~Champ's Blog

Here we go again...

2012-01-09T03:13:00.001-08:00

The fun begins anew...

Last day of Finals...

2011-12-17T04:34:00.001-08:00

Eff my life. Eff my myself. Eff everything.

Great way to feel after finals huh? I just wish... life could just stop somehow. That'd be great.

Summation of My Past 2 Weeks.

2011-08-26T04:47:00.000-07:00

I'll prolly start off with the more recent and what I can remember of the further back, so much has happened.

Kylie's dad called me. He's worried. I'm so glad he is. I was afraid I was the only person that cared enough to worry for her. It was so odd. I've never heard him sound exasperated or worried before and then to hear him on the phone was... different. He asked if Kylie seemed different to me... Of course she does, everyone knows how much I think she's changed. So far downhill in my honest opinion. Making out at the temple? Staying out late every night? Being so selfish? Whatevers haha. I don't know man, I feel so bad for her dad. He's a great guy, he doesn't deserve this... Then the way she acts towards it? Ridiculous. No respect. The way Andrew reacts? Purely cocky, classic Andrew. I dunno, I feel like that whole situation is just completely out of everyone's hands. It's just a runaway train that will end up in a wreck of a divorce in 6 months, as was told to me by my counselor. Couldn't agree more. Guess Kylie just needs to learn huh? Can't believe how much of a prick she's being to me though. I just wanted some freaking textbooks back okay Kylie? Have the decency to reply to me within a week sometimes. Or at least give me my damn phone back. At least I would use it, you can have your piece of shit phone back. Also give me back my camera and Cameron's textbook while you're at it why don't ya? If you gave away the board or sold it to someone... I'm gonna be so pissed at you. We made that board together, I bought that board. We made it. If you gave it away, I'm gonna hate you so much more. I want that board. I just don't understand how you were able to lie to me everyday, every night, every time you said you loved me, every time we talked about our future. You are freaking ridiculous.

Issa. You're so retarded. Complaining about how you got cut off from me from the divorce? YOU CUT YOURSELF OFF. YOU ditched me in my time of need. You were too busy. You were too tired. You were too lazy. You didn't have the decency to answer my phone calls. All you could do was text me that you were gonna laze around? Thank you for being the second biggest prick, topped only by Kylie at that point in time. You complain about how we never talk? Freak you're lucky I don't hate your guts. You have so many avenues of contacting me and so many ways you could have redeemed yourself by showing some sort of care, concern, or friendship towards me. You refused them all. You refused to be my friend. Stop talking about me. Stop waving at me, saying hi, then getting all pissed off when I don't actually see you.

Lejana. Thank you. Pulled off a Kylie in a week. Good for you. I really hoped you were different. You used your mom being in the hospital as an excuse to break up with me?! THAT is so low. That's so dirty. When you told me that was why, I wanted so badly to believe you, I did believe you. Look at you. You avoided me since Wednesday. You finally broke up with me on Sunday afternoon. YOU AVOIDED ME FOR FOUR OUT OF THE SEVEN DAYS WE DATED?! What the hell Lejana. I understand you're 17, just graduated, young, fickle, etc. etc. etc. but, that's above and beyond. Telling your friends you were avoiding me because you felt awkward because you knew you were going to break up with me? Then talking to me for hours at night telling me how amazing I was? You went above and beyond the normal lies Lejana. You definitely did pull the normal, "I wanna be your friend and I hope we stay close blahblahblah crap." You said you felt the same way. You wanted to get to know me better. You wanted me still. Haaaa I fell for that again? You definitely are special. You've got a way with words? Nah, I'm just too freaking hopeful. I just hope that someone will treat me right. I hope that someone will treat me with care and concern. Before I asked you I told you I would be the worst boyfriend in the entire world, I had all these bad qualities, I had kissed Lizz, etc. etc. and you told me, "Champ, if you would let me, I would love to be your girlfriend." You told me so many things. We had such a common past. Our family situations are so similar. You were so different from any other girl I've dated. Haha the 3 rules of course, 18-24, 5' 3" - 6', white (possibly Tahitian, Maori, or Hawaiian). You were 17, 5' 2", and Filipina. You made me feel so great about myself, you made me feel like such a catch. You made me feel like the best thing that had ever happened to you in your life. You went to another level with your lying. Good job. In many ways you've topped even Kylie. Amazing how much you pulled off in the 2 weeks I knew you. I guess in many ways, everything is my fault. I did ask you out. I did kiss you. I did make the choice to fall in love with you. I did make the choice to give you all I had. I can't believe how bad you made me feel that night of the dance. Playing me like a fool, just like that. Ditching me the entire night, then making me feel guilty? I was following you around all night. "Champ I thought you were going to dance?" Holy crap. Freaking ridiculous. You left me every chance you got. Ignoring my calls and texts. Avoiding me. What was I thinking. Haha so many people, "Champ you and your girlfriend are so cute together." Abigayle freaking fawned over me kissing you once at her house. You had everyone fooled so well. You had me around your tiny little pinky. Good game.

Kariza. Woooaaahhhh don't even get me started. First, you introduced me to these super monster. Thank you for that. You pushed me to date her. You filled a good Issa position. Always there when things were positive, the moment things changed direction and I sought help? YOU IGNORED ME TOO. YOU DITCHED ME TOO. "Champ I'm always with Lejana, I never had a chance to talk to you. I'm sorry." BULLSHIT. That's really the only thing to say to that. You know how many times you said you were sorry that night of the dance? Do you know how many times you explained to me why you were sorry? Well answer to the first question is a bit hard to say, it was a large amount. The second question is a bit easier to answer, 0. You know? Good for you. I kind of hate you both a lot to be honest.

I really just feel like such a waste, had no one pushed me to date Lejana, had nothing happened... I think we would all have such a great relationship still. All of you guys pushed me, and I wanted it so bad, and I gave in and I gave it all in. Now, it's just awkward to be with you guys. And you guys dislike me, thank you for that. Screw me over in every way possible. Yes. I left the dance to go cry with Bonnie. Thank you for not showing concern for me at all. According to Brother Buckingham I was like a little puppy dog following you guys around, and I had thought of that. He told me to apply that metaphor to the rest of my relationship, I hadn't thought of that. He's right. I was on your leash, I was whipped, I was your bitch. I hope you guys have a great life. It's funny, the moment I decide that I will listen to everyone and I decide I will stop talking to you. You show up at Hale 4. You start talking to me more. You start to initiate. Of course that's how my life is.

WHY DO PEOPLE TALK ABOUT ME? Group meeting after watching Eclipse? Ask me to my face you retards.

Anyhow, I'm basically screwed with the Filipino group. I'm sure Welster doesn't love me anymore now that he knows about Lizz. The Lejana and Kariza group definitely have me out of favor. So guess where I'm going this Friday? Pinoy Idol with Krystelle. So freaking excited to see how this breaks down.

Why am I always the bad guy? It's like no one cares about what Kylie did/does. She's just "doing what she feels is right." Champ however is, "Psssttt isn't he dating Lizz? Why's he with Milani? He's dating Lizz? I thought he was dating Lejana? Wait Champ has a girlfriend? Isn't that a bit soon? She's probably a rebound. He told me she wasn't a rebound and that he likes her. He likes her? I thought he liked Chantel? Didn't they go on a date the other day?" Just that kind of crap. Holy hell. Get off my case behind my back. Tell me to my face. I don't mind. I'll tell you straight up. I'll be honest. I'll give it to you how it is. So what if I'm with a different girl every 5 minutes? So what if I go and do whatever I want whenever I want? So what? It's my damn life and I just want to be happy now too. Kylie got to be selfish when she told me that was all she wanted. Now I try to find something to live for, some sort of happiness to wake up to, some people that make me want to be better, and I'm a bad person. Just because I know everyone, everyone looks at me when they see me? Just because Kylie's a nobody and freaking dumbo know's nothing, no one cares? But of course Champ's life is on display to the world because everyone at this school is related somehow. Oh eff there goes Kylie's relief society president. Oh crap... Lizz's group of friends. Oh what the hell, why would she be there as I yell the exact wrong thing for her to hear out of context.

I hate my life.

Why's my life so ironic? Why were Kylie and Andrew the first people to see Lejana and I dating? Why are they everywhere I go when I don't expect them? Why were they there when I dropped off Chanelle's book and Kylie didn't have her key? Why everything. Why were they there when I went paddleboarding with Chantel? Why did Kyle need help on the barbeque so that I saw Lejana on the corner before she went to work? For real my life is so retarded. I really wish some of you understood.

On the brightside... Abigayle, Bonnie, Jess, Jessica, Lauren, Chelsea and the rest of the Jam House girls are freaking the bomb. I ate 3 tubs of ice cream over the weekend. I just go there to feel so much better. They give me baked goods. They give me decency.

Move on don’t look back,
I jumped off a train running off the tracks
Love is gone face the facts
A bad movie ends and the screen fades to black

I guess that's just how I feel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EPxgPxMhT4

There's really so much more that happened to me these past 2-3 weeks... I would like to explain it all, like how Lejana and Kylie are exactly the same in how we met, etc. etc. But really... I got the important current feelings out and there's just so much to put about the past but... whatevers. I guess it's better to just let it drop and forget about it. Don't want to make anyone sound too bad on this blog. I'll never know who decides to search me and who decides to actually read. Guess I gotta have some mercy.

Lejana Ligeralde. You amaze me. I went from the longest relationship to the shortest. And yet, you were able to do to me all that Kylie did. Good for you. That takes a lot of skill.

Dallin... haha You read our relationship completely wrong, what a funny kid. He's awesome, I like him.

Anyhow, life's a bitch.

Champ's life is just bitchier than most.

C'est ma vie,
Champ

New Record... Again

2011-08-22T03:56:00.000-07:00

1 week this time, other side of the spectrum. At least this one went well... I hope she isn't lying. I hope she isn't trying to make me feel better. I hope that my belief in her words isn't proven wrong. I really do like her a lot and I hope everything works out okay in her life and her family.

So definitely a lot has happened since I made one of my "usual" posts but I dunno... it's just been busy and I really haven't had the motivation to post.

Basically the last 3 days have been super shitty and now... after I finally got a chance to talk to Lejana today... Less so.

But I still feel hopeless. I always make the wrong decisions. Oh well... my life's dumb.

Choose your love, and love your choice.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Well...

2011-08-20T02:10:00.000-07:00

A shiz ton of stuff has happened. And I wish I had written it down cause I know I thought about multiple things I wanted to write down so badly but now I really only have a few things on my mind.

Well those two last teasers were obviously, I kissed them.

Now I'm dating Lejana. Since... a week ago almost to the hour. But am I really? I'm so confused... I feel like I'm being the best boyfriend I can possibly be. But it's like she's pushing me away further and further. I feel like I'm killing myself again. I feel like my heart's breaking... again. I feel like I'm gonna get screwed over again. She made me sound like such a catch... every time we talk it's like she's in love with me. Every time we're together I feel like it's right. And she tells me that. Man when I asked her out, the night of the bonfire, Sunday, and then even prolly Monday felt great. But after that it's just been downhill... it's like she never wants to see me. It's like she's always busy. It's like she always wants to be with someone else. It's like I'm non-existant in her life. How did I put myself in this predicament? I know I rushed... but she made it sound so great. She's dated not very many guys... she's a good girl... she's so much fun... what the heck.

Now she tells me her mom is in the hospital so she's calling her parents... and that's good. But then she gets to work or something and didn't talk to me. Then she went on to tell me she wanted to be alone after I asked if she needed anything, needed me, needed to talk. So I'm at Bonnie's house and Bonnie actually ditched me to go to work, so I chatted with Jess all night. But on the way back at like 10 I stopped by Lejana's room just to check up on her cause... I'm worried. She doesn't answer when I call her name so I called her on the phone... She was with people... She was with Emily... She was meeting up with Kariza and them... What the heck dude... So I was sitting in her courtyard waiting for her and she said she was gonna get changed without saying anything else or even really acknowledging me. She came out... gave me a hug and asked how I was... I said good and asked her how she was and she explained to me a little that it was a lot to take in and that she was trying to talk to her family. So I said ok and she said she had to meet Kariza in 2 minutes so she was gonna go... so she kissed me good night and just left... I kind of sat there for a minute and I skated back to my hale... Emily and her were walking up towards Hale 1. Even more confused. Ugh.

Why would she tell me she wanted to be alone if she didn't want to be? Why did she just... lie to me? I don't know what to do. I freaking poured out what I have left in me, my heart and soul for her... I've done everything right! WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? What did I do?! Why does crap always happen to me? Why do such weird things happen to me? Lejana. Ugh. I really hope this is a mistake. I really hope there's a good reason for all this. I mean you weren't in a rush yesterday when we were all waiting on you. Why were you in such a rush to get away from me today? How can you say you're so proud of calling me your boyfriend? How can you say all that you've said to me and treat me like I don't exist...?

I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

Why do I always get hurt? Why do I always get screwed over? Why do I always make wrong choices?

I fell in love with this girl, already? I haven't even known her for 2 weeks. What's my problem?

I'm in love with the idea of love.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Dangerous Game

2011-08-13T09:29:00.001-07:00

Well. This time the game is a little different, a little more sophisticated, a little more complex, a lot more difficult, and a lot more work.

Basically, I'm screwed. What am I doing? Oh geez. Why do I make such dumb decisions? Oh well...

Crap

2011-08-08T06:57:00.001-07:00

Well. I'm sure there's no need to explain myself if you've been reading along or know me at all.

Another Wonderful Day in the Life of Champ

2011-08-02T05:21:00.000-07:00

Well, dreams were dreamt. As I knew they would be. Kylie was in them. Obviously. Woke up, not in the best mood ever but life goes on.

Late to class as usual haha. Good thing Brother Hubner doesn't really care... too much. I think. Haha.

Went to pick up a musubi and apparently I was a few seconds late to Brother Taylor's class. Hm. Well guess no attendance points so I went outside to eat it. I guess I should have stayed in and took the quiz. Stupid stupid Champ. And I even forgot to have him change my grade from the last quiz we messed up scoring bah.

Well at least we did some group work and we got out early.

I went to work, and everyone knew what was up pretty much. News spreads quick eh?

At work I get a call from Andrew because... apparently no one was supposed to be able to read the blog. lol More on that later.

Finished work. Got to Brother Preece's class and that was alright.

Anyhow school and work aside. It was a pretty boring day till then. I brought a mirror home for Lizz. Then I ended up talking to Andrew for a really, really long time. It was a really good chat. He seems to understand and empathize really well. We've been through some very similar choices in our lives it seems. I guess his opinion of me changed, and mine of him as well. He's had a pretty shitty life... and he's a great guy. Cynical and sarcastic, but then again I am that times 10. Funny how small things can become great changes. The small act of him trying to conceal his blog and searching for it made him find mine. Him commenting made me find his. My curiosity made me read his. My heart made me tell him I read it. I feel like we've bonded quite a bit. Hopefully we get to be good friends, Andrew's a funny guy. I've known him for quite a while, a lot longer than most people I know here. Hopefully we'll get to chill out together lots.

Annnnd I kept Lizz waiting for me this entire time. I left my backpack and crap inside the lounge for Lizz to get but never told her Andrew and I were talking. I had just told her we were in the Museum of Natural History. That place was a bit... odd. lol All it has is taxidermy stuff and a few skeletons. But Atsuko and Mary work there lol

So I ended up sitting in the lounge for a bit and ended up talking to Hailey the RA. She's pretty awesome actually, and she's in... Andrew's ward! So she knows the story fairly well. Funny, I didn't even know her name till a little while ago and here she knows my life's story haha. She's pretty cool actually, hopefully I'll get to know her better in our super hard accounting 232a class!

Finally, met up with Lizz and friends during dinner. Sooooooo. Quite weird. This is turning out to be a lot... like Kylie. Hm. Alexie doesn't like me apparently? Alexie... Ali... hmmm definitely similarities in personality I see. Ohhhhh welllll. Don't care enough to do anything about it right now to be quite honest. Don't have the motivation, desire, drive, or energy to fix her attitude towards me. But met her at the cafe and that was fine and dandy. We then... met up with Maryann when we were walking back to Hale 2... Hm. So Rose did tell her about me... good thing we didn't push that. lol. Maryann is a nice girl, and I think we could be great friends. But she's a bit... blonde/Utah. Too much so for me. Haha. Anyhow we talked for a really long time and I could see the janitor Sam eyeing me. Just waiting to say something about my hair. What a prick. lol

Lizz really wanted to watch the Bollywood movie. But we decided to go to FHE still, she went to hers and I went to mine unfortunately. I went to drop her off at hers in the stake center... Woooo Kylie and Andrew are there in the relief society room. And of course the outer doors are locked so I make a ruckus getting in. Ah well. Life's a bitch sometimes. Buuuttt mine was freaking sweeeeet. Ended up canceling ours and combining with 8th ward (my real ward... :p) again. We played resurrection ball again! I guess there are some cute girls in the ward, but definitely 18. Not sure I want to mess with that problem waiting to happen haha. I guess I'll have to scope out the situation, but it's not looking to promising. Neither of the 3 girls that I thought were cute seemed to be very... mature. Which brings me to next. Lizz. Wow. What do I do.

I'm pretty sure I like her. I think she likes me?

Well. I'm under her acceptable age range. By a lot. Aeropostale was established in 1987 as I learned at dinner today. I thought to myself, wow that's a bit older than me. Lizz was born in 1987. lol She wanted to date someone at least her age, just like I do. I'm 4 years younger than her. It's not fair for her. Right now I think I would cling to the first of anyone who would just show me they cared and cared for me like she has for the past couple weeks. Can I see myself with Lizz? Right now yes, for eternity? I don't know... I don't think so. She and I... are just easy. I guess we're kind of good for each other right now. It's... mutually beneficial. Just like... Kylie and I were. Hahahah. Oh geez. Freaking Courtney was right on the money with that one. So. Why am I so keen to just have Lizz around all the time? Do I truly like her? Do I want her because she has the same name as Liza and I need someone to fill that niche for me right now? Do I just want someone mature to spend time with? Do I want someone that just understands me? Do I want to somehow make Kylie jealous? Do I somehow connect Lizz being one of Kylie's old roommates to this? Freaking a. Tonight was ridiculous.

We were watching the movie together... and I wanted to hold her hand. And we kind of did... kind of. And she rubbed my hand and massaged it... like Kylie. Agh. It felt great... my freaking carpal tunnel hands haha. Then we got kicked out of the lounge and sat over by... "our" benches. The benches she broke up with that Indian guy... lol I remember my "break-up" bench over by the flag circle/counseling center. Ai... Anyhow. We went to watch more of the bollywood and... she and I were close. She massaged me hand again and even scratched my back a bit... I'm a sucker for that... Haha. Hopefully no crazy girls read this. But if you do, that's how you get me. Get me by surprise from behind... bahaha. Ah... this is crappy. I want another Liza, and if this were Liza it'd be all good. BUT Lizz is NOT Liza. So this could possibly be still good to go, or it could possibly be a time bomb. Gah.

So more and more info keeps coming to me. In the mountains on one knee, something super romantic, blah blah. Ring is tiny. He's crazy. She's crazy. If it's right it's right. She's happy. Blah blah blah.

What do I feel? Do I REALLY feel like it's the biggest mistake of her life as I tell myself and anyone who cares enough to converse with me deeply? OR, am I just convincing myself. ARE they good for each other? I guess it doesn't matter... In the Bollywood the guy character and the girl character fall in love... in a month. But she's engaged to marry another man that was an arranged marriage. As they are about to part at the train station she asks for his address to send her wedding invitation to. He says he won't go to her wedding. I was like wow what the heck he won't go? Lizz says... "Well, what would you do if the girl you loved was going to marry someone else. Wou..." Hahaha. Freaking irony. Freaking perfect. Freaking amazing. My life is probably the most fantastic life ever lived. I only wish people could see and enjoy this. Sadly the only person that can truly enjoy these ironies is the person suffering through them. Anyhow... what the hell am I supposed to think? I truly want what's best for her. And obviously she doesn't need me anymore. I guess I've served my... purpose. Paved the way and guided Andrew into the easiest landing on the widest and longest runway ever. Way to go Kylie. Once you became a catch you ditched me. You bailed. When the shit hit the fan, you left me. I will never forget that. You were the person I trusted the most. The last person I thought that would be even capable of performing such a horrendous act of betrayal. But, thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for shaking my faith in the goodness of people. I know now not to think so highly of all those around me. You and Andrew, go be happy together. That's all I wish for you. You've forgotten about me, all that I've done, all that we had, all of us. I see what you do and hear what you say. You're no longer that girl I met on the last day of finals in the fall semester of 2009. No longer that wonderful amazing girl. No longer that kind hearted, generous, and sweet soul. Maybe someday you'll remember. Maybe someday you'll realize what I've been saying the few days you actually pretended to keep our promises to each other. I know I would never break our pinky promise.

Anyhow. What's there left to do? Just get over it I suppose. Nothing I can do. Nothing anyone else can do. The only two people that are able to do anything about it won't. All they're accepting is what they already believe. Should have just never defended Kylie. Should have never defended Andrew. Should never have defended them. Should have let all hell break loose on them. Should have let those crazy Samoans at it. Should have encouraged Ming. Whatever. People learn their lessons sometime, right?

I'm not a perfect person. I am a better person today than I was 1 month ago. This very moment it's been a month since Kylie dumped me. I think. I was an ass. I was conceited. I was egotistical. I was selfish. I was a jerk. I was mean. I was rude. I was judgmental. I was a douchebag. Kylie, your fiance is all that. Good luck.

Bon chance Kylie. You're gonna need it. Glad to have known the most amazing person in the world. Sad to see her leave my life. Even sadder to see her leave your body.

Anyhow here's my latest update:

Isn't it funny how the smallest, minutest, most insignificant events can cause change greater than any you could have possibly imagined?

Here's a one of my favorite quotes:

The beat of a butterfly's wing, can, at a critical moment, create a disturbance that will result in the occurrence of a hurricane on the far side of the ocean

C'est ma vie,

Champ

Odd Day

2011-08-01T04:07:00.000-07:00

Well I started off by waking up super early on a Sunday, 8:30am. Wow.

I get a call from Courtney telling me that she had crashed and totaled her car and I freaked out. She said she was okay and that she was going to sleep it off... Weird.

I got up and lounged a bit and Lizz offered to make me food and so I showered and got ready, put on church clothes.

As I was getting ready I realized that Cinema by Benni Bannasi was super fantastic and I was smiling, singing along, and super freaking happy. I looked in the mirror and hardly recognized myself. I was practically shooting beams of light off of my face.

I ate with Lizz then went to church super early and set up sacrament meeting. Sat with Andre and Roger because seats were filled. Sunday school was in McKay 152 for some reason and sat with Fu'a and Dreke.

Went to combined 3rd hour and sat with Hailey and her cousin.

Then things started to get weird. Julia text me asking if I am okay? So I know something was up... so afterwards Ellen, Liz, and Julia come eat orange rolls with my ward. Lizz and Ellen eventually leave. And so I get Julia to spit out the news.

Kylie's engaged. 3 weeks and 5 days after dumping me. 3 weeks and 4 days after starting to date Andrew. I guess writing that makes me sound a bit bitter. But I think I'm pretty over that. Julia and I talked a bit... and I walked with her back to Hale 5... then freaking Dreke, BYYEEEE CHAMP AND JULLLLIAAA. Oh gosh... Not the right time, place, person, or situation.

So I was boarding back to the little theatre area for some reason and Heidi told me she heard my name mentioned in the bishopric office and that maybe they wanted me there. So I went. I got a calling. Elder's Quorum secretary. Ugh. Work.

Anyhow, went to my room and told a few people the predicament I was in. Then the pity party started. Everyone was feeling sorry for me, etc. etc. "Champ are you okay?" "Champ come do something with us today!"

But, I went to Abigayle's house as planned. Lots of people were there. That was good, lots of people is good environment for Champ. Well it started to actually irritate me. Too many people. Too many people? When is that a problem? Weird... so I left... to go hang out with Stephany and the bunch because she was telling me to... I didn't really want to go but I didn't want to be rude. After being beat up by her with a magazine Lizz and I left to go visit Gabriell and Katie. That was good. Lizz and I talked... on the way there and back.

Mehhhh. What am I supposed to do? I know all I want right now is empathy. Not sympathy. I want people to understand. I want people to agree with me. I don't want criticism. I don't want advice. I want people to agree. That's selfish me popping out again.

I keep telling myself I want what's best for Kylie and that she's making a huge mistake. Am I saying that because I truly think that? Or am I saying that because I think it's unfair? It's obviously unfair. But I look back and I was a dick. So maybe it's just karma. Maybe I worked so hard to make up for my transgressions... and now I'm getting the rewards taken away. I dunno man. Becca and Courtney both made good points, no matter how short it is if it's right, it's right. I wanted to kill them both when they were talking to me. But they're right.

Anyhow interesting how things work out. Julia was at the beginning. Julia's at the end.

Andrew had this happen to him. Now he's doing it to someone else.

Champ's being Champ. Never a good sign. Why do I hang out with Lizz so much? I like her. Obviously. But why? Would I like her if she was Bonnie? Would I like her if she was Courtney? Would I like her if she was Julia? Lizz just freaking feels the same way I do about everything and like she said, "it's easy for us to hang out." It's so true. I wish I didn't like her, cause when I like girls things always get messed up. Especially in a case like this? Do I like her because she just shows she cares about me better than anyone else? Is she interchangeable? I don't feel like I could see us getting married, so what's my problem? I don't want to be a slut again. I don't wanna do that. I wanna find me a nice girl. Maybe not even date her. Maybe just... be with her. And have fun. I'm sick of being screwed over. I'm sick of doing wrong. I'm sick of being unhappy.

Is Kylie ever going to tell me she got engaged? Doubt it. Does Andrew know I know about his past? Doubt it. Does anyone care about me the way I cared about Emily, Whitney, or Kylie? Doubt it. Will anyone ever? Doubt it. I'm such a negative person.

I look at that ring everyday. Why did I order it? It was for my self. I didn't get it for Kylie. It was to make sure I had something to have faith in to make sure I was committed.

Freaking my life is a bitch dude. How do I mess up soooo badly? I shouldn't be. I should be learning my lessons. I should be making less mistakes. I should be a better person. I am a better person... But I'm still me.

Where's my life gonna go? I feel like I put everything I had into Kylie. And now putting it into everyone else is working miracles in their lives... not to sound arrogant or anything. I feel like I'm doing so much good now. But why? To make myself look better? To get people on my side? To make people think, "Wow Champ's a great guy, what was Kylie thinking?" What the hell are my motives behind anything in my life?

Motivation is the key to answering the question of whether or not I'm a good person. Unfortunately, I don't know what my motivation is. All I know is... Kylie's been a jerk to me for these past 3 weeks and 5 days. All I know is Kylie's become a much worse person. All I know is Kylie, you screwed me over in the worst possible way. All I know is you wouldn't be where you are today without me. And you forgot it all. You told me I never made you better. I can't believe you can look around you and not see how I blessed your life. I can't believe you can life everyday without realizing I helped you break your bad habits. I helped you break your bad stereotypes. I helped you become who you are today.

I just need to learn to shut up. I need to stop mocking the universe. "Kylie you don't need me anymore." "Kylie go date Andrew, he'd probably treat you better." "Kylie if you want to get married, go ahead." I need to shut up. I need to stop setting myself up for failure. I need to stop being an idiot. I need to stop this inverbal communication crap. I feel like everyone understands it, except the people that really need to understand it. I freaking could read Kylie's mind. I knew what she would say to something I would say. I knew what she would feel before she would feel it. I knew what she would do before she did it. I knew her better than she knew herself. I screwed around with that power. I experimented with that knowledge. I took advantage of all that whenever we fought. I knew where to push. I knew how to prod. I knew how to make it sting.

Andrew needs to be humbled. Quickly. Should have let that Samoan guy beat the shit out of him. Should let Ming do her dirty work. Should let everyone do their stuff. Why am I defending them anyhow? Why do I care? They have their own life. Screw them. Let them fail together. Who knows, maybe they'll be successful. They deserve each other. Perfect match. I used to think so highly of Kylie and that no one would ever deserve her. Especially not this simple-minded, thick-skulled, idiot of a Mexican. But you know what? Minus the Mexican thing? That's a pretty good description of Kylie at this point. Blind and deaf from ignorance. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do?

I could watch you for a lifetime
You’re my favourite movie
A thousand endings
You mean everything to me
I never know what’s coming
Forever fascinated
Hope you don’t stop running
To me cause I’ll always be waiting

You are A cinema I could watch you forever
Action Thriller I could watch you forever
You are A Cinema A Hollywood treasure
Love you Just the way you are
A Cinema A Cinema A Cinema
A Cinema A Cinema A Cinema

Stars spell out your name
Like in a science fiction drama
Romance roll in
Like a flower in the summer
You always keep me guessing
Forever my wonder
Hope you start undressing
All my dreams until the end of

Never know what movie you’re playing
Never know what movie you’re playing
Never know what movie you’re playing
Never know never know never know

Benny Benassi – Cinema Lyrics

Currently been listening to that song on repeat for the past 2 days.

Never know what movie you're playing...

C'est ma vie,

~Champ

Truly Happy?

2011-07-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

Well I think I've actually been happy. For a few days in a row. Maybe having Kylie leave work really was a good thing.

I felt that whole you can lead a horse to water but can't force it to drink type thing. Ah well.

You know what though? I don't give a damn. Haha. I'm happy now. She can go mess up her life all she wants, with who she wants, however she wants. I know that I will always be there for her when she decides she wants my help. Even though she really doesn't deserve that. So much has happened to make me feel great. Where do I start?

Carter - Man what a coincidence huh? Ran into her, Bart, and Lauren right when they got back from Saipan. Carter hasn't really done much, but talk with me. She's an amazing girl. Kori's a lucky guy. So freaking happy for them and I hope they invite me to their wedding haha. Kori's an awesome guy. They're freaking great for each other.

Lizz - My new Liza? Hopefully! Gosh she's so much fun to hang out with. I really hope it goes that route. I'm trying super hard to not be clingy and stuff so I don't push her away haha. But it's so hard to not just talk to her and hang out with her all the time. She pretty much wants to do whatever at whenever! She listens to me, and I make her tell me stuff without her knowing how I do it haha. I really hope I'm hanging out with her because she's great, not because of all those other possible motives I listed to her... like because she's Kylie's old roommate, or because I like her, or because some other deeper thing. She's just super spontaneous and it's great. I love not having plans and just going to do stuff.

Courtney - I cannot wait for my baby to get back! I can't wait to long board with her again. <3 <3 <3 Freaking love Courtney and can't wait to have her back so I can care for her again. I think I may need to care for her more than she needs me to care for her. But I'm so excited for her to get back so we can go do crazy stuff together.

Bon Bon - Man she better not be a dick when she gets back and not hang out with me. That's all I got to say haha. I had NO idea she long boarded and cheered and baked super mean brownies. I better get to go to her house everyday when she comes back! I'm also super duper excited for Bon Bon to get back! :) I really hope we become really good friends when she gets back because talking to her all this time makes her seem way greater than I remember when she left.

Lauren - WELL! Carter and Bon Bon are setting me up to be her playmate, so she must be super fun. Hopefully this is just freaking lots of fun too! The first time I met her I helped her pick guavas from the high spots haha.

Hyrum - This freaking guy better get back here soon! It's gonna be a freaking party. He needs to find a perfect girl and I'm gonna find him one. He helped me through my dark days and put up with my crappy attitude. He did more than put up with it, he helped turn it around! He dragged me to fun things. He made me do things that made me feel so much better. This guys gonna be my wingman and we're gonna find ourselves some hotties.

I don't know man. Everything's going well. Hopefully this isn't the calm before the next storm. But this just feels like before Kylie. Doing something new everyday. Doing something different every night. A new friend everyday. I went nightswimming with Lizz today! I listened to C89.5 today! I miss all this so much! I biked to Kahuku with Lizz and we ate at the grill! I had good day of class! I'm not having any problems with class so far! I don't think this term will be too hard at all! Everything just looks so much brighter. I guess if you've been reading you could tell a while ago, I hadn't posted a post in such a long time haha. Absence means I'm happy I guess.

I dunno man. I'm just freaking carefree right now. I love my life right now. I love myself right now. I love all my friends right now.

Just like that song Can't Get Enough by Black Eyed Peas says:

I think about it every night and day,
I'm addicted, want to jump inside your love

BUT

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I wouldn't. No matter what happens now, I've learned so much. I've gained so much. I've grown so much.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

You know what?

2011-07-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

I just realized, I just had a really good day. Like legitimately good!

Ironically, Kylie had a bad day?

Instead of doing these chronological I really don't want to forget this day so I'm gonna do it before I write about last week.

It started off... pressing snooze hundreds of times haha. I've never done that before, I always just turn my alarms off. Anyhow, got dressed for my BUSM 310 Training Module. Got extra ties and clothes for my group, and stupid Henry wouldn't let me in his room to get my shirt till after his shower... oh well. I got to class early, about half an hour. We started to set up and I was worried we wouldn't match, turns out we matched, very well. I was worried our presentation wouldn't go well. In my opinion, it went great! The activity went perfectly. It actually went a LOT shorter than I thought, which worked very much in our favor. Our time allotment was perfect. I talked very smoothly for winging much of it. Overall, everyone just did awesome! Carlos, Hunter, Brandon, and Dustin filled their roles well. Everyone knew their slides. It went well. We got a lot of high scores, we will analyze them tomorrow. After that, I talked with Dr. Hannonen a bit of course. She raved about our presentation, a little. lol She really loved the activity. Anyhow, we were talking about how my classwork was sucking it up a bit... and she said she would talk to Brother Kimball about the accounting 232B class! Gosh, she's so awesome. It may or may not do anything, but either way she put up the effort and DID something for me. Anyhow, after that I went to work and Natalie came to pick up her stuff! I miss Natalie, she was such a good worker! After that, work went really downhill actually. Kylie answered her phone a bit angrily at Han Xu, but I guess she had a headache. I dunno, she's just a bit different now. A bit more... snobbish. When I asked her what was going on her reaction was kind of ridiculous. "Han Xu needed her social security card or something, I dunno, she was hard to understand. I just told her there's no way I'm going all the way to Kaneohe to give her that. I'm at work you know? I'm busy." etc. etc. All in such a disgusted tone, I turned back to Michael and Nicky to see if they were hearing it how I was hearing it and their faces agreed completely. I wish I could just tell her these things. All she's going to do is get mad at me if I do though. We helped so many people, her and I. We were like mother and father. So many of our friends called us Mom and Dad... weird I know haha. But, I felt proud honestly. And when Ah-Chew or whoever it was played the ukelele and sang about Kylie and I taking care of Berkeley in the lounge and us looking like a mom and dad, made me feel great. I felt that again today, let me get to that later when it comes up.

Anyhow, work was pissing the heck out of me because Dawn kept adding things for us to do and never let us go to do it. Then she took her key because she had to go, so there was no way we could do anything at all! Ugh... piss me off. How are we supposed to get anything done? Just make a list, prioritize it, give it to us. So simple. Add things, reprioritize, when we come back give us a new list! Gr... anyhow.

So we ended a bit early, I had Michael drop me off at GCB for a visit with the academic advisors. I declared a Marketing Tract. I now will graduate with a BS in Business Management with an emphasis in Human Resources, and an Emphasis in Marketing, as well as a BA in Psychology. All it took was 3 more classes, so I STILL get to graduate in April. I am taking 10.5 credits this first term. 16 credits fall semester. 18 credits winter semester. Not bad at all. Will graduate in 2.5 years total time. What now though? With Kylie, I had tentative plans... Stay in Hawaii so she can teach... go home to Oregon and we can live with her parents. I even had semi-planned jobs to look for in each place. Now... I can do whatever. Now I don't know what to do... with whatever. Oh well... I guess the time will come when I'm forced to decide.

Anyhow I forgot to mention, I picked up the mail. The shoes aren't half bad. The ring came. It's kind of really pretty in my opinion. The ring... I think it's helped me to feel... better. Anyhow, the first person to ever get to see it in person, was.... Yunfei! lol After leaving the advising office I saw her and chatted and told her I would go clock out and get my stuff and chat with her some more. We shared some stories of our lives, obviously I shared more because I'm a blabber mouth. Anyhow, I picked up the FedEx box and gave it to her and she was scared haha. But she opened it and thought it looked really pretty. After that we talked a bit more and then her boyfriend called her to fix her car so we left. As I was longboarding past Hale 2 area, Caroline and Han Xu passed me in Caroline's car. I was wondering what was up so I chatted with them, and I was wondering how they knew each other. Turns out Han Xu bought her VW bug. It's a stick. Han Xu just learned to drive an automatic... kind of. lol Anyhow, I helped them a bit with the paperwork, then Madeleine and Berkeley came riding down on a bike and I got their attention and told Madeleine she should come to FHE with me. But she couldn't hear so she had to come to me. Oh yeah, Han Xu and Caroline got to see the ring too. Caroline flipped out thinking I was getting engaged lol. Han Xu knew... I'm sure. Anyhow, so Madeleine told me she was bringing Berkeley to the park so I ended up going with them. And it was fun. I ended up swinging with Berkeley and Madeleine, I haven't swung on swings in a loooong time. This lady walked by us as we were both pushing Berkeley, she gave us a look. An, "Awwww you guys are such cute parents, with a cute baby, awwwwww," kind of look. The kind of look and feeling I was talking about earlier that I had gotten when I was with Kylie. It felt good. Anyhow, we stayed for a long time and played with her. We went back to the Hale and so Scott, Maren, and her all got to see the ring as well. Everyone there had strong opinions about it, I needed to sell it, etc. Meh... Anyhow, ended up Madeleine and Maren left to go "pineapple shopping" lol. So got to babysit. Berkeley is crazy. She did my hair and talked it up with me like a true hairstylist. I let her comb my hair for, forever. They were gone for an hour something, I went to my room real quick to put away some things and change, of course they came back when I was gone... lol Anyhow, I got Hyrum to come down with me. And we ended up going to Subway. Stephany and him wanted to go, so I took Madeleine with us. Turns out, she sucks at longboarding haha. Anyhow we all chatted it up, got to Subway and the line was long. Stephany wanted some still, but I went to Taco Bell with Madeleine and she refused to get anything except for a drink. BUT, the malasada truck was there! Foodland trip was saved! She loved malasadas cause she had just had some for the first time ever the day before. I got half a dozen. More importantly I saw ANDREW! ANTHON! Not the other one. No worries, my awesome day was not ruined! Haha. Oh, also when I went to go get my stuff after I clocked out from way earlier, Andrew was picking Kylie up of course. And she was telling me how she left the door open for me etc, so I said thanks and looked and talked to just her, he just seemed angry. Whatever dude. Anyhow, ANDREW was there and sympathized and had empathy for me. Andrew, the heartless, out of all people. Funny. Anyhow, I left Madeleine with him for a few minutes to entertain her while I got some cash from Foodland. I got 2 of each filling. Andrew and I talked for a bit and I feel like... he was on my side?! And he said that Kylie complained about me "talking too much." Wooooo thanks Kylie. I have talked this much, the whole 10% of my life I spent with you. Guess you just hate me now so it just irritates you when I speak huh? Whatever. After getting all our loot, Madeleine and I went back to Hyrum and Stephany and we chowed. NEITHER of them had even heard of malasadas! Freaking crazies! AND Andrew hadn't had one ever till tonight either! Anyways, I thought Madeleine wasn't really going to be into FHE and so we tried to figure something to do, no good movies though. So we ended up just going to FHE anyways, she doesn't really do Mormon things... so she wasn't really sure of this whole FHE thing, or prayers before and after everything, it was kind of weird and cool to kind of teach her and be more knowledgeable in the gospel for once haha. Anyways we played the if you have never game where everyone sits in the circle and yada yada, I apologized to her for it being so boring and that all the good FHE's were cancelled for some reason. She says she liked it, but not sure if she was just being polite haha. Anyhow, we went to go wash our hands after and I taught her to longboard some more and went back to the Hale. Haha, which reminds me for some reason, before we left for Foodland I said, "Scott I'm taking your niece." "Okay seeya." Hahahahahaha. Freaking Scott. No worries, no cares. Haha. Anyhow, we came back and said good night and good bye, I assumed she wanted to go pack, clean, etc. I talked a bit with Ty, Vicki, and Heidi outside, and turns out I was bored still see I peeked in to see if Scott was awake and so we chatted for a bit. Pacesun had an ear infection. :( Berkeley was finally walked to sleep while we were gone. Maren had left to do homework. Scott and I had a nice gospel theory discussion while watching Catdog, haha. Pacesun fell asleep on Scott, and Madeleine fell asleep on the couch behind/next to me. So it turned out, it was actually really late. Like midnight. I turned to Madeleine, and it was a familiar scene to me. Kylie, scrunched up, passed out, asleep next to me on the couch while I was busy with something. I kind of stared for a second, and woke her up by stroking her face, and... like Kylie she didn't wake up. So I had to twice more. It was kind of odd... Anyhow, I told her to go to sleep, in a bed. Which sealed it, that's exactly what I said to Kylie. I said it the exact same way. Wow. We even did the longboarding thing. Meeeehhhh. Anyhow, after that came back to the Hale. Soo-young was there! We chatted for a bit. I gave him a bunch of linens which made him really happy, we had some talks about... Kylie of course. He thought I was joking. Adhika and him got to see the ring. After that I went to Henry and Hryum's room. We switched Hyrum's closet around backwards... he didn't notice. We made it so obvious. We did everything we could. And he finally noticed. It was freaking hilarious. Anyhow, it was a great day. Oh yeah, can't forget. Hyrum made the 25 flashcards for me! What a guy! AND then my Bon Bon messaged me and we chatted all night :)

Everything just fell into place. Everyone came at the right times. Everything happened at the right time. I saw the right people. I was in the right places. Etc. I had a full, fulfilling day. I feel like I did a lot of good today, had a lot of fun today. I felt great. I felt happy. I felt loved. I felt hopeful. I felt awesome. Oh my, Dr. Hannonens and Yunfei's visualization exercises may have worked on me. Who knows?!

Hryum - This guy is a freaking stud. Some girl better find him. This girl better be the hottest thang ever. She better be a dancer cause that's what he wants. And she better treat him like he's the catch of the eternity.

Dr. Hannonen - My Finnish mother, she's so freaking amazing.

Yunfei - She's a born leader, servant leadership is something she is an excellent role model of. Today in class she basically told the class she did her visualization and saw herself as a stay at home mom. What that mean to me was, she was sacrificing her dream for her man. She was sacrificing everything. For her boyfriend. She's brave. She's faithful. She's hopeful.

Maren and Scott - When they leave... ah. What will I do? They're kind of like my parents right now too. Coaching me, guiding me, disciplining me, chastising me, haha. I hang out with them as much as Hyrum. Ugh why is everyone leaving.

Madeleine - Well, well. Who would have thought this little girl would have changed my mind so crazily. Too bad she's Maren's niece, too young, and otherwise taken. I don't think that's her role in my life anyhow. She reminded me... there's good people out there. She reminded me, of a lot of things. She was a lot of fun to hang out with and I'm sad I didn't hang out with her more often while she was here, ah well. Everything is a lesson learned I suppose. She's from Utah and she broke a lot of stereotypes I had. She's fun. She's not dumb. She's blonde. She's funny. She's intelligent. She's got sarcasm (haha not sure if that's a plus?) She's' got confidence. Hopefully, I can find someone like her soon. Hopefully someone pops up into my life like that. Because Hyrum's right, she WAS cute. But 17... Ahhhhhh. I'm 20. Perfectly wrong age, too old and too young at the same time. Of course, way to go Champ.

I think this is really the turning point day. Things should be getting better now. I am better.

Destroy the seed and the plant will never grow.

I think this ring helped me to remember. I am making a promise on this promise ring to always destroy the seed. I am making a promise to not let the plant grow. I am making a promise to live a better life. I am making a promise to be a better person. I am making a promise to be the person that I am trying to find for myself. I promise myself I will never give up. I promise myself I will never doubt. I promise myself I will do what is best. I promise to always Choose The Right.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Long week

2011-07-17T04:27:00.001-07:00

Well, it's definitely been interesting. Hopefully I can remember all the important parts because I am much too tired to write about it right now. Bayfest 2011. Yes sir.

Letter to Kylie

2011-07-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

So here's the letter I wrote to Kylie, looking back I want to fix it/change it/modify it/add to it. Of course I can't. I wrote this letter straight from my heart. I want a copy of this for myself. I will add Kylie's family letter as well.

Dear Kylie,

I think I was writing this letter with a few intentions, concerns, warnings, etc. However, I think that all that has changed. I had a very amazing day at church today. I hope yours went well, obviously it was a bit... different without you there and a few people asked about you which was hard, but I had so much support. Right now I'm writing this letter being very mindful of the fact that I said I wasn't going to talk to you until you told me you wanted to talk to me again. Maybe this letter is more for my own good than yours but I just wanted to share with you some things that went through my mind today.

I went t talk to my Bishop today and he helped me to realize and remember so many things. I've given 3 talks in my life Kylie. You were able to witness one. One I gave when I got baptized. I also gave one when Bishop Gold was my Bishop. The topic of the talk was anger management. When I gave it, I felt that it was unnecessary for me. I felt that I had a good grip on my anger. In reality, I just had friends with a lot of patience and a deep desire to help me. When I was talking to Bishop today it came to my attention that he and I had very many similar problems. When he went on his mission he was very gungho and happy, just like I was when I met you. As time went on the other missionaries kept saying doesn't your companion bother you for such and such a reason? He said once he started to realize problems it was all the small things that added up to frustrate him. As transfers came by there got to be a point where they almost got into a fight and they decided to not go out but stay in and resolve their differences. Bishop said something that really struck me. He said that they were horrible at teaching. They were horrible because they were always fighting. Because they were always fighting they could never feel the Spirit. I'm so sorry I did this to you. I'm so sorry that I caused the Spirit to leave so that we never felt good together. We cried together and he gave me a blessing. The blessing was amazing. He said so many things that I knew were meant only for me and could only have been given to him directly from Heavenly Father. I'm so sorry that I put the Gospel so low on my list of priorities. I feel so blessed to be able to have given you a blessing a while ago. I felt so nervous, I felt so in tune with the Spirit, and with you. You've been trying to help me this whole time and I've been blind to that. Being with you was comforting for me, I apologize that I made this feeling dwindle as our time went on. Even though you've taken back and told things in the past weren't as I thought, you told me you felt comfortable with me. When I look back, I know this was true. I remember my first kiss with you and how comfortable it felt to me too. I remember you always telling me how much I reminded you of your dad. I remember talking about you to Chris all the time. I remember him telling me to just shut up, be a man, and ask you out already. I've never felt that comfortable with a girl before. Thank you for that Kylie. I made the mistake of looking back into the past and seeing some of the things I wrote about you. I wish I had said more of them aloud, to you. I'm sorry that I made you feel inadequate. You are definitely the opposite, you always were someone that I never deserved and as time went on I was even more undeserving because of the way I treated you.

After I washed my face I went to Elder's Quorum where there was a grand total of three Samoans and my 1st counselor. Our lesson consisted of us sharing experiences and Brother Wesley helping to guide us. He especially reiterated that everything happens for a reason. It seems he's lead a very troubled life. He was going to a go on a mission but before he went, he got into some trouble. After that his life went astray a bit further and eventually he was excommunicated. Obviously, he has straightened up since then, but he helped me to realize that things do happen for a reason. Sometimes to help you progress and sometimes to (as you once told me) "knock you upside the head with a spiritual 2 x 4" so that you can regress and start heading back to the right path. During this he also helped me to realize the importance of the temple. I'm sorry that I placed that so low when I knew you placed it so high. You were already making the sacrifice of loving me even though I hadn't been on a mission. You are amazing, you sacrificed so much for me. He helped me to feel at comfort with my situation at hand. I'm so happy that you feel happy Kylie. Obviously, I feel quite jealous of Andrew. I can't believe that I was so horrible to you that in his week of dating you he has already made you happier than I ever have. I'm sorry that I was never good enough to you, for you to love me enough.

The biggest talk that hwe had was about culture though. I'm not trying to blame this on culture or shift anything away from me. I just want you to know. Pride is very different in Asian culture. Kylie, I'm not sure if you took the class with me or not, but one of the textbooks gave the example of an Asian family showing pride. Basically, the son or daughter plays the piano for a little party. The guests compliment how well the child plays the piano, but the parents defer the compliments and say how he should practice harder, how he missed a note, etc. Right now I'm sitting in the Hale 4 lounge and I remember the birthday cake you made me. Right now I'm looking at the TV that's off and I specifically remember a Sunday you wore a purple top and a black skirt. I think I may have told you but I don't remember, I said that I didn't know how everyone wasn't just so jealous because when you stood up to turn on something or another you looked so beautiful. All I remember is my ego and pride swelled up so much. I remember all those times you came back from the elementary school and I was waiting for you in the GCB before class. I remember staring at you because I loved the way you looking in button-up, collared shirts. I remember looking away as you came in the door so you wouldn't know I had been staring. I remember you wearing my sweats and me thinking how ridiculously yummy you looked. I remember how I would say that, kiss you, and you would say I already had my dinner, but I would just say I wanted dessert... ha. I guess I'm just reminiscing now. A lot of memories came up to me as I read some things I wrote in the past. I guess basically what I'm trying to say here is that I'm sorry I wasn't sensitive to you. I'm sorry that I just assumed you would realize how much love and pride I felt in calling you my girlfriend. I'm so so sorry that I clouded over the good times and made you forget all about them. I'm sorry that I've been so bad to you.

I guess all that's left to say is thank you. The counselor ended our meeting saying I should come back and we should figure out why I kept sabotaging my relationships. I was shocked when he said this but after thinking about it, he's right. I did sabotage it. I can still remember all the good we had together. Thank you for those good times Kylie. Thank you for pushing me. Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for loving me. I'm so sorry I took it all for granted and let my lack of self-control get in the way of our happiness. I look back and I see lots of times that I got mad at you but I can see that most everything was my fault. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being the most wonderful thing I've ever had in my life. I'm so sorry I screwed it up so badly. Thank you for for making me a better person and pushing me so hard to become better, I'm so sorry I never made you a better person. Thank you for committing your life to making me happy for the last year and seven months. I'm sorry that I got lost. I know that I was horrible at showing it, but I loved calling you my baby. I loved treating you like my baby. You will always be that in my mind Kylie. Thank you for having faith in me, for having faith in us. I'm sorry that I wasn't as faithful as you.

Please don't feel bad or sad as you read this. This is not what I am trying to do. You seem to be very, very happy. I'm really glad that you are. Obviously, I'm sad that it's not with me, but everything happens for a reason. Maybe you are right and this happened because it was never meant to be from the very beginning. But, maybe I am right and this happened to teach me a lesson. I just hope that you will always keep an open ear, open heart, and open mind.

All that I'm doing, or trying to do, is convince you that I have learned. That thing would be more similar to when I longed to see you everyday, when I cried because you went home, when we first met and we walked all the way to Kahuku together, when you first went to church with me. Thank you for all the wonderful times and innumerable sacrifices you made for me. I am patiently awaiting the day that I can once again be your best friend, share with you, confide in you, and care for you. I also hope the day comes where I get to prove myself to you, to show you I've learned, to show you I love you. If that day never comes, I will be happy for you still. If that day never comes, I will be here for you always; day, night, sun, rain, snow, cold, hot, anything. I loved you the moment I met you with your yellow shirt, green shorts, and the hair... haha.

Baby, I love you no matter what.

Love always,
~Champ

Like I said, that is word for word what I wrote. It's a bit confusing and scatter-brained... but it was from the heart. I really wish she could see my pain, not feel it, just see it. I'm so sorry and sad. I guess I gotta learn my lesson still?

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Sunday and Monday

2011-07-12T04:53:00.000-07:00

I guess it's been a really full and tiring past two days so I haven't had time to write about them.

Let me tell you. This was probably the best Sunday I've had in a very, very long time. I got a lot done.

Let's start off from the beginning, I woke up to a text from McCall. Her daily favorite scripture, however I messaged her back thanking her saying I really needed them. I got a phone call from some random number and it was her, she called me wondering how I was, worried about me! McCall :) We talked for a bit and it was all peachy, somehow even though I woke up semi-early I got to church late. I set up a chair for a lady and decided to just walk in and sit down. It was a bit... weird at first. I was alone first of all, Kylie comes to church with me. Second, I felt different. Anyhow I decided to write letters, one to Kylie's family and one to Kylie. I think it was a good way to help myself feel better, they were mostly kind of thank you letters. I guess I'll add a copy of them to this blog later just so I have a copy of them. I think I'm going to mail them the letter and give Kylie hers. Anyhow sacrament meeting went well, even though I missed the sacrament, but there was nothing too special. Afterwards though when I had cleaned up the sacrament and such, Abigayle and Dreke talked to me. Hailee was talking about my girlfriend haha. So Dreke and Abi kind of hit her and I just told her we weren't dating and then everyone started going awwwww and rubbing me haha. Those three are hilarious. So I kept writing the letters during Sunday school, but I felt knowledgeable because I knew answers from my New Testament class! Anyhow near the end I went to the bishop's office to go chat with him and thank him, mostly because Dr. Hannonen told me to go talk to him. I thanked him for texting me back on July 4th, when I was stranded in Waikiki. We talked for a while. It was amazing. He helped me to realize a lot things which I put into Kylie's letter which I will post after. Basically he had anger management issues when he was younger. I realized that out of 3 talks I have given in my life, first was about my baptism, third was given by Bishop, second was given by Bishop Gold... it was about managing anger. Yikes. Anyhow I learned a LOT from him just then. And he gave me a blessing. One of the first things he blessed me for was the ability to eat and make my body able to heal spiritually and physically because I was nourishing it. This probably struck me the most out of the whole prayer. I had a problem with eating this past week, it was the first thing he blessed me for. Amazing.

After we cried and hugged I cleaned myself up and went to Elder's Quorum. Grand total of 3 Samoans and my 1st counselor were there. Funny thing, I learned so much. We just shared experiences and life stories. I learned a lot about culture differences. We learned a lot about past mistakes. He was going to go on a mission but messed up, then messed up further, then further, until he got excommunicated. Obviously he's leading his life in the right direction now, he's an amazing guy. In this short 30 some odd minutes... I was able to learn and change a lot of opinions on how important cultural differences are, how important the temple really is, and many other things! I don't know, it was amazing.

After that I went to sit outside the relief society door at a picnic table hoping to snag Abi and catch up with her because she seemed pretty down and depressed as well. However, she came out with Dreke and Fu'a and they seemed a bit busy so I just kept writing my letters. In a few minutes though Dreke and Abi came back and visit taught me, haha. I may have been the first guy in my ward to have been visit taught. :) After their wonderful lesson and some sharing they had me go to the cafe with them and so I did. It was pretty good food again surprisingly! Cafe has upgraded a lot haha. Dreke and Abi... you guys are the best!

I went home after that and was contemplating the fireside but I guess I did some religion homework and more letter writing instead. I hung out in Henry's room with him while he was Skyping Elizabeth (who's last name is Champney, weird haha) and talked with them for a bit. Hyrum was gone all night! I was tired and almost fell asleep on his bed and he came back home... so we played some games haha. Mostly we just talked and made fun of each other, so that was good fun.

Before I went to sleep I checked my Facebook and Fu'a had messaged me. Basically she saw me walk into sacrament meeting with a completely different... feeling. She didn't know what had happened (Kylie and I) until today and she was so sorry for my loss and she said the whole relief society felt pain for me and that they would pray for me and that they would basically be there if I ever needed anything. Basically, they were amazing. My ward is the best ward. Like we used to introduce the ward, BYUH 20th Ward, the best ward on the entire campus.

Dr. Hannonen also messaged me today to check up on me. She is such an amazing professor and mom. I am a bit jealous of her son. Man she must have been so hard on him! She must have set him straight all the time. She seems like the best mom ever.

Overall, maybe the best Sunday I've had in a long, long time. So many people reached out and touched me, today alone.

Anyhow, Monday rolls around.

I wake up around 6:45 for some odd reason and see that Sydney texted me. I decide to sleep till normal time instead of going to work early with Dawn. I wake up at 8 when Dawn calls me and I sleep in till about 9. Sydney finally realized Kylie and I weren't dating and she wanted to figure out what was up. I get to class at about 9:30 and tell her to call me at noon. Class went well. Yunfei came in late and a bit flustered, I wish I had gotten more of a chance to talk to her. But we did this blindfolded exercise where we guided each other around and her and I did it. She guided me to the Seasider and I guided her back haha. I wanted to get to talk to Dr. Hannonen after class but there seemed to be a long line of people waiting for her and I didn't want to miss Syd Syd's call so I went to work. Sydney called as I was at work and we talked for a bit and I explained the situation a bit. After that she texted Kylie and... for a long time. I'm kind of jealous I guess. Now it just seems like she cares more about Kylie than me haha. Kylie's fine, Syd was asking questions about Andrew and stuff... I thought she felt sorry for me and was going to be "on my side." Ah well.

Anyhow, everyone left early today. Dawn peaced, Michael, Kylie, Nicky, and I all left at 4. I was supposed to be at the counseling services at 4, apparently Brother Buckingham forgot about me... So I rescheduled for Tuesday at 4pm. On the way out of work I talked to Kylie a bit about... "our" stuff. I guess I was kind of hoping she would force me to take the board and the iPod but she was willing to take one or the other when I suggested it might be inequitable. Meh... why do I ask questions that I want only specific answers to? Today I got reminded of Kylie when we skyped... and her face got stuck on the cat thing. I giggled so much... I am beginning to remember so many times we had together. When Sister Wasden waved to me and Kylie asked who it was I told her, and got reminded of when Brother Wasden first saw Kylie and I together and we were holding hands... And he asked what was this? All I said was, I like this one a lot. Ahhhh... memories... Anyhow. I texted her after I didn't have my meeting and got no response as of yet... 8 hours later.

I boarded home semi-depressed after taking the OQ45. I saw Maren and said hi and decided to stop and ct for a bit. Turns out we chatted for a long time and she said she never saw Kylie and I over there anymore, etc. So we got into a long conversation... It turned out I spent the entire evening with them from before 5 till 9:15 when I left for FHE. I ate with them, Scott, Maren, Pacesun, and Berkeley. Also their niece Madeline. Their friends Rose and Tracy and their three kids. It was crazy. We talked a lot. Rose wants me to date her student worker, Maryanne. I ended up knowing her, she was that girl in a few of my business classes haha. I would totally take her to see Winnie the Pooh with me because I want to see it, I'm not really interested in dating anyone though. Anyhow we all chattered for a bit, the girls and I. Rose and Maren were funny, Madeline too haha. I felt like I was in the middle, Maren and Rose being older, and Madeline being younger. She's pretty cool though, Maren's niece. I liked to bicker at her to get a small little rise out of her haha. Anyhow, they fed me delicious spaghetti. I watched the bachelorette with them. I loved it (the whole evening, not the bachelorette) Maybe if there were more girls like Madeline from Utah that were a bit older I wouldn't feel so out of choices. But I am pretty particular with my girls... haha.

Anyhow FHE was great. I went to my "real" ward's FHE. Resurrection ball again. Hyrum, Henry, Eder, etc. were there. My game center FHE got moved to Thursday... so dumb. Best FHE ever. Most screaming, running, jumping, laughing I've done in a long time. At the end I saw Ming in the kitchen by herself looking needy so I went to go talk to her. Turns out I needed her more than she needed me. We talked from the end of FHE at about 10pm till just recently, like 12:30. She and I just chatted and chatted and chatted. Ming is great man. We talked about... obviously my whole situation. I felt like she was "on my side" She wanted to do some damage haha. It felt nice to have someone feel the way I felt, like I was betrayed, like I was given up on, like it wasn't fair, like it was supposed to have worked out, etc. She felt so similar to me in so many things. Her logic was my logic, I agreed. Unfortunately Kylie isn't a logical person as Scott and I had talked about earlier in the day. Logic doesn't matter to her in an argument, her emotions are what matter. I agree that I had to learn how to speak emotionally from Scott but Ming totally denied that said logic always wins. She said something that struck me a lot. She said, if you can be convinced otherwise, to change your mind because of logic, it's because it's right. She was talking about when Kylie couldn't tell me to my face because I would have convinced her otherwise. She's right. Ming is right. If you know you are going to be logic-ed out, it's because you know you are wrong. Ming, you are right. Thank you. One of the best talks I've had. :) She's a great person.

As President MacArthur said in sacrament meeting,

Just keep dancing.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Best Day Since

2011-07-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday was a good day. It was actually good. Not good, considering. Just good. I woke up fairly close to noon and was going to go to the gym but apparently it was closed early for a team meeting. So that was junk. Hyrum said we should go to the beach and so we did. Alex, Leo, and Stephany came with us. I asked Kylie for a couple bodyboards back and she said she would leave two in her car and that she would leave the door open. The first thing I actually noticed was that she said my to describe it. We always referred to everything as ours or the. I would always say Kylie can we go check the mail today? Kylie can I use some of our money for this? That was really weird for me, anyhow. I had called her, but she didn't answer. So I texted her and she replied... yeah... She knows I hate that... ha. Then she said that she guessed that Andrew had left them at his house so she didn't have them, I assume she was home when she said this. She said that they had to leave so they could make it to an art volunteer thing. I was kind of unhappy but it wasn't a big deal, but I was with Lyzz and Lyzz said that Kylie was just watching movies and chilling because she was sick? So I asked Lyzz to pick up the boards from Kylie's room and she texted Kylie for permission and of course she said yes. This might get confusing right here but what I thought had happened was Kylie had just given away the boards that were mine (saying they were all hers, which they most definitely are not) to Lyzz to use. Anyhow, I was kind of pissed off a lot. But, I caught myself. I just wondered why? If she was at home in her Hale and Andrew came to pick her up she could have just asked him to bring them. If she was at Andrew's house watching movies which I think is the more likely scenario, she could have just dropped them off still. I just don't get it. I assumed she was still in her Hale when I woke up, and that she was doing her cleaning duty because that's what she always did on Saturdays. I don't get how she's willing to make these sacrifices so early in the relationship for him when she wasn't for me? I waited hours everyday for her when we first started dating. He gets unhappy when he had to wait half an hour for her to talk to me? He gets unhappy when he has to "deal with her" depression when I talk to her? Man, if either of us have learned anything from our relationship Kylie it should have been to watch out for warning signs. I've told you a bunch of things about Andrew and you seem to take it all in one ear and let it out the other. You seem to think he's so perfect, but why is that Kylie? I seem to think he's just a rebound and I guess most people are telling me the same. I just wonder why he's worth it all for you. I wonder why I had to try so hard at the beginning and you were fine waking up late everyday, never wanting to do anything, and all those other things I complained about. Why do you do that for him? Is it because you felt bad that you didn't do it for me and that you had done it so much you would never be able to make it up? So instead of trying you move on to a clean slate and just leave the debt? I don't know Kylie, I wish I had been worth it too. Your boyfriend better watch yourself in the gym though, he better check his attitude. He caught the attention of more than a couple people when he came to "talk to me." Seems one guy was more angry than I was, he wanted to fight right then and there. Anyhow, I guess this is a big digression. So Lyzz picked up some boards for me. We picked up Alex and Leo. Leo wanted to get something from the Pineapple house (hah another one of those coincidences), except he was wrong he meant the Mango house or something. But anyway I picked up my board from Andrew's house anyhow and we went to Hukilau. We were going to meet/pick up Stephany but somehow Hyrum couldn't find her at Temple Beach.

Stephany. What an odd change of opinion. She texted Hyrum two nights ago telling him to tell me that she was sorry about our past and that she thought I was a great guy. We had a... rough past haha. I thought very negatively of her after our first few encounters and it seems the feeling was mutual. Since yesterday though my opinion of her has changed quite dramatically, I really need to thank her and apologize still. I was going to yesterday but there didn't seem to be quite the right moment.

Stephany eventually found us at Hukilau and when we got there the waves were amazing. The waves were breaking a good 20+ feet away from shore. The waves were big and curling. This was probably the best waves I've ever seen at Hukilau ever. These were some of the hardest and best waves I've ever ridden as well. I had the most epic and horrible crash I've ever had in my life. I thought I was going to at least break my neck if not die. I was trying to catch a fairly big wave which I was probably going to get tossed and crashed on anyway, BUT this huge backwash of a wave came up and hit me and threw me into the air. I was up there and I screamed for a split second and came crashing down, maybe on the face of the wave, maybe just through the air. All I know is the bottom of the board was facing the shore, my back was facing the ocean, and I was going facefirst into the shallow shore. SOMEHOW, after dropping at least 10 feet I tumbled in the water twice and then slammed my shoulders into the ground. I was alive. I hadn't died. I popped up the the surface and this brown guy was staring at me wide eyed and laughed that laugh that says HOLY !@#@#$&&#*#*#*(# it looked like you just died. After we both laughed for a while he asked if I was okay and I said yes and we both headed out for the next set.... haha. I guess Hyrum and Stephany saw me from afar, too bad Alex turned away as soon as it started to happen.

Anyhow then we played football for a while and that was fun. I loved it. I tacked Alex a few times haha. He got rocked. Maybe I wanted to get my aggression out or something haha. Anyhow it was good fun... And then Stephany and Leo and I went to go bodyboard again, waves not quite as good, but super vicious still.

We all went home and showered. And then they took me to the cafe, Hyrum guested me in and it was weird being in there. It was so weird to be in the cafe for the first time in a year. They let me in, with my hair and all. And I ate. I ate a lot, more than I have all week combined maybe. Which wasn't a lot, but still a lot. I got full so quickly, my stomach shrank so much. But the turkey, gravy, toast, salad, everything was so delicious.

After that Stephany, Hyrum and I talked for a while at Hale 3 with Emily. That was weird too, being in that Hale again. Anyhow I left them to go take my test for Dr. Hannonen's class. Actually, to go blog. Saw Henry and came up to my room. Hyrum saw me and we decided to go to Taco Bell/Foodland cause I needed food for today. We came back and I did my test. Hyrum and I played a little bit and he left to go help Stephany with her lesson and so I played some games and then went to sleep.

Yesterday was a lot of fun. Yesterday was good. I got a little mad early on, but I guess I'm not really allowed to be anymore. I can't expect much of Kylie, she's not mine. She doesn't care about me anymore. She doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't give a damn about us. Why do I still? Why should I still be making those kinds of sacrifices? Why am I still so hurt? Why do I still care? Why do I still love her when all I did was push her and prod her and provoke her for the past year? What was I doing? What am I still doing? I wish I wasn't so stupid. I wish I wasn't so mean. I wish I wasn't so harsh. I wish I could just be happy... I wish I could just be... someone's perfect dream guy.

I thought that if Kylie and I ever broke up it would be a lot easier. I would be a lot more set. I had friends. I had girls who liked me. I had a good self-image. I was strong. Nothing turned out how I thought it might have. So much for planning, so much for things going the way I plot them out. I guess the shock and awe of her dumping me for someone better is what killed me. Like Dr. Hannonen and Brother Buckingham said, it's a lot of losses all put together, it's like the death of a person. Kylie is dead to me... Kylie isn't the same. Kylie isn't my Kylie. I hope she realizes that these changes in her I see aren't really positive. I hope she realizes that even if I am not the one for her, even if I had never made her better, even if I had never made her happy enough, etc. that he isn't. She says that he's made her happier than I have ever made her... So that either makes me the very worst boyfriend in the ENTIRE world who can't even make his girlfriend happy in a year and seven months time, or Andrew is the best boyfriend in the ENTIRE world who can show up my one year and seven months in under a week, or this is a warning sign Kylie. This is a warning sign that you aren't seeing things clearly. I really hope for your sake that you realize. I want what's best for you, I want you to be happy and if that's not me, so be it. You were, and always will be a huge part of me. I can't stand to see you going down a path that I know is the wrong way to go.

Heed the warning signs.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

At peace

2011-07-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

Well, as you can see I'm a bit late in posting this. I had a decent day yesterday.

It started off horribly because of the day before obviously. But, Dawn woke me up and even though I didn't feel like getting up... I did. I went to the counseling services to make an appointment and ended up making one for 1pm. I went to work and then I decided to leave to go to class. When I got to the classroom it was ten minutes early so I decided to go back to the counseling services and lo and behold, Brother Buckingham was there and would see me. So I went to take the OQ45 which seemed really dumb to me to be honest. I talked to him for a while and it was kind of an odd experience. When I first read his e-mails to me they seemed very caring and concerned, but the last one seemed a bit more "professional" I guess is the word I would use. Anyhow, I went in not really knowing what to expect. Obviously I explained to him the situation and such and he seemed a bit surprised at many of the same things I was surprised with as well. He was a very, very good listener. Not that other people aren't but they like to throw in lots of comments and interject, etc. He just seemed to ask questions to clarify and delve further, I really liked it. He said one thing that really, really sticks out to me. He asked me to come back on Monday after pondering a lot of things so that we could figure out why I always sabotaged my relationships. Sabotage my relationships. Do I do that? Did I do that? That's stupid. Why would I do such a thing. There's no way... Except, he's right. I did. Every single time. I did push them to break up with me when I sensed it was happening. I didn't think I did that with Kylie because it was much more unconscious. WHY?! Is it because I think when they do break up with me they'll realize what kind of catch I really am? Well obviously that hasn't worked. It's turned up quite the opposite. Even all those girls that I didn't actually date but just had "flings" with turned out good. Almost all of them are engaged or married already. Man I must really suck then. Or they all have just found the most wonderful and perfect guys right after they had me. Meeeehhhh.... Anyhow, that went well.

I went to class really late, about 11. So there was less than an hour of class left. I talked to Dr. Hannonen after class, for about an hour and a half. She's really great. I don't even know how to describe how amazing she is. She showed such kindness, caring, concern, and love for me. She literally cried with me as she saw how much pain I was in. She said she was like my Finnish mom haha. She told me so many things that made me feel so good. It seemed like she understood me so well. She said that she loved how resourceful I was, she loved how I was always busy thinking, how I somehow asked questions I knew the answers to. She just complimented me on so many of my qualities that I thought redeemed all my bad qualities. I just thought no one noticed these things, I guess they were things that I didn't show well, especially Kylie. Anyhow, she just basically told me anything I needed, anyone I needed and she would be there. She gave me her cell phone number in case I ever needed to talk about anything. She offered to make me cookies! Haha. She noticed I hadn't been eating and made me promise her I would eat as much as possible. She said I could come over anytime and just watch tv or whatever. She's so awesome haha. At the end we prayed together and she gave me a big Finnish mom hug.

After that I went to work and explained to Dawn why I was gone all the time. About 10 minutes in Nicky comes in tears streaming down her face so of course we freaked out. I asked her what happened and she just said her tooth hurt. Dawn explained that she went to the dentist. So I got her some aspirin from Dawn and ice and babied her haha. It felt good, I felt like I was taking care of her, like I should have been taking care of Kylie. I remember I would take care of Kylie literally like she was my baby. I called her my baby and treated her like one, I miss that a lot. I guess I really do need someone to take care of all the time. I did a horrible job of that the past year. I definitely did not take care of her, I took care of myself and she took care of me too. I took that for granted. I took her for granted. Which brings me to my next part... after Nicky got picked up by her dad.

I went to Hale 5 to help do work. Obviously I was still pissed at Kylie for not telling to my face to not talk to me. She asked me if I was okay and I kind of went off on her a little. A lot. I realized what I was doing and I stopped myself. I apologized and thanked her. Thanked her for everything. It was kind of beautiful, for me anyhow. I dunno about her, hopefully for her as well. I don't think I made her sad. I did end up making her cry a little. But I felt at peace with it, with her. I felt so good afterwards. I really hope I did something well for her. I hope I made her feel better. I'm still not sure if I totally believe her when she says she cares, loves me, etc. etc. and that it hurts when she sees me hurt, but I was able to reassure her that I was okay. I reassured her that I was going to be fine.

Anyhow, after that I came home. I went to my room, not sure what I did. But after a while I went to Hyrum and Henry's room and we played need for speed all night... for forever. Haha. That was fun... Anyhow today was a new day, a good day. I'll post about it later tonight I guess.

It's done.

2011-07-08T05:18:00.000-07:00

Man. I thought I was progressing, I thought I was getting somewhere, I was completely wrong. I got to work with Kylie today, I got to talk to her today, I got to feel lots better today, I got to feel like things were starting to clear up today.

Then, this? Well, I know it's over. I know it's time to stop trying. I know it's time to quit. I was on the path to recovery.

Well here's how it went down. Michael and I went to the gym and it was fine, Andrew was doing his thing. That's cool. Whatever. Near the end Michael and I are doing ab workouts and Andrew comes over asking if he can talk to me. Of course I let him, then he starts doing this awkward thing and he says something like, "Champ I don't want things to be bad between us. I want there to be a bad situation between us ya know? I want things to be good." So I look at him and say, "Okay," thinking that was the end of it. He kept talking, "Champ I've talked to Kylie." Again, I look at him and say, "Yeah." This is where the Samoan guy comes in asking if he can use the ab machine next to us (I'll get to this later, it's actually kind of funny). Andrew then says, "And you've talked to Kylie too. I can't have her coming to me all depressed anymore ya know? She doesn't want you to talk to her anymore." Here's where I got a little interested and raised my eyebrows a bit and asked, "She said that?" So he replied with a, "Yes." I nodded and shrugged a little like the way I do when I'm thinking well okay then. Then he kept repeating stuff over and over and I remember him saying, "What? Why you being weird?" Andrew, you are an idiot. Andrew, you don't deserve Kylie. Andrew, you deserve to eat shit. You could have made that normal, you could have decided to not be an asshole and talk to me next to everyone, you could have approached it better in just about any way possible.

Well, here's how it is. Michael thinks you're weird. That Samoan guy wants to kill you for attitude. I just keep thinking of you in a lower and lower light. You were so selfish about it. You cared more about dealing with Kylie than actually caring about her, I can't believe the tone of voice you used. You sounded so arrogant like you owned her. You sounded like you've actually done something for her. You sound like you've actually sacrificed something. Oh wait, you sacrificed half an hour on July 4th? Good for you. You're a true man. You just made yourself look like a fool, good job.

Oh man, and now Kylie? RIDICULOUS. You made me feel good today, you made me feel like you did care, you made me feel like maybe you still did love me as a person. You sent Andrew to tell me to not talk to you anymore? You just topped it all off. You just made my life fall even further. Not only did you not have the courage to tell me you dumped me as you said, but you didn't have the courage to tell me you couldn't talk to me anymore, YOURSELF? You couldn't even text me it this time? Weak, Kylie. Weak. Today you said you understood that talking about things made me feel better and you were glad I felt better? You've been saying I'm worth it, you care about me, you love me. You made me feel like I was able to talk to you like a civilized person and that we were making progress on completely forgiving and understanding each other. You have lied to me so much. You have contradicted yourself so much. You are so different from when I knew you Kylie. Maybe you were right about it all, maybe you were right about everything. Maybe Andrew is right for you, you two are so fitting for each other. Both so selfish and self-righteous. Maybe our love was never meant to be. I just can't believe how you can from saying that I've helped you learn and grow and be a better person when you first dumped me to now when you say I never made you a better person and that all I did was make you worse.

Inoa. You're a bitch. Mind your own business. Get a life. Get out of mine. And if you're going to be an ass, get some facts before you do. Try to call me out like that? Next time you're gonna be the one moaning and groaning if you don't learn how to shut your mouth.

And to top it all off, Nelson lost my ID card at the Gym counter. Good game.

Well Kylie, I guess that's it. You've really shown your true colors. I don't even want to be with you anymore... That was quick, you change my mind around a lot.

Ariana and Lyzz, thanks for being there. Thanks for helping me to cry. I needed it. I may have never cried that hard in my entire life. Especially not in front of people. I sobbed tears like they were raindrops, the sound of the pitter patter on the grocery bag astounded me. I didn't realize I even had that many tears in me.

Now to top THAT off, as I come out of Hale 1 who's sitting there? Haha YOU GUESSED IT! Kylie and Andrew, or should I say Emily and Mike McCoy. Just like when I cried with Whitney and went into the chapel to wash off, and they came out. PERFECT.

Well, thank you Kylie. Thank you for reassuring me that you are no longer the one for me. Thank you for reassuring me that you never were. Thank you for reassuring me that life's a bitch. Thank you for reassuring me that I will probably never find someone perfect for me.

Well, here's my notice. I'm no longer waiting for you. But like I promised before, I'll always be waiting and ready to be your friend. I guess I'll have to write a real letter to you to inform you since you won't speak to me anymore. I can't believe I made this grave mistake again and again. To trust and retrust and trust yet again. I guess I'm the only one to blame in that case huh?

Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, shame on me.

I feel quite ashamed Kylie, thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

What to say...

2011-07-07T03:56:00.000-07:00

Well let's see, how did this day go? Better I suppose... I ate a whole chili and rice because I forced myself to. Some chippies... A slice of bread. Hm that's not much at all actually, maybe I'm getting worse haha.

So what all did I do today... work... class... worked out... wasted time. Looks like this will be my weekday schedule from now on. I don't even want to think about what my weekend schedule will be like :( Sigh.

Does she love him? She went to eat lunch with him today... instead of coming to work. Dawn's really unhappy with her, I'm not 100% sure if it's because she's being motherly to me or if she really did have problems with Kylie beforehand and was just letting it go because of me like she said? I don't want Dawn to confront her or else she's just going to quit... I don't want that to happen. I still like to have her by me, I still need to see her, I still loving being with her more than anything in the world.

Dawn asks why I defend her? Because I love her Dawn... I know she's making a mistake right now but I feel like I'm not able to blame her because her mistake only came from my many mistakes in the past.

A lot of love came from a lot of people today... In particular Yunfei, Michael Baysa, and Dr. Hannonen really reached out to me. I almost cried while talking to Dr. Hannonen. Yunfei just made me feel so cared for. Michael made me feel like I would always have a friend to count on for anything.

Dr. Hannonen, probably one of the best teachers I've ever had. Also one of the most strict to the guidelines and syllabus. I had forgotten to turn in our group proposal last week when I left class halfway through to take an accounting quiz. Hunter texted me saying she would allow me to drop it in her box and we would get credit. Well... this crappy weekend happened and I completely forgot till this morning in class. I thought I would have to beg, plead, and cry to convince her to just let my teammates get the points and not make them suffer for my mistakes. She signed our proposal and gave us points without hesitation. She asked me how I was doing because the moment I walked into class she saw my face and knew something was wrong. I just told her I had a super long weekend and she left it at that. So after that I went to get a chili and rice and listened to the last half of the lecture. As we did this I felt like every single thing she was saying was pertaining to my current predicament. She taught us about ways to cope with distress through death, illness, and your girlfriend or boyfriend breaking up with you. She taught us a lot of things today, but after our lesson I went up to her and thanked her for it because it was so relevant to my current situation. She touched my heart, she told me how available she was to listen to me, she told me she changed her lesson to suit me because my face told her everything. I nearly cried. She really is a great, caring teacher and mentor. (On a side note, she mentioned that someone had asked her if I was in her class and had greatly complimented me. She said it was no one from BYUH, I'm really, really confused and clueless as to who this is. Who the heck knows me and Dr. Hannonen but isn't affiliated with BYUH? I'm so curious and want to find this out...)

Also, can't leave out Brother and Sister Wasden... :) They are probably the nicest people ever. Brother Wasden is an amazing and caring professor, I've never had a teacher invite me to his home for food so often! He feeds the masses, he is crazy! Sister Wasden is so freaking nice and caring, their family is so ridiculous. I wish I was a Wasden! They just saw me going to class and chatted with me for a bit, they could see right through me. They knew I was hurting and I'm sure they would have done something about it if I hadn't told them I was late to Dr. Hannonen's class!

Well, all in all... not a horrible day I suppose. Hyrum and Michael went to the gym with me today... Looks like I may go 5 or more days a week, if Kylie doesn't realize soon my muscles will all be too big for my clothes... ha... Anyhow...

I think I'm more willing to eat, I actually felt hunger when I was running on the treadmill today. I weighed myself and got 154 pounds even with shoes, shirt, and shorts on. So I'm about 150 right now, so unless I had gotten my weight back up to 160 like I was when I was athletic I am really not that much underweight suprisingly. Let's see how much further my body can take this no eat and no sleep routine. I figure if I put more and more strain through my activities I'll get hungry and sleepy.

One of the touching stories Dr. Hannonen told today was of a student she had a while ago who had he hated her son. She asked why and he said because he had a wonderful and loving mother while the student had never felt the loving hug of a mother. She said, I'm a mother, you're a son, would you like a hug? She told us that an hour later and with two wet shoulders, she told the student to go write a thank you letter to his mother for giving birth to him. I might do that, I might write a thank you letter to Kylie for everything that she's done for me in my life. She's done so much, it's really unimaginable. I definitely think I will do it.

I guess I'd like to ask her three questions tomorrow...

When she ignores/doesn't answer parts of my questions what does it mean? Does it mean no? Or does it just mean she doesn't want to answer it? Does it mean she just doesn't want to hurt me? What?

When she says she wants to be my best friend still... how come she never talks to me? How come whenever I send her a text her replies are so short and abrupt. It's like I'm just hassling her every time... She never got mad when Andrew texted her when she was with me... How come she always tries to get away so much? How come she never wants to spend any time with me?

Does he make you happier than I used to?

I just can't imagine them together. It just isn't right. Just seeing them hold hands made my heart just skip a beat. I can't even imagine what seeing them kiss would do to me... I just hope Kylie remembers me... I miss her so badly... Every single song's lyrics remind me of her. I swear every time I actually pay attention to the lyrics I think of her. When I glance at her once in a while, I don't think she feels the same way. I wish she could know my anguish... it seems like everyone else does but her. I wish people would stop telling me I deserve better, she wasn't good enough, you'll find someone way better, etc... because it's not true. I don't deserve better, I didn't deserve her, she was too good, and there will never be someone better. I also wish people would stop just telling me, I wish people would talk to Kylie, talk some sense into her. That's my greatest wish right now. I wish that people like Dawn would sit down and have a chat with Kylie, maybe she would realize quicker that I have repented, that I have done all that I can do to fix things, and that it's only up to her to forgive me and give me one last chance. I guess I'll end this with a quote that's been one of my favorites for a while.

It's always darkest before dawn.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Just another day

2011-07-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

Still not able to eat or sleep... sigh.

I guess today was better, work definitely went a lot more... normal than I thought it would. Dawn... is too funny. She really is like my mom, so protective of me! :) I really hope Kylie can see how much I've changed and how much I hurt... I know if she knew she would be able to forgive me and give me another chance...

I zipped over to Hale 1 real quick to see if my group meeting was still quick and I saw Andrew and Kylie there... in the lounge... sigh... She really has just replaced me with someone she thinks is better for her... How am I supposed to get her to realize that he isn't? I don't want to do anything dirty or underhanded like them... I just want my life back. I just want my girlfriend back. I just want things to be the way they should be.

I went to work on time for the first time in a very, very long time. I went to class. I went to the gym. I played need for speed with Hyrum and Alex... I have no life. Hyrum is a good guy though, he really wanted to cheer me up.

Oh Kylie, please realize soon. I don't know how much more of this torment my body can handle. I received my answers and you received yours, but they are different. I know mine is right and you know yours is right. So how is that going to work?

Anyhow, I'm taking it a lot better socially than I did with Emily I guess. At least I'm talking to people, at least I'm laughing, at least I can still function. But inside I hurt more than I ever have in my life. Inside I'm dying. Every time I see them together my heart breaks.

I want her to realize soon, not just for my good, but for our mutual benefit. I know she's with the wrong person. I know he's making her happy, I know he is treating her better than I had been treating her. He's the white knight right now. He's me right now. He's playing tricks though, he's playing for his own good. He may be wearing white armour but he is most definitely black on the inside. He knew how to win her from me, he know when to strike, he knew what to say, what to do. Good game. Good game.

Well, I'm going to try to head to bed... hopefully I can wake up on time again, sleep well, feel rested, and have more of an appetite tomorrow.

I miss her. I miss being with her. I miss kissing her. I miss touching her. I miss holding her. I've missed it for far too long, I know that now. I know that I neglected her so much for so long. I just need forgiveness and a chance to make myself perfect for her again. All I can do is pray for the things to fall back into place and for her to realize what that place is I suppose.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Changes

2011-07-05T03:58:00.000-07:00

As you can probably tell, I made the last post in a complete rage. I made the last post come with so much blind fury that I said a lot of things I shouldn't have said. I'm not proud, I like to feel like I have control of what I say, though not necessarily how I say it, when I'm angry.

Last night was probably one of the worst nights I've had in my entire life. And yet, it may have been one of the most growing I've done in anyone one sitting.

I've been so self-righteous this past months. I've been so mean. I've been such a hypocrite.

I could not sleep last night and all I wanted was to be able to fall asleep. I got to evaluate a lot of my life. I felt so angry that Kylie had ignored me all day. I felt so angry that she had the time to update her Facebook, wait for it to change, then delete it while never responding to my e-mail or phone.

When I got to talk to Kylie today and she pretty much barked at me, it all finally clicked. It all finally meshed in my mind. And then when she told me what the last thing I had said to her in person was... I died inside. She was right. She had absolutely every right to break it off with me. I still think it was quite underhanded of her to do it the way she did, but that's besides the point now.

Inside I still feel hurt, I still feel a bit screwed over, I still feel a little bit angry. But it's all different now. Those feelings are so far second to the shame I feel. I mistreated the best thing that had ever happened to me in my life for the last year. She endured my selfishness for a whole year. I complained about things that were wrong and blamed them on her. I had so much going on in my life, I had such a rough last year of my life, and I took it out on Kylie. Why not, right? She's my girlfriend, she's my best friend, she's my companion. But when it was her turn? I turned it around on her... I knew that. Why did I do that? I can't believe I was that selfish. I can't believe that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

Last night, I got answers. I got answers to a lot of questions. I knew for a fact that to make myself feel better I needed to talk to Kylie, but this time for unselfish reasons. I needed to talk to her because I needed to make things right, I needed to make amends, I needed her to understand me, and most of all I needed to let her know I understood her. I knew I had to beg for her forgiveness, I knew I had to ask for her mercy, I knew I had to put up one last stand and fight so hard for what I know is right while all along I knew her answer would be no.

I've been one of the most horrible persons I've ever been for the last year. I've put the love of my life through one year of a living hell. I messed up. I know I did. There's lots of blame and fault between us, but I never owned up and took my fair share of it. I did just push it all on her. I did just blame her. I did just take it out on her. I did do everything I shouldn't have done.

I'm sorry. I'm apologizing to everyone at this point. I'm sorry I've let myself become this person that I am. I'm sorry that I blamed it on my environment. I'm sorry I've changed so much for the worse. I'm sorry that even though I say all the time that my past doesn't influence me, I let it influence me horribly.

Kylie, I know I've told you this in person but if you or anyone else ever sees this. I know what I was and what I became, I know that what I was, was a good person. Imperfect, but good. I know that what I've become is a bad person, bad but not evil. I know that I changed. I know that change doesn't happen overnight, but a change of heart can happen instantly. I know that I'm ready to embrace the world with a new outlook. I know that I'm a good person, and back on track on striving to be perfect. I know that what I've done today is what I should have done.

I'm saying this as unselfishly as possible at this point. It's up to Kylie to interpret how she pleases. Just like she knew it was right to break it off and date Andrew, I knew that it was wrong. I hope she feels what I felt. I hope she knows that I love her more than anyone else ever will. I know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I just hope that what I know is the way it's supposed to be, really is the way it's supposed to be.

My faith went from my normal overfilled tank to completely empty, and back again to even higher than it was before somehow. Sometimes to find what's good in your life you need to look where you least expect to find it. I was able to make it home safely with all my belongings. I was able to find out that some people I thought were just acquaintances and in my past, were people who actually still cared for me deeply. I found that some people cared enough to put forth the effort to help me in my time of need. I found out that people do love me still. I found out that Kylie doesn't.

I think I might be ok. I think I'll be able to sleep reasonably well tonight, at least comparatively. I think I'll be able to stay asleep for longer than 10 minutes at a time. I think I'll be able to eat more than a few bites a day. I think I'll be able to drink more than a sip or two a day. I think I'll be able to feel strength and vigor in my body instead of weakness, pain, and suffering. I think, I'll be ok. My life isn't ending. My life isn't going down the drain. My life just needed a little jump start.

For those of you who actually read this, (I'm assuming no one) thank you. For those of you who care about me, thank you. For those of you who have reached out to me, thank you. For those of you who have helped me in my life, thank you. For those of you who have taught me lessons in my life, thank you. For those of you who have made my life difficult, thank you. You've all contributed to who I am, and who I am now is different from who I was yesterday. Who I am now, includes the lessons I should have learned over this past year, the humility I should have had, the caring I should have shown, the tenderness I should have given, and the love I did not give.

I promise to be better tomorrow than I was =today().

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

New Record

2011-07-04T03:48:00.000-07:00

January 9, 2009 - July 2, 2011.

Kylie Soelberg and Champ Vinitnantharat

RIP.

It's over.

July 2, 2011 - Present

Kylie Soelberg and Andrew Alvarado.

Good game Kylie. Good game. Pulling off the Emily Culp. Who would have thought I could have made that same horrible mistake again? Stupid stupid me. I just don't know what to do with myself.

What the hell is wrong with me? There has to be something, I've seriously dated 3 girls now. I've thought I was going to marry 3 girls now. I've picked and chosen carefully. I've picked and chosen wrong every time. I've felt like it was so right every time, any time there was trouble it fell through.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I guess I'm doing better? I'm lasting in longer and longer relationships? Look this one lasted what... just one week shy of a year and seven months? I guess I deserve this. I made the first digression. I just can't believe it.

All this time I knew she liked him and that he liked her, but I didn't do anything about it because I trusted her? All those times where I said that if I wasn't good enough for her that she should just date Andrew and she never said a word? I can't believe it. I can't believe how identical this is to Emily. I can't believe how identical every thing they said to me was. It was ridiculous. I just feel like... shit. She feels something different for him? She felt something different for me. Jenna said she felt butterflies for me? Jenna said she felt butterflies for her boyfriend. Wow. Girls are ridiculous.

I wish I could just die honestly. I wish all this heartache and pain would just be gone. I wish I wasn't such a horrible boyfriend. Look, I know I'm not perfect but what's my problem? What's causing all this? I understand that when I dated Emily I wasn't a member and her parents obviously didn't like that. I understand that when I dated Whitney we were in high school and her parents obviously didn't like that. I understand that when I dated Kylie I hadn't gone on a mission and her parents obviously didn't like that. Am I such a bad person? Whitney was a different story and I see why it was necessary for us to break up, but Kylie and Emily? What the hell. I was freaking blindsided then dumped for something better?

Kylie what about all those times you said you loved me so much? What about all those times you said I was special? What about all those times you said I was the best boyfriend ever? What about all those times you said you missed me so much you cried? On the phone today you just said you never loved me enough? Holy crap. What the hell Kylie?! You NEVER LOVED ME ENOUGH?! After a year and a half you tell me this? You tell me you tried? You tell me you tried your very hardest to LOVE ME?! You should have loved me first. You should not have had to try. You should not have had to sneak around while I was in class and spend time with someone who "treated you good, made you laugh, made you happy." Fuck you. This is bullshit. I trusted Andrew. I trusted my friends. Most of all, I trusted you. I can't believe it.

I've endured it all, you said so yourself. You said you were so happy that I could endure all of your hardships. For what Kylie? For you to give up because I've been grumpy at you for things that you said you so desperately wanted to change but never did because YOU NEVER LOVED ME ENOUGH? That's suck a dick move Kylie. At first, I was just sad. I just felt empty. When you told me it was time for a break I had to agree, it was time to break and see what was really troubling us. The next moment you said you were done? Then I find out it's because you've already got someone lined up? You do this to me the moment I'm gone from town because you said you didn't have the courage to face me in person? I can't believe you. I can't believe I've listened to your lies for the past year and a half. I can't believe I've invested my ENTIRE LIFE in you. I can't believe you get off without a hitch. You have someone lined up. You have your car. You have your kitchen. You have your job. You have your friends. You have everything Kylie. Anything and everything I've helped with you in your life, you now have. What do I have? A broken heart. An empty fridge. A room with my bed. A room that will be my prison. I have nothing Kylie. Thanks a lot.

But you know what? I can't blame you I suppose. All these other girls thought the same. All those other girls I was with are now engaged and married. I guess I'm just the teacher. Like you said, you needed to date me to learn and grow. That's all I'm good for huh? I don't even know what I'm trying to say in this post. It was just supposed to be short.

All I can say is... I feel so hurt. I felt so sad. And now I just feel angry. I just feel like the world hates me. The world messes with me. The world loves irony and I'm the victim of it. Thanks for playing the part Kylie.

You said that you should have wanted to do be better? You said everything I said was right? You said it wasn't fair to me? So you had to do it? Wow.

I need you still Kylie. It's just not fair. How did you get EVERYthing in our split up? Who's going to wake me up in the mornings? Who's going to be with me every moment of my life? Who's going to help me feed myself in a somewhat healthy manner? Who's going to be my best friend...?

I just feel so alone... I just feel so isolated. I just feel like crying. Like drowning myself. I just can't take this deep, deep pain inside me.

I can't believe you used the temple against me Kylie. You couldn't be with someone who thought it was such a sacrifice to get married in the temple?! Of course it is. It's supposed to be a sacrifice EVERY time you go to the temple. I can't believe you. You went so low. Of course I think it's a huge sacrifice. It was a HUGE sacrifice to get baptized. Was it worth it? I was sure of it, just like I was sure of you. Now I'm starting to question. Thanks to you, thanks to all the lies I've heard. Thanks to all this expectation of me needing to go on a mission... you said you would wait for me for TWO WHOLE YEARS. You didn't wait two whole minutes before dating someone else. I guess I've buttered you up now huh? This is why you "needed to date me". I convinced you that going on a mission isn't what makes the person, I convinced you that me not going on a mission shouldn't change how you feel about me, well lookie there. Andrew hasn't gone on one. I guess you're right. You did need to date me. You needed to date me to do all the work. KYLIE I'VE DONE SO MUCH FOR YOU. I've ALWAYS been there for you. I've ALWAYS done what's best for you. What do I get now? What have I got? Nothing. Andrew did nothing. He made you happy. He made you laugh. He "treated you good." He wins. Good job. He's an ass Kylie. I hope you find that out soon for your own good. You're right, he is funny, he does make you happy, he does treat your right. He's also shallow. He's also full of himself. He also thinks that he is the greatest guy in the world. He's completely sexist. He wants you because he couldn't have you. He wants you because you're the prize. He wants you. But I guess if you really meant what you said and all you wanted to be was happy? Well I guess ignorance truly is bliss Kylie. Who am I to say anything? You're obviously the one on the right track. You'r obviously the one who knows it all. You're obviously the one that will make the right choice.

You win. I lose.

Chalk another point up to the women of my life. I'm getting worse. I e-mailed the counseling services. I'm pathetic. I can't handle this on my own. Know what sucks? I'm double majoring in Business and Psychology. Guess who all works in the counseling services department? My teachers and classmates! Wooohooo. Life's a bitch.

Moral of the story?

It's not that you don't know what you've got till it's gone. It's just that you never think you'll lose it in the first place.

I never thought you would have the guts to dump me, honestly. I thought you would have the courage to be upfront with me. I thought you were trustworthy. I thought you cared about me. I thought you loved me.

I can't believe you blew my opinion of you so far in the other direction so quickly. I never in a million years would have thought that I would have been able to equate you with Emily. And yet, here it is. You both texted me to break up with me. You both dumped me for someone else. You both told me you never loved me, enough. You both said that I was wonderful. You both said that there was someone else perfect for me, better than yourselves.

Kylie, you say you're done? You're just done? That's how you break up with me?

Well I'm done too Kylie. I'm done with life. I'm done with everything. What's it all matter? It's all going to shit anyways. Anything in my life is that way. Thanks for being the biggest douchebag you could have possibly been. THANK YOU for doing EVERYTHING that I asked you not to ever do to me, and doing nothing I asked you to do for me. Thank you for letting me relive the last horror of my life, the breakup with Emily. THANK YOU for everything. I'm sorry that I just wasn't enough.

At least one of us is happy huh? Your bullshit lines of Champ, you ARE worth it. I WILL be your friend. Thanks for that one last plunge into my heart Kylie. Thank you for not talking to me all day. I hope you had a good day with your boyfriend. I hope you have a great rest of your life. I hope you know that this has been the biggest regret of my life. You topped Emily - it was no contest.

There's so much to say, there's so much on my mind, there's no way I can express it all. One word will have to suffice:

ALONE

I just need a friend... I just need someone... I just want to be loved. Is that so much to ask for these days? Apparently so... I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. No one would miss me. No one would care. I'm sure a million people would go to my funeral and year later no one would even remember my name.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Developmental Psychology Autobiography

2010-12-12T04:03:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a while since I've posted, although there have been significant things in my life that have happened... I feel like my autobiography helps gives a quick brief synopsis of my life. Well here it is:

Champ Vinitnantharat

12/11/10

Autobiography

Introduction and Background Information

Obviously my name is Champ Vinitnantharat and I am currently a student in your Developmental Psychology class. I took this class because I decided that I liked psychology and business as my major choices. I had been taking your other psychology class but found out that this was a class I needed to take for my major.

I was born in Chickamauga, Alabama. My father was studying at Auburn University as a microbiologist. My mother had just graduated high school from Jackson High School. We loved in a large tract of land in a trailer home. My mother stayed at home while my dad went to college and worked. My parents are both 100% Asian but both only half of each race. My mother is half Vietnamese and half Laotian and my father is half Chinese and half Thai which makes me exactly one quarter of each. The race that I identify most strongly with would be my Thai counterpart because that was the influence given most to me by my parents. Whenever my mother made food we would eat “Thai food.” I came from a strict home, the stereotypical Asian parents and Asian student. I was destined to fail to fulfill this stereotype threat, fortunately.

I lived in Alabama for the first few years of my life then we moved into my Aunt’s house on my dad’s side. We lived in her house in Chino Hills, California for a while but less than a year. We moved to Bellevue, Washington where I attended a private pre-school, Country Kids Co-Op Preschool where I found out that many of my tendencies would be perpetuated for the rest of my life. After graduating from that I attended Ardmore Elementary school which when I look back was one of the poorest and least well funded schools I have ever been in. After the 2^nd trimester of 1^st grade I moved to Bothell, Washington and attended Crystal Springs Elementary which was a huge difference in schooling. We again moved houses after my parents had been divorced for a while but we only moved about a mile down the road into an apartment, without my dad during my days in Skyview Junior High School. After graduating I went to Bothell High School and in my senior year I got baptized. After graduating I came here to BYUH, which I now consider home and am contemplating staying here for the rest of my life.

Family Constellation: Birth Order and Siblings

I was the first born child of my family and was in the wedding pictures of my parents. I’m not sure how they met to be honest but they did. I was born in the Montgomery Hospital and was born on March 22, 1991. My sister was born after me and she is my only sibling. She was born on October 15, 1994 in the Children’s Hospital in Bellevue, Washington. We actually got into a car accident on the way to the hospital for a check-up. We had a small Honda Civic or some other model and was rear-ended by a large Suburban hauling a boat. All I remember is a small dent on the back of the trunk and the other guy being very nervous and feeling bad and fiddling around with a piece of grass. A few weeks after I remember being in the hospital room with my mom and my dad and watching cartoons and then we went home with my sister a few days later. I don’t actually remember my mom giving birth, just that it took a long time. My sister irritates me and I can’t stand her, still. She seems to have gotten off much more easily with everything in life than I did and she is completely spoiled. She likes to talk too much, too loud, at the wrong times, while saying the wrong things. She has a general disrespect for everything and she wants everything that I have. She likes to use others and acts immature in general. She likes to pretend to be old and mature but she does so in the wrong ways by making friends with all of my friends and making friends with other people that are older than me. For example she has been dating a boy that is older than me for the past year. She wants my parents to spoil her and pay for all of her expenses; not following my example in any way. I worked hard in school, in extracurricular activities, in work, and in life while she always complains about how hard her life is. She does do better in school than me however because she studies more and does her work, but this is all she does except for cheerleading and playing tennis.

School Experiences and Academic Successes

My school experiences are very unusual, as well as my academic successes. My school experiences were very good up until the age of around 3^rd grade or so. In Kindergarten I had a semi-difficult time adjusting to the environment because I was raised in an Asian culture and my first language actually was Thai, but English quickly surpassed Thai as my main language after a few months of schooling. I quickly learned that I liked to talk freely and liked to learn in my own way. However this did not fly with my teachers and I frequently got in trouble soon into my elementary schooling. I went by Preschool, Kindergarten, and 1^st Grade without too many problems. After reaching 2^nd Grade however I started to see that I was going to have problems with many of my teachers and my personality. By 3^rd grade I saw that I could not see, when teachers would post things on the overhead projector I could not see them and I made excuses to walk up to the front of the classroom to read what they wrote. I was fairly lonely and unpopular from 3^rd grade on, for some reason my personality, my culture, and my parents did not seem to mesh well. I did not seem to like having friends because my parents did not want me hanging out with them outside of school. My sense of humor and talkative tendencies also made me a bit unpopular. In 4^th grade I saw huge differences in my classmates, some obviously had some types of personality disorders and some obviously did not learn as well as others. I excelled in school because that is all I had to do, I had done many upper level workbooks which my mother bought for me at Barnes and Nobles when I was younger which meant I had been doing 6^th grade work in Kindergarten. This made me very bored in class and I can safely say I was the smartest child in my elementary school. By 4^th grade I was getting in trouble and getting sent out of class, calls home, sent to the principal, etc. for reasons which I still don’t understand now. Most of my trouble was for talking out of turn and for laughing or saying things which I thought were funny but apparently were offensive. By 6^th grade I can also say I was probably the loneliest and most isolated student in my school. I was this way until around 8^th grade. Going into Junior High School I was afraid of many things, I was immersed in the internet and games online. I actually did not have a single friend from the end of 5^th grade until the beginning of 8^th grade. I played an online game with 2 girls that I went to school with and we became good friends, or so I thought until one day they came to my house and bore their love for me at my doorstep. This was my first relationship from school, sort of. I continued being very intelligent but no longer being the most intelligent. By the middle of 8^th grade my personality started to fit with society because everyone was breaking out of their social norm and becoming their own person. I got my first girlfriend in the middle of 8^th grade and it lasted a whole five weeks long. In 9^th grade I started to become friends with many different people although I wouldn’t consider myself popular, I still did not hang out with friends outside of school much but because of sports that I played, track and field, wrestling, and tennis I had outside of school experiences. My academic success started to go down because many of the teachers still thought my actions in class were inappropriate but I started building a good relationship with a few teachers who understood me and liked me. I excelled and enjoyed a few categories, mainly the ones that provided hands-on learning opportunities such as science and physical education classes. I did well in most subjects like math and English but disliked them. I did poorly in art and creative kinds of classes. I actually liked going to school up until the beginning of my high school years, I had gotten near perfect attendance up until the 10^th grade year. By the 10^th grade when I entered high school I would consider myself fairly popular and friends or friendly with nearly everyone I knew. It was a dramatic change. My academics slowly diminished however and my GPA went from a 4.0 my 8^th grade year to a cumulative of a 3.3 by the time I graduated. I liked filling my life with many things however so I took 2 extra classes over most people, did one sport per season, was a part of the associate student body, and worked two jobs most of my high school life. By diversifying I may have had some sort of moratorium in this stage of my life, I did everything for everyone and I felt that I ran the school in some ways. I succeeded in my classes both academically and citizenship-wise because my unique personality was accepted and even applauded by many teachers. I had a good base knowledge from younger years and felt that I did not learn anything fundamentally important after elementary school. My senior year of high school I took the ACT and got a score of 30 and took the SAT and got a score of 1900 which apparently are very good. Many of my friends were a bit bitter that I did much better than them because I never studied specifically for these tests. I graduated high school in the top half of my class, but nowhere too high but more importantly to me I graduated high school being the most service I could be to the most people I could be. I feel I was paid back for my deeds because I got good grades in many of my classes which I should not have because I did so much work outside of the class that many teachers acknowledged. I felt that I was close to many of my teachers and faculty members and we had a symbiotic relationship with each other.

Relationship with parents and/or Significant People In My Life

My relationship with my parents was never great, at least never that close. My parents always provided me with the essentials for life, but when I look back I never feel like they provided me with what I needed for life. My parents did not help me socially become well-liked and respected. My parents always disciplined me more than my sister I felt like, and still feel like. My sister made my life very difficult and I honestly wish she had never been a part of it, or even been born still. I feel that their divorce is even her fault because the final fight came because she was impeding on my personal space and my mother was gone and my dad was out of work and at home as well. When I was very young I do remember my mom kissing me good night but other than that I don’t remember much affection being shown, I never said I loved them and I still don’t. My father was very harsh on me and seemed like he was overly critical. I remember once coloring in a coloring book and accidentally coloring one object the wrong color so I went over to him and told him and I remember he reprimanded me for making a mistake and that I should learn my lesson that I never will be able to fix some mistakes in my life once I make them. I never had any privacy in my life, my room was never locked because it did not have locks. My room door was never knocked on before entering. I was never close, am not close, and probably will never be close to my parents.

Relationship With Those of The Opposite Sex

My relationship with those of the opposite sex is very unusual. I look back at pictures of when I was younger and realize I was very good looking but unfortunately decided to dress very unattractively. I also had bad haircuts, braces, and glasses. Apparently my mother told me I always hugged girls and was close with my day care workers and such and she always told me to stop doing it, although I personally don’t remember any of that. I did not have a relationship with a girl until I was in 5^th grade which I was best friends with Timothy Kee and Emily. We were the three inseparable friends who always played Neopets together. However Tim moved away in 6^th grade. I did not have a relationship with any girls until 8^th grade which I mentioned earlier when I had two girls profess their love for me on my doorstep. Looking back I feel like I was very awkward and have no idea why girls liked me, after dating for the first time it seemed like my “girl drought” had finished and I was now being inundated with crushes. It seemed all my friends liked me and all the girls I liked weren’t my friends. It was a radical change from just a few years before, however I feel like it was easier being literally alone. I felt like no one understood me, and still feel that way to today. All throughout the end of junior high and high school I have had many, many girls like me but for some reason only found a few girls to my liking which happened to be the girls that didn’t like me except for a few rare exceptions. Of these few rare exceptions I managed to mess things up to the point where things didn’t work out at all, I look back and regret many things and many choices I have made and feel like my life would have been a lot happier and more joyful had I not been stupid. I guess you could say I am a bit ruminant about my school years. My girl problems culminated in my senior year of high school where girls had liked me since meeting them when I get a girl named Emily Culp from Kentucky. I met her one day when I was at work and my friend (whom I openly told her I liked a long while before) Emily McDonald introduced us. I thought nothing of it, but one day a few days before school started and sports and club practices were already starting up I saw her again and instantly thought she was attractive. We immediately felt the same way towards each and started dating a few weeks later. I was hesitant to get into a relationship at this point because I was afraid of many things, I was looking for a long lasting relationship and knew that this would most likely not last longer than a year because after high school ended we would part ways. This was before I was baptized and taught about the church as well so had I known this I may never have dated her. To make a very, very, very, very, (very x infinity) story short we had a very bad break-up a few short months later and I was heartbroken. I can honestly say it was in the top 5 worst times of my life, if not the most. I was always the happy, smiling and talkative Champ but for a few months long, lonely, gray, and depressive months I was silent, still, and lethargic. Nobody knew what to do, everyone in school noticed and everyone was freaking out. Teachers talked about me, teachers talked to me, my friends were clueless on how to help me, my friends talked to each other, my friends talked to my teachers, and everyone tried to help me. I was only able to be better a while later when one of my long time friends Whitney talked to me consistently everyday for over 2 months about my life and my problems. After this she told me that she had liked me ever since she had met me when we were still in junior high and had been too young to date me. She was a very shy girl and someone who I never would have expected to like me. This changed me forever, we started to date a while later and I must say it was some of the happiest times of my life when I was with her. All my friends assumed we would be together forever and get married, except for my Mormon friends and her parents. Her parents hated that we were together and although we still considered each other to be in a relationship when I got here her parents forced her to break it off and I was again very depressed. However ever since I have gotten here it seems that the girls have gotten more crazy, and since breaking up with Whitney I have been together for very short flings with what seems like an unimaginably large amount of girls since then. I definitely feel like I was desperate for attention and love. However these were not the girls I would want to spend the rest of my life with and I knew it, yet I still did hang out with them. I finally met a good girl and started dating her just under 11 months ago. Hopefully this is something that is meant to be, if not I’m not sure what I would do.

Significant Conflicts and/or Problems Which Have Resulted in Personal Growth

I feel like I’ve had many significant conflicts and problems in my life which resulted in my personal growth but I also feel like nothing an outsider would consider a significant problem to be one to me. For example I don’t consider any of my moves to be a huge personal growth factor in my life, or my parents’ messy divorce, or even my conversion. What I consider major conflicts or problems are mostly girls and school related. My aloneness in the first years of my school years resulted in my learning to be independent and self-motivated to learn myself about things that I wanted to know about and not rely on others. I also became much more independent as time went on my parents relied on me to do many things for them. My father even put extra responsibilities such as balancing his checkbook and writing his checks for him so I would learn how to become more responsible. I still think that the girls and school related matters caused me to grow the most though. After I started getting friends I was always the one that everyone talked to about their problems, whether or not they knew me well or were close to me friend-wise. Because of this I was able to learn and grow without personally experiencing many things but rather because I was able to help someone else through them. Many people have talked to me about many serious things in life at an early age and I see that as making me more mature and experience in real life than most people were or even are.

Methods of Coping With or Handling Conflicts/Problems/Challenges in Life

I probably do not have the best methods of coping or handling conflicts. Most people believe that I never have conflicts, problems, or challenges and this may be because early on in life I never talked to my parents about anything. I mostly internalize all of my problems and go on with life as if nothing is wrong and therefore many people mistakenly assume I am always happy and there are never problems in my life. On the contrary, I had many problems in life, especially when I was in junior high and high school. I never had a specific person I would talk to about everything, or even anything until I came here and talked to Liza about everything. In the past I would just talk to whoever was most accessible at the random time that I would feel like I wanted to talk and this made many of my close friends angry because they would at times be the last ones to find out about major things happening in my life. I would let myself think about all my problems or conflicts until someone brought it up at just the right time in just the right way and then I would unload all of it. I would definitely say I’m a very open and non-secretive person but everyone would always think I was hiding things because I would talk about one thing in my life to many different people rather than all things in my life to one specific person, so if you added all of my friends’ knowledge together everyone would probably know everything about me.

Significant Religious Experiences

Obviously I was baptized during my senior year, specifically on May 17, 2008 and have been a member for about a year and a half now. Before that time I was a Buddhist but by the time I got taught by the missionaries I was fairly inactive and so was the rest of my family, my mom went for social experiences once in a while, mainly for holidays and special occasions. At first my family was fairly devout and we drove a long ways every Sunday to temple and we volunteered and worked hard. I even went to Saturday school to learn Thai in the temple, however this became more and more slack as I got older, as my parents got divorced, as I became more of my own person. I can say I never really believed many things but I got a lot out of being Buddhist for a time in my life, I saw a lot of good things and a few odd things. I learned to take the best of cultures, religions, and societies and to try to emulate them as best as I could in myself. After being baptized I can say there was no significant change in my life except I didn’t work Sundays much anymore, I paid tithing, and I went to church. Otherwise all other things in my life remained fairly the same. I kind of question the morality of some people when they tell me I was so lucky to not be a member all of my life and that If they were me they would have drank, partied, smoke, etc. if they weren’t a member. I feel like one of the most important things in the church is to have a lack of wanting to sin, yet I hear all the time “If I wasn’t a member I would…” It’s just amazing because my life has always been open and I’ve always been able to do whatever I wanted yet it seems I always picked what was best for me. Being independent from my parents let me roam freely around literally and figuratively. Some oxymoronic kinds of things happen at church I find many times, especially during fasting testimony meeting. For example I listen to a girl bear a testimony about how the church is true, how every young man needs to go on a mission, how important every commandment is, how important modern day revelation is, and that we must listen to the prophet diligently. I then see this girl later that evening coming out a jeep wearing a bikini, with sand on her legs; she had obviously been at the beach and immodest while she was there. I am amazed at how many bad people I find within the church because the church is true, I would think that with this knowledge people would be good, even perfect. I’ve always been one to hate being told what to do all the time, especially if the person is being hypocritical. At this point in time I feel like I am there, like I am being told what to do, constantly, by hypocrites. Don’t get me wrong, there are an amazingly large number of people who live the gospel perfectly and are role models beyond measure for me, but there are the people that tell me, “Go on a mission. You need to go.” This wouldn’t irk me so much if it weren’t from some kid who is 17, has a beard, is dating a girl who isn’t exactly the most righteous girl around and is doing things he shouldn’t be doing. There are lots of bad people who go on missions and come back, just as bad. I know people who drink and smoke and have gone on missions, I know of a rapist who’s gone on one, and I know of people who get married in the temple who are doing things they shouldn’t be. At this point in time I don’t feel like a mission is my calling, some point in time in the future it may be so, but I do not feel it now. I feel like this is the ultimate showdown and my very closest friends who can understand me against the rest of the Mormon world. I feel that many young men go on missions because they need to because of culture, not out of a realization of their calling to serve. I have not grown up a member, I am the only member in my family, and it seems my home ward is pushing me a lot less than people at BYUH because they understand where I come from. However, I feel that I am being pushed to the limit because I have chosen to not go on a mission and apparently to some this is unacceptable. Many young men go inactive for many various reasons, many go inactive before turning 19, many go inactive after turning 19, many go in active after coming back from their missions. I feel their pain, it’s almost a daily occurrence that I get reminded that I am not adequate as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints until I serve a full-time mission of two years time and come back honorably. I feel my love for the church get weaker as time goes on because my fellow members are tearing me down and pushing me away for a choice that I’ve made. I do however have hope and faith, that one day I will be accepted and that everything will be well, and that I will be able to live a happy life and have an eternal family and that none of these things will matter in the long run. I do however, wish that this phase of my life would be over already and that I was 25, married, out of college, and settled into a career already so that I could skip over the problems I face every day.

Attitudes and Self-Image During Adolescence/Adulthood

My attitude and self-image during adolescence was quite odd. I had a very bad self-image about myself when I was younger, I thought I was destined to live alone forever and to never have friends in my life. As I grew older and into my teenage years I felt more competent, more skilled, more well-liked, more attractive, more athletic, and basically more better about everything in my life. I still feel this way mostly because people tell me so and reinforce this idea. As I was younger I was always bad at sports and had to try my very hardest just to not look like a fool at every sport I tried, however as time went on I got better and people noticed and said so. The same can be said for everything else, such as my competence level. Everyone used to think I was stupid, ignorant, and naïve, I however feel like I have always been the same and have changed very little, it is just that everyone else has changed and grown up so to the way I act is finally acceptable and even likable. I would like to say that I started out at near rock bottom for my self-image after a few years into elementary this dipped down to a huge negative number until about when I hit puberty, after this my self-image started to skyrocket at a continuous rate to where it is today. I feel like my self-image is very high and still climbing as time goes on, hopefully it doesn’t level off anytime soon, I like feeling good about myself.

My Projections Into The Future

My future is very uncertain in my honest opinion. I don’t know what career I will hold. I don’t know who I will marry. I don’t know whether or not I will go on a mission. I don’t even know if I will still be a member of the church. Hopefully everything works out for the best and everything will turn out the way that it should and I don’t mess up too often or too badly on the way. I have high hopes and high expectations for my future however, I expect to make a difference, I expect to be wealthy both temporally and spiritually, and I expect to have a great life. I am not entirely sure what that would entail at this point in time but I do know that I will not be happy with my life until I am happy, with my life. I am not one to let things be the way they are, I will take action and I will change whatever it is I need to change to make my life the way I want it to be.

Live? Love? Laugh?

2010-10-31T04:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes. Life just sucks. Sometimes I just hate my life. Sometimes I just hate love. Sometimes I just hate the sound of laughter.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just being whiney again. I mean honestly when I was in Jr. High I used to always say I never got why people cut themselves, if they hated life that much they should just kill themselves or something like that. I guess that's kind of how I feel right now...

How many times do I have to mess up before I get things right? "Right" is all perspective though huh? Some people would kill to be where I'm at, some people are probably pretty envious of my life. Or not, I dunno. Let's see though... I'm almost halfway through school, both my parents are alive, I have a girlfriend, I have a job, I'm doing alright in school, I know a lot of people, I'm young.

Wow I'm already halfway through school, not knowing what I want to be. My parents are alive? Kind of, sometimes I feel like to me they might as well be dead. I mean what are they good for? What have they done parentally for me? My mom fucked up my taxes so now I don't get shit from the government, awesome. My dad's gone crazy and he's just had surgery, sweet. I went home for the summer and saw my dad... once? Twice? I saw my mom... 5 times? 10 times? Who the hell cares... I have a girlfriend? Ohhhh this one's good. This one we should save till the end. So my job... I can only work 19 hours at, for 7.25 an hour. Pretty gay... What's that get me? $275 a week... so basically not enough to cover housing and tuition even. I'm doing alright in school? I guess... sometimes I just feel like I'm getting a grade and not learning a thing. Aren't I supposed to have a real job by now? Aren't I supposed to know what I want to do when I get out of college? I know a lot of people... and yet... I feel like I don't know the right people. Being young sucks sometimes, actually for me, I feel like all the time.

I'm 19. I'm Mormon. I'm at BYUH. I am double-majoring in Business and Psychology.
I haven't gone on a mission and I am not planning on going one at the moment.

What was I thinking? Kylie can't accept me. Her parents can't accept me. I'm not good enough. Hell, I shouldn't even be at this school. I hate Mormon girls. I've met the most ridiculous ones, some of them I feel should be smote for blasphemy or something. Kylie is 20. Her brother doesn't wanna go on a mission... No way her parents are gonna let me even think about marrying Kylie. Somehow this is so familiar, like Whitney and her brother... Whitney... Oh geez. Bringing up the past.

Obviously I still love her. I can't help that. I love Kylie. I can't help that either. Love is such a funny thing, I feel like I've felt it so many times in my life. I say that like I've had a long life already, which in a way is true literally. I will soon have lived 1/4 of my expected life span if I live the life of an average American. But figuratively speaking, I've been with a lot of girls... I've had lots of... things with girls. I've been... lots of things with girls. Right now I'm with Kylie and sometimes I wish I wasn't to be completely honest. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting time, wasting her time, wasting my time. Sometimes I can't imagine spending forever with her. Sometimes I can't imagine anything but that. I see cute little babies all the time and I get jealous. I see a couple together completely in love and carefree and I get jealous. I see married people in my classes and hear them talk about their spouses and I get jealous.

Kylie and I aren't gonna get married. Who am I joking? There's no way it would work out. What am I doing... Wasting time... What should I do? Kylie and I are fighting so much recently. I hate myself. I hate my life. There's so many times I wish I was just... dead. Why couldn't I just settle for something else. Haha... settle. I guess that's why. Maybe it's my personality... maybe I really do just want what I can't have. Kylie and I have been dating for the longest out of all my relationships... but I guess I can't really count the summer so maybe it's more even. I feel like I can't even count this school year, sometimes she just doesn't even act like she's my girlfriend. It's like she never wants me. She never wants to be with me. She never makes the exception for me. It's so gay that we have to be back by midnight because of HER rules. It's so gay that we can't make out because SHE thinks it's wrong. It's so gay that I can never do anything fun because KYLIE hates doing anything I want. Why can't she ever just want me? Kylie doesn't even make out with me... lol THAT STUPID FUCKING AZN COUPLE IN THE LOUNGE. I can't believe I'm jealous... of them. At least he gets some from his girlfriend. Why couldn't I have stuck with another girl? An easier one to make happy? An easier one to please? One that would let me do things? One that would let me have fun and come with me? One that doesn't go to bed early every night?

Sometimes... I wish I was still with Whitney. Sometimes... I wish I was still with Emily, as crazy as that sounds. Sometimes I wish I was single. Even, sometimes I wish I had tried out some of the girls that I couldn't see myself being with. At least it would have been fun for a little while. It's not like it would matter in the long run, not like I talk to any of them anymore. Not like I'm friends with any of them anymore. I feel like I have two completely separate lives. Bothell life. Hawaii life. A few small elements are in both, but otherwise completely separate.

Bothell = Whitney. Hawaii = Kylie.

I think that's how I feel. That might just be it.

I guess I can see why I love both of them, but I can also see why I'm not with Whitney and why I'm having doubts about Kylie.

I used to be so sure about Whitney, so positive that I was gonna get married to her. That got all shattered and I swept up the broken pieces and stuck them under the rug. After a whole bunch of messes Kylie comes along and now I feel like the hammer is on the way down to shatter this mirror too. I'm a PRE-MI! I'm 19. Champ when you gonna go on your mission? Champ go serve a mission. I hate that. That pisses the hell out of me. Shut up already, maybe I don't want to go on one. Ya know there's some sweet and awesome people out there, who know that I may not be sure about things in my life. Bishop Gold, Bishop Kimball man they're the best. They just let me know that either way they love me, either way they support me, either way they won't judge me. Man those two I can't see how anyone could possibly doubt their love.

Kylie on the other hand... I don't think she accepts me. I don't think she will love me the same if I don't go on a mission. I don't think she will support me. I don't think she will remain unbiased. On top of that, her parents, family, and friends won't take me. I know she won't be able to handle that. She's weak. She's a pushover. Just like... all the other girls... She would never be with me... against her parent's wishes. Why do I always pick the wrong girls? Why can't I just suck it up and go on a mission? Why can't I just suck it up, graduate school and go inactive? Why can't I just do something right? Why do I have to feel like this? Why do I hate myself?

When I look back, are there things I wish I could change? Oh yeah. Nearly every single minute. I wish someone would just understand me completely. I wish someone would just love me completely. I wish someone would just accept me completely. I wish I could just do what everyone wants of me. You know what though? I can't sometimes. I wish people would just understand that. Sometimes I feel like, oh you haven't gone on a mission? Get out of here, we don't want you in our church anymore. All I can say is I've lived a better life than most of the members that have been members their whole lives. I'm a good person. Why do I have to feel like crap? Horrible, horrible people go on missions, and they get away with it. I choose to not go on a mission and I definitely get more heat and flak than them. That's ridiculous. Rapists are able to go on missions and be praised? While I'm here living my life as good as I've always lived it without knowing the gospel and I get screwed up the butt? Thanks a lot world. Thanks a lot God. Thanks a lot everyone.

Eff my life. Eff school. Eff church. Eff my friends. Eff girls. Eff everything. I don't care anymore. Screw life. Screw being successful. Screw making a name for myself. Screw living up to my dreams. Screw it all. I just want to get by without feeling like shit all the time. I just want to live a mediocre life and be a grain of sand in the population of the world. Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so, so why can't I achieve that?

~Champ

Twilight

2010-07-01T00:49:00.000-07:00

Twilight torments my life. Whenever they come out they always remind me of my life at that time.

I hate girls. As always. Man everything was so good. And now it just seems like it all sucks. Haha.

Don't even know how to explain it. Like Tasha said, it's like I never left. Literally. Same old drama. Same old stuff. Same same same. Life sucks! Oh well... haha.

24th Day

2010-02-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

So I just recently saw that movie Julie and Julia, I think there should be a new movie made. Of my life, Jenna and Julia. lol Freaking ridiculous these girls. The weather here just got horrible, coldest rain ever. Hard too. I kissed Kylie in it :) Which was nice... but the weather fits my mood haha. Anyways, I write more about this later, I'm supposed to be doing homework I guess. And Kylie sitting right next to me, hopefully she doesn't notice and get mad at me lol Hm this moment kind of reminds me of... haha. Never mind. My life.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

10th Day

2010-01-19T04:42:00.000-08:00

Restarting the calendar haha. Maybe that will motivate me to restart?

Recap of the past long time...

J-Phase. Completely done.
K-Phase. Completely done.

Kylie :) :) :)

Liza :) As always haha.

Hmmmm the others... well. Seeing as how one's recent it's still hard. But the others are all the same. None of them talk to me, which is for the better I suppose. They're all the same, all hypocrites and all ridiculous in the way they act. Except... Emika and Julia. I suppose I have to take the blame for those two, actually Emika was just... I dunno how to explain. Unfortunate timing? Julia was just my dumb choices. I mean worst possible choice right? Jenna's roommate? Who apparently looks like Kylie? Oh Champ... how stupid. And really I had to be number 1? Awesome. Only in my life would all these coincidences line up. Anyways Jenna1 being so stupid haha, I should just tell Julia what's up. Sick and tired of this crap, I'm always the bad guy. Oddly enough Jenna2, easiest thing ever. She got her a boy, she got off my case, and honestly I can say I enjoy being around her and have no negative feelings towards her. Jenna1 and Dani, so buddy buddy now haha. Erek loves Kylie, lolol. Bryan's girlfriend is Kylie. New RA is Kylie. Haha. Ali2 hates me. Ali1 has problems with Sam, and her Mom has problems with Sam. Woohoo. Ali1 asked me about Kylie... Brenna liked my relationship status? lolol. Her mom liked it too? lolol. Oh geez. If only people knew me...

Emily1 - I feel like I'm closer with now than before because she talks to me about things now.
Emily2 - Same as always, stupid. Never follows through with what she says. Yada yada, Old news.
Emily3 - Ditto with Emily2, but I don't really hate her anymore to be honest. Stupid Chris and Matt called stupid Sara and had her call my phone though. So I talked to both of them today... weird.
Sara - lol I honestly don't hate her anymore either. Actually I think she's got the least negative vibe from me out of the three.
Stephanie - This girl... haha. Plays the game so well. Best friends with Sara, till Sara's gone. Got played... like I called it... lol
DJ - This guy that was the one I liked the most throughout all of it I'm beginning to hate more and more. He's so against me in everything haha. He's such a prick to me, honestly some of the things he says are so retarded. NO! YOU ANTAGONIZE MARCO CAUSE YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY! No I don't. YES YOU DO! Oh ok yeah I do. Lol calling me temperamental? Yeah ok cause I get a DVD case thrown at my face by stupid Charlene cause I was making fun of Gwen? Cause I dislike people that lie to me? Cause I dislike people who play me? Haha ok DJ. He was really cool when I first knew him, now he thinks he's so cool and all that. It's alright he is, he's the best.
Jonny - The guy I disliked the most is now my favorite haha. Him and Gwen are pretty annoying sometimes, but hey whatever I play along with them and it's all good in the end.
Jenna1 - What a horrible misjudgment of character. Turned out to be exactly the rest, sure she's a good person... I guess. But what a horrible friend to me. Oh well, guess I'm used to that.
Jenna2 - No qualms. She's a bit overaggressive at first but... now that she's not, she's likable!
Ali - Sam? Champ? lol Hopefully she gets that squared away eh? I mean... awward. Haha. She's gonna marry this guy I guess. Good luck with that Ali... I see key components of a marriage missing, communication? (lol) But hey have faith... right? Haha.
Ali2 - Ok I did one thing to piss her off. But really? She's so gay. She hates my guts. And is such a jerk to me. Honestly? Hate me. Whatever I don't mind. But don't be rude about it.
Dani - Dang actually I guess I feel bad for her? She's been screwed over a lot? But really it's not my fault...? Besides the fact that I let a game get a little out of hand? How am I supposed to know she liked me? I didn't even know it was her roommate. So retarded. She's boy crazy anyhow. Good thing her and Jenna1 are best friends now
Emika - What am I supposed to say? She's a great girl. She would have been the right choice back then... But after Emily3 I guess she didn't want to deal with it anymore? I don't blame her... I am a pretty risky choice haha.
Hannah - Oh man. Haha new name finally? Yay Champ! She was awesome. To be totally honest, I thought I was gonna go after her when I first met Kylie and her officially in the basketball game. She was great... for 4 days. Then she hated me. Now she hates Jamison. Pretty similar reasons I think, I think she's insecure. So she gives Julia the reason of me being a pressuring person? She gives Kylie the reasoning that I'm annoying? Yeah pretty sure I've been the same I've always been. So she yells at me at work all the time? Blahblahblah. Whatever. Over that.
Julia - How I regret this. Screwed things up real bad. For an awesome girl too. There's completely nothing wrong with her... I get mad sometimes the way she talks to me and how she gets mad at me but then I remember... I completely deserve all of it. I wish she would stop thinking I ignore her or dislike her or don't like her as much as... I dunno other people? And I wish we would still talk, she's good to talk to and I like hearing about her life. But I guess I ruined that. Good job Champ.
Jerald - Such a prick now. That's pretty much it. So annoying.
Jamison - Is kind of a douche to me too honestly. He hides it, under his joking and boisterous behavior. Whatever, I ended up getting a good roommate and kept my room.
Matt - Fun guy and like hanging out with him most of the time but he gets annoying too... It's good to have someone to reminisce with though haha.
Chris - He's pretty cool but he's kind of douchey to me with Jamison too. Him and Kaitlyn are fighting... hm. When it's Chris and I hanging out or Chris and I and Matt it's pretty chill though. I guess people really affect other people around me? Haha.
Charlene - Sucks when you aint got friends huh? Haha. Sucks when Pono your cry-about-how-Champ-is-so-mean guy is gone. Sucks when Erek has his own problems now and doesn't have time to listen to you huh? So sad, now you're being... nice. Aw so cute. So sweet. Sooooo late. Sooooo little. Haha. Suck it.
Helen - Don't know what to say. She tries I suppose... But what's her deal? I don't do anything right ever apparently. What am I supposed to do? Really? Like what do you want from me, just tell me, wouldn't that make it so much easier? I've told you what I want. You're the one who keeps flip-flopping around changing your mind and whatever.
Lauren - Good ol' Lauren. Still annoying, still haven't had a chance to forgive and talk to her yet. lol Oh well.
Erek - So sad. Too late. Irony? Yes. Me care? Not. You had your chance, go ahead and try now. It's all Kylie's choice haha. I guess it sucks when the guy you hate wins the girl you love huh? Maybe he wouldn't hate me so much if he actually knew me huh? But nope now it's never going to happen because I stole his girl so he'll always hold this grudge.
Whitney - Dunno bout her. We talk. If I'm the one she still talks to the most she's screwed. We don't have real conversations anymore. Just filler.
Morgan1 - Still the same old her, "Too good for everyone else "blahblah"
Morgan2 - Whatever happened to her? She was a good girl... She was pretty cool too. She probably doesn't have her virginity anymore though lol And she probably drinks more than when I was with her... and smokes. What a lost girl...
Brenna - Liked my relationship status today haha. And her mom? Weird. Ken. Hm. Anyways, her and Morgan1 go well together.

DANG! That's a lot of negatives... Yet I feel so happy? Good? Content with my life?

Liza - If she moves to Provo I'm screwed. She's my lifeline. She is who I go to. She's the first person in my life I go straight to. She's awesome. Iluhu.
Katie - After all these years... still my best friend :) I love her.
Kylie - I dunno about this girl. She's definitely a keeper. She passed the Liza test... She passed my tests. She is amazing in like every way possible... she's cute in like every way possible... one downfall. I barely know her to be brutally honest. I just have this... feeling about her. She gives me these awesome feelings. She's not gonna screw me over. She's gonna be good for me. She already has been. She's made me feel better, feel better about myself, feel happy. Genuinely happy again. Being with her, thinking about her, talking with her. Everything. I've told her all my flaws. All my stories. All this. She still likes me. She still talks to me. She is still with me. What more could I ask for? She's too good for me. Too perfect. I'm gonna mess up somewhere, that's gonna be the real test huh? Anyways... :)

This was supposed to be short. Seeing as how I have class in a few hours... haha. Good job Champ! Anyways there's my complaints again. Life's good.

I made flushy toilet contraption with Chris to make our showers hot haha. Pounded at Pounders today. Cut my toes stubbing and clipping them. Fixed Kaitlyn and Chris, hopefully. Talked to buttloads of people, randomly all talk to me today. TDD comes up in 10 days with Draper fam? Anyways... pretty chill day. But pretty awesome nonetheless. Yay MLK day haha.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day ?? Christmas

2009-12-26T03:58:00.000-08:00

Dang how many days has it been since I've been in Laie?

So Christmas day, started off badly. Well not really, just how I took it I suppose. It ended up alright, really good even. I realize, I DO invest too much of myself in people, and people I don't know well at that. I think yesterday went not well for me because I relied on Hannah too much for my happiness. Maybe today that was Julia though? lol Good job Champ. Anyways went to Brother Wasdens house with Julia, played some chess, ate some food, watched some movies, that was pretty good. He's a great teacher, and his family is cute. Afterwards Julia and I went to her lounge and chilled and watched tv, she's great lol. Always massages me :) We decided we were going to watch Sherlock Holmes instead of Avatar, looks like the world is against me seeing that movie haha. I was glad again though, Sherlock Holmes was great. After that we went home, she was super tired lol Here I am... Spent Christmas Eve and Christmas alone pretty much. But then again, how is that really different? I spend Christmas with Katie's fam, not mine. I spend Thanksgiving with... lots of random people over, over the past few years. It definitely did not feel like Christmas though.

Hopefully New Years will turn out great? Maybe Hannah will pull out of her "lazyness." I don't like her this way... but again, I shouldn't be forming any opinions. I've known her a week. Maybe this is how she normally is. At least I think Julia likes me better again, she was kind of acting like how Hannah is right now... Weird.

Hannah knows Christina... lol. My life.

Terra messaged me today... Ryosuke was at her house. lol. My life.

Kylie, Jenna, and Julia are in my Book of Mormon class next semester. lol. My life.

Kylie... has the same name as Kylie, from back home. Bryan's Kylie. lol. My life.

J-Phase? K-phase? Haha.

I don't think L will be a good phase, first name that comes to mind is... Lauren.

Hopefully, no more phases. Hopefully, no more stupid girls. Hopefully, this time I don't mess up. It feels so good, so right this time. I guess I tell myself that every time though? I dunno though... Hanging By A Moment was just playing and it felt so... fitting. 1 day is all it took, less even. 1 week later, not even, and I'm just so crazy. She told me "absence makes the heart fonder." I wouldn't completely say that's true, maybe for those other girls towards me, sure. Even, hopefully, serves them right. But for me, absence from these other girls... has been bliss. The girls I like, the girls that like me, the girls that were mutual, absence solved it all. I wish I could pick who came back after break. There's just some people I didn't miss at all, some people I am happy I don't have to see or deal with daily right now. Life's great, I've got great managers, great people left behind, (even if they sleep like grandmas) and an awesome life to be honest. I should complain less.

lol funniest thing happened the other day. I was changing and Marco left, I was in his way and he had mouthwash in so he said "excuse me" with a closed mouth, and it sounded happy. After he walked by he said "thank you" in the same tone. I was like uh... ok weird. After he spit, he went out the unit door to leave, looked over at me, paused for a moment, and said "Merry Christmas Champ." I was kind of shocked and said it back, I think he misses me. lol So funny. I never sleep when he does anymore, I even brought my mattress into the lounge so I can watch TV and sleep. Or I sleep in Chris' bed. Or if I sleep in my room, he's already asleep and I wake up before him to go to work. I think he doesn't think he can transfer rooms anymore or something so he's trying to be nice to me? Who knows.

So another funny thing, I walk into Chris' room and the big picture of him and Kaitlyn is on his bed, I was like eh? So I put it back up, I'm sitting here on my computer, and suddenly it falls on my face. Weird. Haha.

lol I asked Jamison for his ring on Wednesday night. I called him and had him on speaker phone and Hannah was dying and biting her own hand to keep from laughing. I love that guy. When he gets back on the 4th Ima see if he really will give me his ring I think.

Audrey is such a sweet girl :) I hope she tells me more about this dude... So I can help take care of her, she's pretty much always there for everyone. She deserves someone to do the same for her.

So I'm gonna try to wake up in 4 hours to help Julia get up so she can shut of the alarms in her Hale... Fat chance. lol 5 days till New Years, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Hopefully Hannah is cool with me again, she's super fun to hang out with. Hopefully Julia or her will come to church with me. I don't wanna sit alone lol Actually I won't even mind that much I guess.

I hope Kylie gets Skype and a webcam soon. I love Katie, she da best. Audrey's awesome. Chris needs to get back so I can have someone always here to bother, and he better bring back a gaming system. I held up my end of the bargain by getting TVs and even got the repair crew in. lol Lizaaaa I need her back :(

9 days till everyone gets back. Still nervous.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day ??

2009-12-24T04:35:00.000-08:00

12/21 Best day ever
12/22 Even better
12/23 Better yet?

Haha. I dunno. Everything has just been freaking perfect. Even the bad things end up turning out well. I just don't know, I'm so happy. I love life. Julia can tell you how much I was freaking out haha.

I might be getting myself into a little bit a of trouble where I'm headed though haha. Messing with Jamison and bringing the ring into it, I guess that's not really the problem though huh? I'm a bit fickle, and impatient. I guess they're right when they say exclusive time together promotes attraction.

Whatever dude. It's gonna work out well, it will work out for the best in the end.

This break is exactly what I needed. I work again. Love it. 2 jobs at that, 40 hours a week even. Ah. I love it. Love the people I work with, love the job, love the thought of making money. Maybe I'll get enough money to date every girl and find my eternal companion ;)

Haha speaking of those, Hannah and I went on one. Plan was to get there, 10 dollar dinner, 10 dollar movie. The 10 dollar date lol. Then put a ring on it, hold hands, and tell Jamison. Unfortunately, we arrived a bit late, girls take forevvveeerrrrr. 2012... was awesome, and horrible, ridiculous I guess. Plan also was to see Avatar, but we're gonna watch that tomorrow with Agie. I'm so glad we saw this instead, the movie just... fit. Another example of something unplanned that worked out for the best, like when I hit my head, when I got my shampoo and stuff jacked. Dang I love this :) Hannah's board broke man... suck. And after opening up lots of peoples rooms, no tools. More suck. Luckily.... she can use Trisha's board!

So Kylie, can't wait till she gets back. Her, Hannah and I's first night meeting-each-other-adventure was freaking amazing. All around Laie, ice cream, the point, random tunnels, beach. It was great, then the next night walking for hours on Kam Highway past all the stupid stinky ranches haha. Then just laying on the fat uncomfortable rock at Temple Beach. She's great. Her hair is PURPLE! Albeit, dark, dark purple... but nonetheless PURPLE! Dang dude, she better get Skype soon... Imagocrazy.

Basically, this break was the best thing that's happened to me all year. Reminds me of who I was before... Emily 1 and 2. Jenna 1 and 2. The J-Phase. The roommate phase. The best friend phase. I remember how it was to be genuine, to truthfully and deeply care, to feel loved.

I can't believe people are sending me junk. Ugh. I gotta find my mail key, and I hate that people sent me stuff even though I told them not to. I got nothing for no one. Ah... And Katie, lol... She found out my address and sent me some food item. Great. I love her.

4 days of break. 4 days of awesome. 4 days of love. 4 best days ever.

Liza's the best friend ever. I miss her. Katie's more than I could ask for in any friend, I wish I was better to her. Maintenance co-workers are freaking sweet. Jacob is one of then nicest/coolest guys ever, even though he's married! What! Hannah Cash, she da best. I'm engaged to her, well not yet technically haha. Kylie Soelberg, dang girl. What happened? lol

I'm kind of apprehensive as to how things are going to turn out when break ends and everyone gets back. It's nice being RA and access to everyone's rooms. It's nice to have an empty campus with only what seems like good people left. It's nice to work. What happens when everyone sees how much I've changed while they've been gone?

Kylie just seems to be perfect in every way lol She made me realize a lot of things, mostly made me realize about myself. And Hannah too though, I love every minute of work with her. Geez where have all these amazing people been all my life? Well... at least, where have they been all school year? Hannah and Kylie are both in 3rd ward! And I've been to their EXS 177 class. How the freak did it take me nearly 4 months to meet them?! So ridiculous.

Well no matter my apprehensions, everyone gets back like the 4th. Meaning Liza and Kylie. :) Liza approves of Kylie and my approach this time haha. I also approve, it brings me back to myself, awkward, clueless, and outward.

Plans. Hike at 7am? Doubt it. RA 9-11? Most likely. 11-4? Lunch, ACE with Hannah to fix her board. 4-whenevs, Bishops house for party time?! Or is it Elder and Sister Thompson? Haha. Dunno. Sometime in there Julia supposed to join us?! Also seeing Avatar? Dunno.

Christmas Day... no work. Brother Wasden's house?! Beach?! WHO KNOWS! Spontaneous. Let's do it.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day ??

2009-12-15T03:53:00.000-08:00

Again I come back. This time to ask a question.

Does no girl take me seriously? Does no girl have enough to face me in person? Does no girl have the will to fix things? Does no girl have a sense of some sort of decency?

Why does every girl figure texting me is enough to fix any problem, and when it doesn't work going to sleep and waking up the next morning will make it go away? Why do I care so much? Why does it matter so much to me? Why do I pick them so well? Haha. Eff my life. Really now Champ? Let's tally up the Hawaii list. What is it now... 8? That's only the one's that have become a problem huh? Lol I have lots of potential disasters waiting to happen. I hate girls. I hate Mormon girls. I hate the girls here. Girls suck. Girls at BYUH suck hard.

It's like they don't know... how to think. It's like they purposely try to eff up their lives, my life, someone elses life? It's like they don't care. It's like they live in their own little dream world.

Or.

It's me.... It's me. Haha. I can't just cross every girl off in the whole damn world just to find out the final answer was me. So what do I do? How do I change myself? What do I change? Go on a mission? Get a girlfriend? Date around? Go gay? Haha. All of these options seem better than the situation I'm in now.

How can everything be so different and then end up so... same. Jenna and I are fighting about what Emily and I fought about. I need to stop. I need to stop caring. I need to get over it. I need to quit being who I am. I need to listen to the advice I take and give out.

I think I'm gonna forgive Lauren tomorrow. Try to anyhow. She;s tried harder than anyone as of yet. She... facebook IMed me. Woooo.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day ??

2009-12-07T05:08:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time. I feel like I definitely should start this up again, maybe tomorrow.

Funny how things turn out though. Haha. I love my life. At least I know, it's unique. No one else can possibly be going through this haha. Or anything close to it, quite ridiculous. And yet, all my own fault. People think they know, people honestly do, and all I can do is laugh.

Oh Liza... "Why do all your girl friends end up crushing on you?"

:) It would do me a lot of good to find the answer to that question huh? Geez. Anyways, just felt a strong urge to blog for a bit.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 52

2009-11-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

A rushed, and full, and late started Friday. The day of Fall Ball, an amazing night. Nough said.

So my marketing and economics was classes were canceled due to the Great Ideas Exchange. Which reminds me that I have to do my write up for that soon. Like today. Anyways, Fall Ball bus left at 5:30. And I woke up at like 10:30. So I got ready real quick, went to the Great Ideas thing that I was supposed to go to for marketing. I tried to sit by Jenna but didn't get a chance to, Matt and I sat with each other. The speaker didn't really talk much about marketing or anything, definitely more of the spiritual side. I took a few haphazard notes but mostly was doing my Astronomy homework that had been due 2 weeks ago but hadn't turned in because I had done next weeks homework and turned that in by accident. Our 1 hour thing was over and Jenna left, but I hadn't finished my homework yet so I stayed for like 20 more minutes and was like half an hour late to Astronomy but I turned it in, no big. After class Ryosuke and I went to eat, Jenna was right behind us when we were walking to the cafe and we were conveniently talking about her on the way there haha. So we all ate together, that was pretty fun. After lunch I started to realize I was kind effed schedule-wise, waking up so late I screwed myself. It was now nearly 1PM, I had to be ready to go by 5:30PM, I had to take my Astronomy test, and super long psych test, well mid-terms. Balls. So right after we got out I went to take my Astronomy test which took all of 10 minutes haha. I got like 88% or something, which was alright I guess. Pretty good according to everyone else haha. I saw some girl in my psych class sitting outside the testing center when I came out, and chatted with her a bit about the test, since she had already taken it. It was one of those older girls that didn't like me very much I thought but she was nice to me at that time, but didn't really give me any clues for the test. I got home around 1:30? I realized holy crap, I gotta iron my clothes! So I did that, and that took forever, and my room was so hot after I did it... Geez. I swear I refuse to ever iron clothes ever again. It was like 2:30, Brother Stratton said we needed to allow 2-3 hours for this test. Uh oh. I procrastinated a bit more, and somehow it was 3:30 and all I had done was went through all the essay questions and answers them and then went through and skimmed the slideshows. I memorized a few things and went down ot the testing center and got my game on. The test took me barely more than an hour to take, I got 69% on my multiple choice, ouch. I found out today he curved it by 14% though which puts me at a B- which is all good, cause I think I probably got like 100% or something like that on the essays. I got back to my room a little before 5, maybe quarter till and Marco was there and we kind of got ready together, cute I know haha. He was gonna wear a black shirt underneath his white shirt! Stupid! I made him take it off and put on a white shirt, he said it didn't matter, but it did. lol Then that shiny black tie I picked out for him he decided he wasn't gonna wear and was wearing his pink church tie instead. STUPID! I called Chris over for an executive decision, and he went with me so Marco wore the black one. Chris was called over many times actually, a few times to help make decisions again, and once to help me lint roll my suit jacket haha. Too bad he wasn't going to Fall Ball, he's a fun kid. Marco and I finally got ready at like 5:15, he left I stayed for a few minutes doing a few last minute checks. Seeing if I should bring camera, putting a few pieces of gum in my pocket, etc. Marco almost forgot his tickets haha, him and I took a quick picture of us on the way out the door, it's the only one with us 2 in it, sad. I'll post it up later. At like 5:20 I left, walked quickly to the library to get Jenna a baby flower, and walked back to her dorm and waited for her in her lounge, of course she went out the other way haha. I walked out as she was walking back in to come get me, and she looked... amazing. Her dress, her hair, her. All of it. And on top of that? We matched perfectly. Double score, she threw all her stuff at me and I traded her the flower haha. Obviously we were running a bit late so we were kind of rushing, she took of her heels and we semi-trotted over to the buses, luckily we were on time and the buses were running a few moments late. We got on bus 3, went all the way to the back, and by the time the bus filled we realized our bus was all aZn kids we didn't know + 2 white girls we didn't know. The bus ride there started out normal, we talked, did some cutesy stuff, kissed a bit. It was a lot better than normal, she didn't know anyone on the bus and was completely fine with it. So we were like the kids who sit in the back of the bus and make out haha. We passed through the tunnel and things got a bit intense from then on haha. It was nice. We got to the hotel finally, too soon in my opinion though, I would have been ok with riding the bus around with her all night! Haha. Once we got there she wanted to take a picture outside of the hotel, but we decided we could just take one on the way out and went into the lobby. This hotel was pretty great, luxurious, expensive, and glamorous. I would love to have gotten a room and spent the night with her there, it would have been paradise with a beautiful woman by my side, what more can a guy ask for?

OK 4AM. I continue this blog later, just so I can remember... Saturday Haleiwa, Sunday Church and fireside and Liza. K done.

So much for blogging... I got distracted again. Here's more self, mental notes. Monday everyone ditched me, spent the day with Jerald, FHE. Tuesday, Marco got pissy at me, lazy day, Statistics, Volleyball, econ. Wednesday, Charlene flipped a beezy on me, Steph and Sara combined I would call it. Capture the flag, taco bell, almost ate a gecko. Ice cream, funny skit thing.

Again missed out on blogging... some more mental notes... Thursday not sure what I did to be honest, Foodland? Taco Bell? Maybe... Friday we watched Land of the Lost with a bunch of people, and Jenna and I got into a little fight I guess. Basketball game. Liza, Charlene and I tried to watch a movie, I slept. Saturday, woke up at like 2 nearly, did my laundry, Jenna and I sort of talked for a little while... not really. Went back to put my stuff in the dryer, someone had already moved it... ugh. Stayed home while they went to get ice cream, hung out with Chris, went to dinner, they left, we went to the girls basketball game, went to Foodland, went to the guy's game, got lots of free ice cream, went to pounders, came back, Jenna and I walked back together, I tried to play Monopoly with Charlene and Liza but some stupid lady tripped the alarm, so now I'm back. And I have a talk to give tomorrow. Ugh. K I'll blog... later. I guess.. >_>

Day 51

2009-11-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

Thursday... An overall good day, nothing exciting. Didn't do anything fun. I had gotten home at 3 something that morning and went to be like 4 something so I was sol on getting up for breakfast haha

Jerald walked by and woke me up and I told him I was tired and was gonna skip, then Liza called me and I told her the same thing haha. Good thing she's my favorite, she does lots of stuff for me and I kind of take it for granted. Liza if you're reading this, Champ luh yous so much! :) If not, oh well. Haha. I went to bed again, Marco was asleep too he had skipped class lol I woke up for some reason that I forget, something about my phone I think. Marco had left and came back from lunch I think. It was nearly noon when I finally woke up, I was thinking about skipped statistics again but Braden texted me and told me to go to class lol So I got there like 20 minutes late since I showered and stuff. I went to class and was gonna go eat lunch with Braden but he had already eaten! What a jerk lol Well I went there expecting to eat by myself, but Pono and Jerald and friends were there, nice. Not so nice? Lauren sat in front of me... she bothers me so much. She is so fake. She's so... stuck up. She thinks she's better than everyone. Luckily on the way home, Jerald and I talked about her, we hate her equally. Sweet! Haha. We separated and I went to Liza's lounge to meet up with her. Her and Matt were there and we kind of chilled for a while, a lot of people came out and after Liza and Matt left, Matt went to fish and Liza to class, I stayed. I finally found out that girls name that is really nice to me haha... I had known it all along, Jasmine. Duh stupid Champ. Well her Penelope and a bunch of people were there. I ended up falling asleep for forever, I drooled all over the cushion! lol That was gross, but super funny haha. I had been trying to do my Book of Mormon mid-term which was taking me years to do... I wish I had just let Jasmine give me all the answers, that test was a beezy. I stayed long enough to where Liza had already come back from class so she came down to hang out with me I guess. I was watching BYU vs TCU volleyball with Jasmine, holy crap they are way better than our team. Like our team is crap compared to them, both of their teams looked amazing, physically and sportswise, Haha, they were way cute no lie. And the way they played made it look so flowing, fast, and it looked like they were flying, there was constant action. It was crazy. Anyhow, 6:30 rolled around and Jenna wanted me to come to dinner, I couldn't just leave Liza since she didn't leave me to eat with Sasosi. Then again Charlene was blow drying her hair, we didn't end up leaving till 7ish. On the way to the cafe I saw Jenna for the first time today, the only time, well her room window doesn't count. Sad :( Anyways, went to dinner, Sara, Emily, and Stephanie were there, fate is turning in my favor it seems though, again they left before I sat down! We sat and ate for a little while, the food wasn't all that good, Whitney talked to me, did the 11:11 thing and then we stopped. lol We left dinner, and went to my dorm so I could finally do my laundry. I stole Marco's basket, and Matt gave me his card, sweet. I washed everything except my sheets, and everything ended up working out perfectly! Perfectly clean, perfectly dry. So happy! Ha. I had Liza pick out my shirt and tie, and they were the exact ones I was thinking, perfect! In the time we were in the lounge, Liza practically took half my Book of Mormon test for me, Songh came down with me to take it. Every computer was taken trying to take that stupid test. Matt came down with butt loads of food, we pigged out. Oh random thing, I found out the RAs look at the entrance security cameras, and Jake had remembered me as the guy who came in at 4am... lol Creepy. Anyways we were there for a couple hours, then 11PM rolled around... Things got interesting, this girl Mindy was reaching down to unplug her laptop... and pressed the power switch on the power strip.... she shut off all the computers. Holy crap. Wow. The guys had been working on their tests for the past 2+ hours and all of it was gone, they hadn't saved it. lol Wowwww. They got effed so bad. It was freaking hilarious, they were like crying. I ended up not finishing really, I bsed the last like 8 questions, I was sick of that stupid test, and so was everyone else apparently. I finally finished at like 11:50. Charlene, Matt, Liza, and I hung out afterwards till ike 1something. We didn't do anything at all, we just wandered around and explored the elementary. We saw lots of snails lol we hung out on the playgrounds, played on the jungle gyms, didn't do much. I climbed on walls and jumped off of them, and otherwise did ninja stuff haha. I came back, chilled in my unit lounge for a bit, ate some chips, played games, then came in my room, wrote that last blog, and now this one... and here I am...

Jenna... did her hair, is having her nails done by Liza, and is otherwise doing lots to get ready for Fall Ball. I asked her honestly if she still really wanted to go because it was such a difficulty, for Scott anyways. I think... she truly does want to go with me, hopefully she's not just saying that. I feel so... bad. I wanted to hang out with her today and have fun with her, but instead she stayed home, I dunno if she did anything fun or not but her boyfriend had yelled at her all night apparently. Ugh... this guy seems a lot like... Ali's boyfriend. Honestly, they seem great from how they describe them to me at first. As time goes by though, and the daily stuff happens, I kind of change my opinion. They end up having lots of qualities I would find undesirable in a girlfriend. I know like when you love someone, you accept their flaws and whatever but the thing is... When I have a girlfriend, she's perfect. She's perfect because of those... "imperfections or flaws" whatever you want to call them, perfect because of not perfect in spite of. There's such a huge difference for me, both of them seem like angry people who aren't truly there for their girlfriends. I'm making a huge assumption right now, but why are they being so defensive and overprotective unless they have personal experience? I know I'm accusing two complete strangers I don't know but... hey this is my blog, these are my thoughts and opinions, and this is how I see it. Both boyfriends are too controlling and place the blame in the wrong places. Neither of them seem to care as much as they should... Maybe that's just my standards though... who knows.

Liza aw man. She's great! lol I dunno what it is, her advice could come from someone else and I probably wouldn't think it's as good. Maybe it's the way she presents it to me. Liza told me exactly what I was secretly thinking deep down inside... Maybe that's why, I like that someone has the same views and opinions as me. I'm kind of afraid to put these thoughts here since they... are... kind of personal to me and to people who could be reading this, so this is the first case where I'm just gonna leave out a major part, at least until I have time to think about whether or not I should write it down.

Helen, I guess she really did just dump me, as a friend. lol Well it sucks that I trusted her so much, only to be disappointed yet again. Trust is such a funny word for me... My definition is so different from others, I guess I'm just really different from others period though.I dunno what to say really. Not surprised because it's already happened before from someone I consider my best friend, don't blame her because I put a lot of stress in her life I guess. Well it was nice being friends with her I guess, too bad she was gay and did it over facebook message. Sonia did it over myspace message. Whitney did it over MSN. Emily did it over texts. Mhm don't you just love technology? No need for social interaction, no need to feel emotionally attached to a conversation you are having. Gotta dump someone? Hungry? Easy fix, break up with them on MSN. Use one hand to type, and the other to eat. You satisfy your stomach while at the same time, crushing someone's life. Love it, killing two birds with one stone? Multi-tasking at it's best.

OH random by the way, I had deja vu really bad today. It was in the kitchen side of my lounge. I had a dream a few years back, I finally realized that, that part of my lounge was where my dream was located, I had been copying/helping this guy with his Book of Mormon test, and Songh was copying off me because his got deleted. Funny thing is... this dream happened long before I ever knew a thing about Mormons. This dream put me in BYUH, in Hale 4, in the Kitchen Lounge, all before I knew what BYU was, long before I knew what a missionary was, long before I was baptized. So crazy... Dreams mean a lot to me, just like I hope Jenna's does to her. I hope her and I get to talk soon, to put everything out in the open. I hate all this lieing, all this sneaking around, all the hurt and guilt she has to feel because of this... and maybe... most of all... I hate hiding my feelings. I really, really like this girl. And I can't show it, it would be ok if she didn't like me back, or if she told me she couldn't like me back. At least I could stop hiding myself, I hate that. Honestly if I were her, I wouldn't pick me, I know myself. I'm unpredictable, why waste a relationship that's gone on for over a year and a half for me? I've had a relationship last me 6 months. I'm crazy. I don't know what I want, I have no goals in life, I have nothing going for me. I'm the riskiest bet any girl could ever take in my opinion. I could be the jerkiest jerk one moment, to the most chivalrous charming fellow the next. As I explained to Ali the night before, I AM the extremes. I am BOTH of the extremes. I am NOT in the middle of anything, I am not on extremely one way or the other, I am at both the ends of everything. My whole life is a contradiction, full of the worst/best coincidences, full of things that never should have happened, full of mistakes. I don't know what to think anymore... I've never been so close to giving up on people entirely, but I also feel like I've never been so close to being on the verge of getting to be close to so many people on a deeper level than before. It's so weird... Story of my life I suppose...

Last Friday, I'll write something later today I promise. It'll be short... but I'll put something.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 50

2009-11-05T05:29:00.001-08:00

3:30 AM, I'm bushed. Yesterday was a good day I suppose, weird though. I think I'll write about it tomorrow though. This constant rain or something is making me so tired dunno. Lots of things happened yesterday... hopefully I remember them all. Sorry Jenna, it won't be ready for you to read when you wake up lol

Alright let's see how much of yesterday I can remember...
Wednesday. My mass class day. I made it to class on time for once! Again we didn't need our clickers, in class I played with Capsim a bunch, I got my highest scores yet. 330 or so stock price and like 90k net profit in round 8. Ownage. After class went to breakfast, Liza showed up and we ate for a while. After that I went to my room and just did nothing for a bit, luckily in self-defense we were watching a movie again so I did my Book of Mormon homework in that class. After that I went to Book of Mormon, and sat by Emika cause it was the only sit left. We kind of talked once in that class, other than that I fell asleep haha. Walked to Astronomy, knowing that I hadn't done my homework. I had done the wrong ones from the week before, gay. Anyways I talked to him and he said I could turn in my homework on Friday so that was good. After that I went to econ and this time Stephanie sat by me. Yay... We had a boringish lesson. After that I'm not sure what I did. Dang it's only been 2 days and I can't remember already? Well I went to eat dinner with Jenna and Julia I think, so somehow I ended up meeting with them? Anyways... Liza and Charlene were at the mall getting dresses. Most of the night passed by, we went to Hip Hop club at 9. Oh I remember now, I was taking the econ quiz with Jenna and we ended up sucking it up real bad, her score was worse than mine... I feel like that was my fault. Anyways right before dinner I went over to help her with it again. Anyways we ended up staying in her lounge for a bit after dinner, she did some studying I think. Or actually I think I went to the activity with Jerald for a bit first, we got some pizza, the activity was writing letters to missionaries. Well once I got to the lounge somehow Bart and friends were in the other room and they came over asking us to show us some dance moves ha. I yelled at Julia to hurry down with music so we could show them haha. But they ended up leaving before Julia got there, dang. Anyways we showed up to Hip Hop and it was... not that fun. There were more people and the stuff was harder and more... like specific skills rather than a specific dance. I dunno. Julia and Jenna left right when it ended, Jerald and I stayed a little while longer, kind of wishing I had left with them... I guess I kind of pissed Kristin off when I was asking if she had a date to Fall Ball, then Jerald and her got into a heated argument on the way back the Hales. It was pretty intense, apparently I was making this funny face during the whole thing and Jerald saw me when he turned around cause I was walking between him and his sister. He had to walk away to keep from laughing haha. Good to know I can always lighten the mood lol Hmmm what did I do after that? I think I went to my room, Jerald needed a bandage from me. Jenna and Liza and Ali all wanted to hang out I guess. But they were being super skitchy. Well Ali wasn't I kind of was blowing her off... Kind of jerkish, but I really wanted to hang out with Liza and/or Jenna. Actually I was kind of afraid that if I hung out with Ali alone something would happen, those fears weren't really justified though since we had hung out before alone without doing anything. I guess I was also afraid of what Jenna might think. Liza... not so much, she doesn't have a reason to not trust or believe me since I pretty much tell her everything, plus she has access here now lol Anyways, it was like nearly midnight and Ali was ready to go on a walk/hang out with me. I kept texting Jenna and Liza but they were being difficult... Like half an hour after midnight Jenna finally told me she couldn't do anything with me because Julia was getting suspicious. Urgh... she couldn't have said that like an hour ago? And Liza was just being difficult period... She kept saying she wanted to do stuff but I guess it ended up being cell phone problems, she told me today she hadn't gotten a few of my texts. Meh,,. whatever. I was kind of annoyed I guess, things seem to be going down the same path as before... I know... it's horrible to compare. But it kind of fits I guess. Jenna would be Emily, Julia would be Sara. Liza would be Stephanie, Charlene could be another Sara. Dani and Ali would be Emika... Matt would be DJ. lol At least in this case, I'm combining different groups of friends so I have a little safety net. If I screw things up... at least it doesn't screw me over with ALL my friends. I'll be able to at least turn to someone if I eff it all to pieces, hopefully. Anyways, I ended up just calling it and telling Ali I was gonna go on her walk with her. Jenna and Julia were out getting popcorn for a movie I guess, they also ended up being in their courtyard, McCall was passing by Ali and I and I asked her to say to Jenna for me since it would be kind of weird to show up I guess. I wish Jenna would just let me be nice... and polite lol It doesn't come often so I like to let it out when it does because I can't really save them up or anything. I wish she would let me help her physically, and emotionally. I honestly could have grabbed a quarter and a nickel off my dresser on the way out and given it to them, and I wish she would be less... evasive. It sort of reminds me of Emily, but Emily was just horrible at it. At least Jenna addresses the situation, or that there even is one, mostly. I guess I can't ask too much of a girl I've really only known for 2 weeks huh? I better stop pushing my luck with everyone to be honest, I ask too much of people I already know and half known for a long time. I can't be doing this with new people, it'll drive them away lol Anyways, I guess Jenna thought I was super cute for telling McCall to say hi to her, I was kind of wondering what she was thinking of Ali and I going out alone, but somehow she avoided that question/giving an answer that night. I think she may have been worried, I hope she was... At least that means she does care, and wants me for herself... She texted me sometime like twoish, Ali and I were having some pretty intense conversation though ha so I couldn't really talk much to her. She ended up going to sleep before I got back, cause when I dropped Ali off and I yelled up to the window I didn't get a response. So... Ali and I's walk. We started in the direction of off-campus and I asked her where we were going, she said she didn't know and wanted me to choose. Ha we argued about why she or I should pick for a while, I can't seem to get it through her head that I choose only when I deem it necessary. Otherwise I have someone else pick haha. Soooo I got her to pick, and she said she wanted to be either near the water or near the mountains, and we semi-fought all the way there, in a playful way of course. We got mad at each other for not bringing a towel lol Obviously we were going to the beach since the mountains were freaking far away. We ended up sitting on the grass patch at Temple where we did it the 2nd time... I was a bit sketchy at first since I had been bitten on the butt by something there, and it was super windy and cold, luckily since it had been raining all day I was wearing jeans, shoes, and a jacket, and it ended up raining a while later. We talked for like 3 hours straight... It ended up being mostly about Sam, then the conversation switched to me. I explained my situation with girls, I guess I mostly talked about my girlfriends and how complicated things were in my life. She's a funny girl... I ended up making her realize that Sam is the perfect guy, in her opinion that is. She complained about a lot of things, apparently she didn't place as much value on those qualities as I did. She described him as an angry person... He has a bunch of other problems too, but interesting thing... she had considered breaking up with Sam for me in the short time we had... our fling? I asked her how that was even possible if he was so perfect? She said that she was attracted to me for the same reasons she was attracted to Sam, I had experience in life. Hardships, so that when I said I understood her, I really did. So weird, I don't approve at all of this guy for many reasons, yet I remind her of him? lol I dunno how to take that... It was a good night though, no kissing, no attraction, we even physically fought once haha. It was really funny, head and armed her! She totally fought me for reals too, it was great haha Anyways my butt was hurting from sitting, she was getting cold. She wanted to move to the grass by the showers but I said it was time to go because she had class in the morning, she always skips class. What a ridiculous girl. After that, I went to my room... did nothing for an hour. And went to sleep!

Overall, an alright day. Not much was accomplished, psychology was canceled since we had a test. I still have to take it, balls. Whitney attempted to start up a conversation with me again today... Jenna and I didn't get any time together today really, not alone anyways. I felt guilty with her the whole day honestly... I had chances to kiss her, but I forced myself not to... I dunno, she's pretty down on herself... And it seems like she's not telling me some stuff so I really don't know what's going on. I always say we should talk and clarify things and she agrees, but we kind of just don't do it. Like while I was with Ali I texted her that and then I said that I hated being left in the dark and all she said was "lol" I dunno if she thought I had meant that literally like in physical darkness or what, but I hope she wouldn't just laugh at me feeling helpless because I had a lack a of information on the situation. Liza didn't see me at all today hardly either! No fun :( I didn't get to hang out with anyone. Ah well... Too bad today didn't turn out that well either, although it was alright.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 49

2009-11-04T06:11:00.000-08:00

This was a really good day, somehow it seems horrible though. I'm just really pissed off I guess. Everyone, and everything again. Mostly in the last hour I was about to go home I guess everything that annoyed me happened.

Today Liza woke me up at like 9 or whenever I asked her to, seeing as how I had slept at 5 or 6am I told her to just wake me up before the devotional. She texted me... lol Oh well I guess the devotional wasn't too important, I got notes for it. I went back to bed, a bunch of things woke me up, Marco, texts, phone calls. Actually Jenna may have called me, I dunno. Yeah I think she did, not sure though. Anyways woke up for reals at like 12:40. Class started at 12:10. I said eff it, it was just statistics anyways. I lazed around and got fulled ready at like 1:30. Ali was texting me and so I invited her to lunch with me not realizing it was nearly 2 and the cafe closes at 2. So i ran out and met up with her, she was wearing neon, bright, green pants. They were pretty sweet honestly lol Jenna was wearing yellow pants today, I guess it's bright pants day haha. Anyways, ate lunch with her, Braden and Jerald. After that I went back to my dorm, and Ali came with. We chilled in my empty lounge for a while, then some people came and hung out in the lounge with us. She had to leave at 3 for work and so after that I got a vacuum cleaner cause I had promised Marco I would vacuum since I made him take out the garbage. Actually before that I talked to Ryker, told him to lay off a bit. He used the excuse that DJ got him started, actually he was kind of a douchebag about it, but I think he'll listen. On the way upstairs I saw DJ and told him too, he seemed to understand better, but didn't seem to care much. Oh well that's his problem. Anyways went upstairs, dragged all the stuff out of the room and vacuumed it and our unit lounge. It's still in our room because I was too lazy to bring it back down. I stayed in the room for a while and blasted music, Marco came back and was kind of being a jerk too. He whined about how I put his shoes on his bed, I put them upside down on the blanket so I could vacuum. Then whined about how I put a few things on his chair with his friend's laptop underneath. Then he turned off my music and turned his up when I left for a few minutes to talk with Jerald. Jerald invited me to Waikiki for Thanksgiving with his sister and other friends. Jerald put me off for the first couple of times I saw him/hung out with him, but he's actually pretty decent guy. Anyways I went to the bathroom or something, and Marco was sitting by the door fixing his scooter, and I snuck up on him and scared him. He got really pissed and sprayed me with WD-40... wtf... come on. Well he missed luckily, he told me that Fall Ball tickets stopped selling at 5pm and it was like 4:45. So I got my stuff and rushed to the Aloha Center, apparently Jenna was headed to Foodland at the same time this was happening, I figured I would go with them so I called Jerald up to come because we had been wanting to get applications for jobs. I found out I couldn't get my tickets yet because the person was gone, and that they were selling tickets up till the Aloha Center closed, and that they took only cash. Gay. So we all went to Foodland, Jenna went for hair dye so her hair could perfectly match her hair extensions. Jerald and I hit up all the good places, a bunch weren't hiring though. We only got applications to Ace, Subway, and Foodland. I had to go in and buy something so I could get cashback for the tickets, I bought some Ghiradelli squares, which are great. We all sat for a while outside filling out applications and eating the chocolate. Jenna had to go to econ tutoring at 6:30 so we rushed back to eat by 6. I decided to go with her to tutoring. On the way back to campus she realized she forgot her ID card so Jerald and I waited by the little theater and climbed the trees and played on the bike racks and ran up the walls. After they finally got back we went to dinner, which was mediocre. We ate with Pono and friends, somehow I made fun of Emily's "bone it" really loudly. And a few minutes later I realize she's sitting at the table across the aisle from me... Haha. Anyways after dinner, Jenna and I left for econ. We were a few minutes early and Mike wasn't there to teach us yet so we sat outside with this kid named Christian who was in her marketing group I guess. The tutoring went well, taught me a lot. Mike is a pretty cool guy, I got to sit by Jenna which is always good! It ended at like 7:20ish, and Jenna reminded me I still had to buy tickets so we walked over to the Aloha Center and got them. Oh yeah sometime during dinner Katie had called me and I called her back after getting tickets and waiting for my marketing club meeting to start, cause I had decided to skip Aikido again. After getting tickets we went back to her dorm for something, and when I was waiting for her I called Katie back, after Jenna got out we went to outside of our Econ class tables again and talked about air fare and such. It ends up airplane will only cost me 100 bucks round trip. Jenna and Katie got to meet over phone haha. Anyways, 8 came around and she left for the library, I went to my meeting, Mike canceled it cause no one came. I ran after Jenna and by the library I finally got to kiss her today haha. I'm looking too forward to this I know... I can't help it. Anyways it was just like 2 quick kisses and that was it. We went into the library and I saw Marco and Anthony there. Her corner was taken lol, we found another one. I looked over the edge and we were right above... Emika. lol Anyways, I sat and talked with Jenna for like half an hour till 8:30 when she had to do her marketing group work. It was nice just sitting and talking, after we left I went to my lounge and Liza and Charlene met me there. We kind of just sat there for a while, Charlene was being a girl. She wanted to know if John Jensen had a date to Fall Ball but first off just wouldn't tell me who she was talking about, then wouldn't talk to anyone about it. She was being so annoying, then Matt came out and sat with us. Jerald came down and told me to change for Hip Hop Club since we were learning how to dance today. I was hesitant, since I had planned on going and just doing my homework. I decided I might as well, so I did. Open Mic night was postponed till tomorrow because someone reserved the little theater for something else, so I convinced Liza and Charlene to come, Matt had disappeared somewhere. On the way to the Ballroom, I saw him and said hey, the girls stopped and talked. Jerald and I kept walking, and noticed once we were half way there. Ok... that was gay they kind of just ditched me, whatever not like I'm not used to that. After a while they came over though I guess, so that was ok. They didn't really participate at all though. It was way loads of fun, at first it was just us and this guy. But he started teaching us the dance that they did at the Halloween dance. I was learning how to dance! A monumental moment in history! I was doing it, for real! Learned the whole dance in like 2 hours. In that time Matt, Liza, and Charlene left to watch a movie or something, two other guys came, and I saw Jenna and Julia randomly pass by and I called them in. They seemed reluctant at first, they were in the rain in their bare feet haha. Gosh it was so much fun, like ridiculous. I'm excited to dance now, apparently I'm good at breakdancing? Haha. I still kept keep a beat though, I got off while we did our dance routine all the time. And I'm sure I look ugly when I do it. Oh well! It was loads of fun, and pretty much amazing when Jenna and Julia got there. We had loads of fun! Well I did, they looked like the did too haha. Anyways it was like nearly 11PM before we left, Jenna and Julia left to go do homework, I went back to my lounge. It was jampacked, Charlene, Matt, and Liza were watching Shutter. Jerald sat for a few moments ate some of their food and left to go sleep or something, I stayed with them. 11 came around and they got kicked out and they went outside to watch it. I went out with them, Kristin called me and told me I had left all my IDs and debit card in the Ballroom, crap. I ran back and got them from the guy, and ran back. Liza's laptop had died and they needed mine to play the movie, I let them use it and then filled out the rest of my applications and started to do my Astronomy, only to realize I didn't have chapter 6 in my book. Ugh. Luckily Jenna texted me saying she wanted to give my stuff back now that she was done dying her hair. Luckily I had decided to go upstairs to change at that moment anyways, I got her what I thought was her DVD, but it was Stephanies lol We met behind the tennis courts, and... kissed for a bit :) Not for long... she's super paranoid about security getting her in trouble lol It was nice though, she was super cute. She took off her glasses... Haha. At 11:11 we had both made wishes... Hers came true, it was to see me that night. After we left each other I went back to Charlene, Liza and Matt. They had finished the movie and I expected to leave, but I guess they were gonna watch the Thai version cause it's more creepy. So I stayed there, I didn't watch because they all sat in front of me after I sat behind in between them. Charlene was freaking out and being stupid. Matt was being kind of gay, kind of a lot. Ali was being freaking difficult, she was making this stupid argument with me. I kept telling her I was with people but I wasn't busy, she kept going but you're busy cause you're with people, and I kept telling her I was but I wasn't actually doing anything with them... So stupid. We argued for like an hour. All the whilst they keep watching more and more versions of Shutter, I was ready to leave and go do homework but they weren't. Liza at 1AM realized she hadn't signed out, and went to go do that and was iffy about coming back. Charlene didn't leave with her, wtf. The one time I want them to be together they weren't. I should have left with Liza, Charlene and Matt were pissing me off, Everything about them pissed me off, every head flick that Charlene did. It seemed like she was looking at me, then just looking forward. They kept laughing their asses off. People kept texting me telling me to be quiet, I tell them that and freaking Charlene turns up the speakers loud as heck a few minutes later. She gets all pissy when I tell her again, Matt laughs as loud as hell. And says some douchey things period. Ugh everything pissed me off, I shouldn't have waited so long to write it, I am missing a bunch of things now. But to top it all off, what do they decide to watch? Freaking Beyonce, freaking Single Ladies. Wow. I told them I wanted them to change it like 3 times, and they didn't say anything or even acknowledge me. Fine, I guess they really wanted to watch it, it ended up being really long. So I ask them how long it is like 3 times and again they don't even answer me. Wtf. Fucking faggots. I hate that song with a blood fricking passion, that's the first time I've listened to that whole song through since Emily. Everything just seems to be perfect to piss me off huh? lol Even Jenna annoyed me a bit tonight, I guess the only person that really didn't today was Liza. Although she did ditch me, and didn't talk to me like all day... Anyways... Jenna was really adamant about knowing what my wish was, which is ok I guess. I was playing the game with her and messing around, then she said "Tell me what your wish is and I promise I'll make it come true babe" or something like that. That... kind of ticked me. I hate when people make empty promises, or promises they can't keep. It was ok when she said that, but then after I told her what if I wished for things she didn't want? She still was stubborn, so I told her I had wished I could have kissed her in the rain. Which for the most part was true, but there were still all those "wants" that I hadn't wished for specifically at 11:11 per say, but still wanted. What if I had wished for... her to break up with Scott, her to tell Julia we liked each other, her to be open about us, or other things? If she really would have done that for me, that'd be great, but I wouldn't want her to unless it was her that wanted it. I guess I'm just mad because I have such bad experiences with promises, no one keeps them to me. lol Anyways... After watching a billion episodes of stuff we played cards, even playing cards pissed me off. Charlene was watching friends the whole time and I had kemps like the whole time every time and she never called it. Matt was being stupid, I dunno just the way he acts now. Is kind of like DJ. DJ never would have liked Emily had it not been for me, he never would have noticed Emily's eyebrows, he never would be making fun of Stephanie kissing girls, he never would be making fun of Sara's little sister. Matt never would have met Liza and Charlene, he never would have been close to them even if he had. Pisses me off I guess. Reminds me of the same situation.

So now the situation back at home...
Savannah texts me today, she says by coincidence. It's cause it's the first time she's been bored in class all year and she texts people randomly when she's bored. Apparently she's never been bored or thought of texting me, before Jake was open. Whitney is trying to act like things are all ok now? Haha... Not even an apology, sure she says sorry or whatever. But only for small specific things, she's not sorry for hurting me. She's not sorry for anything she did. Yet I'm gonna be her friend, I'm gonna give her a chance. Stupid Champ. I guess Morgan didn't know they broke up yet cause I just told her. Haha Helen deleted me on Facebook. Reminds me of when Anne and I fought and she deleted on Myspace. I give up on this shiz. History is repeating itself, what am I supposed to be learning? lol I know so cliche, but, why me? I haven't done anything so bad in my life that I deserve all this crap thrown at me. Why do I pick the worst friends? Why do I pick the worst girls to life? Why do I let the best opportunities pass me by every time?

So Liza and Jenna and Helen read my blog for sure, maybe there are others. Jenna does it daily I think, I showed it to Liza today, Helen probably reads it still. I badmouth everyone, it's hard. I seem like such a harsh, rude, and cynical person. I guess deep down inside, I am huh? That's the only way to explain it. I apologize for everything I say, but I do not regret it. What I say here I mean, you read all this at your own risk. Normally a person wouldn't know any of these things. I waste my life writing these, and they waste their lives reading. Hopefully it throws some insight into my life for them. Hopefully Helen realizes that she's hit me at the perfect time. Hopefully Liza can somehow use what I write to better understand me and help me, because honestly, she is the only person left that I have that deeper connection with that I can talk to easily about nearly everything, Hopefully Jenna finds out how crazy I am and backs out while she still can, and if not I hope she knows what she's getting herself into.

What friends do I got left? Lots. Who am I deeply connected with still? Liza, Jenna, Ali, McCall. Liza works out well, except Charlene gets in the way. Jenna works well, except I like her and she likes me and there's some... conflicts of interest otherwise... lol Ali likes me, I like(d) her. McCall is super busy.

What reason do I have to go back home now? None... lol The only person living in Bothell that was close to me, that I want to see now...? Bree. She's coming to visit me, with Sam and Monica... bleh. What reason do I have to stay here in Hawaii? Well I'm kind of forced to, no money. But really what do I like about here? The girls that I like/liked. A few friends? One or two kind of close ones? Geez, what do I have left period? So gay. I gots nothing. I need a job so I can slave my life away and not worry about this biz.

Maybe I overanalyze too much, whatever. That's who I am, Jerald is the A+ star of the day. He saw eye to eye with me on everything today, he danced with me, he commented on how jealous he was of me being able to piece together things he never had even though about, like Pono's stories about doing bad stuff on the computer and then "rebuking the darkness" with the power of Christ.

Today was a good day, just had sucky stuff happen in the end which ruined the day for me. Maybe tomorrow will be better, I have a feeling it will be. Since today was a negative, tomorrow has to be better because I'm shooting for at least a neutral which should be easy since I have 6 classes tomorrow. I didn't get to blog about Friday again, dang. Next time... I guess. Sorry.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 48

2009-11-03T06:45:00.000-08:00

Monday. Was a good day en generale. But kind of got effed up at the end... Here we go again eh? That quote, those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat their mistakes kind of jumps out at me. I feel like I learn, I feel like I know better, then I end up with the same results.

Anyways... got woken up by Dani and Marco this morning, salsa and chip party with Matt till 3 then staying up till 4 was a horrible idea. I felt dead, I was 10 minutes late to class. Apparently, he had just been giving a lecture about being late to class, just my luck right? Apparently I walked in like right after he finished... mhm. Love my life. After class I went to breakfast and I don't remember who I sat with, I think Braden and friends. Yeah, then Charlene came. Then freaking Lauren comes and sits by me. That mint lemonade homemade stuff is pretty horrible not gonna lie. Well after breakfast, went home, facebooked, did my Book of Mormon homework. Was late to self defense, we ended up not doing anything because we were supposed to watch a movie but we didn't. We learned a few things I guess. After that I walked over to Book of Mornon, sat in the back usual spot, but Emika was in the middle row again. Whatever. I ended up being just knocked out pretty much for good for that class lol. I think I drooled a bit, but somehow at the end of class I got the mid-term open for both Wednesday and Thursday all day lol So pro. After class I walked out fairly quickly, but again Emika beat me out. She asked me how I was doing, we had a short 10 seconds conversation and parted. Not worth anything. Whatever. Astrononomy was boring as always, facebooked, blah blah. Went to economics, Steph didn't sit by me again. I got my key mailbox from her. I picked up my camera, Marika sent me her old one :) She's freaking sweet. Anyways after I got my package I swung by the library again to pick up a flower for Jenna. I figured out how I was going to ask her to Fall Ball, I wrote her a tiny 4 line poem in econ, and was going to pass her a note and a flower and surprise her in the library. We ended up meeting in her lounge so I walked over there, and when she came down at first I didn't do anything. After a few moments I handed her the flower, no poem. What?! I had chickened out, or something. It took me lots of working my nerves up and I folded the note up real nice and small, and stuck it all hidden in my palm and touched her hand, and dropped it in. She read it, and said yes. :) So I guess my wish did come true, that was my wish for 11:11 that day lol So it was really nice, chilling with Jenna, and then Julia and Dani. And then the rest of Jenna's friends. Carrie is actually in my Book of Mormon class, we never knew haha. So they're actually pretty cool. Honestly, though... all I cared about was sitting there and being with Jenna, haha. I know ridiculous, I'm getting to clingy and obsessive. Whatever, it's true. Don't matter to me. We took our econ test, I did my great idea exchange thing, I signed up for a few classes, we all kind of chilled for a while mostly. Then we all went to eat dinner at 6ish. We sat with Sara, Emily, and Stephanie. Mhm... It was alright I guess, didn't really talk to them at all. Dani's friends showed up and sat next to us she she talked to them. Sara was bragging about how great she was at chugging water or something, so Julia and I had to show her up. Her 3 cups in 27 seconds? Easy. It was freaking hilarious though. Julia and I had both went to get 3 cups of water, just a few moments earlier I had brought back a cup of Sprite for me and cup for Jenna, I set my cups down. And Julia goes, wait Champ has 4 cups? Jenna goes, nope! That last one is a Sprite, oh look! Here, and she sets her cup next to Julia's 3 water cups. So here's the serious business going on. Emily gets her watch ready, Julia and I get ready. Now I'm not sure if I got 4 cups or 3 cups in 19 seconds, but I downed all 4 quickly, and so did Julia. We both had beaten Sara. Good. Haha. But, freaking my stomach hurt haha. And after the Sprite hit, my stomach exploded, I had liquid fly out of my nose and mouth from the pressure haah. It was freaking gross, ridiculous, and funny. All at once. I wish we had caught it on film or something. After that experience, Sara came back from the bathroom, she had missed it all. Dang. They were freaking out about something, some guy. And they were all like, omg he's coming, perfect timing (in a sarcastic tone) or something, and they all quickly left. Some guy sat where they had been sitting, but I didn't notice anything special about him, I don't think it was him they were talking about. Mhm. Anyways, we left shortly after that to go to the library to study. Basically, Julia and I had to pee like 50 times while we waiting for Liza and Charlene. Her and I peed I think 6 times or so. Haha. The library was freaking ridiculous, we were so loud, so rowdy, it was so much fun. First off, every time her and I went to pee we would do a cartwheel, then pee. After the 2nd bathroom trip Julia finished before me, so she hid behind a bookcase, and was going to scare me. I thought I had gotten out before her and in turn, hid behind the wall, while she watched me the whole time. Haha... oh my gosh we burst out laughing and I rolled around on the floor for a while, it was freaking hilarious. I dunno man, it was just lots of fun in the library. And to top it off, I shared a seat with Jenna once Liza and Charlene got there. A bit of a damper, her boyfriend wasn't too happy about her going to Fall Ball. Eff... We had to split up, they were going to FHE, I was going to take my Statistics test. Liza sort of helped me study for a bit, mostly we just talked I guess. I went down to take my test not in the best mood, came out of the test knowing I had did horribly but didn't care much. I texted Liza and she had gone to Charlene's FHE and they were playing capture the flag. It was in front of the Aloha center and it started pouring, it was a pretty crappy came of capture the flag lol We ended a while later, after it got more and more wet, I realized I had left my computer case out! Aw crap, Jenna's computer was in there too, because in the library my computer wasn't getting internet for some reason. Luckily nothing was damaged, we went into the Aloha Center and had refreshments. Good fruit, good cookies. After that we headed back, but got sidetracked into the little theater. They hung out, I kind of sat by myself, a bit. Jenna and her FHE finally finished and she texted me so I went to give her her laptop, and they were going to go to Taco Bell, so I went with them. I went to put my stuff away and get money since I had to get deodorant and gum anyways. I ended up getting a #9 since Charlene wanted me to get her a taco. DJ and Ryker came because I had invited them, kind of regret it a lot. They were kind of being douchebags, more so than normal it seemed. Maybe it was the mood I was in, or maybe it was because they were directing it towards Jenna rather than someone stupid and half-deserving like Sara. I saw Krystin outside of Taco Bell. Anyways... I bought my stuff at Foodland, we left, Jenna and I didn't talk much... We got home, DJ and Ryker fell behind talking to people. I said good night, and we separated.

So... today was a mess.

How do I wanna go about explaining here... well. I'll just go for it.

Emika hates me, but not? Haha. Emily, Sara, and Steph obviously don't care. DJ gets on my nerves, Ryker would be half ok by himself. With DJ there it just doesn't work out. They nearly made Jenna cry apparently, I'm gonna have to talk to them later.

Marika, got her camera! Yeaahhhh! She sent me a cute little letter too :) Can't believe she's in Thailand.

Helen, guess her giving up and breaking up with me is for serious and a done deal. Not sure what I did, or didn't do. But apparently, I've treated her the same as I've treated all my other close friends since this always happens. Oh well... life goes on I suppose. So sad that I can lose my best friend like this and not even feel more remorse, just like when I lost Whitney I hardly even batted an eyelash. It's so sad what I think feel, I think I'm feeling... like nothing matters anymore. Because everything really does end up the same, since it does, why don't I just take advantage of this fact and go along for the ride. I might as well go crazy, live it up, and do whatever my heart desires since my actions don't affect my life in any way whatsoever.

I guess what everything comes down to is my relationships, and my choices. Liza and I have been talking kind of a lot, a lot about why I have so many problems in my life. Yeah her white knight idea made sense, but she added on to it tonight, I honestly respect and value her opinion because she seems to be objective, and less biased. Sure she told me that I should not be "dating Jenna" (we have different definitions of dating apparently) because she has a boyfriend, but that Jenna was the best choice out of any of the girls so far. I'm thinking the general vibe from Liza is that I need to cut it off, it's going to cause problems. She's right, I know she is. It already is causing problems. With Jenna's boyfriend, with people here. Jenna is a tough girl, but she's got a lot on her plate without me, with me added on it just seems like she got a whole heaping pile of junk as seconds. I know that to be fair to her, and to myself, I should stop. I never should have told her, or shown her my feelings. I just can't help it... She makes me feel great, and she says I do the same for her. I mean for me, I have no loss. So if I were the only thing that needed to be considered we'd be good to go. I'm not though, she's equally as important, I'd say more so than me. What's so great about me...? There's no reason for her to like me, her boyfriend is freaking perfect lol I don't stand a chance when I'm stacked against him, honestly... I think Jenna is feeling the same things I was feeling before. I missed having someone to physically make me feel good, physically love, and physically show affection for. That's the only reason I can come up with anyhow, I don't do anything out of the norm, I don't do anything special. I bring with me lots of problems, complications, etc. I'm just not worth it. She's such a great girl, she deserves better.

Well I guess that about sums it up... I wish I wasn't so stupid and took the simplest path. I wish my choices were made based upon logic and reasoning rather than want and desire. I really really like this girl, but everything is telling me not to. Everything is telling me it's wrong. I know it's so cliche, and I've probably said this same thing before about someone else, but she makes me feel great. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Just being around her makes my day so much better. She makes me want to be the best person I can be, she makes me want to succeed, makes me want to be a good student, makes me want to be smart. She forces me to have faith, I have faith that she won't be like the others. I have faith that somehow, everything is going to work out. Things may not work out the way I planned, or exactly the way I wanted, but I have faith that it will work.

So funny, tonight it's been raining. Hard as heck. Droves and droves of rain, Liza, Ali, Jenna all love the rain apparently. And of course the rain reminds me of Emily. Just this very moment as I'm about to type my closer, the hardest torrent of rain the entire nights comes crashing down. At the same moment, my phone goes off. It's Whitney. The text reads, "me and jake broke up" lol Short, sweet, to the point, and completely out of the blue. Now she wants to tell me stuff? Now she wants to talk? I suppose I owe it to her, she went through my shiz with Emily. But I talked to her, she didn't say crap to me. Whatever, here's the story of my life I guess. The cycle goes on... So Jake broke up with her, he still likes Savannah. He wanted to be fair and couldn't hurt them by being in that relationship, blah blah blah. That jiz. So funny. So ironic.

What do I do? Champ, what would be the best course of action? Leave it, let her deal with it, she's been doing fine without you obviously, yeah that sounds like the logical thing to do. Champ, what will be your course of action? I'll help her through it, I'll be her friend, I'll forgive her, I'll sacrifice myself for her again. Aw Champ you're so sweet, such a great friend, what would anyone ever do without you?

I love my life. So fricking amazing. :) Life's little miracles. So let's look at the position back at home... Jacob... Jacob... Jacob... Creating such a mess, who tried to prevent the messes? Me. Who has to clean them up? Me. Jacob dated Morgan, I warned him about her. He did it. Jacob liked Savannah still but failed to admit it and reconcile, now he has. He's been dating Whitney, now he's not. Morgan is Whitney's best friend, they now do not talk, same as Whitney and I do not talk. Savannah and Morgan obviously are not best of friends. Savannah and Whitney, I assume are not going to be great friends much longer, if they still are. So let's talk relations to Champ. Whitney, now talks to Champ, and I assume the level of talking will increase dramatically from now on. Champ has always thought of Morgan the same way, she's a good girl, but she's a girl, and girls are stupid. Champ and Savannah used to be great friends, until she was a douchebag to me. Jake and I are good friends, were good friends. Now I give the same warning to Jake as I have every other time, FRICKING SAVANNAH IS A GIRL, A STUPID FREAKING GIRL. The end. Learn the lesson, ya effed it up. Ya picked one of the worst sets of girls, ya lost. Game over.

Now Whitney's saying she would appreciate if I didn't give up on her... lol She asks me to continue me being the good friend I have been? If I continue doing what I've been doing, I would just tell her to suck it up. And end it there. She wants friendly advice from me now... lol What's the difference between my advice now from before? Well before, she had a perfect boyfriend, cute, polite, respectful, Eagle scout, all-around perfect guy. I made sure of that, because I left him in charge of her while I was gone. Now, she's friendless huh? No one else to talk to, no one else to look to, now my advice is gold huh? Oh man. I just thought about her parents lol Now that she's gonna start texting me/talking to me again, here come the phone curfews haha. Fricking A! Love it. I'm pretty much lol'ing for real, quietly though since my roommate is asleep. I guess I should be too huh? Nearly 5am. So ridiculous.

Whitney is kind of screwed isn't she? Maybe her and Helen should be best friends now, I mean they both broke up with me at the same time, well pretty much anyways. They can have each other, at least we all know they'll have some common ground. Wowwww. Everyime I text back in... anger, the rain just beats down. I swear, it's perfect timing. She says she isn't as slow anymore, she doesn't apologize for everything anymore, she is listening better. Well... obviously that's not true haha. If she had been listening better, she would have realized what, "STOP freaking out. You have to sleep on it, think about it deeply, talk to your parents, and talk to your friends about it," meant some few weeks ago. I sure as heck know it didn't mean, have a quick chat with your parents, semi-inform me, go get a new life, and forget about your old one.

This is probably the longest blog I've ever done, I guess I just have lots to talk about eh? So where does Champ go from where ya guys? Don't ya wish that there were lifelines in the game of daily real life? Phone-a-friend, 50-50, ask the audience. Which would I use here? Haha... Oh man. I'm not even sleepy anymore, I'm just giddy on this adrenaline rush. There goes my sleep... haha. Alright so here's how I'm gonna play this game. I'm gonna keep going on the same path with Jenna, I'll let my other friends here do whatever they want I could care less, I'll let my other friends at home do whatever they want, again I could care less, I'll let Whitney talk to me. So I figure this leaves my options open still. Things go awry with Jenna... I still have people here to fall back on along with Whitney. Things go awry with Whitney, I still have Jenna and friends here and home. Things go awry with Whitney and Jenna, I start to get effed, but I can rebefriend someone from back home or find someone else here. Things go bad with both of them, and both groups and it's game over. I give up. I'll live life alone, no friends, no family, die a lonely death, live a better life than I ever had before. Sounds like a good deal to me. Looking forward to tomorrow! Regretful that I didn't get to finish Friday's blog still... the dance. Jenna and I's first kiss. Friday was a great day. Ugh. Later, I suppose.

Edit:
P.S. It's now 5:10AM, Savannah has just texted me. The rain just started up again. Love it.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 47

2009-11-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

Another good day! I had woken up lateish, too late to get to my service council on time. Liza woke me up in time for church luckily. Went with Marco and after I blessed I sat with Liza, we ended up talking for most of the time.Talking mostly about me, and my life. The girls... haha We talked about the stupid ones, the good ones, and Jenna. Yeah she gets her own subcategory haha. After people bore some pretty amazing testimonies I cleaned up the auditorium and went to Sunday school and sat with Liza and again we just talked most of the time, Sunday school was short cause testimony meeting lasted for so long. Stephanie was with Liza the whole time but we never said a word to each other, oh well. A neutral is better than a negative anyhow. Marco left after getting set apart cause he got home at like 10AM or something. We separated, Relief Societies left, we were taught our lesson and I was starving, it was Fast Sunday. We got out like 10 minutes early, the girls got out like at the last minute. Liza and I headed over to the cafe, we both had to pee. Luckily Canada was there and I had her hold my scriptures while I peed. Dinner was decent, the ham was great. There was ice cream again. Dani and Ali both came to eat with us, we sat at a jam-packed table. Charlene came later, and so did Stephanie. After dinner, Liza, Charlene, and I went to Hale 5 lounge. Liza and I had to study. Charlene went to shower or something, I ended up falling asleep for like 2 hours. Liza did her homework, I woke up after a while and we semi-studied. Not really. Charlene came down a while later, distracted us even further and somehow they convinced me to go back to our Hale to get some ice cream that we had stuck there from a few days earlier. After that we just hung out for a bit, then at 9ish Charlene convinced us to go play uno attack with her brother and his wife in TVA. So we went, I was still in my Sunday clothes while everyone else had dressed down already lol So they're pretty cool people, I like them. Hopefully they like me too lol It was like 11 something before we left, we chilled in the courtyard for a while, then after a while Matt came out. It was a little after midnight and at first I wanted everyone to just go to bed so we could chill tomorrow. Somehow they got food, came back, we played cards till one something. Almost 2. Finally Charlene got away, Liza left. We got really dirty near the end haha. Maybe it was for the better that they left, we played in the tunnel again but this time security didn't come. After they left Matt and I had salsa and tortilla chips party, watched an episode of Family Guy and American Dad. Anyways, I kinda breezed through this but that's pretty much all that happened.

Whitney is finally realizing she's being stupid. Maybe. Actually, it doesn't seem like it. It just seems like she feels bad because now she realizes I'm not really talking to her anymore. She doesn't seem to realize what she's done to me, she's apologizing, but I know she doesn't know what for. I told her she was the same as Emily to me, actually Liza told me to say it, but I did. I meant it to. That kind of ticked her off I think, good. She deserves it, whatever. She can't even talk to me still... haha. And now she even knows something's up, whatever. Screw that. She can go ahead do whatever it is she wants to do, what she did for me means nothing to her, what I did for her means nothing to her. That's fine.

Helen, what do I say about her? Same as all the others. Plain and simple. Ditch me. Leave me. Lay the blame. I hate cowards, I hate pusses who can't at least take blame, consequences, and responsibility for their own actions. Blaming God for "breaking up" with me? So gay. If you aren't happy with the relationship anymore, fine, but suck it up and tell me that's what you feel.

Marika, I think she sent me stuff! :) I is way excited.

Bree, argh. I wish she was visiting by herself :( I want alone time with my best friends, considering I only have 2 now. Katie and her. I just sighed really loudly, lol.

Katie, now officially the longest running best friend I've had. Yay Katie's the winner! Winner of... a pathetic competition. Winner of an event where there was no competition, she pretty much won by default. Well winning is winning.

Liza, dang I luh her. lol She's my new best friend, for reals. She understands me, she listens to me, she talks to me. We trust each other. It's great.

Jenna, I didn't get to see her at all today :( Aside from when I yelled at her through the window from when I was walking over to TVA. I didn't get to kiss her today, sad day. I wish I could spend every night under the stars with this girl. Just being there next to her, her asleep in my arms, just makes me smile. Geez, I know ridiculous that I can be so mushy and gushy over a girl that I hardly know right? Maybe I'm getting myself in a position to get screwed over again, but honestly. I could care less. This girl makes me feel great right now, she says I give her butterflies? She gives me like a freaking roller coaster inside my body. Agh. Don't know how I can feel this about a girl that has a boyfriend, but I do. I can't help it. Ever since that night we watched Arachnophobia and I lay next to her, watched her sleep, then watched her drool on my pillow, I knew that I had deeper feelings for this girl. She's so cute haha. I can't wait for tomorrow, well today. Honestly, I'm excited just cause I know I'll be able to see her. After I finish class at 2:20 though blah, so far away. And I have a statistics mid-term, I'm so effed. I dunno probability. Jenna will make me feel all better. :)

Liza made up this term for me, White Knight in Shining Armour. Haha... pretty easy to figure out. I only go after the damsels in distress, I come in on my white horse, with my shining armour, and I go in to save them. I go to rescue them, somehow that struck me. In some ways it seems to be true huh? That's how all my more recent girls have been. All except for Emily I suppose, she was different. She had problems of her own, but not like problem problems like every other girl. I dunno. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong kinds of girls, maybe I attract the wrong type, maybe what I really am being is a friend. But somehow warping that into being more than friends? Who knows...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 46

2009-11-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

Saturday...
A good day!
So got home at like 7am or something... I was going to go to breakfast with Liza and Charlene but I fell asleep haha. I woke up at like 12 something? I lazed around and got readyish. Jenna told me she was going to the luau at Brother Wasden's house, I met up with her right as she got of the cafe. Steph was right in front of me the whole time lol Anyways, Jenna and I walked over to the Luau together, we went the beach way. We sat a bit, talked, kissed :) Hah I know... I'm ridiculous, our first kiss was less than a day ago and I'm already looking forward to/missing her. Well hopefully this works out better than past things, we'll see huh? Anyways, we went over to the Luau, Brother Wasden and family are pretty cool. We ate food for a while, talked to some people about Fall Ball and how it seemed like no one was going lol After that, we walked back, saw Liza and Charlene on Temple, and I gave them some brownies that Brother Wasden told me to take a bunch of lol Matt and DJ had been spearfishing earlier that day on Temple because I saw his dive buoy, he still has my flip flops... lol Anyways, we went back and Jenna had to do some work or something, so I went back to my room. I went to my room, Dani had wanted to talk to me from earlier so I went to talk to her after I dropped off my tennis rackets for Jenna and Julia to use. We had an interesting talk I suppose... Anyways after we talked I guess everything was... fixed. To whatever extent things can be fixed I guess. After we talked we went to go check her bank balance at the Aloha Center where I chatted with Crystal at the desk for a bit, then Dani and I went back home. I got to my room, and conked out for 2 hours. Marco left for Honolulu this morning and is still there, he gets back today some time. Apparently he is there with some friends in a hotel, haha. He's going to Fall Ball with some chick, get it get it Marco! lol Anyways, from like 4-6ish I was dead in bed. Jenna had kept me up late... lol I woke up to a few texts, Liza and Charlene were going to dinner then so I went with them. We were supposed to wait in line for the Haunted Lagoon because we all thought it was going to be a long wait, while Jenna and Julia were finishing up their party. We ate dinner with Dallin, Jantz and friends. Jantz apparently got his face smashed at Pounders lol After dinner we went to the girls' dorms so they could change into their costumes. They took forever, I sat in the lounge for like half an hour... Anyways, after that we left for the PCC and saw that there was no line! Also... funny story, everytime I said I was going to the Haunted Lagoon I guess I slurred my words because everyone thought I said I was going to Honolulu lol It was pretty funny... Anyways no line, apparently they were closing the ride off early or something?! Holy crap, we rushed to get Liza's ticket, I called up Jenna and Julia and told them to rush over. We waited for them and Charlene went to pee, they got there before she got back from the bathroom. Geez that girl takes forever to do anything... Haha. Jenna, Julia, and I sat in the front row. Liza and Charlene were forced to sit in the second row, they were freaking out because they were on the ends and would get super scared, so I got the next random couple of strangers to sit with them haha. The ride was great! It was better than the first time we went, they added a few things and I spent it with my arm around and holding hands with Jenna instead of Caralee! :) After getting thoroughly soaked, though not scared at all... We got off, left the PCC and went to McDonalds. I let myself go and got a super sized 13, some bacon Angus thing. It was ok, not worth the money haha. I picked up an application, Jenna and I took pictures with Ronald McDonald statue haha. We all ate outside and they figured out that they wanted to go trick-or-treating, so we did. We walked back to campus area and went to random houses on the way, then went to Foodland, Jenna and I wanted to go to Brother Wasden's house but I guess we just didn't get around to it. The houses we went to were pretty interesting haha. First off some random group of 3 people can and tagged a long with us for 2 houses. Then at another house we found 2 black cats, they were freaking cute haha. I played with them and pretended to steal one. Then they followed us to the next house and I played with them some more haha. After hitting up a few more houses Jenna and Julia realized they wanted to get food because today is fast Sunday... Uh oh. So we went to Foodland and passed by this bumpin house/block party. It was pretty sweet haha. We went to Foodland and I found a bathroom, Charlene bummed a buck off of me to play the crane game, Jenna forgot her pin code so I ended up buying their food lol We walked back home and got freaking egged... Well Jenna and I did. Luckily they sucked balls and all the eggs hit the ground, some egg splashed up on our legs but no big I guess... After getting back on campus we saw Jerald and friends playing sardines. Liza and Charlene were going to play with them, Jenna and Julia and I decided we were going to watch a movie. I went to my room to get changed and get stuff for movie time, I saw Sara and Annika in my courtyard doing backwards rolls and they asked me to do one. I guess Annika just can't do one, they were amazed at how I did mine because I end up back on my feet lol After a few minutes chatting I went to Hale 3 corner benches and waited for everyone. By the time Jenna got down, Julia had decided she wasn't coming, Charlene and Liza were both on the benches with me, Elisha had gotten there. Jerald and friends decided they were going to watch a movie at some girls apartment. Us 4 decided to stick around and watch a movie in the courtyard of the McKay building. We got through some movies starts, then found an ok one. The American Haunting or something like that. Got halfway through then a security guard came and kicked us out, dang. Liza and Charlene ended up just going to Liza's room to watch movies or something. Jenna and I decided we were going out somewhere. I got a blanket and a pillow and we went to our spot by the Temple Beach showers and we looked at the stars, talked a little, and kissed :) It was great, I dunno I just really enjoy being with her. Anyways... she had to leave somewhat earlyish since she has 9AM church, which is coming up in like 2 hours haha. So we left by 3, but in that time she had fallen asleep in my arms, which was amazing. I eventually fell asleep too haha. We walked back, I kissed her good night was freaking tired, saw DJ and Ryker in their room. Talked with them a bit, layed in Jonny's bed because I was freaking exhausted. Ryker went to Waikiki with them... and they had just gotten back like right before I did. Sara, Steph, Emily, and DJ went with him. I'm glad they hate me and don't invite me to things anymore haha. I had a great time here, and didn't have to see them at all today! Anyways I left, came to my room and here I am...

So... actually a bunch of crappy stuff has happened in the past week or so.

Helen pretty much... broke up with me. lol Weird right? Basically the person I felt like I could count on the most to always be there, besides Katie I guess, just like that. This is... Sonia. So weird, that this wouldn't be the first time that a best friend has broken up with me. I didn't even know what to say to it so left it alone for a few days or however long. I finally just gave up and gave her what was on my mind, I told her that I didn't blame her, and that it actually wasn't that unexpected what she did. Pretty sad when you think about it huh? Thing is... it's just another tally to add to my hash marks of disappointment. Life's full of disappointments eh? That's fine I guess.

Whitney, still being stupid and oblivious/ignorant. She's taken that fall from way up and just keeps digging deeper and deeper. Haha. What a waste of half a year with that girl, it was great while it happened, for me. Apparently that was all fine and dandy but means nothing to her now. Again, tallies to add to my collection.

Dani, so ridiculous how negative she is... She cried while we were talking today and I felt horrible. I felt so responsible. Obviously the talk was about Ali mainly. It was about how if I wanted to be something with her Dani would be fine with it, she shuts off her emotions, etc. etc. Pretty much her blowing a bunch of bull at me saying she it didn't matter what I did with anyone... Ugh. Don't get me wrong, she's great. She comes from a hard home, has a great personality, and is fun to be around but geez. Some of the things she says or thinks...

Ali, apparently has been wanting a relationship with me this whole time? She got jealous of Jenna?! I hadn't even hung out with them together hardly... So ridiculous. We had a long discussion over text, apparently when she told me that story of her friend who was friends with benefits she wasn't implying that for us... She thought we were working towards a relationship? What the heck... like I know what's going on through her mind. So I have this feeling like it's going to blow up, this is like Emily, Sara, Steph, and DJ all over again. Hopefully that's not true, I can't really take another one of those...

Jenna, freaking sweet. Period. I like her, she likes me, not period. She has a boyfriend, we have to keep our actions a secret from people here, Ali and Dani. Ahhh!!! I always pick the best/worst girls to like lol Obviously she's the best... cause I like her the most. But she's the worst cause... it would be so much easier to like, ANYone else. Haha. And I wonder how I get into these situations sometimes? Gosh I'm so attracted to her though, she's so cute haha... The way we talk to each other, the way we look at each other, the way we do things. I know, so cliche, so gay, so stupid of Champ. Whatever dude, this is college. Not even gonna have regrets. Eff it.

Liza, I love her :) She's like my favorite person here by far. She listens, forms an opinion, gives me sound advice, then listens to my rebukes, readjusts, and then we make plans to talk more later. She's the best, I don't know why Steph doesn't spend more time with her. Fortunately, she doesn't. Haha. So other than Charlene, I get to spend a bunch of time with this girl. I wish her and Charlene weren't so attached, because although I like Charlene a lot too, it's different talking to Liza and talking to both of them.

Anyways, it's 7am. Gonna cut it off around here... Pretty much... have some of the suckiest circumstances, but right now? I don't even care. I dunno why, is it an overload? Do I really just not care anymore? Is his a healthy response? Will everything work out? Will everything blow up? Who knows... Not I. So does it matter? No. Good night... and good luck.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ.

Day 45

2009-11-01T07:17:00.001-08:00

Completely missed today, Friday, blogging. Ugh. Doesn't matter, I'll try to get up on it later. May not happen though.

Actually, I better catch up on this. It was an important day. I kissed Jenna today, for the first time. A lot of stuff happened tonight, fun stuff, good stuff. This was the day before Halloween. I'll get it tomorrow. I promise, it's 4am. I got class in 3 hours. Eff.

Alright so it's been over a week again, this sucks lol

I don't really member much of the day except for that we went to the dance for a while. Ali and Dani were being kind of stupid this day... Liza and Charlene were dressed up in their angel and devil costumes. Funny that Charlene was the angel... haha. Ryker was some mad scientist and being really annoying actually. We were going to go to Haunted Lagoon today but the line was so freaking long, it was ridiculous. Liza and Charlene said they didn't want to go for sure, so it would have just been Me, Julia, and Jenna, which wouldn't have been bad but the wait was forever and there was a bunch of stuff going on at school so we just got a ticket and left. There was trunk-or-treat which I was supposed to help out with for Hip-Hop club... oops. Haha. We walked over to the CAC and saw it and we left cause Jenna was afraid of looking weird because it was only little kids haha. Hmmm after that we went to see Harry Potter I think, Charlene and Liza were doing something else but they came in the middle of it. During the movie I held hands with Jenna :) Underneath the seats... ha. And she kept losing her flip-flops over the railing lol In the middle of the movie she went to talk on the phone with Scott, I thought she like left or something but she had just sat back in the corner or something. After a while she came back, I thought something was up but she said that there wasn't. Anyways, after we watched the movie I forget what we did... Oh I remember that after Trunk or Treat Julia, Jenna, and I went to watch Glee Club in my courtyard before the movie. After the movie though... I think we went to the dance. It was a buck and it was pretty decent. We came in right when all the clubs were doing the dances, and the Hip-Hop one was pretty sick. Hmmmm after the movie what did we do? Not sure... Somehow everyone left us and it was just Julia, Jenna, and I. We went to the beach I think and began watching She's The Man? I guess Julia was really tired or something and left... We walked her back, Jenna and I weren't tired so we went back I guess. We went to the grassy area next to the showers and we layed there for a while, talking... then kissing. lol It was a pretty amazing night. We had that little banter before we kissed, where we looked each other in the eyes and she asked me what the way she does, and I said nothing the way I do. And this time she said, no it was something, and I said maybe and said the same thing to her... And somehow I asked her what better than she asked me and she just said I could show you better than I could explain to you, and then... I kissed her. Ha. It was pretty awesome is all I gotta say, we definitely did not watch the rest of She's The Man. I'm not sure how late we stayed out, but it was fairly late. That was a good night, before all the worries, and stress. We went home, held hands, and I walked her home. And I just went to bed, happy as a clam. Haha. I guess that was a pretty memorable night, since I remember quite a bit of it. Lucky me ;)

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 44

2009-10-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

Man I need to find a better time to blog I guess, this one is for yesterday... It's 5pm lol

Hmmm what all happened? Yesterday was good! Let's see if I can remember it...

Woke up at like 9:30 right when self-defense was about to start since marketing was canceled. So I got there at like 10:10 lol I was super slow, we were watching a a movie. It was some stupid movie too, it was super corny. I did my Book of Mormon homework in it. I was going to miss lunch and breakfast again stupid. I need to find some time to sack and see if what Jeff said is right, if I can sack it then come back and eat it later. Anyways went to Book of Mormon, got there super early, Emika sat by me. We didn't say a word to each other the entire time. Left, went to astronomy and that again was boring, then went to economics. Steph and I taught the class, we didn't really talk at all though. We separated afterwards and then I went to my room for a while I think. I went to the library for a bit because I had already missed lunch and hung out with Jenna, she had to leave at 3 to do laundry so I went to my room for about half an hour and ate some shrimp cup noodles haha. I went to psych for, sat by Sara. She was kind of being gay. She was like, Champ I'm gonna charge you for using my book. WTF? I don't get to use my book when I want to so if you're gonna borrow it. Wow. Ask for it back idiot. I should charge you for using my boogie board, what a faggot. Anyways that class got out way early and I think we all went to eat dinner together, Charlene, Liza, Jenna, Julia, and Ali. Afterwards we left and actually played tennis. We wanted to play badminton but stupid freaking brackets were made the day before when I was taking my econ test. So Julia and Jenna and I went to play tennis because we wanted to, DJ wanted to play racket ball so him and Ali went. We played tennis for a while, Jenna is pretty horrible haha. But it was lots of fun, DJ and Ali came by later. It was a tiny bit awkward I guess, I was sitting on the benches at the side cause I was tired, Jenna was doing homework. Ali was sitting on my right... Anyways. After a long time, I decided to go shower, Liza came in right as I decided that so we left to my lounge together so we could do our homework. I just changed and came down, and we did my statistics homework so she could know what was on it for hers... we ended up finished at 10, she couldn't start hers. Eff. I felt really bad cause she had pretty much just done my homework for me and she didn't do hers. Liza's pretty amazing though she didn't care haha. I think out of all the new friends I made Liza is probably my favorite. I guess Jenna too though haha, but for different reasons I suppose? Anyways, after a while they finished tennis, and came into the lounge and we decided we were going to the beach. Jenna and Julia and DJ and Ali went home. Dani was like really angry at something and didn't want to talk or hang out with us. We decided to go to the beach again, I tried to get Jenna and Julia to come. I even brought Jenna a cookie from when she said she wanted one from earlier lol Julia had homework, Jenna was previously obligated with Rusty I guess, Dani seemed like she hated me at that moment. Ali, Matt, Charlene, Liza, and I ended up going. It was pretty fun, it started out really cloudy but cleared up around 2ish. Jenna texted me at like 1:30 but I didn't notice because my phone was in Liza's purse. I wish I had cause she had been thinking about coming over after hanging out with Rusty. I texted her at 2, but I guess she was already asleep :( Liza and Charlene left at like 3ish, Matt, Ali, and I fell asleep for like an hour. Then Matt left, and then I decided we should leave too like half an hour after him. Ali actually has a lot of character, personality, and past experiences. Kind of surprising I guess... I know, that's horrible to say. We didn't make out tonight lol Glad to say that's not all our relationship anymore, she's a pretty nice girl. Anyways we shook out the towels, I had already sent my laptop with Matt. We walked home, chatted a bit on the way back. I walked her to her dorm, and then went to my room and sleep.

Whitney... is pretty much ridiculous. I don't even understand what's going on in her mind anymore, obviously she either doesn't think anything up or she doesn't care enough to try to acknowledge it. I don't even know what to do with her, everyone's the same in my life I guess. Whenever I get close to anyone, friendship wise or otherwise, I get screwed. Maybe I'm just meant to not be close to anyone ever again. I guess the closest friend I've kept this whole time is Katie. And we hardly talk, we're hardly friends by definition actually. Just friends by default, she has Tony. Lea was my default best friend for a while but I guess we just were too distant, and then eventually just forgot about each other... I guess now I'm scared haha. I'm at an awkward stage... again. Past experience, Emily and Emika. Current circumstances, Jenna, Dani, Ali. Future? Who knows... Ali sounds like she wants us to actually have a relationship, but again she has a boyfriend... lol Jenna? I'm pretty sure I like her, but how much? Enough to want to be in a relationship with her? She has a boyfriend too... Haha. Dani... she's great. I love her, why does she like me? I know I ask myself this anytime someone likes me, especially when it's not someone I like in the first place because I'm not attractive physically or personalitywise unless I like a person and only that person would find me attractive is what I feel like. Anyways, life's getting pretty effed up again. Let's hope it doesn't get too super bad again huh? Life's pretty swell considering everything that's happened, is happening, and I know will happen.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 43

2009-10-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

So I just found out I don't have marketing tomorrow and so I procrastinated this blog till 3AM. I'm really sad I didn't write for the past 2 days, everything is already becoming a blur to me, some big stuff happened on Sunday and Monday too! I still plan on trying to get it out... We'll see I guess.

So woke up late, 11:10AM. Dangit Liza! Just call me, no texts! lol Anyways, missed breakfast, missed devotional, lazed around, blasted some music, showered, went to Statistics like 20 minutes late. Facebooked the whole time, I'm definitely effed when I take my statistics test this week or next haha. Probability I know nothing about! Anyways... Ali texted me about lunch so Braden, Ali, and I ate with Bart and friends. We really need to home teach, ugh. Kind of not looking forward to that lol So lunch ended... not 100% sure what happened. I think Liza was in class? Jenna was studying or something. I feel like I ate lunch with her, but no I didn't. Actually. lol Man writing late at night throws me off... Anyways, I guess I was texting her during lunch and after we finished eating I went to go find her in the library to help her study for the economics test. I went to her little corner and snuck up on her to scare her, she was asleep. Haha. Silly girl. So basically we went through every practice quiz from chapters 20-23. It took decades, I don't think I've ever studied that long for a regular test before. It was nice though, Julia came some time during our study session. We actually got a lot done, I thought I was just going to be a distraction lol So they went to eat dinner super early or something cause they had cause they had stuff to do, home teaching, some meeting, then study group for economics. As we were leaving I look over the edge of the railing and see Jerald and Elisha, so I whisper Jerald loudly and duck. He looks around wondering who it is, so I do that to him a few times, then Elisha sees me and laughs, so I start giggling too. Game over. lol Jerald came up and tried to stalk us, but we out ninja-ed him! So we went to eat at like 5, I wanted Liza to come but she didn't want to :( Luckily, going early with them I went and for the first time didn't see any of those girls! Sweet. Unfortunately they had to leave me, their other friends had already left. Luckily, Jeff came over and sat with me. He's actually pretty decent guy, he's a lot nicer than first impressions let on I guess haha We talked about class, missions, my recent conversion, school, we talked about a lot. It was a decent conversation. After we finished, I left headed to my dorm, it was pretty close to 6ish, a little after. So I went to my room and charged my laptop, and facebooked or something until it was time for the study group. I was a couple of minutes late, but just in time for the information I needed. Jenna was already there and there was a seat next to her so I sat by her. The information Mike went over seemed pretty much review, mostly. So I was feeling fairly confident, I knew it was going to be a hard test though because of all the equations, terms, and stuff that had to be memorized. After he finished, Jenna and I were first up and out, too bad we went to long way around haha. Stephanie wasn't in the study group at all, I don't think she even took the test today. Oh well her loss. Anyways, we got there and I put my stuff in her backpack and we go in the testing center and fricking the lady takes like years to get over to us and put in our passwords for the test. I start the test and immediately realize, this test is going to take a lot longer. It has 60 questions instead of 40 or 50. But more importantly, it was taking me nearly 15 seconds a question, and maybe a minute for the ones that involved math. Man I was going to be there for forever, so much for the 10minutes I told Liza I would take lol It ended up taking me half an hour, holy crap. I finished the test, and was like wow... That test was freaking hard, and long, and I should have went back over the test to check a few answers I knew I got wrong but I was just sick of it and didn't. Luckily, Jenna and I felt confident so I looked back as I got up and mouthed, "Good luck," to her. I ran into a problem after turning in my test... I got an 85% by the way, so pretty good I guess. But problem, I forgot which one her backpack was... Haha. The testing center was jam-packed. I was so screwed. I searched through a few backpacks thinking it would be awkward if one of the owners of the bags I was looking through walked by and saw me. So after a few bags I left, went to the library and saw Jeff, so I asked Jeff if I could use his cellphone to call Steph to tell Liza I would be a bit longer... Ha funny story, I called, she picked up, "Hey!" I reply "Ummm hey Steph." Her response? "Oh.... hey...." Haha. What a douche. lol Anyways she sounded stupid so I just told her what I wanted her to tell Liza, I went back to the testing center, turned off someone's stupid alarm on their phone that kept going off, then searched some more, and finally found my stuff! I called up Liza, we decided to meet up in my lounge so she could sign up for classes. I brought my laptop down, we started signing up, then I realized hip-hop club meeting was just starting so I went to that and Liza came with me, Charlene had gotten to the lounge a while after us and was then just going to stay there I guess. On our way to the ballroom she called and I guess she was coming with us, they ended up going to Open Mic together. At the hip-hop club there was a lesson about tagging, we got sheets of paper and markers. I made a paper airplane, and so did Jerald. His sister made me this cool thing of my name though! Anyways, hip-hop went a little over timewise, cause we were watching a couple people show off at the end. I was going to watch some opec mic with them but got there right as it ended, so they came over to my lounge with me, Dani was just finished her relief society thing, perfect timing. Liza helped me apply for another job, also in the cafeteria. Charlene went back to her hale to make sandwiches, Dani was coming over with peach cobbler. 11PM rolled by too soon, so we had to leave, I signed out, picked up my stuff and we went back to the girls dorms. We decided to actually go to the beach! Yay! Well Dani didn't she went to her room to study :( Poo. 11:10 came up and I was like dude, I should go yell at Jenna's window for her to come to the beach! So at 11:11 I did, perfect timing. Jenna came, and Julia did too with a little persuasion I suppose. So Jenna, Julia, Liza, Charlene, Matt and I went to the beach! We walked over to Temple Beach, layed our towels down, played some jams, stargazed. Charlene, Liza and Matt were semi-sleep and spooning haha. Julia and Jenna had to leave at one to do homework I guess :( So we all left at 1. We dropped them off at their dorms, walked back to ours, and now here I am.

So basically... today was... good. Very good even.

Whitney... texted me today. Haha. More than the 11:11 texts for once. She finally told me about Jake tonight, how long's it been? 3 weeks? Nearly a month? Then she asks me the stupidest thing in the world, oh how did you find out? Ha. Ha. Ha. Haaaa.... Wow Whitney. Wow. I can not believe you honestly asked me that, where were you when I was having problems with Emily again? This MUST be a new girl, I knew the girl I loved wasn't so stupid, so hypocritical, so disloyal, and so naive. So I just told her the only important thing was that I didn't find out from her, she gave me some crap excuses before I said that. "I had a letter prepared for you like a month ago but I had some extra stuff to add, actually I've been really busy, blah blah blah." Like I haven't heard that before. Like I haven't heard that before from the same girl she promised to never become, and she's become exactly that girl. Choice for choice, action for action. Yay Whitney! You topped Emily, both Emilys. You knew better, you had the example of what not to be, you had every other choice. You knew exactly what not to do, and you did exactly that. All of it. I congratulate you on this amazing feat. I was sure I picked better, I was sure no one could do as much damage as Emily, I was sure I couldn't have that bad of luck. I was wrong.

Helen hasn't talked to me at all. I think she's mad at me... Yeah yeah I know, over analyzing, assuming things, whatever. I should try to talk to her tomorrow. She is my best friend and all... I guess I don't treat her as well as I should, she does put up with me. That's saying a lot...

Breeanna! Gosh she's coming to visit me for nearly 100% sure now, Dec 3-7 I think? Still have class :( She's bringing Sam and Monica with her now I think though... I guess I'm a little disappointed. I'll be glad to see them too I guess, but I just wanted alone time with one of my best friends. It's not the same I guess, with her girlfriends and me. Oh well... Beggars can't be choosers haha...

Jake, I'm kind of disappointed in him honestly. Not too much, but kind of a little. I wish he had told me about Whitney, it would have been second best hearing from him. Oh well.

Ali and I had a mini-chat after lunch, and we straightened things up a bit. Hopefully that'll fix any future problems that may have arisen from Sunday night's long talk on the beach.

Jenna... Jenna. Jenna. Ha. Heroine? So what do I say? Jenna found my blog today. I wasn't really expecting anyone to find it from here, I expected a few people to find it from back home, actually more than who have found it already. Seems kind of funny, since the past few days I've written about her a lot, a lot more than I remember haha. She read over all the blogs pretty much from this week, ha. I felt kind of embarassed to be honest. So she read over all of them and I asked her what she learned, she said something like you write a lot, or something. Then she said, you like too many girls. Haha. So harsh, yet so true. So I was sure that was it, she had read the part about where I was beginning to like her, I mean I know she has a boyfriend at Provo, well since yesterday I found out for sure. So I just assumed eh, that's a lost cause. It's really weird writing this... I'm half-expecting her to be reading this haha. So Jenna, if you are reading this... Read on knowing that it is 4am and I may not really be comprehending what my fingers are spelling out. Anyways, on our beach escapade I was just expecting all of us to lay there and watch stars, but Matt, Charlene and Liza kind of separated a little lol So basically it was Julia, Jenna and I on one side of the towels. Well... we held hands. This kind of kills me lol I just hope... this isn't Emily and Emika all over... again for like the 5millionth time in my life. Haha. So I'm unsure of what to do, how to feel, what Jenna feels, actually what I really feel, and how to act. I guess I just have to put trust and faith into her, that she won't pull an Emily on me. I just have to hope that she won't play me, that she'll be straight up with me, that things will work out well. I really can't afford to go through all that all over again. Because honestly, I'm just running out of people. Period.

Sarah... is talking to me on facebook. Hmmm... I don't really have any resentment towards her anymore, I guess she wasn't much compared to more recent events. Well I guess she lucked out huh?

Charlene... such a weird girl. She's great, but sometimes she can be a jerk too. In some ways I feel really close to her, in others I just wonder why I even talk to her about anything. Ah well, I guess I got Liza, if I can ever get her alone again. Liza and Charlene are together more than Jeff thinks Steph and I are haha.

So... here I am. Awkward position as always. Who do I like? Who likes me? Who do I trust? Who do I forgive? Who do I want as my friends? What do I do? Where do I go from here? Awwwww man. So many questions, so much out of my control. So I feel like my blog is about to leak, not sure if I can write about people anymore, I've somewhat tried to be ambiguous, except on a few occasions. Mostly using just first names, but it's not hard to figure out. Haha it's a bit more awkward to write when you know that people you are writing about are reading. I had a great time tonight at the beach, we know why. I won't say her name here cause all she does is scan for her name lol So unless she actually truly reads them she won't catch this. I want my life to just be normal, my life always seems to have people who too many problems out of the norm. I like it, I love it, I love helping people, I like to make people feel better, I love talking, I like it when people come to me for help. Sometimes things are just crazy, like there's no way I can know these people and then there's that unfathomably wide range of issues that are attributed to them. I love my friends, I wish I could just do everything for them, I hate that they make mistakes, I hate that sometimes those mistakes cost them, I wish I could just make it all go away and be better. There's my wish for 11:11.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 42

2009-10-27T04:33:00.001-07:00

Again... a long day. I know I've skipped blogging like twice now... but I think I'm gonna have to skip for today. Write about it later. And yesterday too.

A week later and here I am trying to recollect. Here's my sad attempt.

I woke up late, barely made it to marketing. Did capsim in it. Ate breakfast, went home, did book of mormon homework. Went to self defense, didn't do anything because we were supposed to watch a movie but didn't. Went to astronomy, went on facebook the whole time. Went to economics, got out, went home. Dunno what I did. Ate dinner. Slept.

I dunno, man that's a day gone that I won't ever remember now. I'm gonna try harder not to skip!

Wait I remember some more, we went to FHE. Liza and Charlene and I went, we were hanging out before hand. We ended up being late and missing the entire lesson part of it, we played Mafia. I was the first person hung. Great. Love my ward. Haha. Jonny and Gwen were there. Uh Lauren tried to talk to me that day, lol so funny. She complimented me and stuff. Whatever. I had a limbo competition haha. I won.

I dunno, that day seemed pretty chill. Nothing major happened, I know I saw people in the cafe, but whatever I don't even care anymore. There's my pathetic recollection...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 41

2009-10-26T08:32:00.001-07:00

Uh yeah... I'll post it later. 5:30 AM right now and I'm freaking tired as heck. Gonna get a 1 hour nap I guess.

So I missed church. I'm not even sure what all I did today. I'm posting about like 4 days ago. So I missed our Service Council meeting before church that ended up being canceled anyways. After that I lazed around for a while, went to dinner with peoples. It was jampacked in the cafeteria, I think it was fast Sunday actually, don't really remember. We played cards after dinner, a bunch of us in our lounge. Some guy got mad at us for playing music on the Sabbath and I saw him making out with this chick a bunch of times. I was like dude, shut up and respect the Sabbath lol I don't quite remember what we did after this, but somehow we ended up going home early, Ali and I ended up hanging out because Dani and Matt couldn't come with us. So we went to the beach and talked for a long long time, I was about to go to bed when she texted me asking if I wanted to do anything. I figured we already had to talk anyways so we could talk then. We got to the beach at like 1ish, and talked about everything. We talked about us, Dani, her life, her situation. She comes from a really rough and tough past, she has a lot of character, and has come through a lot of hardship. I also found out she's a sophomore and nearly 20. lol I guess that's not a big deal, I'm kind of close to being 19. I keep thinking I'm still young like when Morgan and I had that thing, when i was 16 and she was 18, or 19 I forget haha. Anyways we talked, and sat for a while, and she decided she wanted to kiss me. So... she did. And we kind of made out for a little bit. I know if people read this they'll probably be mad... whatever. I guess their opinion doesn't really matter since no one really has a right to judge me anymore. No one in my life has that right anymore I think, a few people are building up to that point, but really no one yet. Anyways after we kissed for a bit the beach was getting super cold and sandy so we went to lay in the grass next to Temple Beach showers but that grass was freaking sharpy and pokey as heck. So at like 5:30 we went home cause I couldn't stand the coldness, grassiness, etc. I was actually pretty exhausted too lol So we went home, I went to sleep for 2 hours or something...

Day 40

2009-10-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

Oh man. What a crazy day. Not even sure, I'm so freaking mentally tired right now. I might actually do 2 posts today, one to clarify and augment everything I write now lol

So it started off... me waking up late. As usual now. I woke up around 1ish? I was getting ready super slow thinking I was going to eat at like 2PM, I walked out of my room, saw Jonny on the way there, he told me it closed at 1:30. Balls. So I went back to my room, made some cup noodles, and waiting for Liza and Charlene to be done with their Hawaiian Club opening social thing, I was thinking about going just for the food but it was all the way past the temple. Too far to walk for me haha So I waited in my room, they finally came back, that was a super long social! They brought me back a burger :) Awww they're so nice. On the way out to get the burger I saw DJ and James, they were talking about giving Limewire a try on James' computer. Liza and Charlene were going to go to some mall, Wayward Mall and get some Halloween costumes. I contemplated going but then decided against it because... I didn't think I wanted to go. So I went to my lounge, chilled for a while, then went to my room. I stayed there till... dinner. Jenna and Braden invited me, I ended up sitting with Braden's table since he invited me first. So... cafeteria... again. Emily and Sara are sitting there as I walk in. We have some... sort of glances, I'm on the phone with Helen so can't really talk to them, or I guess I had an excuse not to. I go get some salad cause the line for the main dish is super long, so I go to Braden's table, which is full. So I set my salad down on a separate table and go back for food/drinks. I come back and Braden says he saved me a seat, a corner seat next to 2 people I didn't know lol Oh well, I sat there. And realizing, holy crap. Emika was sitting at the table across from me. At this point, Emily and Sara left... So I eat and talk for a while, then of all people... Lauren comes, great. I got up to get some food, and by the time I got back she was sitting across from my spot, what was I supposed to do? Ugh. Luckily... Jenna and Julia were sitting behind me! Saved! I sat with them, and explained to them about Lauren, they already knew my life was a coincidence in the cafeteria. Then stupid stalker guy/girl texts me. So basically, I tell Liza this and she goes, well I know Stephanie wasn't there. I was like yeah, but she was the only one. She told me they were together, at the mall lol Glad I didn't go. Liza said this really funny thing though, well maybe if she had known you were coming do you think she would have gone? Ha. So true. Anyways I was freaking out about how gay it was that everyone was there at once again. Dani and Ali sit behind me, I invited them to come out with Julia and Jenna and I but they were ok with sitting together I guess lol So Jenna and Ali decided to go to the 7:00 showing of Twilight instead of the 9:30 one. I invite Dani to come, and eventually she did. After making ridiculous fun of the movie, and texting Emily Culp about it, we came out and decided to go to Foodland. Jenna and Julia wanted to go for candy, Dani and Ali wanted to go because they were going to bake a cake for her birthday, I invited DJ and Ryker to come with. So we all met up at the Aloha Center, and it was lots of fun! I really think I'm starting to like Jenna... crap. Haha. This is the start to half my problems... the other half is when they start to like me, I guess I'm screwed either way it seems huh? Anyways, we do a bunch of cartwheels, round-offs, and clicking our heels together on the way there. We search around for a while and Dani decides to get brownies instead of cake. Good choice! Jenna and Julia get some candy. Then we stop by Taco Bell for food, we ended up losing Jenna and Julia because they didn't want to walk and eat. Dang :( Anyways, we went back, I saw Braden on the way and invited him over. We split up, got our tools together, I got my utensils and computer, Braden preheated the oven. And we were cooking! Dani brought over a bunch of food haha. They got kicked out right as the brownies finished in the oven, we had a fun time getting it out without any hot gloves haha. Stephanie, Liza, and Charlene were still at the 9:30 showing of Twilight. Jenna and Julia were still missing, doing homework I suppose. I put the candles in the brownie batter after letting it sit in the fridge for a couple minutes, I got the bright idea to put Dani's name in candles, it looked ugly. lol And the ends of the candles ended up melting in the brownies... shoot. Haha. We end up walking over to the McKay building because the candles won't light. We sit down on a random bench, Ali, Dani, DJ, Ryker, Braden and I. We eat and play some poker, finally Liza and Stephanie and Charlene find us. They were actually looking for their headbands I guess lol They found them and came back out and joined us, Stephanie left rather quickly. Midnight rolled around, we were like crap we all gotta sign out! So we split up, went back to our Hales, Jenna and Julia said they were going to hang out with us, it made me happy :) So we all met up at the corner benches by our dorm, Ryker was gonna drive us somewhere. There was a bonfire but it was ruled out, we decided we were just going to go to some random beach. Jenna and Julia end up deciding it's kind of late and decide not to come :( Aw man. Then Dani and Ali get held up, I guess her other friends are having a party for her. So it ends up being me, Ryker, DJ, Liza and Charlene. The girls didn't want to go far, ironically we went super far because there were no open beaches. We went to some random sketchy beach that we had to like jump down a little mini-cliff to get to. So we help each other up and down and then after like 10 seconds there, we leave. It was a really cool beach, hopefully we get to go to it during the day sometime. We decided to go to 7-11 to get some food, which was all the way past Laie the other direction lol So I had to pee, I met some interesting homeless people near the bathroom. We got slurpee and this weird watermelon trolli type thing that tasted asian. We go to Foodland and play some scum. After a while, Ryker and DJ wanna go home. When we get to the girls dorm, I say geez I'm not tired and still wanna do stuff, they agree. DJ is still tired and we dropped him off, I got Dani and Ali to come out and play. Ryker had to poop so we waited in the car, and by the time he was done they were ready so we went to pick them up. This is kind of where the night gets blurry because of a bunch of repeated actions. We went by the PCC a few times, our little corner spot. I forget if DJ actually went with us or not. But I just know we played truth or dare app a lot. This is where things got a bit crazy. So at first, pretty sure it was Ryker up front, Ali sitting down, Dani on top of her, then me on the right back seat, Liza on my lap, and then Charlene on the left. We played a bit of truth and dare and realized this was hard to play in a car, so we got out, sat in a circle. Ryker 1, Dani 2, Ali 3, Me 4, Liza 5, Charlene 6. Actually yeah we definitely played before. Cause it was Ryker 1, me 2, Liza 3, and Charlene 4 for a while. I guess we played before we picked up Dani and Ali, but after he pooped. Yeah we got apps on his iPods while he pooped. Anyways, at first we played only a couple of rounds which seemed like decent fun. So we played us 6. A few things came up, like kiss the person on your left blah blah. Then I got a good one... kiss the person on your right for a whole minute, or something like that. So that was Ali... Before just now, I hadn't even noticed Ali. Like during the day or any other time we had hung out, I was attracted to her at all, I hadn't noticed her. This was while we were in the car, I realized we couldn't really kiss at all, so we all got out. Basically... I just did it. Just expecting like a one second thing and then giggles and it was over, it was like... 10 seconds. So the whole game I things were getting worse and worse, like everyone kissed, except Ryker and I lol We ended up even just replacing it with spin the bottle for a bit, I wasn't too into it, and everyone else kind of felt the same way after a while so we went back to that. We played for a long time, then Charlene and Liza wanted to go home, Liza wanted to shower because I had had to stick my tongue in her ear for one of the dares haha. Dani and Ali wanted to do stuff still and so did I, we sort of drove around for a bit, then we went to the PCC spot again and played in his car. Stuff started getting pretty crazy. Basically I misjudged this Ali girl and she's way comfy with herself lol And actually same with Dani. Somehow... I guess I got them both to take off their shirts. Which actually wasn't a big deal, then we got bored of truth and dare. So we went back, and Ali says now I actually wanna do something. We were like eh? I joking said, yeah I wanna make out with you again. And she said okay, but seriously. lol So somehow Ryker turned the car around, we went back to PCC spot and again somehow... her and I left the car. We walked for a while cause I told her she was in control. We walked past the PCC, towards pounders, it was raining and 5am. We both had to pee, neither of us had our cell phones, she made the wise decision to turn around and we went to pee at the Chevron. We lost Ryker we thought, well I thought. I was walking back along the roadway, when she was just like you're ridiculous and somehow we ended up walking to a grassy area next to like a dumpster I guess and in some apartments. And... we just make out. For a while, and it was nice. Not even gonna lie, I missed it. She was freaking aggressive lol So unexpected. I won't go into detail, not like I have been for this entire night part. I'm leaving out buttloads I can tell lol Basically, we did it for a while, then stopped because I realized it was light and people were walking about. She wanted to just keep going, wow. Haha. Anyways after we stopped I realized we had done it like in a bunch of burrs. No bueno. Our hair was messed up, we had dirt all over, burrs everywhere, yeah definitely didn't look like we had been making out lol Luckily, Ryker passed by! Yay Ryker! Apparently, him and Dani only talked in the car. We drove home, dropped them off, then Ryker told me some stuff. I was screwed. Effed in the butt. Again. I realized, Dani liked me, I totally was hitting on her roommate and then went out and made out with her roommate, all on her birthday timeish. I was such a dick. Ugh. This always happens to me, I guess this one is actually more my fault though. I made the conscious decision to just let things go. So here's the synopsis of my life here. Liked Emily, Emika liked me. Both got screwed up, killed me, and I'm trying to avoid now. Like Jenna, not sure if I like Liza or if she likes me. Kind of into Ali, Dani is into me. Effed. This Ali girl is freaking crazy. I had no idea. I can't lie and say I didn't like it, this was my first time ever doing something like this. Heck when we played truth or dare, the worst stuff we got was to get Emily McD to lick her toe. Haha. I guess college is different huh? I was pretty stupid though. How could I have missed that? Only create more problems for myself. What's stupid? She told me she had a boyfriend back home, after. lol Stupid girls... And that she was into this kind of stuff, I was shocked lol She was more aggressive than any girl I've ever been with I think. Even Morgan when she drank wasn't this crazy, she was kind of like just all over me wanting it, Ali was kind of all over me taking it and giving it. lol Wow this sounds really bad, I kind of hope no one reads this haha. Anyways... it's now 9am. Got home 7ish.

What do I do? I'm going to talk to Dani, in person. She's great, I don't want to ruin things between her and I. Well I guess, not ruin things more than I have already. What do I do with Ali? Wow I'm not even sure lol I think I need to have a talk with her too. Jenna? She's a funny girl, I'm really attracted to her personality. And she looks pretty good too! How am I gonna work this out? Liza and Charlene and sort me out! Well... I'll tell Liza anyways haha. Charlene seems a bit more judgemental. Anyways I'm dying of exhaustion. So time to sleep, I may contine this later, or at evaporate; Churhc at 12:20. Yeah right,,, I love BYU.

Good night. Agh. TBC maybe.

Wow so I definitely woke up just now at 4:30PM and found a bunch of random letters typed and the letter G typed like 500 times at the end. Hah I feel like this is what happens when you drink, send random texts, then get a hangover... Haha. Freaking crazy. Missed church, missed lunch.This is the first day of church I've missed actually. Weird. Anyways... I guess I'll wake up now...

Day 39

2009-10-24T07:34:00.000-07:00

A good day!

Started off not so well, I went to bed like 4. Had to get up at 7. I almost didn't go to class again, I was 10 minutes late. Went home but didn't sleep. I played with Capsim a bit. I facebooked. Pretty much did nothing till noon. Somehow it came and I was still 5 minutes late to astronomy, then went to economics. All we did in class was a tutorial for astronomy, then learned terms for chapter 23 in economics. Steph and I separated without much of a word, she had a stomach ache I guess. Anyways I texted Liza later and she came over and we just hung out. Before that though Marco and I tried to get us a job, we went to the physical plant and the career center. No luck. Liza helped me get my resume done and on the website though, now I just gotta search through jobs. We chilled for a long time, downloaded a bunch of music. DJ came out, then finally Charlene woke up. We went to dinner at 6ish, DJ almost ditched out on us and almost went with Emily an hour later. We ended up eating with Jonny's friends, that wasn't all that fun but whatever. At least it wasn't with Sara, Emily and Steph. Jenna and friends came in, in the middle. She had gone to the beach, I was supposed to go with her but I had kind of just been lazing about instead. Anyways she ate with us, Liza and Charlene painted their nails, DJ and I went back to our lounge to watch TV/wait for them. They finally got there, we downloaded more music, Liza stole a bunch. Songfest time came around, they had to get ready. 9oclockish rolled around and DJ and I left for songfest too. On the way there... Steph and Emily met up with us... Apparently, that was a purposeful event, not coincidental. I guess today was good with coincidences, I had only randomly passed Emily once in the hallway during passing, she said hi to me. We got in the CAC after I argued with Kekoa to give me more glowsticks, and Jenna came and found me. I told them to come sit with us, but I told Steph. Stupid choice I know, she never listens to me. Oh well, I'm glad I sat with Jenna, it was way fun. Songfest was great, all the clubs were amazing. I actually got to talk to Jenna, have fun with her, interact. If I had been with them up top, I probably would have been bored out of my mind, getting annoyed, and texted more. Hawaiian Club finally came on and I saw Liza and Emika but no Charlene haha They just left after it finished I guess, they were close to the end, not really. They decided to go to Taco Bell right as it ended and left, Jenna and I decided to go to Foodland to get Icee and meet up with them there. We saw McCall there! It was her birthday at midnight! So all of today! It was fun wishing her happy birthday, we ninjaed her haha After a while we came back, after a bunch of indecision my courtyard was empty so we watched some spider movie called Arachniphobia there. It was sweet, actually I missed like all of the movie. Just spending time with cool people, Liza, Charlene, and Jenna was sweet. Late late, McCall came over and joined us for a bit. She hates no-reason cuddling so apparently, I got a special treatment :) Yay. She stole Jenna away though :( Hah. It was super late, 3:30 or so, Charlene and Liza and I were just laying there talking, then the security comes in and honor codes us. Luckily, they were joking, it was Aaron and his partner again, but they were off duty already. We decided to play it safe and not push it and we all left. Now here I am...

I left out so many things, I'm just super exhausted lol

I was supposed to go to Waikiki with Dani today for her birthday, she never told me when they were leaving. I'm glad it turned out this way :) I'm sure it would have been great, but tonight was pretty sweet.

DJ was a good guy today, he didn't pull an Emily, Steph, Sara by skipping out on me when he said he was going to do something.

Sara and Stephanie and Emily and I didn't talk today.

Helen was texting me this morning, I was sending her crazy texts back that I don't even remember. She went to homecoming today! Apparently it was great! I'm super happy for her. Today is Bothell's homecoming, Jake and Whitney are going together. Today is Jake's birthday too... lol Coincidences right? Ha

Charlene, Liza, and Jenna, are sweet. Thing is I think I might be attracted to Liza and Jenna. Ha crap. Hopefully it's nothing that will turn out like before. It's probably just feelings of regular attraction though, hopefully anyways. I definitely don't wanna go through that again.

I left today so blank :( I feel bad, time for sleep though...

I have no reason to come back home, I guess a few people truly miss me but I can't spend hundreds of dollars, especially for that. It would be different if I had a family that missed me and loved me, a girl that was waiting for me to come back, and a lot of friends who honestly wanted to just see my face again. Right now, I guess there's a few people who want me back... Helen, Bree, Katie? All 3 of them are already coming to visit me... lol No point going back. Good-bye forever Washington?

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 38

2009-10-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

A very weird day, but overall. Good again.

Started off with me being woken up by Dani for breakfast. I got there late lol After breakfast we went to the library to do our capsim simulator. Rusty met us there after 10:20 when his class got out, Natalie couldn't make it cause of soccer practice or something. We did that for a while, we did a bunch of extra rounds I guess. Emika was sitting right on the corner computer and we caught a few glances at each other... A bit awkward I guess. Since I was behind the glass in one of those rooms. Then noon came around and I went to Statistics, Braden had slept in apparently. We learned a lot of important things during class today, I didn't learn any of them. Oops. Anyways, I was on Facebook, talking to Jenna, messing with one of Liza's friends, then class ends. I text up Jenna and it's time to hit the cafeteria. Who else is there but... Emily and Sara, I tell Jenna it's ok that we sit with them so we do. Sara is all happy and whatever, same as always. Emily, quiet, blah blah. Who walks in later? Emika... Hurray! She sat far away from us. Then who else... uh I think Steph came too. Yeah she did. Then Lauren came in. Ha. Anyways I'm explaining this real bad cause it's real late, but the whole day was pretty freaking ridiculous. Sara and Emily left first, Braden was still eating. Jenna and I left, we met up with her roommate in the library and she started doing her essay, sort of. lol We facebooked mostly, I messed around with Liza's friend some more. Then after a while her battery was going to die so we left, and then separated. I got home, pretty much right away fell asleep. I was tired, woke up 2 hours later. Liza texted me saying we should go to dinner, so I went. I couldn't find them so I ate with Gerald and Braden and friends in the back corner. Emily and Sara were there, didn't see anyone else but I'm sure everyone else was there too... lol They found me and we ate some dessert together, then we left. We went to their Hale, I stood by the light pole on the corner, a couple was getting honor coded for pda I guess! It was ridiculous... but pretty funny at the same time. They weren't even doing anything! I swear... Anyways, after a while Liza comes out first, and we stand around talking to the couple on the bench who got honor coded. After a few moments, Emily walks by. Wow what a dick she was. She walked few inches from me, without looking up, walked right by and didn't say a word. Gave me the coldest shoulder ever. Ha she's the one who wants to be treated like a human? She gives me the worst treatment ever, at least she's real though I guess. A few moments later, Sara and Steph and some others pass us. Freaking Stephanie comes up to me and tries to kick me, wtf. She's retarded. Always pissy about if I touch her, she's so gay. Sara, OH HEY CHAMP. Wow... I hate them all so much. Emika, I'm just disappointed. That could have turned out well, that may very well have actually been my fault. Although the way she is acting now is completely under her control. Anyways Charlene came back a few minutes after finally. Liza saw how stupid everyone acted towards me, honestly I think Liza is the only one who really sees what I go through. Like literally, sees it. Not just "understand" or whatever. She knows how to solve it, so do I. I just can't, solution? Care less. Champ? Not possible. Anyways... we head to my Hale, and when we get in, it smells amazing. Matt and everyone are cooking the fish they caught, they tasted great! Super bony though... Anyways we chilled there for a while, DJ, Matt, Charlene, Liza, others. Then Charlene and Liza had to leave for Hawaiian club, but Dani and her roommate were coming over so no big! We had been playing Spades but DJ and I freaking owned Charlene and Liza. When Dani and her roommate came he went to finish his essay, we played phase 10 with a couple of random guys who kept coming and going. We made burnt popcorn, it was nearly 11PM. They still weren't back from Hawaiian club, they messed around with me saying that they were at a party and had left in some guys car. lol JERKS! It was pretty funny though, seeing as how it would have been quite ironic if they had left, because that's what Sara, Emily, and Steph would have done. After we got kicked out, from it being 11 they decided to go to Foodland for stuff. I went with them, DJ decided to come for an energy drink, Matt came but waited for Pono and left on longboards so they beat us there. On the way we saw Jenna and friends. We got some food, I got peachios, and a Strawberry Icee for Charlene which I drank most of by the time we got back. Liza and Charlene didn't want to go to Foodland, stupid :( Anyways we went to get Taco Bell for Dani and walked back, DJ left already. We got back, Liza and Charlene came out we went to my Hale to get my laptop. Saw Jonny and friends in the courtyard, then we found a safe spot to watch Nightmare Before Christmas. It was by the stake center, next to the TVA. After watching it halfway through, Aaron, a guard, came by and just told us to go somewhere where he couldn't see us. I asked where that was, lol stupid Champ... he told us in the McKay building by the classrooms! lol Sweet. So we went there, finished out the movies, everyone was pretty much out. Liza and I were awakeish. Movie ended, we got back to our dorms around 3AM. I saw DJs door open and light on so I went to visit him, he was passed out haha. He was sprawled in his bed, head in the corner. Jonny was nowhere to be found. I peed in their bathroom, came up here. Here I am.

Whitney, tried to talk to me today. Maybe. After me saying how worthless wishes were she asked why I was in a crappy mood? I gave her some lame excuse which she either bought, or didn't care enough about. Again doesn't really matter huh?

Helen, sort of tried to talk to me today. I guess she talked to me when I was busy though. Maybe it seemed liked I was blowing her off again, I dunno.

DJ, again. Realized how stupid the girls are. I sent him an urban dictionary, the term was "selective fatigue syndrome" haha FRICKING HILARIOUS.

Dani and roommate, I forget her name, she's cool. Weird a little... But overall nice. Dani is way tight.

Jenna and roommate, also forget. Also cool, also weird... Again overall nice. Jenna is pretty amazing.

Matt, cool guy.

Ryker, kind of a douche, but in an overly compensating way I guess.

Sara, Emily, Steph. No need to separate them today... Basically, I hate them right now.

Charlene and Liza, my best friends right now :) Especially Liza!

Marika, is sending me her old digitial camera! Yay! I love my friends :D

Emika, wow. She's just being as stupid as the other girls. She may as well be their friends again though.

Well today was pretty messed up to be honest, this blog really didn't capture that and tell the story well. I was freaking out and giggling my heart out all during lunch lol I spent the day with everyone today, it was great. Ever since I stopped hanging out with them, like plain outright stopped. It's been better, I've met more people, I've made more friends, I'm having a much better time.Too bad it isn't all better huh? I still feel bad, I still cringe a bit when I think about it. I still feel jealous, I still feel gyped, I still feel used and abused. But, what can I do? Absolutely nothing, I've thought about it. I tried being proactive, reactive, passive, aggressive, you name it. Maybe it's just me, or just them and how they view me, or whatever. Maybe it just is the way it is is what I'm saying. Whatever people suck.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 37

2009-10-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

Again, a good day, mostly.

lol Sleeping late is a bad idea for me, I slept in. Woke up just as marketing had ended, oops. So I got ready for class, did my Book of Mormon homework very crappily. I left at like 9:55, right as the cafeteria was closing down for sack meals! Ahhh I ran over there, got my food, the cashier person wasn't there so I just left. I walked to self-defense a bit late, turns out we had mid-terms today. I got to grade everyone, we all passed haha. Easiest mid-term ever. Then went to Book of Mormon, a little late cause I went to change since we got let out early of self-defense. Emika was sitting in a different spot, next to people. Uh... I sat by some random girls, they were nice. Emika and I didn't talk. I went to Astronomy, boring. Internet didn't work. Gay. We did some stupid tutorial. Went to economics, it was alright. Long lesson, seemed to pass right over my head. After Steph and I went to check mail, my stupid dad keeps messing with the bank, I got a letter personally from one of them and now I have to return a freaking letter to them. Anyways after that, Steph and I just separated. I went to my room for a little bit to charge up my laptop before 3 hour psych. I went right as class started, I was gonna sit in my normal spot but Sara had moved over to the right a spot, and asked if I was going to sit next to her so I did. Again facebook. We got let out super early though, like 5:30 or something. So we planned out Haunted Lagoon. Dinner first, then meet up with everyone, then leave for the lagoon. So I texted everyone up and a bunch of us ate dinner, then we met up in front of Hale 2. We all walked over to the PCC, we had a hard time just finding the ticket line, and even the attraction line. Finally after waiting in line, they told me my ticket was 10 bucks, wow. Gay. I decided just not to go, along with Gerald. After a long bit of debating and arguing, Emily and Liza went back in line since they had annual passes and got free tickets. We waited in line for like 2 hours. It was alright though, minus when Emily flipped a beezy at me. Honestly, what's her deal? I can handle all of them alone, once any of them get together it just falls apart, like they have some secrets and some kind of relationship I don't understand or something. Hanging out with Rusty, Gerald, Braden, Caralie, Jenna, others, and the normal group was pretty great though. Jenna is pretty awesome actually. Anyways, we got near to the beginning of the ride. And the people in front of us were like, hey can you not yell please? I was like... wtf. It's a haunted lagoon, you're stupid. After taking a before picture, we got on the canoe and what do they do? Scream. Stupid idiots. Just like the stupid idiots I call my friends. Say one thing, then do another. Anyways, the ride was pretty sweet! I got soaked... haha. I sat up front and Caralie and I held each other for safety haha. I think it was actually worth the wait, and may possibly have been worth the 10 bucks if I had paid it... During the wait, after Emily got all pissed at me for making fun of Sara using Blackle and thinking it was a viable energy solution, the line was awkward and we just were as far apart as possible. After the ride, Sara, Emily, and Steph just bailed. They're so gay... We went to Taco Bell, where I drank all of Gerald's drink haha. His sister ended up walking by when I was outside, what a coincidence lol After spending time there we walked back to campus, realizing I had like 40 minutes to take my economics test and do my psych assignment I was frantic. Jenna came over and helped me get a decent score! Dani came over too! We did our work for a while, then after that we watched Step-Up2 from her netflix. Stupid security came and kicked us out from our safe spot... gay. And now... here I am.

Whitney... texted me today. Short worthless exchanges. Oh well. She can do what she wants, it's her life. Obviously I'm not a part of it anymore.

Helen... unfortunately we didn't get to talk today. Since I got back home at 1AM. I feel bad again, don't want her to feel like I'm brushing her off. I guess that's kind of what I'm doing though huh? Meh

Jenna, she's pretty sweet. And short. Haha. She likes to play those painful games! Like bloody knuckles and stuff haha. This girl's a lot cooler than I thought lol.

Braden, cool to hang out with, cool to be in stats with, too bad about... Lauren. Haha.

Gerald, Obama as my best friend? Score.

Dani, also pretty sweet. Glad she's in my group for marketing. She's actually pretty fun now that she isn't so shy around me. I want to hang out with her more.

Stephanie, such a smart girl. She knows how to play her sides. Props to her for that, she's pretty jerkish to me though.

Sara, what can I say? Fine and even fun to be around by herself. Sometimes. Again, when she gets added to the mix, everything goes gay.

Liza, she's super nice! Way better than my other d-bag friends.

Charlene, she's like a little baby haha. She had to be dragged on the ride.

DJ, kind of gay today. He didn't come with us, dunno what he was doing. Maybe it would have been better if he had been there to entertain those 3.

Matt, also kind of gay. He didn't answer his phone either.

Emily... wow. Haha. I was so grateful to her for her taking the time to get in line again and get new tickets. But then she flipped out on me. If DJ had made that same comment about Sara's usage of Blackle thinking that it would save the earth she wouldn't have done a thing. She freaked out, then stupid Stephanie palm-faces me. Wtf? I hate them.

Actually, dunno how I consider that a good day. I guess I just don't caer as much about the bad anymore. Maybe that's a good sign? Maybe I'm taking things less to heart and sealing my soul and emotions back up? After they got ripped out by Emily and strewn and scattered all over the place it's just been easier for me to let my emotions show. Then new emotions appeared for Whitney and Emily. More anger at Emily, more expectations? I dunno how to say it. Whitney? Man... she should just listen to some Relient K songs.

Again I'd like to re-emphasize that I'm not as important as I make other people in my life. I don't really matter to anyone, for real. I guess I need to find some way to get that through to myself. I wish I could be a stronger person emotionally, maybe this is just a phase and I'll be able to go back to pre-Emily stage. Wouldn't that be nice? I was a nice person outwardly, I was able to withstand people's stupidity without calling them out on it, I was kind, I was well-liked, I was a confident and outspoken upstanding young gentleman. Now I'm only polite when no one is looking, I'm only polite in the subtle ways that no one will ever see, I call people out for being stupid, I'm super well liked by many, hated by others, I'm confident in different ways than before, and now I don't even feel as righteous as before. I'm taking 1 step forward and then like 10 backwards, I feel like I built myself up to my highest point right before Emily. During that ordeal, it kind of stagnated, then plummeted. Who's gonna be that one to change me back? No one I know as of yet... I'm starting to get to know everyone again... So it better be soon that I find someone, or else I'll have to wait until the new freshman get in... Ha. I hate my life.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 36

2009-10-21T05:21:00.000-07:00

A pretty good day! Aside from sleeping in and missing breakfast, devotional, and doing my devotional extra credit.

I woke up a little before noon, went to take a shower. Realized my computer hadn't been plugged in last night and was probably nearly dead. So I plugged it in, let it charge got ready a bit slowly, left late to class. Arrived, he was actually already teaching. Braden was there doing his Doctrine and Covenants homework, I facebooked. After class, which was actually kind of long today we went to lunch. We ate with Ariana, she was kind of weird about it. Of course, Sara and Emily were there, I decided not to eat with them, why should I? What's the point, they're just going to be pmsy anyways. I can't believe they think they're in the right in this situation, Emily makes the biggest assumptions and Sara is just freaking bipolar. After class, I went to my lounge and chilled... for a long time I think. After a while I called Kristyn about the treasurer thing, apparently I called just before she had turned it in with her brother as treasurer, oops. Apparently I have to actually do stuff... balls. Hip hop club treasurer having to do work? Preposterous. I got to meet this girl Charlie, her real name is Jennifer. She was cool, she had like 5 names haha. Her name is longer than mine! She's pretty cool. Gerald and Kristyn left for her class so it was just her and I sitting in the Aloha Center for a while, I thought it was going to be a little awkward but it was actually alright, she's pretty chill and relax. I guess we were gonna go to dinner, but her roommate was asleep and I wasn't actually hungry so I suggested we just go back to my lounge which we did, but then her roommate passed her on the way back hah. So they went to eat, hopefully I get to know her. After forever, Liza finally got off class and came over then DJ came somehow. Matt was actually going to cook the fish he caught for me, but I guess tomorrow. We waited for Marco to get me so that we could go to Kaneohe with him, but he had already left without telling me lol Stupid Marco, so we stayed and chilled for a bit, Matt was there also. We sat and downloaded music, then Charlene came and she was starved so we went to dinner. We got food, then Sara and Stephanie come... lol And Ryker. New guy, he's cool I guess. Matt and him seem to hate each other, but are good friends at the same time. Haha... I dunno how I always see them in the cafeteria now that I don't even try to eat with them. I kind of wanted to leave, so I ate a little bit more, got up to go and DJ, Matt, Charlene, and Liza got up too, perfect. I guess Charlene had to check mail so we went to the post office, then she had to pee so we went to the bathrooms, so did I. I had DJ check the bowling prices, they were half off tonight! Sweet. Rusty said there was badminton intramurals tonight though! Dude, we decided to do that. We had to get changed into shoes and stuff for it, so we all went back and changed, except Matt had to take some biology test I guess so he left. DJ and I went to change and stuff, it was freaking wet outside. It rained to tears like all day today, the wettest I've even seen it. Literally rained the whole day. DJ and I ran to the old gym, found out badminton was next week. Gr. Stupid Rusty. So I called Liza and told her change of plans, and we decided we would bowl. DJ wanted to do basketball, I kind of wanted to do Aikido. Oh well, we met up with the girls at the Aloha center after I got my shoes and stuff. We took forever, we kept getting sidetracked. We finally got there, and Ryker met up with us. The lanes sucked balls. There was no oil on the lanes, I couldn't even bowl. I guttered everything, until I finally found a way to bowl that didn't have my ball curve at all. I basically threw it, I didn't stick my fingers in any of the holes. That was the suckiest I've ever bowled in my life. It was alright though, hung out with DJ, Ryker, Charlene, and Liza. After two games everyone was tired, I want to work at the gamc center, I wonder if they are hiring. I need to find a job. After we finished, we went to our hale. Ryker drove DJ and I, he got a car today, he's my new best friend, we're gonna go to costco together cause his mom has a membership lol The girls went to go do something, Hawaiian club till like 10:30 ish. So we had to wait for them for like an hour, we chilled in the lounge. I downloaded some more cool music. They got there, we did nothing for a bit, I got massaged, sweet. 11PM came around and they got kicked out, it was pouring still, seemed like our night was over. Charlene had to do homework, somehow we just decided we would play cards under the walkway again. I got the cards out, Charlene was hungry so I made a couple cup noodles. Matt, Charlene, Liza, I and this new girl in my Book of Mormon class hung out with us, her name is Megan. She's pretty cool too. After a while Ryker came out, somehow we all decided we were going to Taco Bell. Ryker drove us, all 6 of us in his 4 seater Camaro, haha. This was almost as bad as Mike's car. They got food, I went to get the coupons from Foodland and Matt got root beer. We chilled for a bit, then drove back. Ryker doesn't have a sticker yet, so I thought we were going to be screwed at the security, luckily Ryker and Matt knew the guy so he let us in. After that, we left each other and there's the end of the night... Overall, good. :)

Here's coincidences of the way...
Lunch? Of course Emily and Sara are there.
Dinner? Of course Sara and Steph are there.
Badminton? Of course we pass Emily while we are on the way to the old gym.
Bowling? DJ invites Emily, says he's gonna tell her to come and just not bring Sara, of course he pussed out and didn't say it. He hangs up the phone kind of dejected, I say "I have a ton of homework, and I'm really tired. Isn't that what she said? Work for word?" All he does is look at me and shake his head. Haha... It's finally hitting him hard the fact that Emily really is cool, and that it's so disappointing when other people ruin it. Good job everyone, realize what I had been grumpy about the past week or two and then feel the same yourself without acknowledging that "I told you so."
Helen? The one text all day that is serious that she sends me, I miss. She texts me twice, I didn't realize and took her second one as the only one and it didn't make sense by itself, so I assumed she was tired or something and told her to go to bed. She read it as me brushing her off, and got kind of mad at me. I didn't realize why at first till I read the text, I guess I shouldn't have told her she should have found a guy to go to Homecoming with. She's mad because I KNOW that she likes me... Okay what am I supposed to do even if that were my fault... She said she wanted to be a friend first, and I joke around with my friends like that all the time. Leave it to chance that I miss her one important text though huh?
Lauren? Saw her at dinner a lot, every time I came back from getting food, she was getting her food so we walked by each other like 10 times. So awkward. She's retarded.
Ryker? Cool kid. A bit annoying, but so is everyone else.
Matt, actually really cool. But reminds me of DJ a bit, kind of... subconsciously annoys me at times.

I'd say today went well, some odd reason I feel like there is this attraction between Liza and I now. I think it's the friend type though, the kind I had with a couple of my friends back at home. Which would be a great thing! It would mean I finally have someone that I can be close to her, where we would flirt, but it would just be a friend type thing so not really flirting I guess? I don't feel like I'm a flirt, but apparently I am.

Mhm looking forward to today... 6 classes. 3 hours with Sara. Some self defense mid-term I guess. Marketing with the Capsim simulations. Book of Mormon, day before mid-terms. Astronomy boring. Economics fun. Psch... ugh. At least I get ice cream... Wonder if I should eat breakfast before or after marketing, I guess question is. Do I want to eat with Emika and Emily and maybe Sara, and not talk to them and be awkward, or eat by myself. Sacking my lunch, dinner no idea. Probably going with Sara and them since I'll already be with them and I can't just leave them. I'm not rude like them... Looking forward to how tomorrow is going to turn out haha. It has potential to be great, but also miserable. Seeing as how I'm only going to get 4 hours of sleep, it's starting to look a bit on the horrible side already ;)

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 35

2009-10-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

A good day. I think, can't really remember what went on today... guess I'll have to recount it and see.

Woke up, fricking exhausted. Bad idea to sleep at 3AM with a 7:30AM class eh? Anyways, made. My alarms went off like 10 times and people were texting me like crazy, I guess that's what finally woke me up. I showered, got ready, it was 7:15. Not enough time to eat, so I went to class first. Marketing was decent. We started our capsim thing, it seems really hard. But it seems like I can just put stuff down and things work out, if all else fails I guess we can do that haha. After class went to breakfast, ate with like everyone. Weird coincidence, at first it was just Braden and I sat with him, but then DJ, Liza, Charlene, and Steph came. I sacked my lunch afterwards and went home. I slacked off, started my Book of Mormon homework like right when my self-defense class started, I did that, rushed to Self-Defense, got there just as class was starting. We did boring stuff in there again, messed with Tai, apparently there is a test on Wednesday? That class was done, for some reason I walked around the long side of the gym and made my walk super long. Stupid... got to class a while after Emika, she was sitting somewhere different, with someone on her left side... And she hadn't picked up a yellow sheet for me... So what now? Emika is pissed at me? She didn't talk to me all of class, I tried to even just make small talk with her. Denied. Good news? I small talked with Sharai for the first time.. ever. Ha. Anyways I left class in kind of a bad mood and went to Astronomy. After getting there I facebooked, we had a tutorial to do. It was stupid. Boring class, got out a few minutes early, went to Microeconomics and went to pee. Steph got there, Brother Wasden got there, I said opening prayer. Class was short and sweet, but complicated. Afterwards Steph and I went to check mail. I finally got my package, it was a huge box and super heavy. Sara wanted my boogie board, Steph had to turn in her notes to Brother Wasden. So I went to my lounge and got my board down for her, she came right as I came. Pretty much she took the board and left, kind of jerky. Especially since I had texted her the night before asking her what she was doing and she never replied, so basically walked in took my board, left. Anyways. I looked in my package which DJ opened for me, speakers, mp3 player, rackets, balls, perfect. My mom did send me everything, stupid. Why did she say she didn't? I hate stupid people so much. After a while Steph gets back, she makes me help her with her great ideas project, she has no idea what to do. So I have to think of a whole idea for her... After that she left for class, I went to my room for a bit, after a while I got bored and me and Liza were going to do something because she finally got the maintenance workers to break open her closet haha. We were going to do yoga but instead chilling in her lounge until DJ came over for some odd reason. We went to dinner, Charlene was taking too long in the shower or something, DJ had invited Emily. He asked me if it was ok, lol weird... Not like it meant anything anyways, he already had done it. We saw them on the way there, they seemed douchey, they sped up. Anyways, after getting food DJ and I sit with them, Liza was gone, she appeared a few minutes later, along with Steph. Right off the bat, Sara is pissy towards me. After the little outburst from her, I make quick eye contact with DJ and give him that "see, told you so" kind of glance. It seems to be different when I give it to different people... lol We had just been talking about why I was pissed at them, or generally unhappy with them. Then Emily and I made a quick eye contact, I just gave her that "great, here we go again" look. Shook my head, looked at Liza and she nodded. I again quickly ate, expecting to leave early. By the time I looked up, Sara and Emily had left. Well that solved my problem, DJ and Stephanie then started talking about how great Emily was when Sara was gone. How she was like a different person, I was like... wow. WTF you guys are so freaking slow. I noticed this weeks ago, that's why I liked spending time with them separate, everyone else made it so difficult. Now that they realize it, they can gripe about it? What faggots. I don't understand why people don't heed my words, only to have them shoved in their faces by life, then ignore the fact that I said those words. This is just like when Jake and I had been talking about Morgan... I told him, Morgan is a weird girl, I'm happy for you, I hope it works out, just be careful. He was so put off by that, he called me a bad friend, so now what? Yeah anyways, I guess just feelings of bitterness that came out of lol So Jenna and friends came and replaced Emily, so much better. I dunno, after they left the whole cafeteria just seemed brighter, people were just being nice and happy and etc. Anyways, dinner finished, we all went to our dorm to do some yoga. That was fun I guess lol Massaged each other, then Charlene came, then we went to FHE. FHE was ok I guess, messed around bit. Kind of boring since so many people where there and we didn't learn much. Afterwards we went to our lounge, Steph and I took my economics quiz, it was freaking hard. I got 83% somehow after a few practices. 11PM rolled around as I was hitting the last question, Charlene and Liza had left to get Moulin Rouge while I was taking my test, it was raining to tears. So we watched underneath the walkway, Steph and I desperately tried to take her test but it kept fizzing out. Finally we finished with like 5 minutes to spare, she got 76%. We watched the movie in peace finally, Steph, Charlene, Liza, Matt, and I. DJ stayed in the lounge and went to sleep I guess. I fell asleep watching it, it was actually pretty nice. Movie ended at 1:30. Now here I am.

Sara was a jerk to me today. No surprises.
DJ was nice, kind of I guess.
Steph was a jerk also.
Emily and I didn't talk.
Emika hates me.
Liza's great.
Charlene's great.
Brenna is talking to me right now. Weird.
Katie still hates Morgan.
Whitney's being a dick to me still.
Breeanna still makes me happy.
Breanna added me on facebook today... first contact in 5 years. Wow.
Brittany is pulling the low self-esteem card again.
Lauren, ha. Wow. What a rude girl.

So Emily is gonna pull that card where I hate her if we talk again. How I didn't stay to watch the movie with them, Mean Girls. I'm glad I didn't, her, DJ and Steph watched it. While lying on her couch, she said I could watch it with them... Basically giving me permission to stay where I was. Obviously she hadn't invited me, she just felt the obligation to extend one to me now that I was there, already. But it's alright, she's not gonna see it that way.

Emika... I lost. Screwed things up somehow, great girl. No communication. Oh well... Just another one to add to the list right?

Brittany... causes much of her own problems, her self-confidence needs a boost somehow. She can't actually be as dependent on me as she makes it sound, or else that would be ridiculous. I guess I can't see anyone else doing this for her too though, I love her, she's a sweet girl. She needs to take it easy.

Whitney. What more to say? Watching Moulin Rouge didn't exactly make me happier with her. I guess I'm gonna dwell on this a while still, can't help it. I care, she doesn't. My loss. As always.

McCall is so sweet. :) Disappointed that her and I never hang out.

Lauren on the other hand, so rude. I think she may be one of the few people in the world that I can put on my misjudged outwardly list. Unless she shapes up soon.

DJ, again. Stupid sometimes. I guess that's how Steph, Sara, Emily, and Jonny are though.

Katie got mad at Morgan today for a facebook comment she made on my photo. I read Katie's comment, then Katie imed me about a comment, I thought I had just forgotten and Morgan had actually written Katie's comment. I go back to check again, only to see that they had written similar things. Uh ok...

Brenna is talking to me, she is expecting everything to be better I think. She isn't acknowledging any blame in this, I don't know if I can really completely forgive her. She keeps using the "I wasn't in my right mind and just wanted to leave the situation" excuse. She says she tried, and she wants to keep trying now that she knows how I feel. Alright... we'll see how that goes eh? For some reason I have high doubts any progress will be made.

Helen :) My best friend... calls me the most, writes me the most, talks to me the most. Sometimes I don't treat her well enough I don't think... I know I never call people... but she always calls me. I'm a bad friend I guess... We talked on the phone for a little while today, sounds like she had a pretty rough day... Hopefully we can actually talk about it tomorrow.

Right now my life is again, in an awkward spot. I feel like the first week I got here again. Ready to make friends, new friends. Ready to create new relationships, ready to feed on the drama. I feel like I'm honestly restarting. Hopefully Liza and Charlene stay for a while, they are cool. Much more chill. Hopefully these new people are going to be great too, they seem cool outwardly. Only time will tell right? And I guess time heals all wounds too... Whaddya know? Two birds... one stone. Yay I'm an optimist...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 34

2009-10-19T05:37:00.000-07:00

What a ridiculous day. So horrible, yet great?

This is getting to be a normal routine got up at noonish, 12:30 actually. Church started soon, I lazed around, showered, facebook, decided I was hungry and was waiting for Marco. He decided he didn't feel well and didn't come, so I left my room at 1PM, went to eat some lunch, sat with Emily and Katie... That was kind of weird, ate a little and felt bad so I went to church. Arrived, signed in. They wouldn't let me go in and sit because they were passing the sacrament, so I stood in the lobby for forever. Finally went in, Bart and Kirsten gave talks. They were freaking amazing. I loved them a lot. Kirsten talked about her summer being horrible, a learning opportunity, her grandmother was horrible to her, her grandfather needed care. Bart talked about his mission and such, pretty much they were great. I got a couple of good quotes, "Mere wanting is not a guide for moral conduct." Also, "When everything seems to be against you, when the devil is working his hardest against you, that is usually your chance to do the greatest good." Finally, "Asking yourself have you done any good today is not the same as asking yourself if you haven't done anything bad today." Anyways, during church I find out a tidbit of info.

So Jake and Whitney have been dating since Thursday, the 8th. Which I think by itself is great. That's what I wanted while I was gone, and I'm happy for that fact. Who did I find out from? Not important, who I didn't find out from is more important. Whitney hasn't told me, still. Basically, Whitney is the exact same as Whitney. After leaving my last meeting, I kind of just walked home real fast. Helen had texted me, and I was right... something was up with her. So I had her call me, we talked for like an hour and half. It was a great talk. I talked about Emily, Emily, Whitney. How I fall into the same situations no matter how different the girls are, etc. I can't really recall all that we talked about, but we were both shocked at how Whitney is acting. We talked about her parents for a short while... I guess the conversation ended up being more about me than her, dunno why. I guess she seemed to want it to head in that general direction too, ends up she knew already. Sort of disappointed she didn't tell me, but that's her personality. Which isn't a bad thing I suppose, because that's what she considers "right". I would have told the person had I been in her situation though, I'm super glad the person told me. So basically, Emily, Emily, and Whitney are all, completely, utterly, exactly the same to me. So sad... I love Whitney so much... Always I end up the one being hurt more, it's always them that makes the bigger deal first. Then I just get screwed and jewed. Thanks a lot Whitney, way to make me think that you were the special one, the one that would be different from every other girl. Love you darling. Loved the way you made me feel, the positive changes you made in my life. Loved the way you treated me after we broke up, loved the lies you told me, loved all the empty promises you made me, I especially love the one you made on your own, not us asking each other to. You promised me you would never treat me like Emily treated me, actually... it turns out you kept that promise. You were worse, I just feel less bad because I don't see you at school everyday, I don't have people worrying about my life, I don't have people here that care that much about me. I can just let it slide, good job. You beat Emily, you're the winner. Yay Whitney. I found your ring, I want to send it back with another letter, but right now, I don't even feel like you're worth the 44 cents for a freaking stamp. I can't believe I was that bad of a character judge, what Emily did was probably worse, but coming from you? You were higher than Emily, you were better, and then you stooped down to her exact level, which makes you worse. That's fine, you do your thing. You go ahead and live with yourself, when you feel like you actually want to live up to your own words and actually be my friend again, you tell me. I'll be waiting, I'm ready to forgive you, I'm ready to be your friend. Again, I don't expect this day to ever come, same as Emily and Emily.

Anyways, after our phone call it was nearly dinner time, Liza apparently invited me to dinner in Spanish over text while I was on the phone with Helen. I left with Marco and Anthony, at this point Anthony and I noticed something wrong with him... He walked super slow by himself, then when we got into the cafeteria I saw Liza and friends and was going to have Marco and Anthony come with me but they didn't even have a single seat open. So coincidence again... Emily and Stephanie are eating, and even bigger coincidence Marco's and Anthony's friends are there at the same table... So I sat there, and Anthony, Marco went somewhere else... I went to get more food, by the time I got back Marco and Anthony were gone. It was a bit awkward because they had asked Steph and Emily to move over a seat to make room too... Anyways a seat opened up at Liza's table but I figured it would be rude to just leave, but as Liza left she texted Steph to punch me or something I guess. So... she did. As hard as she could, randomly while I was eating. What a douchebag hypocrite. She gets all pissy when I do anything to her, then wtf she punches me as hard as she can, "I got my roommates back" *giggle giggle* I hate girls, so freaking gay. I just ate fast and left. I went to my room, obviously I had spent too much time with the group today already. Just last night I was talking to Liza and Charlene and was saying how I wanted to refrain the time I spent with them, and I wasn't going to talk to them anymore. So of course now that I don't want to see them, they're at meals at the same time as me.

I go back to my room, Marco got back after me I think... This is where it gets even worse, before it was just problems with me and people back home... Marco is still... being weird, then he finds out his friend died at home. His friend had committed suicide because of an exit exam... I didn't know what to do. He started crying. I was freaking out internally, knowing I could do nothing for him. I could hardly understand him, I know he didn't know how to express his feelings to me in English, and that I couldn't console him in English. I MSNed Anthony and had him come over, we just sat together in silence for a while but then Anthony and him started talking a bit. I felt awkward so I told them I was leaving so they could talk.

And... this is where it gets worse for me again. Just freaking coincidences up the bunghole. I leave and wander over to Liza's lounge because they were watching Veronica Mars, so I was hoping it was in their lounge. They were in their room, oh well. Well guess who I see in the ping-pong side, Steph talking to some guys in my ward, I later found it that they were the home teachers, but I just was like... uh awkward. So I went to the other side, oh there's a girl on the middle couches, but look there's Lauren! So I sit in the corner, semi-next to her. I am texting Liza and I think Helen or Brittany at the same time so I'm fairly preoccupied. They stop texting me, Lauren is talking to her guy friend back home, apparently he's having some problems with a girl or something, her name is Whitney. lol. Perfect, I'm sitting there listening to her talk about... Whitney. So I feel a bit awkward, pretend to go to sleep, then she talks about people here, people I know. Eff. She talks about Braden, even more awkward. She said a few things about their date and their relationship, then she talks about herself in the relationship... She was like I want to be straightforward, I don't want things to be misleading, I don't want to lead him on, I may have sounded pretentious but I didn't want things to go bad. I was like holy crap, holy crap. So basically I wish Emily had done that, why couldn't I have liked Lauren, at least she would have told me straight up. So anyways, she started talking more and more, I couldn't take it. I just got up, apologized because I felt like I was listening in on her conversation even though she was saying all this stuff as I'm like sitting right next to her. Anyways, I left for Hale 3 lounge since it was too heated and awkward at 5. So the game side is pretty taken, I go to the main room, corner is taken, so is middle. 2 of the 3 middle couches are taken, one by a girl and one by a guy. I sit in the third one, it feels a bit awkward even they they are speaking a different language. They eventually leave after after a few minutes, I am laying there kind of haphazardly and it looks just weird to have me lay there by myself with the TV off. Well, things get interesting quickly, guess who walks in? EMILY! Sweet. She seems kind of shocked at first cause she walked in and paused, I noticed someone paused, looked up, it was her. We had this kind of glance, and then I told her how I had gotten there. I started with me leaving my room, ended with leaving because of awkwardness in Hale 5 lounge. So I lay on a couch, she was on hers. Liza finally texted me saying come out, I went to the bathroom. Emily "invited" me to watch Mean Girls with her and Steph, I guess Steph was hanging out with her after her home teaching. She definitely only did that because I was there lol Anyways I said oh ok, then left a few minutes later, as I left who walks by me? Stephanie. Yes! Perfect timing. Anyways, Charlene, Liza and I walk to the auditorium for a gospel forum hosted by the Hawaii Club. I was the only one not dressed in Sunday clothes, oh well, I was asleep for most of it. I told myself it would be the end to a perfect day if I saw Emika and Lauren. I actually saw Emika at dinner, I walked up to her and said hi but she just seemed to be pissed off and kind of looked at me funny and walked away. Anyways, Lauren showed up a bit late. After I slept through the whole thing, during refreshments Lauren comes over to me, "How much of my conversation did you hear?" Uh like all of it? I was SITTING NEXT TO YOU. She freaked out on me, I was like dude chill what do you think I'm gonna tell Braden all this or something? Do you not trust me? She calmly replies, "No, not at all." I thought she was joking at first, but she was serious. Wow what a stupid girl. I hate girls. Anyways, after we walk away, who do I see in front of us? Emika... Haha... Love my life.

After this bs ordeal of a day, Liza, Charlene and I go to my dorm and play card games. We recruit random people to play spades with us. After a while Charlene and Matt go to McDonald's, ditched us! DJ ended up coming to the lounge, ha nice. Now all I was missing was Jonny, (un)fortunately I didn't get to see him. Anyways DJ was alright honestly, he had talked to Marco after I had left and was good to him. We played Spades with him and this guy. After we got kicked out at 11PM they left, Liza and I went outside. Charlene and Matt finally got back, but they went to watch the rest of August Rush with some other kids. Liza and I sat away like 20 feet and talked... It was great. She told me about herself, her problems, her issues, I shared mine. I like talking to her, Charlene is ok too... I just like it better one-on-one with Liza. I don't feel tension or anything, I feel like I want to be best friends with Liza. We may not agree on everything, but we talk and it's good talk. We literally talked about everything, random things. Then Mark and George came and we chatted, our talking was over. It was still good. We didn't leave till like 12:30.

After getting home, we've been texting a bit. I really, really hope, she doesn't end up liking me, or her thinking I like her. Cause right now, no feelings of attraction towards her other than that of friendship. Hopefully it's the same, I don't need more drama in my life right now. Physical problems, mental problems, emotional problems, friends, roommate. Ugh. We were happy because we felt like this was our first serious conversation we had had since getting to Hawaii. She said one of the things I said was "Awww cute". Which hopefully doesn't imply deeper meanings, I don't want to assume things.

Basically, today was crap. But ended up getting saved by Helen and Liza. I love them :) School gets out on the 17th of December I think. Rawr. This better not cut into my time with Bree or Katie and her fam. I'll guess I have to check my individual classes schedules, maybe I can take my finals earlier and get them out of the way. I'll be happy to get out of Laie, but getting to stay with Bree and not coming back every night will be great. I guess I shouldn't be advertising this, since it's like way super bad for guys and girls to spend the night together, especially for a BYU student eh? I still don't find it a big deal... If stuff is going to happen, people will find a way to make it happen, there doesn't need to be a sleepover. Whatever...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 33

2009-10-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

A pretty good day. Great? Nah. Good? Yeah.

4AM? Yes it is, Facebook is great at wasting time.

Woke up at 9 this morning to a billion phone calls, I assumed the person would stop calling our stupid dorm phone thinking it was a telemarketer or something. They kept calling so I finally picked up, it was Anthony asking for Marco. Freaking Marco wouldn't wake up I pretty much had to hit him, more than once. They talked for a bit, then he called back again... ugh. After that ordeal I went back to sleep, I think Marco woke up. I rewoke up at about noon, Marco had just watched GI Joe or something. So Marco and I were going to go to the cafeteria, he ended up leaving with his friend who drove him somewhere I guess. I ended up eating lunch with DJ, Emily, Stephanie, Jonny. They were going to Waimea, Steph and Emily had to stay because of school work I guess. I didn't really feel like going so I stayed too, they were gonna text me if they finished their work. They didn't. Surprise. lol Marco got home, went to foodfest, I went a bit after him. I was a bit disappointed, everything was super expensive. I wandered around a bit, sat with Gerald and his hip-hop club. I ended up... joining hip-hop club, and becoming the treasurer. Ha. So I sat with their stand the whole time, selling tagged t-shirts. I got my own for free, sweet. Anyways, Gerald and I went to eat in the cafeteria cause it was expensive, I asked Steph if she was eating, she would she would be down in a second. Like 20 minutes later she texted me never mind, I had only been sitting there waiting for her... that's all. lol Again, should I be surprised? Went back to foodfest, sold shirts. It was actually kind of fun, and I got to talk to a bunch of people. After that, I went to my room. I hung out with Liza and Charlene after making some noodles, we played some Egyptian Rats Screw... It's a lot more fun when you aren't playing Jonny, he's super good at that game... lol After we got kicked out from 11PM curfew thing, we wandered around and somehow ended up at Foodland. All this while we were talking, we talked a lot. About home, friends, friends here, problems, etc. I like them a lot, a lot more than the others anyways. They definitely understood things better, although... some bigger problems they got a bit defensive about, but hey... that's their opinion, which I value. That was nice, they seem to be more down to earth and real than most of the people here. Well after getting back home, we separated, I went home and played facebook... lol Farmville, Mafia Wars, Warzone Tower... Such a waste of my life, yet what else am I doing with it? Ha.

Emily didn't text me again.
Stephanie didn't text me and ditched me again.
Whitney didn't talk to me at all today.
Braden and I facebooked it up today ha.
Gerald and I did hip-hop club, his sister is the president.
Mike is pretty cool guy, saw him at foodfest and afterwards.
Breeanna is for really real going to come visit me! I'm so freaking excited! I hope class is out, and she can come during the 2nd week of December, and that Katie and her fam actually do come on the 18th I think it was. If it all works out, I'll be able to just spend the week with her at the hotel so no driving back and forth!
Katie and I talked about her family visiting, not much more detail, her parents are in Mexico.
Helen and I didn't talk today... weird. She didn't seem happy for some reason, I guess I'll ask her later today.
Marco was gone all day today, and he got back after me! WTF? lol He got back at like 2:30, he said he'd been playing Mah Jong at his friends house... lol
Liza and Charlene, are sweet. My new best friends.
Sara never texted me back after I asked her what she was doing...
Brittany talked to me today, she met a cute guy at a dance... Oh gosh...
Sarah left me a message on my farm... lol I feel like something is going to happen.
Bryan, says bro a lot.

Overall, somehow I think this was a good day. I guess even though there's way more negatives, the positives are just greater. I dunno, I just feel super excited that I'll get to see Bree :) I know that it's still like month and a half a way... but still. Gr, now that I say that it seems forever away. No matter, I'm looking forward to it!

I got a letter from Helen yesterday, she's great :) I also got my package, can't pick it up till Monday.

Mormon Prom 2008

Ha good times, good times. This one we had at our stake center, I forget the theme. But I remember there was a jail... lol Stupid jail, I kept getting jailed so I just jailed everyone in it. It was a great dance, I think this is when I still liked Emily, before meeting Emily, and Emily. My life is so hilarious... I met some cute girls that night, no numbers though, I'm still shy on the inside apparently. We got served food, danced the night away, saw nice decorations. It was a good night... Mormon Prom next year was great too, but that's a different story for a different blog! :)

C'est ma vie,

~Champ

Day 32

2009-10-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

Not a bad day. At least, from my thoughts as of now anyways, we'll see as I try to remember all my feelings lol

Woke up today for marketing, again only a few hours of sleep so no bueno. Hopped in the shower, thought about going to breakfast before class, scratched that idea. Went to class, added this girl Natalie to our group, she seems pretty cool. Went to eat breakfast alone after class, this chick sit like diagonal from me, kind of awkward haha. Anyways, left and got sack lunch. Went to my room, pretended to do my astronomy homework, then Helen and I played hecka solitaire. And Marine and I talked on MSN for the first time in a long time! Afterwards, went to class, facebooked the whole time, we watched a small movie, learned some boring stuff. Went to Microeconomics, we stayed for a whole class period today. First time ever I think, Steph and Ryosuke were both gone. He taught hard stuff, ugh. Steph was taking her accounting exam with her friend Virginia and was going to text me when she finished, Emily was going to call me at 2:30 after class got out so we could get Sara's birthday cake. Not sure why I expected them to do what they said, but I did. So I video chatted with Helen for a while before she left for the Bothell game around 3pmish my time. Made some noodles, and of course as I'm in the mini-lounge making my ramen, Emily calls, Marco yells at me that my phone is ringing, I run in, kick my stupid closet door, answer, "Hey we left, catch up," was the gist of it. Great. Love my friends. I got to Foodland a few moments after them, they picked out some peach cobbler. We walked back and Emily was texting Sara to text her back when she woke up which she didn't expect to be for another few hours. Sara called back, lol. So Emily rushed to put the cake away, Steph to change her pants. Haha... She ripped a hole on the butt after trying to hop the locked Foodland gate. What kind of full blood Mexican can't hop a fence? She says she came over on a plane... lol Anyways, Sara and her cousin Eliza come out ready to see "Where the Wild Things Are" We pretend like we were just doing stuff, it's a surprise I guess. So she calls Steph down, Emily and I are already there, DJ is walking over. I like her cousin a lot. She's pretty attractive too I suppose, but she's 25. Hah. Too bad she doesn't go to school with us though, she's super witty and funny. Hopefully Sara's little sister is like younger version of Eliza, haha. Anyways we rode over in Eliza's rental car, I was squished against luggage, Steph sat on Sara's lap in shotgun, she looked like a little baby Mexican ha. I had lost my ID card so I was worried they would charge me non-student price. No worries, Emily, Steph and DJ sat by themselves and there were only 5 seats per row, so that was gay of them. Oh well, I sat with Sara and Eliza, I liked them better anyhow. The movie was kind of stupid, kind of weird, probably not worth 5.50, but definitely wouldn't have been worth whatever I would have paid at home. After that Eliza went to get "Taco Hell" as she calls it. lol Then we went to the cafeteria to eat. She just barged in and sat down, the dude was all like... WTF?! Ha by the time I got to him, he made me get picture ID cause he didn't believe who I saw, gay guy. Apparently afterwards he kicked Emily out because her shorts were too short too. I had to break in again, find my WA State ID. Finally got back to dinner, before Emily somehow. After we finished, we were bored, wanted to find something to do, Emily went to get cards. Not really a surprise anymore, DJ spilled the beans during dinner. Stupid DJ. I guess we could pull off a new idea and still surprise her, so Emily went to get the cake, Emily texted me about the candles, I met DJ walked back and told him to get his lighter, we set up the candles in our lounge. Walked over to the picnic area with the cake, semi-surprised her. I think she liked her letter, and my note about her and her sister's birthday haha. After some difficulty from keeping the candles lit cause of the wind, she blew them out. We ate, the cake tasted really good. It tasted like pumpkin cake, not peach cobbler. Oh well. We ate, then went to the Volleyball game. The game was actually pretty fun, the teams kind of sucked honestly. I think our high school team would have kicked the crap out of both BYU and Notre Dame, it was still like crowd into the game type feeling. It still felt good to win lol After that Sara and Eliza decided to leave to go to her hotel room. Steph and Emily and DJ and I went to the beach for a while. We sat there... I had a lot of time to think, I don't like thinking. Funny thing, I thought about mostly random things, things that didn't even matter, like something DJ had said some weeks ago, or something I did a few months ago. I did end up thinking a bit about Whitney, Helen, and EmC though. Oddly, Emily never really came up for more than a few seconds in my brain. After that, Steph and I realized we had a quiz to take by midnight so we went back planning to take it together. It was after 11 so she had to get Liza's laptop out, I had to pee so I went to the McKay bathroom. By the time I was in her courtyard it was 11:11, so I texted Whitney. She texted back, she should have been asleep. She didn't reply back after I said that, Steph texted me saying never mind, she was too tired, she wanted to just take it in her room. Yay Steph... So I went to my room, saw Ryosuke on the way and reminded him that we had a quiz due, mistake. He was super distracting when we took it. I did pretty horrible, I accidentally took the real quiz first, got like 35%. I took the 2 practices after that, I didn't know any answers. I got 84% on my second practice somehow, I was pissed, I knew I wasn't going to do that well on my real quiz. I got a 75%. I guess I'm ok with that. Went to my room, facebooked, etc, here I am.

Right now, I'm kind of feeling... good. Not sure why? Today seemed pretty crappy from that overview.

Marco was kind of being stupid and annoying today. I was doing my homework and he was complaining about how I only listen to loud music, then he turns his up and sings loudly to it, then he comes over and turns my computer down. I'm respectful to him, he should give me the same courtesy.

Emily and I didn't talk today.

Emika and I only talked when I coincidentally ran into her on the way to Foodland by myself. She told me she was leaving for Honolulu, she never texts me back anymore.

Whitney and I didn't talk.

Micheal and I talked via facebook, he seems to be going through a tough spot in his life. I hope what I said helped him.

BREEANNA MIGHT COME VISIT ME! Oh my gosh :) Maybe that's why I'm happy? Someone is legitimately trying to visit me, for no reason other than to see me. That's just great, I love her. Seeing her face is going to be great, just having someone there will be freaking amazing. I feel so lonely and unable to act myself, I'll be able to have a friend for a week. Screw everyone else!

Other than that... I played a bunch of Facebook games till just now, so either that made my day all better, or Bree. I'll give the credit to mon miel!

Short story time:
Uglier person comparison. We learned this in economics. People rated other people higher when their face was placed next to another picture of them, that was uglier.

There were 3 options for a magazine on a website. Web-only version, 80 bucks. Print-only version, 130 bucks. Print and web 130 bucks. Obviously, what did people pick? Some picked web, none for the print only, nearly all picked the print and web. Now the print-only option was taken out. The web-only version had more of the votes than the print and web version now.

Interesting eh? It's all about comparisons... and what your other choices are. Maybe that can apply to my life huh? I feel like more experienced now... Dunno what I'm saying, I'll just end this saying that I feel good.

P.S.

Halloween, 2009.

Too bad Sarah and I stopped being friends. She just got into it with me at exactly the wrong time, then she made it worse by saying what she said. Something like I'm always going to be there for you, I will always try to fix things, etc. etc. Well she didn't then a few months later she sort of sounded like she was going to apologize, maybe it was a semi-apology, that's not good enough. Either face the facts, or apologize, I just don't like things passing by. Take care of them or feel sorrow for them. Honestly if she hadn't said that stuff, I probably would have just forgiven her eventually. Anyways... good memories with this girl. Sleeping over at Julie's house, moving furniture when we woke up... haha. Matej and her and I racing... TPing. Geez. We did crazy stuff, I'll shut up before I get myself in trouble haha.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 31

2009-10-16T05:10:00.000-07:00

Decent day, thought it was going to be bad cause of the night before. Emily just fell asleep I guess, she never replied back in the morning. I'm not sure why I expected a response, that's not what my past experience tells me lol

I missed Rusty's call, was supposed to do the marketing thing with them. Crap. I ended up waking up at like Noon. I took a shower, vacuumed real quick since white glove was today and Songh's roommate had the vacuum. I got to class about 15 minutes late, perfect timing, class was just starting. Facebooked the whole time, ate lunch with Braden and friends. Went to my room. Stayed there, Marco and Anthony went to dinner early, like 5:45 but I went with them. It was really good, it was Western night. Steph and Sara were coming so I waited for them, ate a bunch of ice cream. We went to the library, then we skipped investment club, I skipped aikido again. We went to watch the movie instead, The Caine Mutiny, it was alright. Free, free food and drinks, can't really complain. Emily moved after Steph left to take her test, to sit with DJ on the side. Again DJ is Mike in this situation, like they both said, they're not interested in each other, they are just friends, and just want to be friends. I didn't believe it then, I don't believe it now. I'm kind of ok with it now though, I see how it is for a fact now. Now that Emily finally said to me that "I don't think I can like anyone that way right now, not for forever, just not now." Makes it sound like she's trying to throw me a bone or something lol Emily, if you ever feel like you're ready to like someone, please do tell me. I have very high doubts that she'll ever say a word, she doesn't talk to me seriously, pretty sure she can't take me seriously either. Same old story, I feel like I'm honestly reliving last year lol Hopefully, this situation is going to be handled better. Sara was complaining about coincidences? She was doing a stupid Superman impression or something, and there was a 2/2500 chance of people knowing what she was doing? Ha she should see my coincidences... I'm actually feeling pretty good, kind of... over it? That's not the right way to put it, I'm kind of back in my normal position, out of my own body type thing. Kind of think Emika hates me though... She never texts me back. I guess I've in give up mode eh? I'm kind of just taking things now, not even trying to fix them. What's the point, the 3 people I need to desperately fix things with I can't even get through to. Girls suck. Anyways, after the movie Sara and Emily went swing dancing, dunno what DJ did, probably went with them I dunno. I went to my room, a long while later Steph texted me asking if I wanted to finish the movie, she takes forever to respond... But we finally got it settled, Emily had told me she was sleeping a few hours earlier. Ends up, Sara and Steph were "kidnapping" her. She feels she has to explain herself to me now lol I don't care what you do anymore, why should I? You don't care about me. So Liza, Steph, Sara, Emily and I watched the end of Haunting in Connecticut. Pretty stupid, we watched trailers afterwards, then MLIA when Sara and Emily left. Then MLIA a while longer when Liza left, the stupid security kicked us out of the courtyard. Stephanie was actually staying up late too. Poo. I came back, here I am.

I actually planned on writing more letters to people, but honestly. I don't want to. I'm too lazy right now. Class at 7:30 tomorrow. Blah. Tomorrow is either going to be a good day, or a bad day. I have a feeling it's going to be bad, stuck on a canoe with DJ. DJ and Emily? Jonny and Steph? Sara...? Actually, Sara's doing pretty good right now. I think she's higher up on my list than all of them. It's close between her and Steph I guess. I talked to her little brother on MSN today haha. I definitely have a strong urge to get together with her little sister just to make her mad lol I should probably see how she really acts first though, and maybe how she looks. I dunno if I can trust Sara's judgment haha. Well, short one for tonight.

I leave you with an MLIA,

"Today, my sister told me that her fiancee proposed to her by giving her a ring in a Pokéball instead of a ring box. I've never been more jealous in my life. MLIA"

I need a girl I can do things like that with.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 30

2009-10-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

What happened to today? It was good... and then it all went downhill.

Ok so I started off writing this blog super, super angry. And a few things happened before I wrote more than few sentences, Whitney started texting me at 1AM her time, Emily finally texted me back at midnight, around 2 hours after she started her running... Steph hasn't texted me back, and I've played like an hour straight of bejeweled 2. Now I feel drained, which is a lot better than before I guess.

Woke up, a bit tired, oh well. Went to breakfast, Emika was sitting with some of her friends a few chairs away from Emily, so I sat across from her. I just asked her about her text last night, she couldn't really explain anything, she just said she thought I hated her because of how I was acting, and I just said that I wasn't. That was pretty much the extent of our conversing that breakfast. I sat alone for a few moments after Emika and Emily had both left, went to sack my lunch, went to class. Marketing was ok, didn't use our clickers yet again. Went back to my room, facebooked till I was late to class, self-defense boring. Went to Book of Mormon, some chatting with Emika. Went to Astronomy, watched a movie, I facebooked. Went to economics we watched a video, then Steph and I demonstrated a lesson by having a chocolate eating competition. After that we checked our mail, saw Sara at the Aloha center, chilled with her a while. Some random people came sat with us, Emily came. Sat with us, Sara left for class, I sent Stephanie off to bed cause she was crashing from her sugar high, Emily and I didn't talk hardly. Elkie and Trevor came, I went to get my computer charger, Emily left, I sat for a while, went to Psychology. Facebooked the whole time. Ice cream. Afterwards dinner, with Sara and Steph. DJ came a few minutes later, Emily came super late and missed us. We chilled in my lounge till DJ and Emily came from dinner, we decided we were really going to go bowling, Emily and DJ got persuaded to. I went up got socks for everyone, got Chris to come. Lanes were used when we got there, so we played card games waiting for it to open, in that time the rest of the lanes broke. Great. We played cards a while longer, Sara went to Song Fest or something. Emily went to run. DJ, Jonny and Steph decided to go walk on the beach, I decided not to. Went to my room, Steph was supposed to text me back when they were done so Liza, her and I could finish the movie. She never did. Emily was supposed to text me back when she finished running, she texted me at midnight when she had left at like 10. Whitney started texting me at 1AM her time? I went outside to walk around for a while, sat on the flag circle for a while, walked back home. Marco knows something's up with me, I can't explain this to him, he wouldn't understand it even if he completely understood what I was saying and meaning.

So here I am. Full of hate. Full of disappointment. Full of sadness. Lacking a person, a friend. Helen, she should be who I turn to, for some reason unknown I'm reluctant? I want to talk to someone, anyone, but for some odd reason Helen doesn't fit that broad category of someone, anyone. Maybe I feel guilty? Maybe I don't think she would understand? Maybe I don't think she's the right person to tell... Who knows... Not I.

After the initial shock of Whitney, I was pretty pissed. Writing her a letter made me feel... better I think. Maybe that writing a fake letter to someone thing actually works? I guess I'll try it here, it'll be saved here for forever so either I can eventually let them see it, they can stumble upon it for themselves, Helen may read these, EmC may eventually see these, no one might read these and I might look back a long time from now and laugh at how stupid I was?

EmC... I liken so many of the bad things in my life unto her now, I feel bad... I think. It just all seems to fit so well, I guess she really isn't the first of my disappointments but she's the biggest and freshest and most painful.

Whitney vs. EmC
Somehow... quite similar. Both ended hastily, with a lot of aid and push from me, ended not well, dragged/dragging on, unwholesome feelings on my part, me caring more, me wanting to keep promises, them talking a bunch of junk that they didn't follow up on, straight up lies.

Emily vs. EmC
Oddly. Almost perfect fit, at least in my mind I guess. DJ=Mike, Emily = Emily, Champ = Champ Geez, eery. Promises made, things were said, things weren't done, lies, caring less than me, etc.

I guess here's the letters, it's getting kind of late though...

Dear Whitney,

You were such a great friend, you helped me through so much. You got me through Emily, what I felt was the toughest time of my life, all while going through the toughest time of your own life. I felt that no one has understood me so well before, you loved me for who I was, you accepted all my faults. We could talk about everything, we fixed everything, we trusted each other, and we loved each other. I wanted to get married to you, sure a rash thing to think in high school, a rash thing to think after going out for only half a year. I guess I think too long term, but why date a girl if you can't see yourself being able to get married to them right? Dating is about learning about them and seeing if marriage is the right step, apparently we screwed up somewhere.

We made so many promises, I love and hate promises. They are both a gift and a curse, for you I guess more of a curse than a gift, you made me so many promises, so many of them remain unkept. You told me how much you needed me, how much I meant to you, how nothing would ever keep us apart. I believed you, I believed you cared about me maybe half as much as I cared about you. When I said I loved you more every night, I was right. I knew I was right back then, and I know even more certainly now. We always dealt with your problems, my problems, and our problems together.

Your parents hated us, until we had that talk with them which fixed... pretty much everything. At least it set up the boundaries and the rules which you had to abide by. Things went well for a little while, and things started drifting, I was leaving soon. More and more problems arose, you started becoming more and more unwilling to talk to me. You broke more and more promises, I loved you, I forgave you for everything, I didn't even mind, I knew that everyone made mistakes. I figured out I can't be everything for you, no matter how much I want it. I wanted us to keep at least 2 promises intact, that we forever be friends no matter what happened to us as boyfriend and girlfriend, and that no matter what we wouldn't end up doing what Emily and I did. The day I left we reviewed and renewed these promises we made before we started going out, we cried together for the longest time, the nears streamed down our faces knowing that things would be ok. We knew things would work out the way they were meant to work out.

As we were leaving Bothell for the last time together, you gave me your ring and I gave you mine. As we traded rings, again I had tears streaming down my face as I do now. You're wearing mine and haven't taken it off, or so you've told me. I took yours off a few days ago, I actually lost it, but found it after diligent searching and then a quick prayer. Why did I take yours off? I can't see what it means to us anymore. Your ring to me meant your promise to love me, as before I left, and as before we started going out. I would still wear it if I felt either of those still were true, I don't feel love from you anymore Whitney.

After breaking up with me online between classes, I said it was ok. It was because, it was. It was no big deal, what we had was just words and we could continue to have the same feelings. There was no point to call it "going out" if it made your parents more crazy, taking away your phone, car, whatever. Things didn't improve. We talked a couple of times, then you approached me. You basically begged and pleaded with me, you wanted us to be back together. What was the point Whitney? Starting a long-distance relationship just doesn't make sense. I told you that you had to think about it, we argued for a long while, you finally agreed to talk to your parents. You said you would tell me what you guys talked about, I expected a phone call the next day, nothing. The day after, I expected some mention of the talk, again nothing. This went on for I don't know how long, not too long I suppose, but an eternity for me. I confronted you about it finally, you told me you would tell me once you got home from Jake's house. That was Tuesday, you were going to do it over the phone. You were going to get home too late, so you asked me if tomorrow was ok. I said of course, you were going to tell me on MSN I suppose. "So I guess curfew means I can't get on the computer past 10 either..." Well Whitney, obviously. Your parents made sure to reiterate this point during our talk, curfew meant any forms of communication with me. On Wednesday you finally talked to me, during class. I got the worst explanation ever. Now apparently you agree with everything your parents say, your IMs were so ridiculous. Was this the same girl I kissed good night, was this the same girl who said we could get through anything together, was this the same girl who I wanted to be with the rest of my life, was this the same girl who a few days ago was just telling me that getting back together with me was the one thing in her life she knew she wanted more than anything and that she had made the biggest mistake ever? This girl was telling me all this junk that her parents blew at us all the time. High school isn't for serious relationships, being in a relationship leaves you tagged, you guys are getting too close and serious. This wasn't the same girl.

This new girl, doesn't care about me anymore. This new girl knows I'm suffering inside, I'm dying inside, I'm about to explode. This girl ignores it, asks me how my day was, starts texting me at 1AM when her parents so adamantly restricted her phone after 10PM. This girl hasn't called me in... too long. This girl hasn't talked to me. I hate this girl. I don't want her in my life, period. She disgusts me, she's all the broken promises, all the lies, all the hurt.

I miss you Whitney. I hate that you've become Emily to me. I hate that I care so much. Obviously you were wrong babe. You didn't need me as badly as you made it sound, and most definitely not more than I needed you. You're doing fine, you're doing wonderful, this part of your life wasn't necessary to you. If you were a Shakespearan play I'd be the scene that doesn't advance the plot in anyway.

Good luck in life love, it was fun while it lasted.
Love always and forever,
~Champ

Dear Emily,

You're exactly like this girl I know, her name is Emily.

You tell me you're there for me, to talk whenever. You play me like a fool. You say things you don't mean. You are such a hypocrite. You can't even talk to me.

Why tell me you're there to talk when you aren't? We can't talk, you can't be serious about anything. When anything gets too touchy for you, a subject change. Conversations are one-sided, I give you my side. Then you either blame it on me or just give up and blame it on yourself. It took you this long to tell me that you don't think that you can like anyone that way at this time? You couldn't have told me from the beginning huh?

You say you want to be friends with me. So you think I hate you and you just call it good and ignore that? You get mad at me when I do anything, when I act myself, when I act "good", when I avoid the situations where I seem to get myself in trouble.

What so you can just relax, chill out, be joking friends with DJ, since you two obviously are just joking with each other. I can't chill out relax and be myself? I guess in some twisted way Sara was right, telling you that I liked you changed everything. It changed you. I guess being straight and honest and upfront are virtues that out of everyone I know, only I value?

You tell me to think about the drama I cause? I guess it's only drama when you feel the heat huh? When Emika has feelings that spill over onto you, it's drama. When I have feelings, we can neglect that. When it's a problem for you, when it's a problem for Emika, it's not ok. When I go home, lay in bed, wishing I were dead, or at least truly physically alone as emotionally alone as I felt, it's alright.

I guess I'm keeping this short because I'm feeling physically drained now too. Maybe I'll continue this sometime, basically. I hate that I love you. As my dream asked me, "Why do you love someone who loves someone else, who has someone else falling in love with her?" I know it's not love, but same concept. My dreams tell me a lot I guess, like the day you got stung, like the day where you got angry at me, but didn't admit it, but then didn't talk to me at all, until you invited me to go workout with you, which we didn't even end up doing.

We can't even be friends can we? How can we? Of course you would want to say that we were still friends after all this right, just to keep your conscious clear. We can't talk, period. We talk at the latest possible time in the day, we talk exclusively over text, after a while you get sick of it/bored and you fall asleep. What kind of friend would you be? You're perfect example of Emily. Too bad I pick the worst girls to like huh? I can't just pick the easy ones, the simple ones, the simply fun and easy ones. It's my fault, everything, no worries, I know that.

Kindest regards,
~Champ

Imagine you died today, would you feel guilty? Imagine one person in your life died today, would you feel guilty? Any person, any person you remotely know. As of right now, I'm going to answer that. I thought it about it carefully, I don't have any guilt. I think... I'm actually okay with myself and how I'm dealing with everyone and everything. All these other problems I don't even mention cause they seem so insignificant or too important to put in a place like this, I don't feel guilt for them. I feel like I've done my best in life, I feel like I've tried my hardest to help people. I wonder if everyone else feels the same? Does this make be better? Or worse? I don't know. My head is really foggy right now, I think it's time to try to sleep. I think that tomorrow will be better, honestly. I feel okay right now, at least not like I'm doing to die anyways. What am I going to do tomorrow? I have no idea, undoubtedly get a text from Whitney about last night, and the same from Emily. Maybe they both apologize for going to sleep? Who knows.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 29

2009-10-14T05:09:00.000-07:00

Actually a pretty swell day! Till the end... Ha. Gotta keep it short, I should have been asleep an hour ago! 6 classes today...

Woke up for devotional, was late. There was a cockroach on the ceiling and Marco made me get it off before I left lol I went to devotional alone, had some good thinking time. Afterwards walked to Statistics, played on facebook the whole time, also chatted with Braden. He's a pretty cool kid, I got high scores on Bejeweled and Tetris lol We went to lunch after, it was amazing. DJ texted me saying lunch time, I was already there. Steph, Sara, and him joined me, Jefferson, Braden, and Gerald. Lauren came later. I ate, went to take my Psych make-up test, geez it was long and annoying, I only got 73% on the multiple choice, crap. 10% lower... geez. I hope I did well on the not multiple choice then. After that I went to my room, Steph texted me and she met up with me in my dorm to do our 10k for LINN, I noticed an e-mail from Mike saying commodities club was cancelled that day because he was sick. So we studied for our econ test, then we went to dinner a bit late, then got to the study session like right as it was ending so that was stupid. We went to the testing center, I took 11 minutes got like 84%. Good enough for me I guess. Afterwards we hung out, she went to her room to drop off her stuff, then Liza and her decided to go to Foodland to find decorations for their room, so I went with them. Then Steph was a jerk and didn't give me popcorn on the way back haha... So when we got back they started hanging up the caution tape without telling me so I thought Steph had ditched me again so I was pissed. She told me so I was like geez and went back to my dorm expecting them to take like an hour, they were done pretty quickly actually. So Steph came and hung out with me in my dorm, she drew decorations, I facebooked, then we looked at these amazing crayons with states and colors... we saw Utah and Washington... it was like fate. Well we couldn't find Utah at first and we were making a huge deal out of it, Bryan ended up finding it though haha

Great picture eh? It was freaking hilarious making it to be honest... We suck at paint, taking pictures, etc. Then we put it on facebook and tagged Sara and Emily as the Utah crayon haha And Steph and I as the Washington one! After that we got bored, but it was near 11PM so Steph went to go put her stuff away. I lost my key, so I broke into my room, it was on my desk. lol Breaking into my room took me like 10 seconds, I'm scared about the safety of my items! Anyways after that we got Liza to come out and we watched The Haunting in Connecticut, an ok movie so far I guess. Her computer died in the middle, and the DVD is scratched I guess because it keeps skipping.

So here's the crap part. Steph texts Em asking her to come out or whatever, and she texts back saying she's didn't want to because I hated her and it would just make things awkward. Wow. I just can't do anything right, no matter what I do apparently. Ugh. I would go into detail and elaborate, about everything today. But no time.

Whitney, wasting texts back and forth for a bit.

Brittany, got her license.

Emily, I hate her apparently.

Emika, didn't pick up when I called her lol

Steph, was a jerk, but it's ok because the crayon thing totally made up for it.

Liza, more fun than I thought.

Braden, a cool kid.

Jefferson, player player.

Me? Content I suppose. Nothing out of the norm... Hate here, hate there. Such is life...

C'est ma vie,

~Champ

Day 28

2009-10-13T05:52:00.000-07:00

Day also went by fairly well, I hadn't done any homework but I finished it all by the time it was due, I also found out I can take my psych test still! :) Yay

Helen woke me up this morning, yay Helen! I had a hard time getting up though, I skipped the shower and went to breakfast, Emika left as I got there, Emily left a few minutes after. I had to rush, I only had like 5 minutes before class started by the time I sat down. I went to marketing, nothing unusual. Went back to my dorm, showered, facebooked. Hah. 24 hours of life and 386 friends with 5bazillion wall things. Did my Book of Mormon homework. Went to sack my lunch, went to self-defense a few minutes late. Half the class was gone, so no big. We didn't really learn anything new, went to Book of Mormon. Emika had beat me there lol She was playing piano so I filled out her paper for her, tried to return the favor at least. I hadn't read this homework but I did ok on it, I had to answer a question finally. Brother Kongaika and I had some banter about my last name, I would tell him how to say it if I got an A in the class haha. Class went well, Emika and I talked a little, she's kind of confusing though. Now I can't really tell whether or not she likes me anymore. Well I think she still does, but I don't think she wants to most of the time now. Anyways class ended, she left kind of quickly, dunno. I went to Astronomy... boring boring, Facebooked with Sonia a bit, man I haven't spoken to her in for forever. Hah... Sonia... geez. Past and the present just seems to be the same for me. Kind of relates to my situation now honestly... Back then I liked Breeanna a lot, and Sonia liked me a lot. Actually I liked Sonia too, but I was too chicken to progress the relationship, I kind of regret that a lot actually. Anyways, I didn't do anything and I ended up losing them both, because I expected a clear answer would come to me. Right now, in my head, I like Emily and Emika likes me. I'm beginning to think I like Emika, but I dunno if that's just cause I feel like she's the only one who still cares for me or what. So I guess I can't really judge that feeling objectively. Now obviously there's differences. I obviously did try to do something about it, these girls I've only known for under a month. I guess in the big picture I hardly knew Sonia or Bree any better at this point though huh? Oh well. Anyways, I told her I would talk to her soon since class had ended and I would be going to Microeconomics, except I forgot that we didn't get to play with laptops in that class so I kind of ditched her... oops. After I got to class I had to pee so I went back around to the bathrooms and saw Emily, she kind of was shocked to see me, opened her eyes a bit and said hi to me, I was also surprised to see her and said a quick hi back, I was kind of in a rush to get to the bathroom and then back to class again on time. Class ended super early again, Steph and I went to check mail. After that she just left somewhere, Ryosuke and I went back to our dorms. I went to my room, facebooked... ha. Pretended to do homework for a while, did my laundry with Marco, finally he was done sending his dad windows 2007 over e-mail and then we went to dinner. We didn't even end up eating together, I ate with Jonny and his friends which felt a little awkward. Braden and posse didn't make it all the way to my table I guess, but then Liza and Charlene came! Small confession, I didn't know her name until just today, even though we've hung out multiple times lol We got bored after dinner, they went to get ice cream, and then we went to my hale to hang out till FHE, we convinced Charlene to come to ours. We ended up being online and reading a whole bunch of MLIA's, which are like FML's but My Life is Average, some of them are freaking hilarious haha When it was time to go I made Liza carry me, but she dropped quickly and I ended up carrying Charlene all the way there, for FHE we had a lesson about, friends, dating, marriage. Then the activity was "What if...?" Which ended up being pretty funny, even if half the stupid things ended up being about me lol After we got ice cream we left for Charlenes FHE, they were playing the tag with pairs. It got way intense and way fun. Way super hot too. After that it was lateish, Liza had to get her laundry, then they came over to my dorm for a few moments. McCall came over also and we chatted for a few minutes about how we had an amazing talk the other night during the bonfire and we needed to have more. And about how she's super competitive about back massages because Dallin said some chick was super good at them haha. 11PM rolled by quickly, they had to leave. I left too because I had to take my economics quizzes still, I did horrible. Didn't read the chapters, sort of studied my notes. Oops. I have to remember to take my psych test tomorrow. Facebooked for a while, played bejeweled. Now I'm here.

Whitney and I did some more worthless chatting today.

Helen called me today, talked about her day and what I was going to do with the rest of my day.

Elise! Geez I miss that girl, I haven't seen her in forever. We facebooked for a while haha

Robyn! Wowwww... The best friend I've never met at one point in time. Also haven't talked with her in literally years.

Emika, who's sending off confusing signals now? lol

Steph. Kind of still being a jerk, I guess I don't care as much anymore.

Sara. Saw her later during FHE, she said hi from far away. Not much to say.

Emily. Hm. Does she care anymore or nah? Can't really tell.

DJ. Can't even be serious when he asks me serious things, "Dude you're like buggin out and freakin people out man"

Jonny. Oddly enough, him and Emika are really the only ones I don't have any beef with. Just because Jonny is still Jonny, sure he does the same things he's always done, but at least he's constantly that way. I know what to expect from him.

Myself? Just distancing myself seems to be working a lot better than whatever I was doing earlier. Sure Emily was afraid of the group falling apart a while ago, but one person separate from the group is much better than the precious little group falling apart. Plus Jonny isn't really a part of it anymore anyways, they seem to be doing much better off. Honestly I think I am too, other than being alone for some meals I'm not doing much differently. I'll find new people to hang out with. I feel like I've given up and so has Emily, the others didn't really give an effort anyways so no loss there. Ha I don't think Emily really knew what I meant when I said I think I know how Emika felt, Emika asked me what she meant to the group. I asked myself that same question. I think we both know that the answer is nothing, she meant nothing to the group, she meant things to me, Emily, and doubtfully anyone else. Just as I mean nothing except to Emika, and maybe Emily.

I feel better than I have for a while. A 0 is better than a negative, that's how I feel in this position right now. If I leave everyone alone they'll leave me alone. No feelings, no talking, no caring, etc. Well it's been nearly a month. SOOOO weird. 4 weeks? Impossible. It's felt like an eternity. What like 11 more for first semester? Here we go baby... Potential for 3 more "1st months" in this semester. We'll see how it goes eh? Tomorrow looks to be a pretty chill day, devotional tomorrow. Gotta get Steph's notes. Stats tomorrow. Facebook time?

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 27

2009-10-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

Fast Sunday, again short and simple day.

Woke up at 11AM ish to a text from Whitney and a missed call from some local number. They had left some message, I couldn't really understand it so I just called the number back. It was my 2nd counselor, he wanted to meet with me. Alright, so calling or in trouble, I hadn't done anything wrong so it must have been a calling. I took a shower, put on my church clothes, walked into Chris' and Marks' dorm and asked if they got phone calls too. They said no, so I walked down to McKay 140 thinking about what my calling would be. When I got there Brother Cannon told me I had been called for Spiritual Council, which I told Whitney because she was texting me that morning about her essay. I walked back home, kind of not knowing what to feel. I was happy they thought I was a good choice, but didn't know what to do really haha Marco and I went to church a few minutes early, he played some more music, apparently this was reorganization day. All of the councils got released and called today. Just calling everyone out took most of sacrament meeting, not to mention it started late. I actually got called to the Service Council, oops mistaken call. Hah. So we got out, I went with Brother Cannon and a few others to get set apart, that took up all of Sunday school. I got to Elder's quorum and we were having it in my marketing room, which reminds me I have that class in a few hours haha I haven't even started homework yet! We got out a few minutes early and I planned on going to lunch/dinner with Marco right then, but Emily had just texted me asking if I wanted to go at like 4ish so I went back to the dorm with Marco and I waited, he changed and left. Time was dragging on and she finally texted me back saying she would be a couple of minutes longer cause Sara wanted to finish house, I offered to walk to their lounge but she told me I could just meet up with them at the cafeteria in like 5 minutes so I left my room 5 minutes later. I went to the cafeteria, and holy crap it was so freaking full. First off this was the only meal, second off they were serving ice cream. Stupid. lol I got there before everyone else so I got my food, sat down in the middleish where there were a few open seats nearby but sat next to a few of Marco's friends and some of mine, Braden, Lauren, Ariana, etc. I guess Emily and them didn't see me or something because they sat a few tables down, oh well. I ate lunch for like an hour, got so full I thought I was gonna blow up. I expected Emily or someone to text me telling me if they were doing something, I didn't get one. So I sat in bed for a few minutes and felt extremely tired and fell asleep. 2 hour nap. Hah. Great no sleeping tonight, as you can see. I woke up, was hungry, made some cup noodles, saw Anthony and friends in the lounge, hung out with them for like half an hour, came up again. Did nothing on the computer for a few hours, made noodles again at like 11 cause I was hungry again. Hung out with Chris cause Marco had left and I was bored, then I came home a little before midnight. Here's the thing...

I was so freaking bored. I thought about all the pictures I was missing out on because I didn't have a camera. I made a Facebook. I made a freaking Facebook at Midnight, Sunday, October 11th. Amazing, I know. There goes ever doing homework right? Hah.

There's my whole day.

Wake up, got a call, got a calling, got another real calling, church, room, ate, room, sleep, ate, Chris, room, Facebook.

I didn't really deal with anyone today, it felt nice. I chatted with Helen for the past like 3 hoursish, she couldn't go to sleep. She apparently had had a pretty horrible day :( Dang. I wish I could do more for her. Overall, good day for me I suppose. We'll see how tomorrow is eh? Cause if I wake up on time, and everyone else does too, I'll be eating breakfast with Sara, Emily, and Emika. Unless I decide I can just be rude and go eat by myself haha. I won't stoop that low I suppose.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ