Day ??

It's been a long time. I feel like I definitely should start this up again, maybe tomorrow.

Funny how things turn out though. Haha. I love my life. At least I know, it's unique. No one else can possibly be going through this haha. Or anything close to it, quite ridiculous. And yet, all my own fault. People think they know, people honestly do, and all I can do is laugh.

Oh Liza... "Why do all your girl friends end up crushing on you?"

:) It would do me a lot of good to find the answer to that question huh? Geez. Anyways, just felt a strong urge to blog for a bit.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 52

A rushed, and full, and late started Friday. The day of Fall Ball, an amazing night. Nough said.

So my marketing and economics was classes were canceled due to the Great Ideas Exchange. Which reminds me that I have to do my write up for that soon. Like today. Anyways, Fall Ball bus left at 5:30. And I woke up at like 10:30. So I got ready real quick, went to the Great Ideas thing that I was supposed to go to for marketing. I tried to sit by Jenna but didn't get a chance to, Matt and I sat with each other. The speaker didn't really talk much about marketing or anything, definitely more of the spiritual side. I took a few haphazard notes but mostly was doing my Astronomy homework that had been due 2 weeks ago but hadn't turned in because I had done next weeks homework and turned that in by accident. Our 1 hour thing was over and Jenna left, but I hadn't finished my homework yet so I stayed for like 20 more minutes and was like half an hour late to Astronomy but I turned it in, no big. After class Ryosuke and I went to eat, Jenna was right behind us when we were walking to the cafe and we were conveniently talking about her on the way there haha. So we all ate together, that was pretty fun. After lunch I started to realize I was kind effed schedule-wise, waking up so late I screwed myself. It was now nearly 1PM, I had to be ready to go by 5:30PM, I had to take my Astronomy test, and super long psych test, well mid-terms. Balls. So right after we got out I went to take my Astronomy test which took all of 10 minutes haha. I got like 88% or something, which was alright I guess. Pretty good according to everyone else haha. I saw some girl in my psych class sitting outside the testing center when I came out, and chatted with her a bit about the test, since she had already taken it. It was one of those older girls that didn't like me very much I thought but she was nice to me at that time, but didn't really give me any clues for the test. I got home around 1:30? I realized holy crap, I gotta iron my clothes! So I did that, and that took forever, and my room was so hot after I did it... Geez. I swear I refuse to ever iron clothes ever again. It was like 2:30, Brother Stratton said we needed to allow 2-3 hours for this test. Uh oh. I procrastinated a bit more, and somehow it was 3:30 and all I had done was went through all the essay questions and answers them and then went through and skimmed the slideshows. I memorized a few things and went down ot the testing center and got my game on. The test took me barely more than an hour to take, I got 69% on my multiple choice, ouch. I found out today he curved it by 14% though which puts me at a B- which is all good, cause I think I probably got like 100% or something like that on the essays. I got back to my room a little before 5, maybe quarter till and Marco was there and we kind of got ready together, cute I know haha. He was gonna wear a black shirt underneath his white shirt! Stupid! I made him take it off and put on a white shirt, he said it didn't matter, but it did. lol Then that shiny black tie I picked out for him he decided he wasn't gonna wear and was wearing his pink church tie instead. STUPID! I called Chris over for an executive decision, and he went with me so Marco wore the black one. Chris was called over many times actually, a few times to help make decisions again, and once to help me lint roll my suit jacket haha. Too bad he wasn't going to Fall Ball, he's a fun kid. Marco and I finally got ready at like 5:15, he left I stayed for a few minutes doing a few last minute checks. Seeing if I should bring camera, putting a few pieces of gum in my pocket, etc. Marco almost forgot his tickets haha, him and I took a quick picture of us on the way out the door, it's the only one with us 2 in it, sad. I'll post it up later. At like 5:20 I left, walked quickly to the library to get Jenna a baby flower, and walked back to her dorm and waited for her in her lounge, of course she went out the other way haha. I walked out as she was walking back in to come get me, and she looked... amazing. Her dress, her hair, her. All of it. And on top of that? We matched perfectly. Double score, she threw all her stuff at me and I traded her the flower haha. Obviously we were running a bit late so we were kind of rushing, she took of her heels and we semi-trotted over to the buses, luckily we were on time and the buses were running a few moments late. We got on bus 3, went all the way to the back, and by the time the bus filled we realized our bus was all aZn kids we didn't know + 2 white girls we didn't know. The bus ride there started out normal, we talked, did some cutesy stuff, kissed a bit. It was a lot better than normal, she didn't know anyone on the bus and was completely fine with it. So we were like the kids who sit in the back of the bus and make out haha. We passed through the tunnel and things got a bit intense from then on haha. It was nice. We got to the hotel finally, too soon in my opinion though, I would have been ok with riding the bus around with her all night! Haha. Once we got there she wanted to take a picture outside of the hotel, but we decided we could just take one on the way out and went into the lobby. This hotel was pretty great, luxurious, expensive, and glamorous. I would love to have gotten a room and spent the night with her there, it would have been paradise with a beautiful woman by my side, what more can a guy ask for?

OK 4AM. I continue this blog later, just so I can remember... Saturday Haleiwa, Sunday Church and fireside and Liza. K done.

So much for blogging... I got distracted again. Here's more self, mental notes. Monday everyone ditched me, spent the day with Jerald, FHE. Tuesday, Marco got pissy at me, lazy day, Statistics, Volleyball, econ. Wednesday, Charlene flipped a beezy on me, Steph and Sara combined I would call it. Capture the flag, taco bell, almost ate a gecko. Ice cream, funny skit thing.

Again missed out on blogging... some more mental notes... Thursday not sure what I did to be honest, Foodland? Taco Bell? Maybe... Friday we watched Land of the Lost with a bunch of people, and Jenna and I got into a little fight I guess. Basketball game. Liza, Charlene and I tried to watch a movie, I slept. Saturday, woke up at like 2 nearly, did my laundry, Jenna and I sort of talked for a little while... not really. Went back to put my stuff in the dryer, someone had already moved it... ugh. Stayed home while they went to get ice cream, hung out with Chris, went to dinner, they left, we went to the girls basketball game, went to Foodland, went to the guy's game, got lots of free ice cream, went to pounders, came back, Jenna and I walked back together, I tried to play Monopoly with Charlene and Liza but some stupid lady tripped the alarm, so now I'm back. And I have a talk to give tomorrow. Ugh. K I'll blog... later. I guess.. >_>

Day 51

Thursday... An overall good day, nothing exciting. Didn't do anything fun. I had gotten home at 3 something that morning and went to be like 4 something so I was sol on getting up for breakfast haha

Jerald walked by and woke me up and I told him I was tired and was gonna skip, then Liza called me and I told her the same thing haha. Good thing she's my favorite, she does lots of stuff for me and I kind of take it for granted. Liza if you're reading this, Champ luh yous so much! :) If not, oh well. Haha. I went to bed again, Marco was asleep too he had skipped class lol I woke up for some reason that I forget, something about my phone I think. Marco had left and came back from lunch I think. It was nearly noon when I finally woke up, I was thinking about skipped statistics again but Braden texted me and told me to go to class lol So I got there like 20 minutes late since I showered and stuff. I went to class and was gonna go eat lunch with Braden but he had already eaten! What a jerk lol Well I went there expecting to eat by myself, but Pono and Jerald and friends were there, nice. Not so nice? Lauren sat in front of me... she bothers me so much. She is so fake. She's so... stuck up. She thinks she's better than everyone. Luckily on the way home, Jerald and I talked about her, we hate her equally. Sweet! Haha. We separated and I went to Liza's lounge to meet up with her. Her and Matt were there and we kind of chilled for a while, a lot of people came out and after Liza and Matt left, Matt went to fish and Liza to class, I stayed. I finally found out that girls name that is really nice to me haha... I had known it all along, Jasmine. Duh stupid Champ. Well her Penelope and a bunch of people were there. I ended up falling asleep for forever, I drooled all over the cushion! lol That was gross, but super funny haha. I had been trying to do my Book of Mormon mid-term which was taking me years to do... I wish I had just let Jasmine give me all the answers, that test was a beezy. I stayed long enough to where Liza had already come back from class so she came down to hang out with me I guess. I was watching BYU vs TCU volleyball with Jasmine, holy crap they are way better than our team. Like our team is crap compared to them, both of their teams looked amazing, physically and sportswise, Haha, they were way cute no lie. And the way they played made it look so flowing, fast, and it looked like they were flying, there was constant action. It was crazy. Anyhow, 6:30 rolled around and Jenna wanted me to come to dinner, I couldn't just leave Liza since she didn't leave me to eat with Sasosi. Then again Charlene was blow drying her hair, we didn't end up leaving till 7ish. On the way to the cafe I saw Jenna for the first time today, the only time, well her room window doesn't count. Sad :( Anyways, went to dinner, Sara, Emily, and Stephanie were there, fate is turning in my favor it seems though, again they left before I sat down! We sat and ate for a little while, the food wasn't all that good, Whitney talked to me, did the 11:11 thing and then we stopped. lol We left dinner, and went to my dorm so I could finally do my laundry. I stole Marco's basket, and Matt gave me his card, sweet. I washed everything except my sheets, and everything ended up working out perfectly! Perfectly clean, perfectly dry. So happy! Ha. I had Liza pick out my shirt and tie, and they were the exact ones I was thinking, perfect! In the time we were in the lounge, Liza practically took half my Book of Mormon test for me, Songh came down with me to take it. Every computer was taken trying to take that stupid test. Matt came down with butt loads of food, we pigged out. Oh random thing, I found out the RAs look at the entrance security cameras, and Jake had remembered me as the guy who came in at 4am... lol Creepy. Anyways we were there for a couple hours, then 11PM rolled around... Things got interesting, this girl Mindy was reaching down to unplug her laptop... and pressed the power switch on the power strip.... she shut off all the computers. Holy crap. Wow. The guys had been working on their tests for the past 2+ hours and all of it was gone, they hadn't saved it. lol Wowwww. They got effed so bad. It was freaking hilarious, they were like crying. I ended up not finishing really, I bsed the last like 8 questions, I was sick of that stupid test, and so was everyone else apparently. I finally finished at like 11:50. Charlene, Matt, Liza, and I hung out afterwards till ike 1something. We didn't do anything at all, we just wandered around and explored the elementary. We saw lots of snails lol we hung out on the playgrounds, played on the jungle gyms, didn't do much. I climbed on walls and jumped off of them, and otherwise did ninja stuff haha. I came back, chilled in my unit lounge for a bit, ate some chips, played games, then  came in my room, wrote that last blog, and now this one... and here I am...

Jenna... did her hair, is having her nails done by Liza, and is otherwise doing lots to get ready for Fall Ball. I asked her honestly if she still really wanted to go because it was such a difficulty, for Scott anyways. I think... she truly does want to go with me, hopefully she's not just saying that. I feel so... bad. I wanted to hang out with her today and have fun with her, but instead she stayed home, I dunno if she did anything fun or not but her boyfriend had yelled at her all night apparently. Ugh... this guy seems a lot like... Ali's boyfriend. Honestly, they seem great from how they describe them to me at first. As time goes by though, and the daily stuff happens, I kind of change my opinion. They end up having lots of qualities I would find undesirable in a girlfriend. I know like when you love someone, you accept their flaws and whatever but the thing is... When I have a girlfriend, she's perfect. She's perfect because of those... "imperfections or flaws" whatever you want to call them, perfect because of not perfect in spite of. There's such a huge difference for me, both of them seem like angry people who aren't truly there for their girlfriends. I'm making a huge assumption right now, but why are they being so defensive and overprotective unless they have personal experience? I know I'm accusing two complete strangers I don't know but... hey this is my blog, these are my thoughts and opinions, and this is how I see it. Both boyfriends are too controlling and place the blame in the wrong places. Neither of them seem to care as much as they should... Maybe that's just my standards though... who knows.

Liza aw man. She's great! lol I dunno what it is, her advice could come from someone else and I probably wouldn't think it's as good. Maybe it's the way she presents it to me. Liza told me exactly what I was secretly thinking deep down inside... Maybe that's why, I like that someone has the same views and opinions as me. I'm kind of afraid to put these thoughts here since they... are... kind of personal to me and to people who could be reading this, so this is the first case where I'm just gonna leave out a major part, at least until I have time to think about whether or not I should write it down.

Helen, I guess she really did just dump me, as a friend. lol Well it sucks that I trusted her so much, only to be disappointed yet again. Trust is such a funny word for me... My definition is so different from others, I guess I'm just really different from others period though.I dunno what to say really. Not surprised because it's already happened before from someone I consider my best friend, don't blame her because I put a lot of stress in her life I guess. Well it was nice being friends with her I guess, too bad she was gay and did it over facebook message. Sonia did it over myspace message. Whitney did it over MSN. Emily did it over texts. Mhm don't you just love technology? No need for social interaction, no need to feel emotionally attached to a conversation you are having. Gotta dump someone? Hungry? Easy fix, break up with them on MSN. Use one hand to type, and the other to eat. You satisfy your stomach while at the same time, crushing someone's life. Love it, killing two birds with one stone? Multi-tasking at it's best.

OH random by the way, I had deja vu really bad today. It was in the kitchen side of my lounge. I had a dream a few years back, I finally realized that, that part of my lounge was where my dream was located, I had been copying/helping this guy with his Book of Mormon test, and Songh was copying off me because his got deleted. Funny thing is... this dream happened long before I ever knew a thing about Mormons. This dream put me in BYUH, in Hale 4, in the Kitchen Lounge, all before I knew what BYU was, long before I knew what a missionary was, long before I was baptized. So crazy... Dreams mean a lot to me, just like I hope Jenna's does to her. I hope her and I get to talk soon, to put everything out in the open. I hate all this lieing, all this sneaking around, all the hurt and guilt she has to feel because of this... and maybe... most of all... I hate hiding my feelings. I really, really like this girl. And I can't show it, it would be ok if she didn't like me back, or if she told me she couldn't like me back. At least I could stop hiding myself, I hate that. Honestly if I were her, I wouldn't pick me, I know myself. I'm unpredictable, why waste a relationship that's gone on for over a year and a half for me? I've had a relationship last me 6 months. I'm crazy. I don't know what I want, I have no goals in life, I have nothing going for me. I'm the riskiest bet any girl could ever take in my opinion. I could be the jerkiest jerk one moment, to the most chivalrous charming fellow the next. As I explained to Ali the night before, I AM the extremes. I am BOTH of the extremes. I am NOT in the middle of anything, I am not on extremely one way or the other, I am at both the ends of everything. My whole life is a contradiction, full of the worst/best coincidences, full of things that never should have happened, full of mistakes. I don't know what to think anymore... I've never been so close to giving up on people entirely, but I also feel like I've never been so close to being on the verge of getting to be close to so many people on a deeper level than before. It's so weird... Story of my life I suppose...

Last Friday, I'll write something later today I promise. It'll be short... but I'll put something.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 50

3:30 AM, I'm bushed. Yesterday was a good day I suppose, weird though. I think I'll write about it tomorrow though. This constant rain or something is making me so tired dunno. Lots of things happened yesterday... hopefully I remember them all. Sorry Jenna, it won't be ready for you to read when you wake up lol

Alright let's see how much of yesterday I can remember...
Wednesday. My mass class day. I made it to class on time for once! Again we didn't need our clickers, in class I played with Capsim a bunch, I got my highest scores yet. 330 or so stock price and like 90k net profit in round 8. Ownage. After class went to breakfast, Liza showed up and we ate for a while. After that I went to my room and just did nothing for a bit, luckily in self-defense we were watching a movie again so I did my Book of Mormon homework in that class. After that I went to Book of Mormon, and sat by Emika cause it was the only sit left. We kind of talked once in that class, other than that I fell asleep haha. Walked to Astronomy, knowing that I hadn't done my homework. I had done the wrong ones from the week before, gay. Anyways I talked to him and he said I could turn in my homework on Friday so that was good. After that I went to econ and this time Stephanie sat by me. Yay... We had a boringish lesson. After that I'm not sure what I did. Dang it's only been 2 days and I can't remember already? Well I went to eat dinner with Jenna and Julia I think, so somehow I ended up meeting with them? Anyways... Liza and Charlene were at the mall getting dresses. Most of the night passed by, we went to Hip Hop club at 9. Oh I remember now, I was taking the econ quiz with Jenna and we ended up sucking it up real bad, her score was worse than mine... I feel like that was my fault. Anyways right before dinner I went over to help her with it again. Anyways we ended up staying in her lounge for a bit after dinner, she did some studying I think. Or actually I think I went to the activity with Jerald for a bit first, we got some pizza, the activity was writing letters to missionaries. Well once I got to the lounge somehow Bart and friends were in the other room and they came over asking us to show us some dance moves ha. I yelled at Julia to hurry down with music so we could show them haha. But they ended up leaving before Julia got there, dang. Anyways we showed up to Hip Hop and it was... not that fun. There were more people and the stuff was harder and more... like specific skills rather than a specific dance. I dunno. Julia and Jenna left right when it ended, Jerald and I stayed a little while longer, kind of wishing I had left with them... I guess I kind of pissed Kristin off when I was asking if she had a date to Fall Ball, then Jerald and her got into a heated argument on the way back the Hales. It was pretty intense, apparently I was making this funny face during the whole thing and Jerald saw me when he turned around cause I was walking between him and his sister. He had to walk away to keep from laughing haha. Good to know I can always lighten the mood lol Hmmm what did I do after that? I think I went to my room, Jerald needed a bandage from me. Jenna and Liza and Ali all wanted to hang out I guess. But they were being super skitchy. Well Ali wasn't I kind of was blowing her off... Kind of jerkish, but I really wanted to hang out with Liza and/or Jenna. Actually I was kind of afraid that if I hung out with Ali alone something would happen, those fears weren't really justified though since we had hung out before alone without doing anything. I guess I was also afraid of what Jenna might think. Liza... not so much, she doesn't have a reason to not trust or believe me since I pretty much tell her everything, plus she has access here now lol Anyways, it was like nearly midnight and Ali was ready to go on a walk/hang out with me. I kept texting Jenna and Liza but they were being difficult... Like half an hour after midnight Jenna finally told me she couldn't do anything with me because Julia was getting suspicious. Urgh... she couldn't have said that like an hour ago? And Liza was just being difficult period... She kept saying she wanted to do stuff but I guess it ended up being cell phone problems, she told me today she hadn't gotten a few of my texts. Meh,,. whatever. I was kind of annoyed I guess, things seem to be going down the same path as before... I know... it's horrible to compare. But it kind of fits I guess. Jenna would be Emily, Julia would be Sara. Liza would be Stephanie, Charlene could be another Sara. Dani and Ali would be Emika... Matt would be DJ. lol At least in this case, I'm combining different groups of friends so I have a little safety net. If I screw things up... at least it doesn't screw me over with ALL my friends. I'll be able to at least turn to someone if I eff it all to pieces, hopefully. Anyways, I ended up just calling it and telling Ali I was gonna go on her walk with her. Jenna and Julia were out getting popcorn for a movie I guess, they also ended up being in their courtyard, McCall was passing by Ali and I and I asked her to say to Jenna for me since it would be kind of weird to show up I guess. I wish Jenna would just let me be nice... and polite lol It doesn't come often so I like to let it out when it does because I can't really save them up or anything. I wish she would let me help her physically, and emotionally. I honestly could have grabbed a quarter and a nickel off my dresser on the way out and given it to them, and I wish she would be less... evasive. It sort of reminds me of Emily, but Emily was just horrible at it. At least Jenna addresses the situation, or that there even is one, mostly. I guess I can't ask too much of a girl I've really only known for 2 weeks huh? I better stop pushing my luck with everyone to be honest, I ask too much of people I already know and half known for a long time. I can't be doing this with new people, it'll drive them away lol Anyways, I guess Jenna thought I was super cute for telling McCall to say hi to her, I was kind of wondering what she was thinking of Ali and I going out alone, but somehow she avoided that question/giving an answer that night. I think she may have been worried, I hope she was... At least that means she does care, and wants me for herself... She texted me sometime like twoish, Ali and I were having some pretty intense conversation though ha so I couldn't really talk much to her. She ended up going to sleep before I got back, cause when I dropped Ali off and I yelled up to the window I didn't get a response. So... Ali and I's walk. We started in the direction of off-campus and I asked her where we were going, she said she didn't know and wanted me to choose. Ha we argued about why she or I should pick for a while, I can't seem to get it through her head that I choose only when I deem it necessary. Otherwise I have someone else pick haha. Soooo I got her to pick, and she said she wanted to be either near the water or near the mountains, and we semi-fought all the way there, in a playful way of course. We got mad at each other for not bringing a towel lol Obviously we were going to the beach since the mountains were freaking far away. We ended up sitting on the grass patch at Temple where we did it the 2nd time... I was a bit sketchy at first since I had been bitten on the butt by something there, and it was super windy and cold, luckily since it had been raining all day I was wearing jeans, shoes, and a jacket, and it ended up raining a while later. We talked for like 3 hours straight... It ended up being mostly about Sam, then the conversation switched to me. I explained my situation with girls, I guess I mostly talked about my girlfriends and how complicated things were in my life. She's a funny girl... I ended up making her realize that Sam is the perfect guy, in her opinion that is. She complained about a lot of things, apparently she didn't place as much value on those qualities as I did. She described him as an angry person... He has a bunch of other problems too, but interesting thing... she had considered breaking up with Sam for me in the short time we had... our fling? I asked her how that was even possible if he was so perfect? She said that she was attracted to me for the same reasons she was attracted to Sam, I had experience in life. Hardships, so that when I said I understood her, I really did. So weird, I don't approve at all of this guy for many reasons, yet I remind her of him? lol I dunno how to take that... It was a good night though, no kissing, no attraction, we even physically fought once haha. It was really funny, head and armed her! She totally fought me for reals too, it was great haha Anyways my butt was hurting from sitting, she was getting cold. She wanted to move to the grass by the showers but I said it was time to go because she had class in the morning, she always skips class. What a ridiculous girl. After that, I went to my room... did nothing for an hour. And went to sleep!

Overall, an alright day. Not much was accomplished, psychology was canceled since we had a test. I still have to take it, balls. Whitney attempted to start up a conversation with me again today... Jenna and I didn't get any time together today really, not alone anyways. I felt guilty with her the whole day honestly... I had chances to kiss her, but I forced myself not to... I dunno, she's pretty down on herself... And it seems like she's not telling me some stuff so I really don't know what's going on. I always say we should talk and clarify things and she agrees, but we kind of just don't do it. Like while I was with Ali I texted her that and then I said that I hated being left in the dark and all she said was "lol" I dunno if she thought I had meant that literally like in physical darkness or what, but I hope she wouldn't just laugh at me feeling helpless because I had a lack a of information on the situation. Liza didn't see me at all today hardly either! No fun :( I didn't get to hang out with anyone. Ah well... Too bad today didn't turn out that well either, although it was alright.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 49

This was a really good day, somehow it seems horrible though. I'm just really pissed off I guess. Everyone, and everything again. Mostly in the last hour I was about to go home I guess everything that annoyed me happened.

Today Liza woke me up at like 9 or whenever I asked her to, seeing as how I had slept at 5 or 6am I told her to just wake me up before the devotional. She texted me... lol Oh well I guess the devotional wasn't too important, I got notes for it. I went back to bed, a bunch of things woke me up, Marco, texts, phone calls. Actually Jenna may have called me, I dunno. Yeah I think she did, not sure though. Anyways woke up for reals at like 12:40. Class started at 12:10. I said eff it, it was just statistics anyways. I lazed around and got fulled ready at like 1:30. Ali was texting me and so I invited her to lunch with me not realizing it was nearly 2 and the cafe closes at 2. So i ran out and met up with her, she was wearing neon, bright, green pants. They were pretty sweet honestly lol Jenna was wearing yellow pants today, I guess it's bright pants day haha. Anyways, ate lunch with her, Braden and Jerald. After that I went back to my dorm, and Ali came with. We chilled in my empty lounge for a while, then some people came and hung out in the lounge with us. She had to leave at 3 for work and so after that I got a vacuum cleaner cause I had promised Marco I would vacuum since I made him take out the garbage. Actually before that I talked to Ryker, told him to lay off a bit. He used the excuse that DJ got him started, actually he was kind of a douchebag about it, but I think he'll listen. On the way upstairs I saw DJ and told him too, he seemed to understand better, but didn't seem to care much. Oh well that's his problem. Anyways went upstairs, dragged all the stuff out of the room and vacuumed it and our unit lounge. It's still in our room because I was too lazy to bring it back down. I stayed in the room for a while and blasted music, Marco came back and was kind of being a jerk too. He whined about how I put his shoes on his bed, I put them upside down on the blanket so I could vacuum. Then whined about how I put a few things on his chair with his friend's laptop underneath. Then he turned off my music and turned his up when I left for a few minutes to talk with Jerald. Jerald invited me to Waikiki for Thanksgiving with his sister and other friends. Jerald put me off for the first couple of times I saw him/hung out with him, but he's actually pretty decent guy. Anyways I went to the bathroom or something, and Marco was sitting by the door fixing his scooter, and I snuck up on him and scared him. He got really pissed and sprayed me with WD-40... wtf... come on. Well he missed luckily, he told me that Fall Ball tickets stopped selling at 5pm and it was like 4:45. So I got my stuff and rushed to the Aloha Center, apparently Jenna was headed to Foodland at the same time this was happening, I figured I would go with them so I called Jerald up to come because we had been wanting to get applications for jobs. I found out I couldn't get my tickets yet because the person was gone, and that they were selling tickets up till the Aloha Center closed, and that they took only cash. Gay. So we all went to Foodland, Jenna went for hair dye so her hair could perfectly match her hair extensions. Jerald and I hit up all the good places, a bunch weren't hiring though. We only got applications to Ace, Subway, and Foodland. I had to go in and buy something so I could get cashback for the tickets, I bought some Ghiradelli squares, which are great. We all sat for a while outside filling out applications and eating the chocolate. Jenna had to go to econ tutoring at 6:30 so we rushed back to eat by 6. I decided to go with her to tutoring. On the way back to campus she realized she forgot her ID card so Jerald and I waited by the little theater and climbed the trees and played on the bike racks and ran up the walls. After they finally got back we went to dinner, which was mediocre. We ate with Pono and friends, somehow I made fun of Emily's "bone it" really loudly. And a few minutes later I realize she's sitting at the table across the aisle from me... Haha. Anyways after dinner, Jenna and I left for econ. We were a few minutes early and Mike wasn't there to teach us yet so we sat outside with this kid named Christian who was in her marketing group I guess. The tutoring went well, taught me a lot. Mike is a pretty cool guy, I got to sit by Jenna which is always good! It ended at like 7:20ish, and Jenna reminded me I still had to buy tickets so we walked over to the Aloha Center and got them. Oh yeah sometime during dinner Katie had called me and I called her back after getting tickets and waiting for my marketing club meeting to start, cause I had decided to skip Aikido again. After getting tickets we went back to her dorm for something, and when I was waiting for her I called Katie back, after Jenna got out we went to outside of our Econ class tables again and talked about air fare and such. It ends up airplane will only cost me 100 bucks round trip. Jenna and Katie got to meet over phone haha. Anyways, 8 came around and she left for the library, I went to my meeting, Mike canceled it cause no one came. I ran after Jenna and by the library I finally got to kiss her today haha. I'm looking too forward to this I know... I can't help it. Anyways it was just like 2 quick kisses and that was it. We went into the library and I saw Marco and Anthony there. Her corner was taken lol, we found another one. I looked over the edge and we were right above... Emika. lol Anyways, I sat and talked with Jenna for like half an hour till 8:30 when she had to do her marketing group work. It was nice just sitting and talking, after we left I went to my lounge and Liza and Charlene met me there. We kind of just sat there for a while, Charlene was being a girl. She wanted to know if John Jensen had a date to Fall Ball but first off just wouldn't tell me who she was talking about, then wouldn't talk to anyone about it. She was being so annoying, then Matt came out and sat with us. Jerald came down and told me to change for Hip Hop Club since we were learning how to dance today. I was hesitant, since I had planned on going and just doing my homework. I decided I might as well, so I did. Open Mic night was postponed till tomorrow because someone reserved the little theater for something else, so I convinced Liza and Charlene to come, Matt had disappeared somewhere. On the way to the Ballroom, I saw him and said hey, the girls stopped and talked. Jerald and I kept walking, and noticed once we were half way there. Ok... that was gay they kind of just ditched me, whatever not like I'm not used to that. After a while they came over though I guess, so that was ok. They didn't really participate at all though. It was way loads of fun, at first it was just us and this guy. But he started teaching us the dance that they did at the Halloween dance. I was learning how to dance! A monumental moment in history! I was doing it, for real! Learned the whole dance in like 2 hours. In that time Matt, Liza, and Charlene left to watch a movie or something, two other guys came, and I saw Jenna and Julia randomly pass by and I called them in. They seemed reluctant at first, they were in the rain in their bare feet haha. Gosh it was so much fun, like ridiculous. I'm excited to dance now, apparently I'm good at breakdancing? Haha. I still kept keep a beat though, I got off while we did our dance routine all the time. And I'm sure I look ugly when I do it. Oh well! It was loads of fun, and pretty much amazing when Jenna and Julia got there. We had loads of fun! Well I did, they looked like the did too haha. Anyways it was like nearly 11PM before we left, Jenna and Julia left to go do homework, I went back to my lounge. It was jampacked, Charlene, Matt, and Liza were watching Shutter. Jerald sat for a few moments ate some of their food and left to go sleep or something, I stayed with them. 11 came around and they got kicked out and they went outside to watch it. I went out with them, Kristin called me and told me I had left all my IDs and debit card in the Ballroom, crap. I ran back and got them from the guy, and ran back. Liza's laptop had died and they needed mine to play the movie, I let them use it and then filled out the rest of my applications and started to do my Astronomy, only to realize I didn't have chapter 6 in my book. Ugh. Luckily Jenna texted me saying she wanted to give my stuff back now that she was done dying her hair. Luckily I had decided to go upstairs to change at that moment anyways, I got her what I thought was her DVD, but it was Stephanies lol We met behind the tennis courts, and... kissed for a bit :) Not for long... she's super paranoid about security getting her in trouble lol It was nice though, she was super cute. She took off her glasses... Haha. At 11:11 we had both made wishes... Hers came true, it was to see me that night. After we left each other I went back to Charlene, Liza and Matt. They had finished the movie and I expected to leave, but I guess they were gonna watch the Thai version cause it's more creepy. So I stayed there, I didn't watch because they all sat in front of me after I sat behind in between them. Charlene was freaking out and being stupid. Matt was being kind of gay, kind of a lot. Ali was being freaking difficult, she was making this stupid argument with me. I kept telling her I was with people but I wasn't busy, she kept going but you're busy cause you're with people, and I kept telling her I was but I wasn't actually doing anything with them... So stupid. We argued for like an hour. All the whilst they keep watching more and more versions of Shutter, I was ready to leave and go do homework but they weren't. Liza at 1AM realized she hadn't signed out, and went to go do that and was iffy about coming back. Charlene didn't leave with her, wtf. The one time I want them to be together they weren't. I should have left with Liza, Charlene and Matt were pissing me off, Everything about them pissed me off, every head flick that Charlene did. It seemed like she was looking at me, then just looking forward. They kept laughing their asses off. People kept texting me telling me to be quiet, I tell them that and freaking Charlene turns up the speakers loud as heck a few minutes later. She gets all pissy when I tell her again, Matt laughs as loud as hell. And says some douchey things period. Ugh everything pissed me off, I shouldn't have waited so long to write it, I am missing a bunch of things now. But to top it all off, what do they decide to watch? Freaking Beyonce, freaking Single Ladies. Wow. I told them I wanted them to change it like 3 times, and they didn't say anything or even acknowledge me. Fine, I guess they really wanted to watch it, it ended up being really long. So I ask them how long it is like 3 times and again they don't even answer me. Wtf. Fucking faggots. I hate that song with a blood fricking passion, that's the first time I've listened to that whole song through since Emily. Everything just seems to be perfect to piss me off huh? lol Even Jenna annoyed me a bit tonight, I guess the only person that really didn't today was Liza. Although she did ditch me, and didn't talk to me like all day... Anyways... Jenna was really adamant about knowing what my wish was, which is ok I guess. I was playing the game with her and messing around, then she said "Tell me what your wish is and I promise I'll make it come true babe" or something like that. That... kind of ticked me. I hate when people make empty promises, or promises they can't keep. It was ok when she said that, but then after I told her what if I wished for things she didn't want? She still was stubborn, so I told her I had wished I could have kissed her in the rain. Which for the most part was true, but there were still all those "wants" that I hadn't wished for specifically at 11:11 per say, but still wanted. What if I had wished for... her to break up with Scott, her to tell Julia we liked each other, her to be open about us, or other things? If she really would have done that for me, that'd be great, but I wouldn't want her to unless it was her that wanted it. I guess I'm just mad because I have such bad experiences with promises, no one keeps them to me. lol Anyways... After watching a billion episodes of stuff we played cards, even playing cards pissed me off. Charlene was watching friends the whole time and I had kemps like the whole time every time and she never called it. Matt was being stupid, I dunno just the way he acts now. Is kind of like DJ. DJ never would have liked Emily had it not been for me, he never would have noticed Emily's eyebrows, he never would be making fun of Stephanie kissing girls, he never would be making fun of Sara's little sister. Matt never would have met Liza and Charlene, he never would have been close to them even if he had. Pisses me off I guess. Reminds me of the same situation.

So now the situation back at home...
Savannah texts me today, she says by coincidence. It's cause it's the first time she's been bored in class all year and she texts people randomly when she's bored. Apparently she's never been bored or thought of texting me, before Jake was open. Whitney is trying to act like things are all ok now? Haha... Not even an apology, sure she says sorry or whatever. But only for small specific things, she's not sorry for hurting me. She's not sorry for anything she did. Yet I'm gonna be her friend, I'm gonna give her a chance. Stupid Champ. I guess Morgan didn't know they broke up yet cause I just told her. Haha Helen deleted me on Facebook. Reminds me of when Anne and I fought and she deleted on Myspace. I give up on this shiz. History is repeating itself, what am I supposed to be learning? lol I know so cliche, but, why me? I haven't done anything so bad in my life that I deserve all this crap thrown at me. Why do I pick the worst friends? Why do I pick the worst girls to life? Why do I let the best opportunities pass me by every time?

So Liza and Jenna and Helen read my blog for sure, maybe there are others. Jenna does it daily I think, I showed it to Liza today, Helen probably reads it still. I badmouth everyone, it's hard. I seem like such a harsh, rude, and cynical person. I guess deep down inside, I am huh? That's the only way to explain it. I apologize for everything I say, but I do not regret it. What I say here I mean, you read all this at your own risk. Normally a person wouldn't know any of these things. I waste my life writing these, and they waste their lives reading. Hopefully it throws some insight into my life for them. Hopefully Helen realizes that she's hit me at the perfect time. Hopefully Liza can somehow use what I write to better understand me and help me, because honestly, she is the only person left that I have that deeper connection with that I can talk to easily about nearly everything, Hopefully Jenna finds out how crazy I am and backs out while she still can, and if not I hope she knows what she's getting herself into.

What friends do I got left? Lots. Who am I deeply connected with still? Liza, Jenna, Ali, McCall. Liza works out well, except Charlene gets in the way. Jenna works well, except I like her and she likes me and there's some... conflicts of interest otherwise... lol Ali likes me, I like(d) her. McCall is super busy.

What reason do I have to go back home now? None... lol The only person living in Bothell that was close to me, that I want to see now...? Bree. She's coming to visit me, with Sam and Monica... bleh. What reason do I have to stay here in Hawaii? Well I'm kind of forced to, no money. But really what do I like about here? The girls that I like/liked. A few friends? One or two kind of close ones? Geez, what do I have left period? So gay. I gots nothing. I need a job so I can slave my life away and not worry about this biz.

Maybe I overanalyze too much, whatever. That's who I am, Jerald is the A+ star of the day. He saw eye to eye with me on everything today, he danced with me, he commented on how jealous he was of me being able to piece together things he never had even though about, like Pono's stories about doing bad stuff on the computer and then "rebuking the darkness" with the power of Christ.

Today was a good day, just had sucky stuff happen in the end which ruined the day for me. Maybe tomorrow will be better, I have a feeling it will be. Since today was a negative, tomorrow has to be better because I'm shooting for at least a neutral which should be easy since I have 6 classes tomorrow. I didn't get to blog about Friday again, dang. Next time... I guess. Sorry.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 48

Monday. Was a good day en generale. But kind of got effed up at the end... Here we go again eh? That quote, those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat their mistakes kind of jumps out at me. I feel like I learn, I feel like I know better, then I end up with the same results.

Anyways... got woken up by Dani and Marco this morning, salsa and chip party with Matt till 3 then staying up till 4 was a horrible idea. I felt dead, I was 10 minutes late to class. Apparently, he had just been giving a lecture about being late to class, just my luck right? Apparently I walked in like right after he finished... mhm. Love my life. After class I went to breakfast and I don't remember who I sat with, I think Braden and friends. Yeah, then Charlene came. Then freaking Lauren comes and sits by me. That mint lemonade homemade stuff is pretty horrible not gonna lie. Well after breakfast, went home, facebooked, did my Book of Mormon homework. Was late to self defense, we ended up not doing anything because we were supposed to watch a movie but we didn't. We learned a few things I guess. After that I walked over to Book of Mornon, sat in the back usual spot, but Emika was in the middle row again. Whatever. I ended up being just knocked out pretty much for good for that class lol. I think I drooled a bit, but somehow at the end of class I got the mid-term open for both Wednesday and Thursday all day lol So pro. After class I walked out fairly quickly, but again Emika beat me out. She asked me how I was doing, we had a short 10 seconds conversation and parted. Not worth anything. Whatever. Astrononomy was boring as always, facebooked, blah blah. Went to economics, Steph didn't sit by me again. I got my key mailbox from her. I picked up my camera, Marika sent me her old one :) She's freaking sweet. Anyways after I got my package I swung by the library again to pick up a flower for Jenna. I figured out how I was going to ask her to Fall Ball, I wrote her a tiny 4 line poem in econ, and was going to pass her a note and a flower and surprise her in the library. We ended up meeting in her lounge so I walked over there, and when she came down at first I didn't do anything. After a few moments I handed her the flower, no poem. What?! I had chickened out, or something. It took me lots of working my nerves up and I folded the note up real nice and small, and stuck it all hidden in my palm and touched her hand, and dropped it in. She read it, and said yes. :) So I guess my wish did come true, that was my wish for 11:11 that day lol So it was really nice, chilling with Jenna, and then Julia and Dani. And then the rest of Jenna's friends. Carrie is actually in my Book of Mormon class, we never knew haha. So they're actually pretty cool. Honestly, though... all I cared about was sitting there and being with Jenna, haha. I know ridiculous, I'm getting to clingy and obsessive. Whatever, it's true. Don't matter to me. We took our econ test, I did my great idea exchange thing, I signed up for a few classes, we all kind of chilled for a while mostly. Then we all went to eat dinner at 6ish. We sat with Sara, Emily, and Stephanie. Mhm... It was alright I guess, didn't really talk to them at all. Dani's friends showed up and sat next to us she she talked to them. Sara was bragging about how great she was at chugging water or something, so Julia and I had to show her up. Her 3 cups in 27 seconds? Easy. It was freaking hilarious though. Julia and I had both went to get 3 cups of water, just a few moments earlier I had brought back a cup of Sprite for me and cup for Jenna, I set my cups down. And Julia goes, wait Champ has 4 cups? Jenna goes, nope! That last one is a Sprite, oh look! Here, and she sets her cup next to Julia's 3 water cups. So here's the serious business going on. Emily gets her watch ready, Julia and I get ready. Now I'm not sure if I got 4 cups or 3 cups in 19 seconds, but I downed all 4 quickly, and so did Julia. We both had beaten Sara. Good. Haha. But, freaking my stomach hurt haha. And after the Sprite hit, my stomach exploded, I had liquid fly out of my nose and mouth from the pressure haah. It was freaking gross, ridiculous, and funny. All at once. I wish we had caught it on film or something. After that experience, Sara came back from the bathroom, she had missed it all. Dang. They were freaking out about something, some guy. And they were all like, omg he's coming, perfect timing (in a sarcastic tone) or something, and they all quickly left. Some guy sat where they had been sitting, but I didn't notice anything special about him, I don't think it was him they were talking about. Mhm. Anyways, we left shortly after that to go to the library to study. Basically, Julia and I had to pee like 50 times while we waiting for Liza and Charlene. Her and I peed I think 6 times or so. Haha. The library was freaking ridiculous, we were so loud, so rowdy, it was so much fun. First off, every time her and I went to pee we would do a cartwheel, then pee. After the 2nd bathroom trip Julia finished before me, so she hid behind a bookcase, and was going to scare me. I thought I had gotten out before her and in turn, hid behind the wall, while she watched me the whole time. Haha... oh my gosh we burst out laughing and I rolled around on the floor for a while, it was freaking hilarious. I dunno man, it was just lots of fun in the library. And to top it off, I shared a seat with Jenna once Liza and Charlene got there. A bit of a damper, her boyfriend wasn't too happy about her going to Fall Ball. Eff... We had to split up, they were going to FHE, I was going to take my Statistics test. Liza sort of helped me study for a bit, mostly we just talked I guess. I went down to take my test not in the best mood, came out of the test knowing I had did horribly but didn't care much. I texted Liza and she had gone to Charlene's FHE and they were playing capture the flag. It was in front of the Aloha center and it started pouring, it was a pretty crappy came of capture the flag lol We ended a while later, after it got more and more wet, I realized I had left my computer case out! Aw crap, Jenna's computer was in there too, because in the library my computer wasn't getting internet for some reason. Luckily nothing was damaged, we went into the Aloha Center and had refreshments. Good fruit, good cookies. After that we headed back, but got sidetracked into the little theater. They hung out, I kind of sat by myself, a bit. Jenna and her FHE finally finished and she texted me so I went to give her her laptop, and they were going to go to Taco Bell, so I went with them. I went to put my stuff away and get money since I had to get deodorant and gum anyways. I ended up getting a #9 since Charlene wanted me to get her a taco. DJ and Ryker came because I had invited them, kind of regret it a lot. They were kind of being douchebags, more so than normal it seemed. Maybe it was the mood I was in, or maybe it was because they were directing it towards Jenna rather than someone stupid and half-deserving like Sara. I saw Krystin outside of Taco Bell. Anyways... I bought my stuff at Foodland, we left, Jenna and I didn't talk much... We got home, DJ and Ryker fell behind talking to people. I said good night, and we separated.

So... today was a mess.

How do I wanna go about explaining here... well. I'll just go for it.

Emika hates me, but not? Haha. Emily, Sara, and Steph obviously don't care. DJ gets on my nerves, Ryker would be half ok by himself. With DJ there it just doesn't work out. They nearly made Jenna cry apparently, I'm gonna have to talk to them later.

Marika, got her camera! Yeaahhhh! She sent me a cute little letter too :) Can't believe she's in Thailand.

Helen, guess her giving up and breaking up with me is for serious and a done deal. Not sure what I did, or didn't do. But apparently, I've treated her the same as I've treated all my other close friends since this always happens. Oh well... life goes on I suppose. So sad that I can lose my best friend like this and not even feel more remorse, just like when I lost Whitney I hardly even batted an eyelash. It's so sad what I think  feel, I think I'm feeling... like nothing matters anymore. Because everything really does end up the same, since it does, why don't I just take advantage of this fact and go along for the ride. I might as well go crazy, live it up, and do whatever my heart desires since my actions don't affect my life in any way whatsoever.

I guess what everything comes down to is my relationships, and my choices. Liza and I have been talking kind of a lot, a lot about why I have so many problems in my life. Yeah her white knight idea made sense, but she added on to it tonight, I honestly respect and value her opinion because she seems to be objective, and less biased. Sure she told me that I should not be "dating Jenna" (we have different definitions of dating apparently) because she has a boyfriend, but that Jenna was the best choice out of any of the girls so far. I'm thinking the general vibe from Liza is that I need to cut it off, it's going to cause problems. She's right, I know she is. It already is causing problems. With Jenna's boyfriend, with people here. Jenna is a tough girl, but she's got a lot on her plate without me, with me added on it just seems like she got a whole heaping pile of junk as seconds. I know that to be fair to her, and to myself, I should stop. I never should have told her, or shown her my feelings. I just can't help it... She makes me feel great, and she says I do the same for her. I mean for me, I have no loss. So if I were the only thing that needed to be considered we'd be good to go. I'm not though, she's equally as important, I'd say more so than me. What's so great about me...? There's no reason for her to like me, her boyfriend is freaking perfect lol I don't stand a chance when I'm stacked against him, honestly... I think Jenna is feeling the same things I was feeling before. I missed having someone to physically make me feel good, physically love, and physically show affection for. That's the only reason I can come up with anyhow, I don't do anything out of the norm, I don't do anything special. I bring with me lots of problems, complications, etc. I'm just not worth it. She's such a great girl, she deserves better.

Well I guess that about sums it up... I wish I wasn't so stupid and took the simplest path. I wish my choices were made based upon logic and reasoning rather than want and desire. I really really like this girl, but everything is telling me not to. Everything is telling me it's wrong. I know it's so cliche, and I've probably said this same thing before about someone else, but she makes me feel great. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Just being around her makes my day so much better. She makes me want to be the best person I can be, she makes me want to succeed, makes me want to be a good student, makes me want to be smart. She forces me to have faith, I have faith that she won't be like the others. I have faith that somehow, everything is going to work out. Things may not work out the way I planned, or exactly the way I wanted, but I have faith that it will work.

So funny, tonight it's been raining. Hard as heck. Droves and droves of rain, Liza, Ali, Jenna all love the rain apparently. And of course the rain reminds me of Emily. Just this very moment as I'm about to type my closer, the hardest torrent of rain the entire nights comes crashing down. At the same moment, my phone goes off. It's Whitney. The text reads, "me and jake broke up" lol Short, sweet, to the point, and completely out of the blue. Now she wants to tell me stuff? Now she wants to talk? I suppose I owe it to her, she went through my shiz with Emily. But I talked to her, she didn't say crap to me. Whatever, here's the story of my life I guess. The cycle goes on... So Jake broke up with her, he still likes Savannah. He wanted to be fair and couldn't hurt them by being in that relationship, blah blah blah. That jiz. So funny. So ironic.

What do I do? Champ, what would be the best course of action? Leave it, let her deal with it, she's been doing fine without you obviously, yeah that sounds like the logical thing to do. Champ, what will be your course of action? I'll help her through it, I'll be her friend, I'll forgive her, I'll sacrifice myself for her again. Aw Champ you're so sweet, such a great friend, what would anyone ever do without you?

I love my life. So fricking amazing. :) Life's little miracles. So let's look at the position back at home... Jacob... Jacob... Jacob... Creating such a mess, who tried to prevent the messes? Me. Who has to clean them up? Me. Jacob dated Morgan, I warned him about her. He did it. Jacob liked Savannah still but failed to admit it and reconcile, now he has. He's been dating Whitney, now he's not. Morgan is Whitney's best friend, they now do not talk, same as Whitney and I do not talk. Savannah and Morgan obviously are not best of friends. Savannah and Whitney, I assume are not going to be great friends much longer, if they still are. So let's talk relations to Champ. Whitney, now talks to Champ, and I assume the level of talking will increase dramatically from now on. Champ has always thought of Morgan the same way, she's a good girl, but she's a girl, and girls are stupid. Champ and Savannah used to be great friends, until she was a douchebag to me. Jake and I are good friends, were good friends. Now I give the same warning to Jake as I have every other time, FRICKING SAVANNAH IS A GIRL, A STUPID FREAKING GIRL. The end. Learn the lesson, ya effed it up. Ya picked one of the worst sets of girls, ya lost. Game over.

Now Whitney's saying she would appreciate if I didn't give up on her... lol She asks me to continue me being the good friend I have been?  If I continue doing what I've been doing, I would just tell her to suck it up. And end it there. She wants friendly advice from me now... lol What's the difference between my advice now from before? Well before, she had a perfect boyfriend, cute, polite, respectful, Eagle scout, all-around perfect guy. I made sure of that, because I left him in charge of her while I was gone. Now, she's friendless huh? No one else to talk to, no one else to look to, now my advice is gold huh? Oh man. I just thought about her parents lol Now that she's gonna start texting me/talking to me again, here come the phone curfews haha. Fricking A! Love it. I'm pretty much lol'ing for real, quietly though since my roommate is asleep. I guess I should be too huh? Nearly 5am. So ridiculous.

Whitney is kind of screwed isn't she? Maybe her and Helen should be best friends now, I mean they both broke up with me at the same time, well pretty much anyways. They can have each other, at least we all know they'll have some common ground. Wowwww. Everyime I text back in... anger, the rain just beats down. I swear, it's perfect timing. She says she isn't as slow anymore, she doesn't apologize for everything anymore, she is listening better. Well... obviously that's not true haha. If she had been listening better, she would have realized what, "STOP freaking out. You have to sleep on it, think about it deeply, talk to your parents, and talk to your friends about it," meant some few weeks ago. I sure as heck know it didn't mean, have a quick chat with your parents, semi-inform me, go get a new life, and forget about your old one.

This is probably the longest blog I've ever done, I guess I just have lots to talk about eh? So where does Champ go from where ya guys? Don't ya wish that there were lifelines in the game of daily real life? Phone-a-friend, 50-50, ask the audience. Which would I use here? Haha... Oh man. I'm not even sleepy anymore, I'm just giddy on this adrenaline rush. There goes my sleep... haha. Alright so here's how I'm gonna play this game. I'm gonna keep going on the same path with Jenna, I'll let my other friends here do whatever they want I could care less, I'll let my other friends at home do whatever they want, again I could care less, I'll let Whitney talk to me. So I figure this leaves my options open still. Things go awry with Jenna... I still have people here to fall back on along with Whitney. Things go awry with Whitney, I still have Jenna and friends here and home. Things go awry with Whitney and Jenna, I start to get effed, but I can rebefriend someone from back home or find someone else here. Things go bad with both of them, and both groups and it's game over. I give up. I'll live life alone, no friends, no family, die a lonely death, live a better life than I ever had before. Sounds like a good deal to me. Looking forward to tomorrow! Regretful that I didn't get to finish Friday's blog still... the dance. Jenna and I's first kiss. Friday was a great day. Ugh. Later, I suppose.

Edit:
P.S. It's now 5:10AM, Savannah has just texted me. The rain just started up again. Love it.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 47

Another good day! I had woken up lateish, too late to get to my service council on time. Liza woke me up in time for church luckily. Went with Marco and after I blessed I sat with Liza, we ended up talking for most of the time.Talking mostly about me, and my life. The girls... haha We talked about the stupid ones, the good ones, and Jenna. Yeah she gets her own subcategory haha. After people bore some pretty amazing testimonies I cleaned up the auditorium and went to Sunday school and sat with Liza and again we just talked most of the time, Sunday school was short cause testimony meeting lasted for so long. Stephanie was with Liza the whole time but we never said a word to each other, oh well. A neutral is better than a negative anyhow. Marco left after getting set apart cause he got home at like 10AM or something. We separated, Relief Societies left, we were taught our lesson and I was starving, it was Fast Sunday. We got out like 10 minutes early, the girls got out like at the last minute. Liza and I headed over to the cafe, we both had to pee. Luckily Canada was there and I had her hold my scriptures while I peed. Dinner was decent, the ham was great. There was ice cream again. Dani and Ali both came to eat with us, we sat at a jam-packed table. Charlene came later, and so did Stephanie. After dinner, Liza, Charlene, and I went to Hale 5 lounge. Liza and I had to study. Charlene went to shower or something, I ended up falling asleep for like 2 hours. Liza did her homework, I woke up after a while and we semi-studied. Not really. Charlene came down a while later, distracted us even further and somehow they convinced me to go back to our Hale to get some ice cream that we had stuck there from a few days earlier. After that we just hung out for a bit, then at 9ish Charlene convinced us to go play uno attack with her brother and his wife in TVA. So we went, I was still in my Sunday clothes while everyone else had dressed down already lol So they're pretty cool people, I like them. Hopefully they like me too lol It was like 11 something before we left, we chilled in the courtyard for a while, then after a while Matt came out. It was a little after midnight and at first I wanted everyone to just go to bed so we could chill tomorrow. Somehow they got food, came back, we played cards till one something. Almost 2. Finally Charlene got away, Liza left. We got really dirty near the end haha. Maybe it was for the better that they left, we played in the tunnel again but this time security didn't come. After they left Matt and I had salsa and tortilla chips party, watched an episode of Family Guy and American Dad. Anyways, I kinda breezed through this but that's pretty much all that happened.

Whitney is finally realizing she's being stupid. Maybe. Actually, it doesn't seem like it. It just seems like she feels bad because now she realizes I'm not really talking to her anymore. She doesn't seem to realize what she's done to me, she's apologizing, but I know she doesn't know what for. I told her she was the same as Emily to me, actually Liza told me to say it, but I did. I meant it to. That kind of ticked her off I think, good. She deserves it, whatever. She can't even talk to me still... haha. And now she even knows something's up, whatever. Screw that. She can go ahead do whatever it is she wants to do, what she did for me means nothing to her, what I did for her means nothing to her. That's fine.

Helen, what do I say about her? Same as all the others. Plain and simple. Ditch me. Leave me. Lay the blame. I hate cowards, I hate pusses who can't at least take blame, consequences, and responsibility for their own actions. Blaming God for "breaking up" with me? So gay. If you aren't happy with the relationship anymore, fine, but suck it up and tell me that's what you feel.

Marika, I think she sent me stuff! :) I is way excited.

Bree, argh. I wish she was visiting by herself :( I want alone time with my best friends, considering I only have 2 now. Katie and her. I just sighed really loudly, lol.

Katie, now officially the longest running best friend I've had. Yay Katie's the winner! Winner of... a pathetic competition. Winner of an event where there was no competition, she pretty much won by default. Well winning is winning.

Liza, dang I luh her. lol She's my new best friend, for reals. She understands me, she listens to me, she talks to me. We trust each other. It's great.

Jenna, I didn't get to see her at all today :( Aside from when I yelled at her through the window from when I was walking over to TVA. I didn't get to kiss her today, sad day. I wish I could spend every night under the stars with this girl. Just being there next to her, her asleep in my arms, just makes me smile. Geez, I know ridiculous that I can be so mushy and gushy over a girl that I hardly know right? Maybe I'm getting myself in a position to get screwed over again, but honestly. I could care less. This girl makes me feel great right now, she says I give her butterflies? She gives me like a freaking roller coaster inside my body. Agh. Don't know how I can feel this about a girl that has a boyfriend, but I do. I can't help it. Ever since that night we watched Arachnophobia and I lay next to her, watched her sleep, then watched her drool on my pillow, I knew that I had deeper feelings for this girl. She's so cute haha. I can't wait for tomorrow, well today. Honestly, I'm excited just cause I know I'll be able to see her. After I finish class at 2:20 though blah, so far away. And I have a statistics mid-term, I'm so effed. I dunno probability. Jenna will make me feel all better. :)

Liza made up this term for me, White Knight in Shining Armour. Haha... pretty easy to figure out. I only go after the damsels in distress, I come in on my white horse, with my shining armour, and I go in to save them. I go to rescue them, somehow that struck me. In some ways it seems to be true huh? That's how all my more recent girls have been. All except for Emily I suppose, she was different. She had problems of her own, but not like problem problems like every other girl. I dunno. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong kinds of girls, maybe I attract the wrong type, maybe what I really am being is a friend. But somehow warping that into being more than friends? Who knows...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 46

Saturday...
A good day!
So got home at like 7am or something... I was going to go to breakfast with Liza and Charlene but I fell asleep haha. I woke up at like 12 something? I lazed around and got readyish. Jenna told me she was going to the luau at Brother Wasden's house, I met up with her right as she got of the cafe. Steph was right in front of me the whole time lol Anyways, Jenna and I walked over to the Luau together, we went the beach way. We sat a bit, talked, kissed :) Hah I know... I'm ridiculous, our first kiss was less than a day ago and I'm already looking forward to/missing her. Well hopefully this works out better than past things, we'll see huh? Anyways, we went over to the Luau, Brother Wasden and family are pretty cool. We ate food for a while, talked to some people about Fall Ball and how it seemed like no one was going lol After that, we walked back, saw Liza and Charlene on Temple, and I gave them some brownies that Brother Wasden told me to take a bunch of lol Matt and DJ had been spearfishing earlier that day on Temple because I saw his dive buoy, he still has my flip flops... lol Anyways, we went back and Jenna had to do some work or something, so I went back to my room. I went to my room, Dani had wanted to talk to me from earlier so I went to talk to her after I dropped off my tennis rackets for Jenna and Julia to use. We had an interesting talk I suppose... Anyways after we talked I guess everything was... fixed. To whatever extent things can be fixed I guess. After we talked we went to go check her bank balance at the Aloha Center where I chatted with Crystal at the desk for a bit, then Dani and I went back home. I got to my room, and conked out for 2 hours. Marco left for Honolulu this morning and is still there, he gets back today some time. Apparently he is there with some friends in a hotel, haha. He's going to Fall Ball with some chick, get it get it Marco! lol Anyways, from like 4-6ish I was dead in bed. Jenna had kept me up late... lol I woke up to a few texts, Liza and Charlene were going to dinner then so I went with them. We were supposed to wait in line for the Haunted Lagoon because we all thought it was going to be a long wait, while Jenna and Julia were finishing up their party. We ate dinner with Dallin, Jantz and friends. Jantz apparently got his face smashed at Pounders lol  After dinner we went to the girls' dorms so they could change into their costumes. They took forever, I sat in the lounge for like half an hour... Anyways, after that we left for the PCC and saw that there was no line! Also... funny story, everytime I said I was going to the Haunted Lagoon I guess I slurred my words because everyone thought I said I was going to Honolulu lol It was pretty funny... Anyways no line, apparently they were closing the ride off early or something?! Holy crap, we rushed to get Liza's ticket, I called up Jenna and Julia and told them to rush over. We waited for them and Charlene went to pee, they got there before she got back from the bathroom. Geez that girl takes forever to do anything... Haha. Jenna, Julia, and I sat in the front row. Liza and Charlene were forced to sit in the second row, they were freaking out because they were on the ends and would get super scared, so I got the next random couple of strangers to sit with them haha. The ride was great! It was better than the first time we went, they added a few things and I spent it with my arm around and holding hands with Jenna instead of Caralee! :) After getting thoroughly soaked, though not scared at all... We got off, left the PCC and went to McDonalds. I let myself go and got a super sized 13, some bacon Angus thing. It was ok, not worth the money haha. I picked up an application, Jenna and I took pictures with Ronald McDonald statue haha. We all ate outside and they figured out that they wanted to go trick-or-treating, so we did. We walked back to campus area and went to random houses on the way, then went to Foodland, Jenna and I wanted to go to Brother Wasden's house but I guess we just didn't get around to it. The houses we went to were pretty interesting haha. First off some random group of 3 people can and tagged a long with us for 2 houses. Then at another house we found 2 black cats, they were freaking cute haha. I played with them and pretended to steal one. Then they followed us to the next house and I played with them some more haha. After hitting up a few more houses Jenna and Julia realized they wanted to get food because today is fast Sunday... Uh oh. So we went to Foodland and passed by this bumpin house/block party. It was pretty sweet haha. We went to Foodland and I found a bathroom, Charlene bummed a buck off of me to play the crane game, Jenna forgot her pin code so I ended up buying their food lol We walked back home and got freaking egged... Well Jenna and I did. Luckily they sucked balls and all the eggs hit the ground, some egg splashed up on our legs but no big I guess... After getting back on campus we saw Jerald and friends playing sardines. Liza and Charlene were going to play with them, Jenna and Julia and I decided we were going to watch a movie.  I went to my room to get changed and get stuff for movie time, I saw Sara and Annika in my courtyard doing backwards rolls and they asked me to do one. I guess Annika just can't do one, they were amazed at how I did mine because I end up back on my feet lol After a few minutes chatting I went to Hale 3 corner benches and waited for everyone. By the time Jenna got down, Julia had decided she wasn't coming, Charlene and Liza were both on the benches with me, Elisha had gotten there. Jerald and friends decided they were going to watch a movie at some girls apartment. Us 4 decided to stick around and watch a movie in the courtyard of the McKay building. We got through some movies starts, then found an ok one. The American Haunting or something like that. Got halfway through then a security guard came and kicked us out, dang. Liza and Charlene ended up just going to Liza's room to watch movies or something. Jenna and I decided we were going out somewhere. I got a blanket and a pillow and we went to our spot by the Temple Beach showers and we looked at the stars, talked a little, and kissed :) It was great, I dunno I just really enjoy being with her. Anyways... she had to leave somewhat earlyish since she has 9AM church, which is coming up in like 2 hours haha. So we left by 3, but in that time she had fallen asleep in my arms, which was amazing. I eventually fell asleep too haha. We walked back, I kissed her good night was freaking tired, saw DJ and Ryker in their room. Talked with them a bit, layed in Jonny's bed because I was freaking exhausted. Ryker went to Waikiki with them... and they had just gotten back like right before I did. Sara, Steph, Emily, and DJ went with him. I'm glad they hate me and don't invite me to things anymore haha. I had a great time here, and didn't have to see them at all today! Anyways I left, came to my room and here I am...

So... actually a bunch of crappy stuff has happened in the past week or so.

Helen pretty much... broke up with me. lol Weird right? Basically the person I felt like I could count on the most to always be there, besides Katie I guess, just like that. This is... Sonia. So weird, that this wouldn't be the first time that a best friend has broken up with me. I didn't even know what to say to it so left it alone for a few days or however long. I finally just gave up and gave her what was on my mind, I told her that I didn't blame her, and that it actually wasn't that unexpected what she did. Pretty sad when you think about it huh? Thing is... it's just another tally to add to my hash marks of disappointment. Life's full of disappointments eh? That's fine I guess.

Whitney, still being stupid and oblivious/ignorant. She's taken that fall from way up and just keeps digging deeper and deeper. Haha. What a waste of half a year with that girl, it was great while it happened, for me. Apparently that was all fine and dandy but means nothing to her now. Again, tallies to add to my collection.

Dani, so ridiculous how negative she is... She cried while we were talking today and I felt horrible. I felt so responsible. Obviously the talk was about Ali mainly. It was about how if I wanted to be something with her Dani would be fine with it, she shuts off her emotions, etc. etc. Pretty much her blowing a bunch of bull at me saying she it didn't matter what I did with anyone... Ugh. Don't get me wrong, she's great. She comes from a hard home, has a great personality, and is fun to be around but geez. Some of the things she says or thinks...

Ali, apparently has been wanting a relationship with me this whole time? She got jealous of Jenna?! I hadn't even hung out with them together hardly... So ridiculous. We had a long discussion over text, apparently when she told me that story of her friend who was friends with benefits she wasn't implying that for us... She thought we were working towards a relationship? What the heck... like I know what's going on through her mind. So I have this feeling like it's going to blow up, this is like Emily, Sara, Steph, and DJ all over again. Hopefully that's not true, I can't really take another one of those...

Jenna, freaking sweet. Period. I like her, she likes me, not period. She has a boyfriend, we have to keep our actions a secret from people here, Ali and Dani. Ahhh!!! I always pick the best/worst girls to like lol Obviously she's the best... cause I like her the most. But she's the worst cause... it would be so much easier to like, ANYone else. Haha. And I wonder how I get into these situations sometimes? Gosh I'm so attracted to her though, she's so cute haha... The way we talk to each other, the way we look at each other, the way we do things. I know, so cliche, so gay, so stupid of Champ. Whatever dude, this is college. Not even gonna have regrets. Eff it.

Liza, I love her :) She's like my favorite person here by far. She listens, forms an opinion, gives me sound advice, then listens to my rebukes, readjusts, and then we make plans to talk more later. She's the best, I don't know why Steph doesn't spend more time with her. Fortunately, she doesn't. Haha. So other than Charlene, I get to spend a bunch of time with this girl. I wish her and Charlene weren't so attached, because although I like Charlene a lot too, it's different talking to Liza and talking to both of them.

Anyways, it's 7am. Gonna cut it off around here...  Pretty much... have some of the suckiest circumstances, but right now? I don't even care. I dunno why, is it an overload? Do I really just not care anymore? Is his a healthy response? Will everything work out? Will everything blow up? Who knows... Not I. So does it matter? No. Good night... and good luck.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ.

Day 45

Completely missed today, Friday, blogging. Ugh. Doesn't matter, I'll try to get up on it later. May not happen though.

Actually, I better catch up on this. It was an important day. I kissed Jenna today, for the first time. A lot of stuff happened tonight, fun stuff, good stuff. This was the day before Halloween. I'll get it tomorrow. I promise, it's 4am. I got class in 3 hours. Eff.

Alright so it's been over a week again, this sucks lol

I don't really member much of the day except for that we went to the dance for a while. Ali and Dani were being kind of stupid this day... Liza and Charlene were dressed up in their angel and devil costumes. Funny that Charlene was the angel... haha. Ryker was some mad scientist and being really annoying actually. We were going to go to Haunted Lagoon today but the line was so freaking long, it was ridiculous. Liza and Charlene said they didn't want to go for sure, so it would have just been Me, Julia, and Jenna, which wouldn't have been bad but the wait was forever and there was a bunch of stuff going on at school so we just got a ticket and left. There was trunk-or-treat which I was supposed to help out with for Hip-Hop club... oops. Haha. We walked over to the CAC and saw it and we left cause Jenna was afraid of looking weird because it was only little kids haha. Hmmm after that we went to see Harry Potter I think, Charlene and Liza were doing something else but they came in the middle of it. During the movie I held hands with Jenna :) Underneath the seats... ha. And she kept losing her flip-flops over the railing lol In the middle of the movie she went to talk on the phone with Scott, I thought she like left or something but she had just sat back in the corner or something. After a while she came back, I thought something was up but she said that there wasn't. Anyways, after we watched the movie I forget what we did... Oh I remember that after Trunk or Treat Julia, Jenna, and I went to watch Glee Club in my courtyard before the movie. After the movie though... I think we went to the dance. It was a buck and it was pretty decent. We came in right when all the clubs were doing the dances, and the Hip-Hop one was pretty sick. Hmmmm after the movie what did we do? Not sure... Somehow everyone left us and it was just Julia, Jenna, and I. We went to the beach I think and began watching She's The Man? I guess Julia was really tired or something and left... We walked her back, Jenna and I weren't tired so we went back I guess. We went to the grassy area next to the showers and we layed there for a while, talking... then kissing. lol It was a pretty amazing night. We had that little banter before we kissed, where we looked each other in the eyes and she asked me what the way she does, and I said nothing the way I do. And this time she said, no it was something, and I said maybe and said the same thing to her... And somehow I asked her what better than she asked me and she just said I could show you better than I could explain to you, and then... I kissed her. Ha. It was pretty awesome is all I gotta say, we definitely did not watch the rest of She's The Man. I'm not sure how late we stayed out, but it was fairly late. That was a good night, before all the worries, and stress. We went home, held hands, and I walked her home. And I just went to bed, happy as a clam. Haha. I guess that was a pretty memorable night, since I remember quite a bit of it. Lucky me ;)

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 44

Man I need to find a better time to blog I guess, this one is for yesterday... It's 5pm lol

Hmmm what all happened? Yesterday was good! Let's see if I can remember it...

Woke up at like 9:30 right when self-defense was about to start since marketing was canceled. So I got there at like 10:10 lol I was super slow, we were watching a a movie. It was some stupid movie too, it was super corny. I did my Book of Mormon homework in it. I was going to miss lunch and breakfast again stupid. I need to find some time to sack and see if what Jeff said is right, if I can sack it then come back and eat it later. Anyways went to Book of Mormon, got there super early, Emika sat by me. We didn't say a word to each other the entire time. Left, went to astronomy and that again was boring, then went to economics. Steph and I taught the class, we didn't really talk at all though. We separated afterwards and then I went to my room for a while I think. I went to the library for a bit because I had already missed lunch and hung out with Jenna, she had to leave at 3 to do laundry so I went to my room for about half an hour and ate some shrimp cup noodles haha. I went to psych for, sat by Sara. She was kind of being gay. She was like, Champ I'm gonna charge you for using my book. WTF? I don't get to use my book when I want to so if you're gonna borrow it. Wow. Ask for it back idiot. I should charge you for using my boogie board, what a faggot. Anyways that class got out way early and I think we all went to eat dinner together, Charlene, Liza, Jenna, Julia, and Ali. Afterwards we left and actually played tennis. We wanted to play badminton but stupid freaking brackets were made the day before when I was taking my econ test. So Julia and Jenna and I went to play tennis because we wanted to, DJ wanted to play racket ball so him and Ali went. We played tennis for a while, Jenna is pretty horrible haha. But it was lots of fun, DJ and Ali came by later. It was a tiny bit awkward I guess, I was sitting on the benches at the side cause I was tired, Jenna was doing homework. Ali was sitting on my right... Anyways. After a long time, I decided to go shower, Liza came in right as I decided that so we left to my lounge together so we could do our homework. I just changed and came down, and we did my statistics homework so she could know what was on it for hers... we ended up finished at 10, she couldn't start hers. Eff. I felt really bad cause she had pretty much just done my homework for me and she didn't do hers. Liza's pretty amazing though she didn't care haha. I think out of all the new friends I made Liza is probably my favorite. I guess Jenna too though haha, but for different reasons I suppose? Anyways, after a while they finished tennis, and came into the lounge and we decided we were going to the beach. Jenna and Julia and DJ and Ali went home. Dani was like really angry at something and didn't want to talk or hang out with us. We decided to go to the beach again, I tried to get Jenna and Julia to come. I even brought Jenna a cookie from when she said she wanted one from earlier lol Julia had homework, Jenna was previously obligated with Rusty I guess, Dani seemed like she hated me at that moment. Ali, Matt, Charlene, Liza, and I ended up going. It was pretty fun, it started out really cloudy but cleared up around 2ish. Jenna texted me at like 1:30 but I didn't notice because my phone was in Liza's purse. I wish I had cause she had been thinking about coming over after hanging out with Rusty. I texted her at 2, but I guess she was already asleep :( Liza and Charlene left at like 3ish, Matt, Ali, and I fell asleep for like an hour. Then Matt left, and then I decided we should leave too like half an hour after him. Ali actually has a lot of character, personality, and past experiences. Kind of surprising I guess... I know, that's horrible to say. We didn't make out tonight lol Glad to say that's not all our relationship anymore, she's a pretty nice girl. Anyways we shook out the towels, I had already sent my laptop with Matt. We walked home, chatted a bit on the way back. I walked her to her dorm, and then went to my room and sleep.

Whitney... is pretty much ridiculous. I don't even understand what's going on in her mind anymore, obviously she either doesn't think anything up or she doesn't care enough to try to acknowledge it. I don't even know what to do with her, everyone's the same in my life I guess. Whenever I get close to anyone, friendship wise or otherwise, I get screwed. Maybe I'm just meant to not be close to anyone ever again. I guess the closest friend I've kept this whole time is Katie. And we hardly talk, we're hardly friends by definition actually. Just friends by default, she has Tony. Lea was my default best friend for a while but I guess we just were too distant, and then eventually just forgot about each other... I guess now I'm scared haha. I'm at an awkward stage... again. Past experience, Emily and Emika. Current circumstances, Jenna, Dani, Ali. Future? Who knows... Ali sounds like she wants us to actually have a relationship, but again she has a boyfriend... lol Jenna? I'm pretty sure I like her, but how much? Enough to want to be in a relationship with her? She has a boyfriend too... Haha. Dani... she's great. I love her, why does she like me? I know I ask myself this anytime someone likes me, especially when it's not someone I like in the first place because I'm not attractive physically or personalitywise unless I like a person and only that person would find me attractive is what I feel like. Anyways, life's getting pretty effed up again. Let's hope it doesn't get too super bad again huh? Life's pretty swell considering everything that's happened, is happening, and I know will happen.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 43

So I just found out I don't have marketing tomorrow and so I procrastinated this blog till 3AM. I'm really sad I didn't write for the past 2 days, everything is already becoming a blur to me, some big stuff happened on Sunday and Monday too! I still plan on trying to get it out... We'll see I guess.

So woke up late, 11:10AM. Dangit Liza! Just call me, no texts! lol Anyways, missed breakfast, missed devotional, lazed around, blasted some music, showered, went to Statistics like 20 minutes late. Facebooked the whole time, I'm definitely effed when I take my statistics test this week or next haha. Probability I know nothing about! Anyways... Ali texted me about lunch so Braden, Ali, and I ate with Bart and friends. We really need to home teach, ugh. Kind of not looking forward to that lol So lunch ended... not 100% sure what happened. I think Liza was in class? Jenna was studying or something. I feel like I ate lunch with her, but no I didn't. Actually. lol Man writing late at night throws me off... Anyways, I guess I was texting her during lunch and after we finished eating I went to go find her in the library to help her study for the economics test. I went to her little corner and snuck up on her to scare her, she was asleep. Haha. Silly girl. So basically we went through every practice quiz from chapters 20-23. It took decades, I don't think I've ever studied that long for a regular test before. It was nice though, Julia came some time during our study session. We actually got a lot done, I thought I was just going to be a distraction lol So they went to eat dinner super early or something cause they had cause they had stuff to do, home teaching, some meeting, then study group for economics. As we were leaving I look over the edge of the railing and see Jerald and Elisha, so I whisper Jerald loudly and duck. He looks around wondering who it is, so I do that to him a few times, then Elisha sees me and laughs, so I start giggling too. Game over. lol Jerald came up and tried to stalk us, but we out ninja-ed him! So we went to eat at like 5, I wanted Liza to come but she didn't want to :( Luckily, going early with them I went and for the first time didn't see any of those girls! Sweet. Unfortunately they had to leave me, their other friends had already left. Luckily, Jeff came over and sat with me. He's actually pretty decent guy, he's a lot nicer than first impressions let on I guess haha We talked about class, missions, my recent conversion, school, we talked about a lot. It was a decent conversation. After we finished, I left headed to my dorm, it was pretty close to 6ish, a little after. So I went to my room and charged my laptop, and facebooked or something until it was time for the study group. I was a couple of minutes late, but just in time for the information I needed. Jenna was already there and there was a seat next to her so I sat by her. The information Mike went over seemed pretty much review, mostly. So I was feeling fairly confident, I knew it was going to be a hard test though because of all the equations, terms, and stuff that had to be memorized. After he finished, Jenna and I were first up and out, too bad we went to long way around haha. Stephanie wasn't in the study group at all, I don't think she even took the test today. Oh well her loss. Anyways, we got there and I put my stuff in her backpack and we go in the testing center and fricking the lady takes like years to get over to us and put in our passwords for the test. I start the test and immediately realize, this test is going to take a lot longer. It has 60 questions instead of 40 or 50. But more importantly, it was taking me nearly 15 seconds a question, and maybe a minute for the ones that involved math. Man I was going to be there for forever, so much for the 10minutes I told Liza I would take lol It ended up taking me half an hour, holy crap. I finished the test, and was like wow... That test was freaking hard, and long, and I should have went back over the test to check a few answers I knew I got wrong but I was just sick of it and didn't. Luckily, Jenna and I felt confident so I looked back as I got up and mouthed, "Good luck," to her. I ran into a problem after turning in my test... I got an 85% by the way, so pretty good I guess. But problem, I forgot which one her backpack was... Haha. The testing center was jam-packed. I was so screwed. I searched through a few backpacks thinking it would be awkward if one of the owners of the bags I was looking through walked by and saw me. So after a few bags I left, went to the library and saw Jeff, so I asked Jeff if I could use his cellphone to call Steph to tell Liza I would be a bit longer... Ha funny story, I called, she picked up, "Hey!" I reply "Ummm hey Steph." Her response? "Oh.... hey...." Haha. What a douche. lol Anyways she sounded stupid so I just told her what I wanted her to tell Liza, I went back to the testing center, turned off someone's stupid alarm on their phone that kept going off, then searched some more, and finally found my stuff! I called up Liza, we decided to meet up in my lounge so she could sign up for classes. I brought my laptop down, we started signing up, then I realized hip-hop club meeting was just starting so I went to that and Liza came with me, Charlene had gotten to the lounge a while after us and was then just going to stay there I guess. On our way to the ballroom she called and I guess she was coming with us, they ended up going to Open Mic together. At the hip-hop club there was a lesson about tagging, we got sheets of paper and markers. I made a paper airplane, and so did Jerald. His sister made me this cool thing of my name though! Anyways, hip-hop went a little over timewise, cause we were watching a couple people show off at the end. I was going to watch some opec mic with them but got there right as it ended, so they came over to my lounge with me, Dani was just finished her relief society thing, perfect timing. Liza helped me apply for another job, also in the cafeteria. Charlene went back to her hale to make sandwiches, Dani was coming over with peach cobbler. 11PM rolled by too soon, so we had to leave, I signed out, picked up my stuff and we went back to the girls dorms. We decided to actually go to the beach! Yay! Well Dani didn't she went to her room to study :( Poo. 11:10 came up and I was like dude, I should go yell at Jenna's window for her to come to the beach! So at 11:11 I did, perfect timing. Jenna came, and Julia did too with a little persuasion I suppose. So Jenna, Julia, Liza, Charlene, Matt and I went to the beach! We walked over to Temple Beach, layed our towels down, played some jams, stargazed. Charlene, Liza and Matt were semi-sleep and spooning haha. Julia and Jenna had to leave at one to do homework I guess :( So we all left at 1. We dropped them off at their dorms, walked back to ours, and now here I am.

So basically... today was... good. Very good even.

Whitney... texted me today. Haha. More than the 11:11 texts for once. She finally told me about Jake tonight, how long's it been? 3 weeks? Nearly a month? Then she asks me the stupidest thing in the world, oh how did you find out? Ha. Ha. Ha. Haaaa.... Wow Whitney. Wow. I can not believe you honestly asked me that, where were you when I was having problems with Emily again? This MUST be a new girl, I knew the girl I loved wasn't so stupid, so hypocritical, so disloyal, and so naive. So I just told her the only important thing was that I didn't find out from her, she gave me some crap excuses before I said that. "I had a letter prepared for you like a month ago but I had some extra stuff to add, actually I've been really busy, blah blah blah." Like I haven't heard that before. Like I haven't heard that before from the same girl she promised to never become, and she's become exactly that girl. Choice for choice, action for action. Yay Whitney! You topped Emily, both Emilys. You knew better, you had the example of what not to be, you had every other choice. You knew exactly what not to do, and you did exactly that. All of it. I congratulate you on this amazing feat. I was sure I picked better, I was sure no one could do as much damage as Emily, I was sure I couldn't have that bad of luck. I was wrong.

Helen hasn't talked to me at all. I  think she's mad at me... Yeah yeah I know, over analyzing, assuming things, whatever. I should try to talk to her tomorrow. She is my best friend and all... I guess I don't treat her as well as I should, she does put up with me. That's saying a lot...

Breeanna! Gosh she's coming to visit me for nearly 100% sure now, Dec 3-7 I think? Still have class :( She's bringing Sam and Monica with her now I think though... I guess I'm a little disappointed. I'll be glad to see them too I guess, but I just wanted alone time with one of my best friends. It's not the same I guess, with her girlfriends and me. Oh well... Beggars can't be choosers haha...

Jake, I'm kind of disappointed in him honestly. Not too much, but kind of a little. I wish he had told me about Whitney, it would have been second best hearing from him. Oh well.

Ali and I had a mini-chat after lunch, and we straightened things up a bit. Hopefully that'll fix any future problems that may have arisen from Sunday night's long talk on the beach.

Jenna... Jenna. Jenna. Ha. Heroine? So what do I say? Jenna found my blog today. I wasn't really expecting anyone to find it from here, I expected a few people to find it from back home, actually more than who have found it already. Seems kind of funny, since the past few days I've written about her a lot, a lot more than I remember haha. She read over all the blogs pretty much from this week, ha. I felt kind of embarassed to be honest. So she read over all of them and I asked her what she learned, she said something like you write a lot, or something. Then she said, you like too many girls. Haha. So harsh, yet so true. So I was sure that was it, she had read the part about where I was beginning to like her, I mean I know she has a boyfriend at Provo, well since yesterday I found out for sure. So I just assumed eh, that's a lost cause. It's really weird writing this... I'm half-expecting her to be reading this haha. So Jenna, if you are reading this... Read on knowing that it is 4am and I may not really be comprehending what my fingers are spelling out. Anyways, on our beach escapade I was just expecting all of us to lay there and watch stars, but Matt, Charlene and Liza kind of separated a little lol So basically it was Julia, Jenna and I on one side of the towels. Well... we held hands. This kind of kills me lol I just hope... this isn't Emily and Emika all over... again for like the 5millionth time in my life. Haha. So I'm unsure of what to do, how to feel, what Jenna feels, actually what I really feel, and how to act. I guess I just have to put trust and faith into her, that she won't pull an Emily on me. I just have to hope that she won't play me, that she'll be straight up with me, that things will work out well. I really can't afford to go through all that all over again. Because honestly, I'm just running out of people. Period.

Sarah... is talking to me on facebook. Hmmm... I don't really have any resentment towards her anymore, I guess she wasn't much compared to more recent events. Well I guess she lucked out huh?

Charlene... such a weird girl. She's great, but sometimes she can be a jerk too. In some ways I feel really close to her, in others I just wonder why I even talk to her about anything. Ah well, I guess I got Liza, if I can ever get her alone again. Liza and Charlene are together more than Jeff thinks Steph and I are haha.

So... here I am. Awkward position as always. Who do I like? Who likes me? Who do I trust? Who do I forgive? Who do I want as my friends? What do I do? Where do I go from here? Awwwww man. So many questions, so much out of my control. So I feel like my blog is about to leak, not sure if I can write about people anymore, I've somewhat tried to be ambiguous, except on a few occasions. Mostly using just first names, but it's not hard to figure out. Haha it's a bit more awkward to write when you know that people you are writing about are reading. I had a great time tonight at the beach, we know why. I won't say her name here cause all she does is scan for her name lol So unless she actually truly reads them she won't catch this. I want my life to just be normal, my life always seems to have people who too many problems out of the norm. I like it, I love it, I love helping people, I like to make people feel better, I love talking, I like it when people come to me for help. Sometimes things are just crazy, like there's no way I can know these people and then there's that unfathomably wide range of issues that are attributed to them. I love my friends, I wish I could just do everything for them, I hate that they make mistakes, I hate that sometimes those mistakes cost them, I wish I could just make it all go away and be better. There's my wish for 11:11.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 42

Again... a long day. I know I've skipped blogging like twice now... but I think I'm gonna have to skip for today. Write about it later. And yesterday too.

A week later and here I am trying to recollect. Here's my sad attempt.

I woke up late, barely made it to marketing. Did capsim in it. Ate breakfast, went home, did book of mormon homework. Went to self defense, didn't do anything because we were supposed to watch a movie but didn't. Went to astronomy, went on facebook the whole time. Went to economics, got out, went home. Dunno what I did. Ate dinner. Slept.

I dunno, man that's a day gone that I won't ever remember now. I'm gonna try harder not to skip!

Wait I remember some more, we went to FHE. Liza and Charlene and I went, we were hanging out before hand. We ended up being late and missing the entire lesson part of it, we played Mafia. I was the first person hung. Great. Love my ward. Haha. Jonny and Gwen were there. Uh Lauren tried to talk to me that day, lol so funny. She complimented me and stuff. Whatever. I had a limbo competition haha. I won.

I dunno, that day seemed pretty chill. Nothing major happened, I know I saw people in the cafe, but whatever I don't even care anymore. There's my pathetic recollection...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 41

Uh yeah... I'll post it later. 5:30 AM right now and I'm freaking tired as heck. Gonna get a 1 hour nap I guess.

So I missed church. I'm not even sure what all I did today. I'm posting about like 4 days ago. So I missed our Service Council meeting before church that ended up being canceled anyways. After that I lazed around for a while, went to dinner with peoples. It was jampacked in the cafeteria, I think it was fast Sunday actually, don't really remember. We played cards after dinner, a bunch of us in our lounge. Some guy got mad at us for playing music on the Sabbath and I saw him making out with this chick a bunch of times. I was like dude, shut up and respect the Sabbath lol I don't quite remember what we did after this, but somehow we ended up going home early, Ali and I ended up hanging out because Dani and Matt couldn't come with us. So we went to the beach and talked for a long long time, I was about to go to bed when she texted me asking if I wanted to do anything. I figured we already had to talk anyways so we could talk then. We got to the beach at like 1ish, and talked about everything. We talked about us, Dani, her life, her situation. She comes from a really rough and tough past, she has a lot of character, and has come through a lot of hardship. I also found out she's a sophomore and nearly 20. lol I guess that's not a big deal, I'm kind of close to being 19.  I keep thinking I'm still young like when Morgan and I had that thing, when i was 16 and she was 18, or 19 I forget haha. Anyways we talked, and sat for a while, and she decided she wanted to kiss me. So... she did. And we kind of made out for a little bit. I know if people read this they'll probably be mad... whatever. I guess their opinion doesn't really matter since no one really has a right to judge me anymore. No one in my life has that right anymore I think, a few people are building up to that point, but really no one yet. Anyways after we kissed for a bit the beach was getting super cold and sandy so we went to lay in the grass next to Temple Beach showers but that grass was freaking sharpy and pokey as heck. So at like 5:30 we went home cause I couldn't stand the coldness, grassiness, etc. I was actually pretty exhausted too lol So we went home, I went to sleep for 2 hours or something...

Day 40

Oh man. What a crazy day. Not even sure, I'm so freaking mentally tired right now. I might actually do 2 posts today, one to clarify and augment everything I write now lol

So it started off... me waking up late. As usual now. I woke up around 1ish? I was getting ready super slow thinking I was going to eat at like 2PM, I walked out of my room, saw Jonny on the way there, he told me it closed at 1:30. Balls. So I went back to my room, made some cup noodles, and waiting for Liza and Charlene to be done with their Hawaiian Club opening social thing, I was thinking about going just for the food but it was all the way past the temple. Too far to walk for me haha So I waited in my room, they finally came back, that was a super long social! They brought me back a burger :) Awww they're so nice. On the way out to get the burger I saw DJ and James, they were talking about giving Limewire a try on James' computer. Liza and Charlene were going to go to some mall, Wayward Mall and get some Halloween costumes. I contemplated going but then decided against it because... I didn't think I wanted to go. So I went to my lounge, chilled for a while, then went to my room. I stayed there till... dinner. Jenna and Braden invited me, I ended up sitting with Braden's table since he invited me first. So... cafeteria... again. Emily and Sara are sitting there as I walk in. We have some... sort of glances, I'm on the phone with Helen so can't really talk to them, or I guess I had an excuse not to. I go get some salad cause the line for the main dish is super long, so I go to Braden's table, which is full. So I set my salad down on a separate table and go back for food/drinks. I come back and Braden says he saved me a seat, a corner seat next to 2 people I didn't know lol Oh well, I sat there. And realizing, holy crap. Emika was sitting at the table across from me. At this point, Emily and Sara left... So I eat and talk for a while, then of all people... Lauren comes, great. I got up to get some food, and by the time I got back she was sitting across from my spot, what was I supposed to do? Ugh. Luckily... Jenna and Julia were sitting behind me! Saved! I sat with them, and explained to them about Lauren, they already knew my life was a coincidence in the cafeteria. Then stupid stalker guy/girl texts me. So basically, I tell Liza this and she goes, well I know Stephanie wasn't there. I was like yeah, but she was the only one. She told me they were together, at the mall lol Glad I didn't go. Liza said this really funny thing though, well maybe if she had known you were coming do you think she would have gone? Ha. So true. Anyways I was freaking out about how gay it was that everyone was there at once again. Dani and Ali sit behind me, I invited them to come out with Julia and Jenna and I but they were ok with sitting together I guess lol So Jenna and Ali decided to go to the 7:00 showing of Twilight instead of the 9:30 one. I invite Dani to come, and eventually she did. After making ridiculous fun of the movie, and texting Emily Culp about it, we came out and decided to go to Foodland. Jenna and Julia wanted to go for candy, Dani and Ali wanted to go because they were going to bake a cake for her birthday, I invited DJ and Ryker to come with. So we all met up at the Aloha Center, and it was lots of fun! I really think I'm starting to like Jenna... crap. Haha. This is the start to half my problems... the other half is when they start to like me, I guess I'm screwed either way it seems huh? Anyways, we do a bunch of cartwheels, round-offs, and clicking our heels together on the way there. We search around for a while and Dani decides to get brownies instead of cake. Good choice! Jenna and Julia get some candy. Then we stop by Taco Bell for food, we ended up losing Jenna and Julia because they didn't want to walk and eat. Dang :( Anyways, we went back, I saw Braden on the way and invited him over. We split up, got our tools together, I got my utensils and computer, Braden preheated the oven. And we were cooking! Dani brought over a bunch of food haha. They got kicked out right as the brownies finished in the oven, we had a fun time getting it out without any hot gloves haha. Stephanie, Liza, and Charlene were still at the 9:30 showing of Twilight. Jenna and Julia were still missing, doing homework I suppose. I put the candles in the brownie batter after letting it sit in the fridge for a couple minutes, I got the bright idea to put Dani's name in candles, it looked ugly. lol And the ends of the candles ended up melting in the brownies... shoot. Haha. We end up walking over to the McKay building because the candles won't light. We sit down on a random bench, Ali, Dani, DJ, Ryker, Braden and I. We eat and play some poker, finally Liza and Stephanie and Charlene find us. They were actually looking for their headbands I guess lol They found them and came back out and joined us, Stephanie left rather quickly. Midnight rolled around, we were like crap we all gotta sign out! So we split up, went back to our Hales, Jenna and Julia said they were going to hang out with us, it made me happy :) So we all met up at the corner benches by our dorm, Ryker was gonna drive us somewhere. There was a bonfire but it was ruled out, we decided we were just going to go to some random beach. Jenna and Julia end up deciding it's kind of late and decide not to come :( Aw man. Then Dani and Ali get held up, I guess her other friends are having a party for her. So it ends up being me, Ryker, DJ, Liza and Charlene. The girls didn't want to go far, ironically we went super far because there were no open beaches. We went to some random sketchy beach that we had to like jump down a little mini-cliff to get to. So we help each other up and down and then after like 10 seconds there, we leave. It was a really cool beach, hopefully we get to go to it during the day sometime. We decided to go to 7-11 to get some food, which was all the way past Laie the other direction lol So I had to pee, I met some interesting homeless people near the bathroom. We got slurpee and this weird watermelon trolli type thing that tasted asian. We go to Foodland and play some scum. After a while, Ryker and DJ wanna go home. When we get to the girls dorm, I say geez I'm not tired and still wanna do stuff, they agree. DJ is still tired and we dropped him off, I got Dani and Ali to come out and play. Ryker had to poop so we waited in the car, and by the time he was done they were ready so we went to pick them up. This is kind of where the night gets blurry because of a bunch of repeated actions. We went by the PCC a few times, our little corner spot. I forget if DJ actually went with us or not. But I just know we played truth or dare app a lot. This is where things got a bit crazy. So at first, pretty sure it was Ryker up front, Ali sitting down, Dani on top of her, then me on the right back seat, Liza on my lap, and then Charlene on the left. We played a bit of truth and dare and realized this was hard to play in a car, so we got out, sat in a circle. Ryker 1, Dani 2, Ali 3, Me 4, Liza 5, Charlene 6. Actually yeah we definitely played before. Cause it was Ryker 1, me 2, Liza 3, and Charlene 4 for a while. I guess we played before we picked up Dani and Ali, but after he pooped. Yeah we got apps on his iPods while he pooped. Anyways, at first we played only a couple of rounds which seemed like decent fun. So we played us 6. A few things came up, like kiss the person on your left blah blah. Then I got a good one... kiss the person on your right for a whole minute, or something like that. So that was Ali... Before just now, I hadn't even noticed Ali. Like during the day or any other time we had hung out, I was attracted to her at all, I hadn't noticed her. This was while we were in the car, I realized we couldn't really kiss at all, so we all got out. Basically... I just did it. Just expecting like a one second thing and then giggles and it was over, it was like... 10 seconds. So the whole game I things were getting worse and worse, like everyone kissed, except Ryker and I lol We ended up even just replacing it with spin the bottle for a bit, I wasn't too into it, and everyone else kind of felt the same way after a while so we went back to that. We played for a long time, then Charlene and Liza wanted to go home, Liza wanted to shower because I had had to stick my tongue in her ear for one of the dares haha. Dani and Ali wanted to do stuff still and so did I, we sort of drove around for a bit, then we went to the PCC spot again and played in his car. Stuff started getting pretty crazy. Basically I misjudged this Ali girl and she's way comfy with herself lol And actually same with Dani. Somehow... I guess I got them both to take off their shirts. Which actually wasn't a big deal, then we got bored of truth and dare. So we went back, and Ali says now I actually wanna do something. We were like eh? I joking said, yeah I wanna make out with you again. And she said okay, but seriously. lol So somehow Ryker turned the car around, we went back to PCC spot and again somehow... her and I left the car. We walked for a while cause I told her she was in control. We walked past the PCC, towards pounders, it was raining and 5am. We both had to pee, neither of us had our cell phones, she made the wise decision to turn around and we went to pee at the Chevron. We lost Ryker we thought, well I thought. I was walking back along the roadway, when she was just like you're ridiculous and somehow we ended up walking to a grassy area next to like a dumpster I guess and in some apartments. And... we just make out. For a while, and it was nice. Not even gonna lie, I missed it. She was freaking aggressive lol So unexpected. I won't go into detail, not like I have been for this entire night part. I'm leaving out buttloads I can tell lol Basically, we did it for a while, then stopped because I realized it was light and people were walking about. She wanted to just keep going, wow. Haha. Anyways after we stopped I realized we had done it like in a bunch of burrs. No bueno. Our hair was messed up, we had dirt all over, burrs everywhere, yeah definitely didn't look like we had been making out lol Luckily, Ryker passed by! Yay Ryker! Apparently, him and Dani only talked in the car. We drove home, dropped them off, then Ryker told me some stuff. I was screwed. Effed in the butt. Again. I realized, Dani liked me, I totally was hitting on her roommate and then went out and made out with her roommate, all on her birthday timeish. I was such a dick. Ugh. This always happens to me, I guess this one is actually more my fault though. I made the conscious decision to just let things go. So here's the synopsis of my life here. Liked Emily, Emika liked me. Both got screwed up, killed me, and I'm trying to avoid now. Like Jenna, not sure if I like Liza or if she likes me. Kind of into Ali, Dani is into me. Effed. This Ali girl is freaking crazy. I had no idea. I can't lie and say I didn't like it, this was my first time ever doing something like this. Heck when we played truth or dare, the worst stuff we got was to get Emily McD to lick her toe. Haha. I guess college is different huh? I was pretty stupid though. How could I have missed that? Only create more problems for myself. What's stupid? She told me she had a boyfriend back home, after. lol Stupid girls... And that she was into this kind of stuff, I was shocked lol She was more aggressive than any girl I've ever been with I think. Even Morgan when she drank wasn't this crazy, she was kind of like just all over me wanting it, Ali was kind of all over me taking it and giving it. lol Wow this sounds really bad, I kind of hope no one reads this haha. Anyways... it's now 9am. Got home 7ish.

What do I do? I'm going to talk to Dani, in person. She's great, I don't want to ruin things between her and I. Well I guess, not ruin things more than I have already. What do I do with Ali? Wow I'm not even sure lol I think I need to have a talk with her too. Jenna? She's a funny girl, I'm really attracted to her personality. And she looks pretty good too! How am I gonna work this out? Liza and Charlene and sort me out! Well... I'll tell Liza anyways haha. Charlene seems a bit more judgemental. Anyways I'm dying of exhaustion. So time to sleep, I may contine this later, or at evaporate; Churhc at 12:20. Yeah right,,, I love BYU.

Good night. Agh. TBC maybe.

Wow so I definitely woke up just now at 4:30PM and found a bunch of random letters typed and the letter G typed like 500 times at the end. Hah I feel like this is what happens when you drink, send random texts, then get a hangover... Haha. Freaking crazy. Missed church, missed lunch.This is the first day of church I've missed actually. Weird. Anyways... I guess I'll wake up now...

Day 39

A good day!

Started off not so well, I went to bed like 4. Had to get up at 7. I almost didn't go to class again, I was 10 minutes late. Went home but didn't sleep. I played with Capsim a bit. I facebooked. Pretty much did nothing till noon. Somehow it came and I was still 5 minutes late to astronomy, then went to economics. All we did in class was a tutorial for astronomy, then learned terms for chapter 23 in economics. Steph and I separated without much of a word, she had a stomach ache I guess. Anyways I texted Liza later and she came over and we just hung out. Before that though Marco and I tried to get us a job, we went to the physical plant and the career center. No luck. Liza helped me get my resume done and on the website though, now I just gotta search through jobs. We chilled for a long time, downloaded a bunch of music. DJ came out, then finally Charlene woke up. We went to dinner at 6ish, DJ almost ditched out on us and almost went with Emily an hour later. We ended up eating with Jonny's friends, that wasn't all that fun but whatever. At least it wasn't with Sara, Emily and Steph. Jenna and friends came in, in the middle. She had gone to the beach, I was supposed to go with her but I had kind of just been lazing about instead. Anyways she ate with us, Liza and Charlene painted their nails, DJ and I went back to our lounge to watch TV/wait for them. They finally got there, we downloaded more music, Liza stole a bunch. Songfest time came around, they had to get ready. 9oclockish rolled around and DJ and I left for songfest too. On the way there... Steph and Emily met up with us... Apparently, that was a purposeful event, not coincidental. I guess today was good with coincidences, I had only randomly passed Emily once in the hallway during passing, she said hi to me. We got in the CAC after I argued with Kekoa to give me more glowsticks, and Jenna came and found me. I told them to come sit with us, but I told Steph. Stupid choice I know, she never listens to me. Oh well, I'm glad I sat with Jenna, it was way fun. Songfest was great, all the clubs were amazing. I actually got to talk to Jenna, have fun with her, interact. If I had been with them up top, I probably would have been bored out of my mind, getting annoyed, and texted more. Hawaiian Club finally came on and I saw Liza and Emika but no Charlene haha They just left after it finished I guess, they were close to the end, not really. They decided to go to Taco Bell right as it ended and left, Jenna and I decided to go to Foodland to get Icee and meet up with them there. We saw McCall there! It was her birthday at midnight! So all of today! It was fun wishing her happy birthday, we ninjaed her haha After a while we came back, after a bunch of indecision my courtyard was empty so we watched some spider movie called Arachniphobia there. It was sweet, actually I missed like all of the movie. Just spending time with cool people, Liza, Charlene, and Jenna was sweet. Late late, McCall came over and joined us for a bit. She hates no-reason cuddling so apparently, I got a special treatment :) Yay. She stole Jenna away though :( Hah. It was super late, 3:30 or so, Charlene and Liza and I were just laying there talking, then the security comes in and honor codes us. Luckily, they were joking, it was Aaron and his partner again, but they were off duty already. We decided to play it safe and not push it and we all left. Now here I am...

I left out so many things, I'm just super exhausted lol

I was supposed to go to Waikiki with Dani today for her birthday, she never told me when they were leaving. I'm glad it turned out this way :) I'm sure it would have been great, but tonight was pretty sweet.

DJ was a good guy today, he didn't pull an Emily, Steph, Sara by skipping out on me when he said he was going to do something.

Sara and Stephanie and Emily and I didn't talk today.

Helen was texting me this morning, I was sending her crazy texts back that I don't even remember. She went to homecoming today! Apparently it was great! I'm super happy for her. Today is Bothell's homecoming, Jake and Whitney are going together. Today is Jake's birthday too... lol Coincidences right? Ha

Charlene, Liza, and Jenna, are sweet. Thing is I think I might be attracted to Liza and Jenna. Ha crap. Hopefully it's nothing that will turn out like before. It's probably just feelings of regular attraction though, hopefully anyways. I definitely don't wanna go through that again.

I left today so blank :( I feel bad, time for sleep though...

I have no reason to come back home, I guess a few people truly miss me but I can't spend hundreds of dollars, especially for that. It would be different if I had a family that missed me and loved me, a girl that was waiting for me to come back, and a lot of friends who honestly wanted to just see my face again. Right now, I guess there's a few people who want me back... Helen, Bree, Katie? All 3 of them are already coming to visit me... lol No point going back. Good-bye forever Washington?

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 38

A very weird day, but overall. Good again.

Started off with me being woken up by Dani for breakfast. I got there late lol After breakfast we went to the library to do our capsim simulator. Rusty met us there after 10:20 when his class got out, Natalie couldn't make it cause of soccer practice or something. We did that for a while, we did a bunch of extra rounds I guess. Emika was sitting right on the corner computer and we caught a few glances at each other... A bit awkward I guess. Since I was behind the glass in one of those rooms. Then noon came around and I went to Statistics, Braden had slept in apparently. We learned a lot of important things during class today, I didn't learn any of them. Oops. Anyways, I was on Facebook, talking to Jenna, messing with one of Liza's friends, then class ends. I text up Jenna and it's time to hit the cafeteria. Who else is there but... Emily and Sara, I tell Jenna it's ok that we sit with them so we do. Sara is all happy and whatever, same as always. Emily, quiet, blah blah. Who walks in later? Emika... Hurray! She sat far away from us. Then who else... uh I think Steph came too. Yeah she did. Then Lauren came in. Ha. Anyways I'm explaining this real bad cause it's real late, but the whole day was pretty freaking ridiculous. Sara and Emily left first, Braden was still eating. Jenna and I left, we met up with her roommate in the library and she started doing her essay, sort of. lol We facebooked mostly, I messed around with Liza's friend some more. Then after a while her battery was going to die so we left, and then separated. I got home, pretty much right away fell asleep. I was tired, woke up 2 hours later. Liza texted me saying we should go to dinner, so I went. I couldn't find them so I ate with Gerald and Braden and friends in the back corner. Emily and Sara were there, didn't see anyone else but I'm sure everyone else was there too... lol They found me and we ate some dessert together, then we left. We went to their Hale, I stood by the light pole on the corner, a couple was getting honor coded for pda I guess! It was ridiculous... but pretty funny at the same time. They weren't even doing anything! I swear... Anyways, after a while Liza comes out first, and we stand around talking to the couple on the bench who got honor coded. After a few moments, Emily walks by. Wow what a dick she was. She walked few inches from me, without looking up, walked right by and didn't say a word. Gave me the coldest shoulder ever. Ha she's the one who wants to be treated like a human? She gives me the worst treatment ever, at least she's real though I guess. A few moments later, Sara and Steph and some others pass us. Freaking Stephanie comes up to me and tries to kick me, wtf. She's retarded. Always pissy about if I touch her, she's so gay. Sara, OH HEY CHAMP. Wow... I hate them all so much. Emika, I'm just disappointed. That could have turned out well, that may very well have actually been my fault. Although the way she is acting now is completely under her control. Anyways Charlene came back a few minutes after finally. Liza saw how stupid everyone acted towards me, honestly I think Liza is the only one who really sees what I go through. Like literally, sees it. Not just "understand" or whatever. She knows how to solve it, so do I. I just can't, solution? Care less. Champ? Not possible. Anyways... we head to my Hale, and when we get in, it smells amazing. Matt and everyone are cooking the fish they caught, they tasted great! Super bony though... Anyways we chilled there for a while, DJ, Matt, Charlene, Liza, others. Then Charlene and Liza had to leave for Hawaiian club, but Dani and her roommate were coming over so no big! We had been playing Spades but DJ and I freaking owned Charlene and Liza. When Dani and her roommate came he went to finish his essay, we played phase 10 with a couple of random guys who kept coming and going. We made burnt popcorn, it was nearly 11PM. They still weren't back from Hawaiian club, they messed around with me saying that they were at a party and had left in some guys car. lol JERKS! It was pretty funny though, seeing as how it would have been quite ironic if they had left, because that's what Sara, Emily, and Steph would have done. After we got kicked out, from it being 11 they decided to go to Foodland for stuff. I went with them, DJ decided to come for an energy drink, Matt came but waited for Pono and left on longboards so they beat us there. On the way we saw Jenna and friends. We got some food, I got peachios, and a Strawberry Icee for Charlene which I drank most of by the time we got back. Liza and Charlene didn't want to go to Foodland, stupid :( Anyways we went to get Taco Bell for Dani and walked back, DJ left already. We got back, Liza and Charlene came out we went to my Hale to get my laptop. Saw Jonny and friends in the courtyard, then we found a safe spot to watch Nightmare Before Christmas. It was by the stake center, next to the TVA. After watching it halfway through, Aaron, a guard, came by and just told us to go somewhere where he couldn't see us. I asked where that was, lol stupid Champ... he told us in the McKay building by the classrooms! lol Sweet. So we went there, finished out the movies, everyone was pretty much out. Liza and I were awakeish. Movie ended, we got back to our dorms around 3AM. I saw DJs door open and light on so I went to visit him, he was passed out haha. He was sprawled in his bed, head in the corner. Jonny was nowhere to be found. I peed in their bathroom, came up here. Here I am.

Whitney, tried to talk to me today. Maybe. After me saying how worthless wishes were she asked why I was in a crappy mood? I gave her some lame excuse which she either bought, or didn't care enough about. Again doesn't really matter huh?

Helen, sort of tried to talk to me today. I guess she talked to me when I was busy though. Maybe it seemed liked I was blowing her off again, I dunno.

DJ, again. Realized how stupid the girls are. I sent him an urban dictionary, the term was "selective fatigue syndrome" haha FRICKING HILARIOUS.

Dani and roommate, I forget her name, she's cool. Weird a little... But overall nice. Dani is way tight.

Jenna and roommate, also forget. Also cool, also weird... Again overall nice. Jenna is pretty amazing.

Matt, cool guy.

Ryker, kind of a douche, but in an overly compensating way I guess.

Sara, Emily, Steph. No need to separate them today... Basically, I hate them right now.

Charlene and Liza, my best friends right now :) Especially Liza!

Marika, is sending me her old digitial camera! Yay! I love my friends :D

Emika, wow. She's just being as stupid as the other girls. She may as well be their friends again though.

Well today was pretty messed up to be honest, this blog really didn't capture that and tell the story well. I was freaking out and giggling my heart out all during lunch lol I spent the day with everyone today, it was great. Ever since I stopped hanging out with them, like plain outright stopped. It's been better, I've met more people, I've made more friends, I'm having a much better time.Too bad it isn't all better huh? I still feel bad, I still cringe a bit when I think about it. I still feel jealous, I still feel gyped, I still feel used and abused. But, what can I do? Absolutely nothing, I've thought about it. I tried being proactive, reactive, passive, aggressive, you name it. Maybe it's just me, or just them and how they view me, or whatever. Maybe it just is the way it is is what I'm saying. Whatever people suck.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 37

Again, a good day, mostly.

lol Sleeping late is a bad idea for me, I slept in. Woke up just as marketing had ended, oops. So I got ready for class, did my Book of Mormon homework very crappily. I left at like 9:55, right as the cafeteria was closing down for sack meals! Ahhh I ran over there, got my food, the cashier person wasn't there so I just left. I walked to self-defense a bit late, turns out we had mid-terms today. I got to grade everyone, we all passed haha. Easiest mid-term ever. Then went to Book of Mormon, a little late cause I went to change since we got let out early of self-defense. Emika was sitting in a different spot, next to people. Uh... I sat by some random girls, they were nice. Emika and I didn't talk. I went to Astronomy, boring. Internet didn't work. Gay. We did some stupid tutorial. Went to economics, it was alright. Long lesson, seemed to pass right over my head. After Steph and I went to check mail, my stupid dad keeps messing with the bank, I got a letter personally from one of them and now I have to return a freaking letter to them. Anyways after that, Steph and I just separated. I went to my room for a little bit to charge up my laptop before 3 hour psych. I went right as class started, I was gonna sit in my normal spot but Sara had moved over to the right a spot, and asked if I was going to sit next to her so I did. Again facebook. We got let out super early though, like 5:30 or something. So we planned out Haunted Lagoon. Dinner first, then meet up with everyone, then leave for the lagoon. So I texted everyone up and a bunch of us ate dinner, then we met up in front of Hale 2. We all walked over to the PCC, we had a hard time just finding the ticket line, and even the attraction line. Finally after waiting in line, they told me my ticket was 10 bucks, wow. Gay. I decided just not to go, along with Gerald. After a long bit of debating and arguing, Emily and Liza went back in line since they had annual passes and got free tickets. We waited in line for like 2 hours. It was alright though, minus when Emily flipped a beezy at me. Honestly, what's her deal? I can handle all of them alone, once any of them get together it just falls apart, like they have some secrets and some kind of relationship I don't understand or something. Hanging out with Rusty, Gerald, Braden, Caralie, Jenna, others, and the normal group was pretty great though. Jenna is pretty awesome actually. Anyways, we got near to the beginning of the ride. And the people in front of us were like, hey can you not yell please? I was like... wtf. It's a haunted lagoon, you're stupid. After taking a before picture, we got on the canoe and what do they do? Scream. Stupid idiots. Just like the stupid idiots I call my friends. Say one thing, then do another. Anyways, the ride was pretty sweet! I got soaked... haha. I sat up front and Caralie and I held each other for safety haha. I think it was actually worth the wait, and may possibly have been worth the 10 bucks if I had paid it... During the wait, after Emily got all pissed at me for making fun of Sara using Blackle and thinking it was a viable energy solution, the line was awkward and we just were as far apart as possible. After the ride, Sara, Emily, and Steph just bailed. They're so gay... We went to Taco Bell, where I drank all of Gerald's drink haha. His sister ended up walking by when I was outside, what a coincidence lol After spending time there we walked back to campus, realizing I had like 40 minutes to take my economics test and do my psych assignment I was frantic. Jenna came over and helped me get a decent score! Dani came over too! We did our work for a while, then after that we watched Step-Up2 from her netflix. Stupid security came and kicked us out from our safe spot... gay. And now... here I am.

Whitney... texted me today. Short worthless exchanges. Oh well. She can do what she wants, it's her life. Obviously I'm not a part of it anymore.

Helen... unfortunately we didn't get to talk today. Since I got back home at 1AM. I feel bad again, don't want her to feel like I'm brushing her off. I guess that's kind of what I'm doing though huh? Meh

Jenna, she's pretty sweet. And short. Haha. She likes to play those painful games! Like bloody knuckles and stuff haha. This girl's a lot cooler than I thought lol.

Braden, cool to hang out with, cool to be in stats with, too bad about... Lauren. Haha.

Gerald, Obama as my best friend? Score.

Dani, also pretty sweet. Glad she's in my group for marketing. She's actually pretty fun now that she isn't so shy around me. I want to hang out with her more.

Stephanie, such a smart girl. She knows how to play her sides. Props to her for that, she's pretty jerkish to me though.

Sara, what can I say? Fine and even fun to be around by herself. Sometimes. Again, when she gets added to the mix, everything goes gay.

Liza, she's super nice! Way better than my other d-bag friends.

Charlene, she's like a little baby haha. She had to be dragged on the ride.

DJ, kind of gay today. He didn't come with us, dunno what he was doing. Maybe it would have been better if he had been there to entertain those 3.

Matt, also kind of gay. He didn't answer his phone either.

Emily... wow. Haha. I was so grateful to her for her taking the time to get in line again and get new tickets. But then she flipped out on me. If DJ had made that same comment about Sara's usage of Blackle thinking that it would save the earth she wouldn't have done a thing. She freaked out, then stupid Stephanie palm-faces me. Wtf? I hate them.

Actually, dunno how I consider that a good day. I guess I just don't caer as much about the bad anymore. Maybe that's a good sign? Maybe I'm taking things less to heart and sealing my soul and emotions back up? After they got ripped out by Emily and strewn and scattered all over the place it's just been easier for me to let my emotions show. Then new emotions appeared for Whitney and Emily. More anger at Emily, more expectations? I dunno how to say it. Whitney? Man... she should just listen to some Relient K songs.

Again I'd like to re-emphasize that I'm not as important as I make other people in my life. I don't really matter to anyone, for real. I guess I need to find some way to get that through to myself. I wish I could be a stronger person emotionally, maybe this is just a phase and I'll be able to go back to pre-Emily stage. Wouldn't that be nice? I was a nice person outwardly, I was able to withstand people's stupidity without calling them out on it, I was kind, I was well-liked, I was a confident and outspoken upstanding young gentleman. Now I'm only polite when no one is looking, I'm only polite in the subtle ways that no one will ever see, I call people out for being stupid, I'm super well liked by many, hated by others, I'm confident in different ways than before, and now I don't even feel as righteous as before. I'm taking 1 step forward and then like 10 backwards, I feel like I built myself up to my highest point right before Emily. During that ordeal, it kind of stagnated, then plummeted. Who's gonna be that one to change me back? No one I know as of yet... I'm starting to get to know everyone again... So it better be soon that I find someone, or else I'll have to wait until the new freshman get in... Ha. I hate my life.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 36

A pretty good day! Aside from sleeping in and missing breakfast, devotional, and doing my devotional extra credit.

I woke up a little before noon, went to take a shower. Realized my computer hadn't been plugged in last night and was probably nearly dead. So I plugged it in, let it charge got ready a bit slowly, left late to class. Arrived, he was actually already teaching. Braden was there doing his Doctrine and Covenants homework, I facebooked. After class, which was actually kind of long today we went to lunch. We ate with Ariana, she was kind of weird about it. Of course, Sara and Emily were there, I decided not to eat with them, why should I? What's the point, they're just going to be pmsy anyways. I can't believe they think they're in the right in this situation, Emily makes the biggest assumptions and Sara is just freaking bipolar. After class, I went to my lounge and chilled... for a long time I think. After a while I called Kristyn about the treasurer thing, apparently I called just before she had turned it in with her brother as treasurer, oops. Apparently I have to actually do stuff... balls. Hip hop club treasurer having to do work? Preposterous. I got to meet this girl Charlie, her real name is Jennifer. She was cool, she had like 5 names haha. Her name is longer than mine! She's pretty cool. Gerald and Kristyn left for her class so it was just her and I sitting in the Aloha Center for a while, I thought it was going to be a little awkward but it was actually alright, she's pretty chill and relax. I guess we were gonna go to dinner, but her roommate was asleep and I wasn't actually hungry so I suggested we just go back to my lounge which we did, but then her roommate passed her on the way back hah. So they went to eat, hopefully I get to know her. After forever, Liza finally got off class and came over then DJ came somehow. Matt was actually going to cook the fish he caught for me, but I guess tomorrow. We waited for Marco to get me so that we could go to Kaneohe with him, but he had already left without telling me lol Stupid Marco, so we stayed and chilled for a bit, Matt was there also. We sat and downloaded music, then Charlene came and she was starved so we went to dinner. We got food, then Sara and Stephanie come... lol And Ryker. New guy, he's cool I guess. Matt and him seem to hate each other, but are good friends at the same time. Haha... I dunno how I always see them in the cafeteria now that I don't even try to eat with them. I kind of wanted to leave, so I ate a little bit more, got up to go and DJ, Matt, Charlene, and Liza got up too, perfect. I guess Charlene had to check mail so we went to the post office, then she had to pee so we went to the bathrooms, so did I. I had DJ check the bowling prices, they were half off tonight! Sweet. Rusty said there was badminton intramurals tonight though! Dude, we decided to do that. We had to get changed into shoes and stuff for it, so we all went back and changed, except Matt had to take some biology test I guess so he left. DJ and I went to change and stuff, it was freaking wet outside. It rained to tears like all day today, the wettest I've even seen it. Literally rained the whole day. DJ and I ran to the old gym, found out badminton was next week. Gr. Stupid Rusty. So I called Liza and told her change of plans, and we decided we would bowl. DJ wanted to do basketball, I kind of wanted to do Aikido. Oh well, we met up with the girls at the Aloha center after I got my shoes and stuff. We took forever, we kept getting sidetracked. We finally got there, and Ryker met up with us. The lanes sucked balls. There was no oil on the lanes, I couldn't even bowl. I guttered everything, until I finally found a way to bowl that didn't have my ball curve at all. I basically threw it, I didn't stick my fingers in any of the holes. That was the suckiest I've ever bowled in my life. It was alright though, hung out with DJ, Ryker, Charlene, and Liza. After two games everyone was tired, I want to work at the gamc center, I wonder if they are hiring. I need to find a job. After we finished, we went to our hale. Ryker drove DJ and I, he got a car today, he's my new best friend, we're gonna go to costco together cause his mom has a membership lol The girls went to go do something, Hawaiian club till like 10:30 ish. So we had to wait for them for like an hour, we chilled in the lounge. I downloaded some more cool music. They got there, we did nothing for a bit, I got massaged, sweet. 11PM came around and they got kicked out, it was pouring still, seemed like our night was over. Charlene had to do homework, somehow we just decided we would play cards under the walkway again. I got the cards out, Charlene was hungry so I made a couple cup noodles. Matt, Charlene, Liza, I and this new girl in my Book of Mormon class hung out with us, her name is Megan. She's pretty cool too. After a while Ryker came out, somehow we all decided we were going to Taco Bell. Ryker drove us, all 6 of us in his 4 seater Camaro, haha. This was almost as bad as Mike's car. They got food, I went to get the coupons from Foodland and Matt got root beer. We chilled for a bit, then drove back. Ryker doesn't have a sticker yet, so I thought we were going to be screwed at the security, luckily Ryker and Matt knew the guy so he let us in. After that, we left each other and there's the end of the night... Overall, good. :)

Here's coincidences of the way...
Lunch? Of course Emily and Sara are there.
Dinner? Of course Sara and Steph are there.
Badminton? Of course we pass Emily while we are on the way to the old gym.
Bowling? DJ invites Emily, says he's gonna tell her to come and just not bring Sara, of course he pussed out and didn't say it. He hangs up the phone kind of dejected, I say "I have a ton of homework, and I'm really tired. Isn't that what she said? Work for word?" All he does is look at me and shake his head. Haha... It's finally hitting him hard the fact that Emily really is cool, and that it's so disappointing when other people ruin it. Good job everyone, realize what I had been grumpy about the past week or two and then feel the same yourself without acknowledging that "I told you so."
Helen? The one text all day that is serious that she sends me, I miss. She texts me twice, I didn't realize and took her second one as the only one and it didn't make sense by itself, so I assumed she was tired or something and told her to go to bed. She read it as me brushing her off, and got kind of mad at me. I didn't realize why at first till I read the text, I guess I shouldn't have told her she should have found a guy to go to Homecoming with. She's mad because I KNOW that she likes me... Okay what am I supposed to do even if that were my fault... She said she wanted to be a friend first, and I joke around with my friends like that all the time. Leave it to chance that I miss her one important text though huh?
Lauren? Saw her at dinner a lot, every time I came back from getting food, she was getting her food so we walked by each other like 10 times. So awkward. She's retarded.
Ryker? Cool kid. A bit annoying, but so is everyone else.
Matt, actually really cool. But reminds me of DJ a bit, kind of... subconsciously annoys me at times.

I'd say today went well, some odd reason I feel like there is this attraction between Liza and I now. I think it's the friend type though, the kind I had with a couple of my friends back at home. Which would be a great thing! It would mean I finally have someone that I can be close to her, where we would flirt, but it would just be a friend type thing so not really flirting I guess? I don't feel like I'm a flirt, but apparently I am.

Mhm looking forward to today... 6 classes. 3 hours with Sara. Some self defense mid-term I guess. Marketing with the Capsim simulations. Book of Mormon, day before mid-terms. Astronomy boring. Economics fun. Psch... ugh. At least I get ice cream... Wonder if I should eat breakfast before or after marketing, I guess question is. Do I want to eat with Emika and Emily  and maybe Sara, and not talk to them and be awkward, or eat by myself. Sacking my lunch, dinner no idea. Probably going with Sara and them since I'll already be with them and I can't just leave them. I'm not rude like them... Looking forward to how tomorrow is going to turn out haha. It has potential to be great, but also miserable. Seeing as how I'm only going to get 4 hours of sleep, it's starting to look a bit on the horrible side already ;)

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 35

A good day. I think, can't really remember what went on today... guess I'll have to recount it and see.

Woke up, fricking exhausted. Bad idea to sleep at 3AM with a 7:30AM class eh? Anyways, made. My alarms went off like 10 times and people were texting me like crazy, I guess that's what finally woke me up. I showered, got ready, it was 7:15. Not enough time to eat, so I went to class first. Marketing was decent. We started our capsim thing, it seems really hard. But it seems like I can just put stuff down and things work out, if all else fails I guess we can do that haha. After class went to breakfast, ate with like everyone. Weird coincidence, at first it was just Braden and I sat with him, but then DJ, Liza, Charlene, and Steph came. I sacked my lunch afterwards and went home. I slacked off, started my Book of Mormon homework like right when my self-defense class started, I did that, rushed to Self-Defense, got there just as class was starting. We did boring stuff in there again, messed with Tai, apparently there is a test on Wednesday? That class was done, for some reason I walked around the long side of the gym and made my walk super long. Stupid... got to class a while after Emika, she was sitting somewhere different, with someone on her left side... And she hadn't picked up a yellow sheet for me... So what now? Emika is pissed at me? She didn't talk to me all of class, I tried to even just make small talk with her. Denied. Good news? I small talked with Sharai for the first time.. ever. Ha. Anyways I left class in kind of a bad mood and went to Astronomy. After getting there I facebooked, we had a tutorial to do. It was stupid.  Boring class, got out a few minutes early, went to Microeconomics and went to pee. Steph got there, Brother Wasden got there, I said opening prayer. Class was short and sweet, but complicated. Afterwards Steph and I went to check mail. I finally got my package, it was a huge box and super heavy. Sara wanted my boogie board, Steph had to turn in her notes to Brother Wasden. So I went to my lounge and got my board down for her, she came right as I came. Pretty much she took the board and left, kind of jerky. Especially since I had texted her the night before asking her what she was doing and she never replied, so basically walked in took my board, left. Anyways. I looked in my package which DJ opened for me, speakers, mp3 player, rackets, balls, perfect. My mom did send me everything, stupid. Why did she say she didn't? I hate stupid people so much. After a while Steph gets back, she makes me help her with her great ideas project, she has no idea what to do. So I have to think of a whole idea for her... After that she left for class, I went to my room for a bit, after a while I got bored and me and Liza were going to do something because she finally got the maintenance workers to break open her closet haha. We were going to do yoga but instead chilling in her lounge until DJ came over for some odd reason. We went to dinner, Charlene was taking too long in the shower or something, DJ had invited Emily. He asked me if it was ok, lol weird... Not like it meant anything anyways, he already had done it. We saw them on the way there, they seemed douchey, they sped up. Anyways, after getting food DJ and I sit with them, Liza was gone, she appeared a few minutes later, along with Steph. Right off the bat, Sara is pissy towards me. After the little outburst from her, I make quick eye contact with DJ and give him that "see, told you so" kind of glance. It seems to be different when I give it to different people... lol We had just been talking about why I was pissed at them, or generally unhappy with them. Then Emily and I made a quick eye contact, I just gave her that "great, here we go again" look. Shook my head, looked at Liza and she nodded. I again quickly ate, expecting to leave early. By the time I looked up, Sara and Emily had left. Well that solved my problem, DJ and Stephanie then started talking about how great Emily was when Sara was gone. How she was like a different person, I was like... wow. WTF you guys are so freaking slow. I noticed this weeks ago, that's why I liked spending time with them separate, everyone else made it so difficult. Now that they realize it, they can gripe about it? What faggots. I don't understand why people don't heed my words, only to have them shoved in their faces by life, then ignore the fact that I said those words. This is just like when Jake and I had been talking about Morgan... I told him, Morgan is a weird girl, I'm happy for you, I hope it works out, just be careful. He was so put off by that, he called me a bad friend, so now what? Yeah anyways, I guess just feelings of bitterness that came out of lol So Jenna and friends came and replaced Emily, so much better. I dunno, after they left the whole cafeteria just seemed brighter, people were just being nice and happy and etc. Anyways, dinner finished, we all went to our dorm to do some yoga. That was fun I guess lol Massaged each other, then Charlene came, then we went to FHE. FHE was ok I guess, messed around bit. Kind of boring since so many people where there and we didn't learn much. Afterwards we went to our lounge, Steph and I took my economics quiz, it was freaking hard. I got 83% somehow after a few practices. 11PM rolled around as I was hitting the last question, Charlene and Liza had left to get Moulin Rouge while I was taking my test, it was raining to tears. So we watched underneath the walkway, Steph and I desperately tried to take her test but it kept fizzing out. Finally we finished with like 5 minutes to spare, she got 76%. We watched the movie in peace finally, Steph, Charlene, Liza, Matt, and I. DJ stayed in the lounge and went to sleep I guess. I fell asleep watching it, it was actually pretty nice. Movie ended at 1:30. Now here I am.

Sara was a jerk to me today. No surprises.
DJ was nice, kind of I guess.
Steph was a jerk also.
Emily and I didn't talk.
Emika hates me.
Liza's great.
Charlene's great.
Brenna is talking to me right now. Weird.
Katie still hates Morgan.
Whitney's being a dick to me still.
Breeanna still makes me happy.
Breanna added me on facebook today... first contact in 5 years. Wow.
Brittany is pulling the low self-esteem card again.
Lauren, ha. Wow. What a rude girl.

So Emily is gonna pull that card where I hate her if we talk again. How I didn't stay to watch the movie with them, Mean Girls. I'm glad I didn't, her, DJ and Steph watched it. While lying on her couch, she said I could watch it with them... Basically giving me permission to stay where I was. Obviously she hadn't invited me, she just felt the obligation to extend one to me now that I was there, already. But it's alright, she's not gonna see it that way.

Emika... I lost. Screwed things up somehow, great girl. No communication. Oh well... Just another one to add to the list right?

Brittany... causes much of her own problems, her self-confidence needs a boost somehow. She can't actually be as dependent on me as she makes it sound, or else that would be ridiculous. I guess I can't see anyone else doing this for her too though, I love her, she's a sweet girl. She needs to take it easy.

Whitney. What more to say? Watching Moulin Rouge didn't exactly make me happier with her. I guess I'm gonna dwell on this a while still, can't help it. I care, she doesn't. My loss. As always.

McCall is so sweet. :) Disappointed that her and I never hang out.

Lauren on the other hand, so rude. I think she may be one of the few people in the world that I can put on my misjudged outwardly list. Unless she shapes up soon.

DJ, again. Stupid sometimes. I guess that's how Steph, Sara, Emily, and Jonny are though.

Katie got mad at Morgan today for a facebook comment she made on my photo. I read Katie's comment, then Katie imed me about a comment, I thought I had just forgotten and Morgan had actually written Katie's comment. I go back to check again, only to see that they had written similar things. Uh ok...

Brenna is talking to me, she is expecting everything to be better I think. She isn't acknowledging any blame in this, I don't know if I can really completely forgive her. She keeps using the "I wasn't in my right mind and just wanted to leave the situation" excuse. She says she tried, and she wants to keep trying now that she knows how I feel. Alright... we'll see how that goes eh? For some reason I have high doubts any progress will be made.

Helen :) My best friend... calls me the most, writes me the most, talks to me the most. Sometimes I don't treat her well enough I don't think... I know I never call people... but she always calls me. I'm a bad friend I guess... We talked on the phone for a little while today, sounds like she had a pretty rough day... Hopefully we can actually talk about it tomorrow.

Right now my life is again, in an awkward spot. I feel like the first week I got here again. Ready to make friends, new friends. Ready to create new relationships, ready to feed on the drama. I feel like I'm honestly restarting. Hopefully Liza and Charlene stay for a while, they are cool. Much more chill. Hopefully these new people are going to be great too, they seem cool outwardly. Only time will tell right? And I guess time heals all wounds too... Whaddya know? Two birds... one stone. Yay I'm an optimist...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 34

What a ridiculous day. So horrible, yet great?

This is getting to be a normal routine got up at noonish, 12:30 actually. Church started soon, I lazed around, showered, facebook, decided I was hungry and was waiting for Marco. He decided he didn't feel well and didn't come, so I left my room at 1PM, went to eat some lunch, sat with Emily and Katie... That was kind of weird, ate a little and felt bad so I went to church. Arrived, signed in. They wouldn't let me go in and sit because they were passing the sacrament, so I stood in the lobby for forever. Finally went in, Bart and Kirsten gave talks. They were freaking amazing. I loved them a lot. Kirsten talked about her summer being horrible, a learning opportunity, her grandmother was horrible to her, her grandfather needed care. Bart talked about his mission and such, pretty much they were great. I got a couple of good quotes, "Mere wanting is not a guide for moral conduct." Also, "When everything seems to be against you, when the devil is working his hardest against you, that is usually your chance to do the greatest good." Finally, "Asking yourself have you done any good today is not the same as asking yourself if you haven't done anything bad today." Anyways, during church I find out a tidbit of info.

So Jake and Whitney have been dating since Thursday, the 8th. Which I think by itself is great. That's what I wanted while I was gone, and I'm happy for that fact. Who did I find out from? Not important, who I didn't find out from is more important. Whitney hasn't told me, still. Basically, Whitney is the exact same as Whitney. After leaving my last meeting, I kind of just walked home real fast. Helen had texted me, and I was right... something was up with her. So I had her call me, we talked for like an hour and half. It was a great talk. I talked about Emily, Emily, Whitney. How I fall into the same situations no matter how different the girls are, etc. I can't really recall all that we talked about, but we were both shocked at how Whitney is acting. We talked about her parents for a short while... I guess the conversation ended up being more about me than her, dunno why. I guess she seemed to want it to head in that general direction too, ends up she knew already. Sort of disappointed she didn't tell me, but that's her personality. Which isn't a bad thing I suppose, because that's what she considers "right". I would have told the person had I been in her situation though, I'm super glad the person told me. So basically, Emily, Emily, and Whitney are all, completely, utterly, exactly the same to me. So sad... I love Whitney so much... Always I end up the one being hurt more, it's always them that makes the bigger deal first. Then I just get screwed and jewed. Thanks a lot Whitney, way to make me think that you were the special one, the one that would be different from every other girl. Love you darling. Loved the way you made me feel, the positive changes you made in my life. Loved the way you treated me after we broke up, loved the lies you told me, loved all the empty promises you made me, I especially love the one you made on your own, not us asking each other to. You promised me you would never treat me like Emily treated me, actually... it turns out you kept that promise. You were worse, I just feel less bad because I don't see you at school everyday, I don't have people worrying about my life, I don't have people here that care that much about me. I can just let it slide, good job. You beat Emily, you're the winner. Yay Whitney. I found your ring, I want to send it back with another letter, but right now, I don't even feel like you're worth the 44 cents for a freaking stamp. I can't believe I was that bad of a character judge, what Emily did was probably worse, but coming from you? You were higher than Emily, you were better, and then you stooped down to her exact level, which makes you worse. That's fine, you do your thing. You go ahead and live with yourself, when you feel like you actually want to live up to your own words and actually be my friend again, you tell me. I'll be waiting, I'm ready to forgive you, I'm ready to be your friend. Again, I don't expect this day to ever come, same as Emily and Emily.

Anyways, after our phone call it was nearly dinner time, Liza apparently invited me to dinner in Spanish over text while I was on the phone with Helen. I left with Marco and Anthony, at this point Anthony and I noticed something wrong with him... He walked super slow by himself, then when we got into the cafeteria I saw Liza and friends and was going to have Marco and Anthony come with me but they didn't even have a single seat open. So coincidence again... Emily and Stephanie are eating, and even bigger coincidence Marco's and Anthony's friends are there at the same table... So I sat there, and Anthony, Marco went somewhere else... I went to get more food, by the time I got back Marco and Anthony were gone. It was a bit awkward because they had asked Steph and Emily to move over a seat to make room too... Anyways a seat opened up at Liza's table but I figured it would be rude to just leave, but as Liza left she texted Steph to punch me or something I guess. So... she did. As hard as she could, randomly while I was eating. What a douchebag hypocrite. She gets all pissy when I do anything to her, then wtf she punches me as hard as she can, "I got my roommates back" *giggle giggle* I hate girls, so freaking gay. I just ate fast and left. I went to my room, obviously I had spent too much time with the group today already. Just last night I was talking to Liza and Charlene and was saying how I wanted to refrain the time I spent with them, and I wasn't going to talk to them anymore. So of course now that I don't want to see them, they're at meals at the same time as me.

I go back to my room, Marco got back after me I think... This is where it gets even worse, before it was just problems with me and people back home... Marco is still... being weird, then he finds out his friend died at home. His friend had committed suicide because of an exit exam... I didn't know what to do. He started crying. I was freaking out internally, knowing I could do nothing for him. I could hardly understand him, I know he didn't know how to express his feelings to me in English, and that I couldn't console him in English. I MSNed Anthony and had him come over, we just sat together in silence for a while but then Anthony and him started talking a bit. I felt awkward so I told them I was leaving so they could talk.

And... this is where it gets worse for me again. Just freaking coincidences up the bunghole. I leave and wander over to Liza's lounge because they were watching Veronica Mars, so I was hoping it was in their lounge. They were in their room, oh well. Well guess who I see in the ping-pong side, Steph talking to some guys in my ward, I later found it that they were the home teachers, but I just was like... uh awkward. So I went to the other side, oh there's a girl on the middle couches, but look there's Lauren! So I sit in the corner, semi-next to her. I am texting Liza and I think Helen or Brittany at the same time so I'm fairly preoccupied. They stop texting me, Lauren is talking to her guy friend back home, apparently he's having some problems with a girl or something, her name is Whitney. lol. Perfect, I'm sitting there listening to her talk about... Whitney. So I feel a bit awkward, pretend to go to sleep, then she talks about people here, people I know. Eff. She talks about Braden, even more awkward. She said a few things about their date and their relationship, then she talks about herself in the relationship... She was like I want to be straightforward, I don't want things to be misleading, I don't want to lead him on, I may have sounded pretentious but I didn't want things to go bad. I was like holy crap, holy crap. So basically I wish Emily had done that, why couldn't I have liked Lauren, at least she would have  told me straight up. So anyways, she started talking more and more, I couldn't take it. I just got up, apologized because I felt like I was listening in on her conversation even though she was saying all this stuff as I'm like sitting right next to her. Anyways, I left for Hale 3 lounge since it was too heated and awkward at 5. So the game side is pretty taken, I go to the main room, corner is taken, so is middle. 2 of the 3 middle couches are taken, one by a girl and one by a guy. I sit in the third one, it feels a bit awkward even they they are speaking a different language. They eventually leave after after a few minutes, I am laying there kind of haphazardly and it looks just weird to have me lay there by myself with the TV off. Well, things get interesting quickly, guess who walks in? EMILY! Sweet. She seems kind of shocked at first cause she walked in and paused, I noticed someone paused, looked up, it was her. We had this kind of glance, and then I told her how I had gotten there. I started with me leaving my room, ended with leaving because of awkwardness in Hale 5 lounge. So I lay on a couch, she was on hers. Liza finally texted me saying come out, I went to the bathroom. Emily "invited" me to watch Mean Girls with her and Steph, I guess Steph was hanging out with her after her home teaching. She definitely only did that because I was there lol Anyways I said oh ok, then left a few minutes later, as I left who walks by me? Stephanie. Yes! Perfect timing. Anyways, Charlene, Liza and I walk to the auditorium for a gospel forum hosted by the Hawaii Club. I was the only one not dressed in Sunday clothes, oh well, I was asleep for most of it. I told myself it would be the end to a perfect day if I saw Emika and Lauren. I actually saw Emika at dinner, I walked up to her and said hi but she just seemed to be pissed off and kind of looked at me funny and walked away. Anyways, Lauren showed up a bit late. After I slept through the whole thing, during refreshments Lauren comes over to me, "How much of my conversation did you hear?" Uh like all of it? I was SITTING NEXT TO YOU. She freaked out on me, I was like dude chill what do you think I'm gonna tell Braden all this or something? Do you not trust me? She calmly replies, "No, not at all." I thought she was joking at first, but she was serious. Wow what a stupid girl. I hate girls. Anyways, after we walk away, who do I see in front of us? Emika... Haha... Love my life.

After this bs ordeal of a day, Liza, Charlene and I go to my dorm and play card games. We recruit random people to play spades with us. After a while Charlene and Matt go to McDonald's, ditched us! DJ ended up coming to the lounge, ha nice. Now all I was missing was Jonny, (un)fortunately I didn't get to see him. Anyways DJ was alright honestly, he had talked to Marco after I had left and was good to him. We played Spades with him and this guy. After we got kicked out at 11PM they left, Liza and I went outside. Charlene and Matt finally got back, but they went to watch the rest of August Rush with some other kids. Liza and I sat away like 20 feet and talked... It was great. She told me about herself, her problems, her issues, I shared mine. I like talking to her, Charlene is ok too... I just like it better one-on-one with Liza. I don't feel tension or anything, I feel like I want to be best friends with Liza. We may not agree on everything, but we talk and it's good talk. We literally talked about everything, random things. Then Mark and George came and we chatted, our talking was over. It was still good. We didn't leave till like 12:30.

After getting home, we've been texting a bit. I really, really hope, she doesn't end up liking me, or her thinking I like her. Cause right now, no feelings of attraction towards her other than that of friendship. Hopefully it's the same, I don't need more drama in my life right now. Physical problems, mental problems, emotional problems, friends, roommate. Ugh. We were happy because we felt like this was our first serious conversation we had had since getting to Hawaii. She said one of the things I said was "Awww cute". Which hopefully doesn't imply deeper meanings, I don't want to assume things.

Basically, today was crap. But ended up getting saved by Helen and Liza. I love them :) School gets out on the 17th of December I think. Rawr. This better not cut into my time with Bree or Katie and her fam. I'll guess I have to check my individual classes schedules, maybe I can take my finals earlier and get them out of the way. I'll be happy to get out of Laie, but getting to stay with Bree and not coming back every night will be great. I guess I shouldn't be advertising this, since it's like way super bad for guys and girls to spend the night together, especially for a BYU student eh? I still don't find it a big deal... If stuff is going to happen, people will find a way to make it happen, there doesn't need to be a sleepover. Whatever...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 33

A pretty good day. Great? Nah. Good? Yeah.

4AM? Yes it is, Facebook is great at wasting time.

Woke up at 9 this morning to a billion phone calls, I assumed the person would stop calling our stupid dorm phone thinking it was a telemarketer or something. They kept calling so I finally picked up, it was Anthony asking for Marco. Freaking Marco wouldn't wake up I pretty much had to hit him, more than once. They talked for a bit, then he called back again... ugh. After that ordeal I went back to sleep, I think Marco woke up. I rewoke up at about noon, Marco had just watched GI Joe or something. So Marco and I were going to go to the cafeteria, he ended up leaving with his friend who drove him somewhere I guess. I ended up eating lunch with DJ, Emily, Stephanie, Jonny. They were going to Waimea, Steph and Emily had to stay because of school work I guess. I didn't really feel like going so I stayed too, they were gonna text me if they finished their work. They didn't. Surprise. lol Marco got home, went to foodfest, I went a bit after him. I was a bit disappointed, everything was super expensive. I wandered around a bit, sat with Gerald and his hip-hop club. I ended up... joining hip-hop club, and becoming the treasurer. Ha. So I sat with their stand the whole time, selling tagged t-shirts. I got my own for free, sweet. Anyways, Gerald and I went to eat in the cafeteria cause it was expensive, I asked Steph if she was eating, she would she would be down in a second. Like 20 minutes later she texted me never mind, I had only been sitting there waiting for her... that's all. lol Again, should I be surprised? Went back to foodfest, sold shirts. It was actually kind of fun, and I got to talk to a bunch of people. After that, I went to my room. I hung out with Liza and Charlene after making some noodles, we played some Egyptian Rats Screw... It's a lot more fun when you aren't playing Jonny, he's super good at that game... lol After we got kicked out from 11PM curfew thing, we wandered around and somehow ended up at Foodland. All this while we were talking, we talked a lot. About home, friends, friends here, problems, etc. I like them a lot, a lot more than the others anyways. They definitely understood things better, although... some bigger problems they got a bit defensive about, but hey... that's their opinion, which I value. That was nice, they seem to be more down to earth and real than most of the people here. Well after getting back home, we separated, I went home and played facebook... lol Farmville, Mafia Wars, Warzone Tower... Such a waste of my life, yet what else am I doing with it? Ha.

Emily didn't text me again.
Stephanie didn't text me and ditched me again.
Whitney didn't talk to me at all today.
Braden and I facebooked it up today ha.
Gerald and I did hip-hop club, his sister is the president.
Mike is pretty cool guy, saw him at foodfest and afterwards.
Breeanna is for really real going to come visit me! I'm so freaking excited! I hope class is out, and she can come during the 2nd week of December, and that Katie and her fam actually do come on the 18th I think it was. If it all works out, I'll be able to just spend the week with her at the hotel so no driving back and forth!
Katie and I talked about her family visiting, not much more detail, her parents are in Mexico.
Helen and I didn't talk today... weird. She didn't seem happy for some reason, I guess I'll ask her later today.
Marco was gone all day today, and he got back after me! WTF? lol He got back at like 2:30, he said he'd been playing Mah Jong at his friends house... lol
Liza and Charlene, are sweet. My new best friends.
Sara never texted me back after I asked her what she was doing...
Brittany talked to me today, she met a cute guy at a dance... Oh gosh...
Sarah left me a message on my farm... lol I feel like something is going to happen.
Bryan, says bro a lot.

Overall, somehow I think this was a good day. I guess even though there's way more negatives, the positives are just greater. I dunno, I just feel super excited that I'll get to see Bree :) I know that it's still like month and a half a way... but still. Gr, now that I say that it seems forever away. No matter, I'm looking forward to it!

I got a letter from Helen yesterday, she's great :) I also got my package, can't pick it up till Monday.

Mormon Prom 2008

Ha good times, good times. This one we had at our stake center, I forget the theme. But I remember there was a jail... lol Stupid jail, I kept getting jailed so I just jailed everyone in it. It was a great dance, I think this is when I still liked Emily, before meeting Emily, and Emily. My life is so hilarious... I met some cute girls that night, no numbers though, I'm still shy on the inside apparently. We got served food, danced the night away, saw nice decorations. It was a good night... Mormon Prom next year was great too, but that's a different story for a different blog! :)

C'est ma vie,

~Champ

Day 32

Not a bad day. At least, from my thoughts as of now anyways, we'll see as I try to remember all my feelings lol

Woke up today for marketing, again only a few hours of sleep so no bueno. Hopped in the shower, thought about going to breakfast before class, scratched that idea. Went to class, added this girl Natalie to our group, she seems pretty cool. Went to eat breakfast alone after class, this chick sit like diagonal from me, kind of awkward haha. Anyways, left and got sack lunch. Went to my room, pretended to do my astronomy homework, then Helen and I played hecka solitaire. And Marine and I talked on MSN for the first time in a long time! Afterwards, went to class, facebooked the whole time, we watched a small movie, learned some boring stuff. Went to Microeconomics, we stayed for a whole class period today. First time ever I think, Steph and Ryosuke were both gone. He taught hard stuff, ugh. Steph was taking her accounting exam with her friend Virginia and was going to text me when she finished, Emily was going to call me at 2:30 after class got out so we could get Sara's birthday cake. Not sure why I expected them to do what they said, but I did. So I video chatted with Helen for a while before she left for the Bothell game around 3pmish my time. Made some noodles, and of course as I'm in the mini-lounge making my ramen, Emily calls, Marco yells at me that my phone is ringing, I run in, kick my stupid closet door, answer, "Hey we left, catch up," was the gist of it. Great. Love my friends. I got to Foodland a few moments after them, they picked out some peach cobbler. We walked back and Emily was texting Sara to text her back when she woke up which she didn't expect to be for another few hours. Sara called back, lol. So Emily rushed to put the cake away, Steph to change her pants. Haha... She ripped a hole on the butt after trying to hop the locked Foodland gate. What kind of full blood Mexican can't hop a fence? She says she came over on a plane... lol Anyways, Sara and her cousin Eliza come out ready to see "Where the Wild Things Are" We pretend like we were just doing stuff, it's a surprise I guess. So she calls Steph down, Emily and I are already there, DJ is walking over. I like her cousin a lot. She's pretty attractive too I suppose, but she's 25. Hah. Too bad she doesn't go to school with us though, she's super witty and funny. Hopefully Sara's little sister is like younger version of Eliza, haha. Anyways we rode over in Eliza's rental car, I was squished against luggage, Steph sat on Sara's lap in shotgun, she looked like a little baby Mexican ha. I had lost my ID card so I was worried they would charge me non-student price. No worries, Emily, Steph and DJ sat by themselves and there were only 5 seats per row, so that was gay of them. Oh well, I sat with Sara and Eliza, I liked them better anyhow. The movie was kind of stupid, kind of weird, probably not worth 5.50, but definitely wouldn't have been worth whatever I would have paid at home. After that Eliza went to get "Taco Hell" as she calls it. lol Then we went to the cafeteria to eat. She just barged in and sat down, the dude was all like... WTF?! Ha by the time I got to him, he made me get picture ID cause he didn't believe who I saw, gay guy. Apparently afterwards he kicked Emily out because her shorts were too short too. I had to break in again, find my WA State ID. Finally got back to dinner, before Emily somehow. After we finished, we were bored, wanted to find something to do, Emily went to get cards. Not really a surprise anymore, DJ spilled the beans during dinner. Stupid DJ. I guess we could pull off a new idea and still surprise her, so Emily went to get the cake, Emily texted me about the candles, I met DJ walked back and told him to get his lighter, we set up the candles in our lounge. Walked over to the picnic area with the cake, semi-surprised her. I think she liked her letter, and my note about her and her sister's birthday haha. After some difficulty from keeping the candles lit cause of the wind, she blew them out. We ate, the cake tasted really good. It tasted like pumpkin cake, not peach cobbler. Oh well. We ate, then went to the Volleyball game. The game was actually pretty fun, the teams kind of sucked honestly. I think our high school team would have kicked the crap out of both BYU and Notre Dame, it was still like crowd into the game type feeling. It still felt good to win lol After that Sara and Eliza decided to leave to go to her hotel room. Steph and Emily and DJ and I went to the beach for a while. We sat there... I had a lot of time to think, I don't like thinking. Funny thing, I thought about mostly random things, things that didn't even matter, like something DJ had said some weeks ago, or something I did a few months ago. I did end up thinking a bit about Whitney, Helen, and EmC though. Oddly, Emily never really came up for more than a few seconds in my brain. After that, Steph and I realized we had a quiz to take by midnight so we went back planning to take it together. It was after 11 so she had to get Liza's laptop out, I had to pee so I went to the McKay bathroom. By the time I was in her courtyard it was 11:11, so I texted Whitney. She texted back, she should have been asleep. She didn't reply  back after I said that, Steph texted me saying never mind, she was too tired, she wanted to just take it in her room. Yay Steph... So I went to my room, saw Ryosuke on the way and reminded him that we had a quiz due, mistake. He was super distracting when we took it. I did pretty horrible, I accidentally took the real quiz first, got like 35%. I took the 2 practices after that, I didn't know any answers. I got 84% on my second practice somehow, I was pissed, I knew I wasn't going to do that well on my real quiz. I got a 75%. I guess I'm ok with that. Went to my room, facebooked, etc, here I am.

Right now, I'm kind of feeling... good. Not sure why? Today seemed pretty crappy from that overview.

Marco was kind of being stupid and annoying today. I was doing my homework and he was complaining about how I only listen to loud music, then he turns his up and sings loudly to it, then he comes over and turns my computer down. I'm respectful to him, he should give me the same courtesy.

Emily and I didn't talk today.

Emika and I only talked when I coincidentally ran into her on the way to Foodland by myself. She told me she was leaving for Honolulu, she never texts me back anymore.

Whitney and I didn't talk.

Micheal and I talked via facebook, he seems to be going through a tough spot in his life. I hope what I said helped him.

BREEANNA MIGHT COME VISIT ME! Oh my gosh :) Maybe that's why I'm happy? Someone is legitimately trying to visit me, for no reason other than to see me. That's just great, I love her. Seeing her face is going to be great, just having someone there will be freaking amazing. I feel so lonely and unable to act myself, I'll be able to have a friend for a week. Screw everyone else!

Other than that... I played a bunch of Facebook games till just now, so either that made my day all better, or Bree. I'll give the credit to mon miel!

Short story time:
Uglier person comparison. We learned this in economics. People rated other people higher when their face was placed next to another picture of them, that was uglier.

There were 3 options for a magazine on a website. Web-only version, 80 bucks. Print-only version, 130 bucks. Print and web 130 bucks. Obviously, what did people pick? Some picked web, none for the print only, nearly all picked the print and web. Now the print-only option was taken out. The web-only version had more of the votes than the print and web version now.

Interesting eh? It's all about comparisons... and what your other choices are. Maybe that can apply to my life huh? I feel like more experienced now... Dunno what I'm saying, I'll just end  this saying that I feel good.

P.S.

Halloween, 2009.

Too bad Sarah and I stopped being friends. She just got into it with me at exactly the wrong time, then she made it worse by saying what she said. Something like I'm always going to be there for you, I will always try to fix things, etc. etc. Well she didn't then a few months later she sort of sounded like she was going to apologize, maybe it was a semi-apology, that's not good enough. Either face the facts, or apologize, I just don't like things passing by. Take care of them or feel sorrow for them. Honestly if she hadn't said that stuff, I probably would have just forgiven her eventually. Anyways... good memories with this girl. Sleeping over at Julie's house, moving furniture when we woke up... haha. Matej and her and I racing... TPing. Geez. We did crazy stuff, I'll shut up before I get myself in trouble haha.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 31

Decent day, thought it was going to be bad cause of the night before. Emily just fell asleep I guess, she never replied back in the morning. I'm not sure why I expected a response, that's not what my past experience tells me lol

I missed Rusty's call, was supposed to do the marketing thing with them. Crap. I ended up waking up at like Noon. I took a shower, vacuumed real quick since white glove was today and Songh's roommate had the vacuum. I got to class about 15 minutes late, perfect timing, class was just starting. Facebooked the whole time, ate lunch with Braden and friends. Went to my room. Stayed there, Marco and Anthony went to dinner early, like 5:45 but I went with them. It was really good, it was Western night. Steph and Sara were coming so I waited for them, ate a bunch of ice cream. We went to the library, then we skipped investment club, I skipped aikido again. We went to watch the movie instead, The Caine Mutiny, it was alright. Free, free food and drinks, can't really complain. Emily moved after Steph left to take her test, to sit with DJ on the side. Again DJ is Mike in this situation, like they both said, they're not interested in each other, they are just friends, and just want to be friends. I didn't believe it then, I don't believe it now. I'm kind of ok with it now though, I see how it is for a fact now. Now that Emily finally said to me that "I don't think I can like anyone that way right now, not for forever, just not now." Makes it sound like she's trying to throw me a bone or something lol Emily, if you ever feel like you're ready to like someone, please do tell me. I have very high doubts that she'll ever say a word, she doesn't talk to me seriously, pretty sure she can't take me seriously either. Same old story, I feel like I'm honestly reliving last year lol Hopefully, this situation is going to be handled better. Sara was complaining about coincidences? She was doing a stupid Superman impression or something, and there was a 2/2500 chance of people knowing what she was doing? Ha she should see my coincidences... I'm actually feeling pretty good, kind of... over it? That's not the right way to put it, I'm kind of back in my normal position, out of my own body type thing. Kind of think Emika hates me though... She never texts me back. I guess I've in give up mode eh? I'm kind of just taking things now, not even trying to fix them. What's the point, the 3 people I need to desperately fix things with I can't even get through to. Girls suck. Anyways, after the movie Sara and Emily went swing dancing, dunno what DJ did, probably went with them I dunno. I went to my room, a long while later Steph texted me asking if I wanted to finish the movie, she takes forever to respond... But we finally got it settled, Emily had told me she was sleeping a few hours earlier. Ends up, Sara and Steph were "kidnapping" her. She feels she has to explain herself to me now lol I don't care what you do anymore, why should I? You don't care about me. So Liza, Steph, Sara, Emily and I watched the end of Haunting in Connecticut. Pretty stupid, we watched trailers afterwards, then MLIA when Sara and Emily left. Then MLIA a while longer when Liza left, the stupid security kicked us out of the courtyard. Stephanie was actually staying up late too. Poo. I came back, here I am.

I actually planned on writing more letters to people, but honestly. I don't want to. I'm too lazy right now. Class at 7:30 tomorrow. Blah. Tomorrow is either going to be a good day, or a bad day. I have a feeling it's going to be bad, stuck on a canoe with DJ. DJ and Emily? Jonny and Steph? Sara...? Actually, Sara's doing pretty good right now. I think she's higher up on my list than all of them. It's close between her and Steph I guess. I talked to her little brother on MSN today haha. I definitely have a strong urge to get together with her little sister just to make her mad lol I should probably see how she really acts first though, and maybe how she looks. I dunno if I can trust Sara's judgment haha. Well, short one for tonight.

I leave you with an MLIA,

"Today, my sister told me that her fiancee proposed to her by giving her a ring in a Pokéball instead of a ring box. I've never been more jealous in my life. MLIA"

 I need a girl I can do things like that with.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 30

What happened to today? It was good... and then it all went downhill.

Ok so I started off writing this blog super, super angry. And a few things happened before I wrote more than few sentences, Whitney started texting me at 1AM her time, Emily finally texted me back at midnight, around 2 hours after she started her running... Steph hasn't texted me back, and I've played like an hour straight of bejeweled 2. Now I feel drained, which is a lot better than before I guess.

Woke up, a bit tired, oh well. Went to breakfast, Emika was sitting with some of her friends a few chairs away from Emily, so I sat across from her. I just asked her about her text last night, she couldn't really explain anything, she just said she thought I hated her because of how I was acting, and I just said that I wasn't. That was pretty much the extent of our conversing that breakfast. I sat alone for a few moments after Emika and Emily had both left, went to sack my lunch, went to class. Marketing was ok, didn't use our clickers yet again. Went back to my room, facebooked till I was late to class, self-defense boring. Went to Book of Mormon, some chatting with Emika. Went to Astronomy, watched a movie, I facebooked. Went to economics we watched a video, then Steph and I demonstrated a lesson by having a chocolate eating competition. After that we checked our mail, saw Sara at the Aloha center, chilled with her a while. Some random people came sat with us, Emily came. Sat with us, Sara left for class, I sent Stephanie off to bed cause she was crashing from her sugar high, Emily and I didn't talk hardly. Elkie and Trevor came, I went to get my computer charger, Emily left, I sat for a while, went to Psychology. Facebooked the whole time. Ice cream. Afterwards dinner, with Sara and Steph. DJ came a few minutes later, Emily came super late and missed us. We chilled in my lounge till DJ and Emily came from dinner, we decided we were really going to go bowling, Emily and DJ got persuaded to. I went up got socks for everyone, got Chris to come. Lanes were used when we got there, so we played card games waiting for it to open, in that time the rest of the lanes broke. Great. We played cards a while longer, Sara went to Song Fest or something. Emily went to run. DJ, Jonny and Steph decided to go walk on the beach, I decided not to. Went to my room, Steph was supposed to text me back when they were done so Liza, her and I could finish the movie. She never did. Emily was supposed to text me back when she finished running, she texted me at midnight when she had left at like 10. Whitney started texting me at 1AM her time? I went outside to walk around for a while, sat on the flag circle for a while, walked back home. Marco knows something's up with me, I can't explain this to him, he wouldn't understand it even if he completely understood what I was saying and meaning.

So here I am. Full of hate. Full of disappointment. Full of sadness. Lacking a person, a friend. Helen, she should be who I turn to, for some reason unknown I'm reluctant? I want to talk to someone, anyone, but for some odd reason Helen doesn't fit that broad category of someone, anyone. Maybe I feel guilty? Maybe I don't think she would understand? Maybe I don't think she's the right person to tell... Who knows... Not I.

After the initial shock of Whitney, I was pretty pissed. Writing her a letter made me feel... better I think. Maybe that writing a fake letter to someone thing actually works? I guess I'll try it here, it'll be saved here for forever so either I can eventually let them see it, they can stumble upon it for themselves, Helen may read these, EmC may eventually see these, no one might read these and I might look back a long time from now and laugh at how stupid I was?

EmC... I liken so many of the bad things in my life unto her now, I feel bad... I think. It just all seems to fit so well, I guess she really isn't the first of my disappointments but she's the biggest and freshest and most painful.

Whitney vs. EmC
Somehow... quite similar. Both ended hastily, with a lot of aid and push from me, ended not well, dragged/dragging on, unwholesome feelings on my part, me caring more, me wanting to keep promises, them talking a bunch of junk that they didn't follow up on, straight up lies.

Emily vs. EmC
Oddly. Almost perfect fit, at least in my mind I guess. DJ=Mike, Emily = Emily, Champ = Champ Geez, eery. Promises made, things were said, things weren't done, lies, caring less than me, etc.

I guess here's the letters, it's getting kind of late though...

Dear Whitney,

You were such a great friend, you helped me through so much. You got me through Emily, what I felt was the toughest time of my life, all while going through the toughest time of your own life. I felt that no one has understood me so well before, you loved me for who I was, you accepted all my faults. We could talk about everything, we fixed everything, we trusted each other, and we loved each other. I wanted to get married to you, sure a rash thing to think in high school, a rash thing to think after going out for only half a year. I guess I think too long term, but why date a girl if you can't see yourself being able to get married to them right? Dating is about learning about them and seeing if marriage is the right step, apparently we screwed up somewhere.

We made so many promises, I love and hate promises. They are both a gift and a curse, for you I guess more of a curse than a gift, you made me so many promises, so many of them remain unkept. You told me how much you needed me, how much I meant to you, how nothing would ever keep us apart. I believed you, I believed you cared about me maybe half as much as I cared about you. When I said I loved you more every night, I was right. I knew I was right back then, and I know even more certainly now. We always dealt with your problems, my problems, and our problems together.

Your parents hated us, until we had that talk with them which fixed... pretty much everything. At least it set up the boundaries and the rules which you had to abide by. Things went well for a little while, and things started drifting, I was leaving soon. More and more problems arose, you started becoming more and more unwilling to talk to me. You broke more and more promises, I loved you, I forgave you for everything, I didn't even mind, I knew that everyone made mistakes. I figured out I can't be everything for you, no matter how much I want it. I wanted us to keep at least 2 promises intact, that we forever be friends no matter what happened to us as boyfriend and girlfriend, and that no matter what we wouldn't end up doing what Emily and I did. The day I left we reviewed and renewed these promises we made before we started going out, we cried together for the longest time, the nears streamed down our faces knowing that things would be ok. We knew things would work out the way they were meant to work out.

As we were leaving Bothell for the last time together, you gave me your ring and I gave you mine. As we traded rings, again I had tears streaming down my face as I do now. You're wearing mine and haven't taken it off, or so you've told me. I took yours off a few days ago, I actually lost it, but found it after diligent searching and then a quick prayer. Why did I take yours off? I can't see what it means to us anymore. Your ring to me meant your promise to love me, as before I left, and as before we started going out. I would still wear it if I felt either of those still were true, I don't feel love from you anymore Whitney.

After breaking up with me online between classes, I said it was ok. It was because, it was. It was no big deal, what we had was just words and we could continue to have the same feelings. There was no point to call it "going out" if it made your parents more crazy, taking away your phone, car, whatever. Things didn't improve. We talked a couple of times, then you approached me. You basically begged and pleaded with me, you wanted us to be back together. What was the point Whitney? Starting a long-distance relationship just doesn't make sense. I told you that you had to think about it, we argued for a long while, you finally agreed to talk to your parents. You said you would tell me what you guys talked about, I expected a phone call the next day, nothing. The day after, I expected some mention of the talk, again nothing. This went on for I don't know how long, not too long I suppose, but an eternity for me. I confronted you about it finally, you told me you would tell me once you got home from Jake's house. That was Tuesday, you were going to do it over the phone. You were going to get home too late, so you asked me if tomorrow was ok. I said of course, you were going to tell me on MSN I suppose. "So I guess curfew means I can't get on the computer past 10 either..." Well Whitney, obviously. Your parents made sure to reiterate this point during our talk, curfew meant any forms of communication with me. On Wednesday you finally talked to me, during class. I got the worst explanation ever. Now apparently you agree with everything your parents say, your IMs were so ridiculous. Was this the same girl I kissed good night, was this the same girl who said we could get through anything together, was this the same girl who I wanted to be with the rest of my life, was this the same girl who a few days ago was just telling me that getting back together with me was the one thing in her life she knew she wanted more than anything and that she had made the biggest mistake ever? This girl was telling me all this junk that her parents blew at us all the time. High school isn't for serious relationships, being in a relationship leaves you tagged, you guys are getting too close and serious. This wasn't the same girl.

This new girl, doesn't care about me anymore. This new girl knows I'm suffering inside, I'm dying inside, I'm about to explode. This girl ignores it, asks me how my day was, starts texting me at 1AM when her parents so adamantly restricted her phone after 10PM. This girl hasn't called me in... too long. This girl hasn't talked to me. I hate this girl. I don't want her in my life, period. She disgusts me, she's all the broken promises, all the lies, all the hurt.

I miss you Whitney. I hate that you've become Emily to me. I hate that I care so much. Obviously you were wrong babe. You didn't need me as badly as you made it sound, and most definitely not more than I needed you. You're doing fine, you're doing wonderful, this part of your life wasn't necessary to you. If you were a Shakespearan play I'd be the scene that doesn't advance the plot in anyway.

Good luck in life love, it was fun while it lasted.
Love always and forever,
~Champ


Dear Emily,





You're exactly like this girl I know, her name is Emily.

You tell me you're there for me, to talk whenever. You play me like a fool. You say things you don't mean. You are such a hypocrite. You can't even talk to me.

Why tell me you're there to talk when you aren't? We can't talk, you can't be serious about anything. When anything gets too touchy for you, a subject change. Conversations are one-sided, I give you my side. Then you either blame it on me or just give up and blame it on yourself. It took you this long to tell me that you don't think that you can like anyone that way at this time? You couldn't have told me from the beginning huh?

You say you want to be friends with me. So you think I hate you and you just call it good and ignore that? You get mad at me when I do anything, when I act myself, when I act "good", when I avoid the situations where I seem to get myself in trouble.

What so you can just relax, chill out, be joking friends with DJ, since you two obviously are just joking with each other. I can't chill out relax and be myself? I guess in some twisted way Sara was right, telling you that I liked you changed everything. It changed you. I guess being straight and honest and upfront are virtues that out of everyone I know, only I value?

You tell me to think about the drama I cause? I guess it's only drama when you feel the heat huh? When Emika has feelings that spill over onto you, it's drama. When I have feelings, we can neglect that. When it's a problem for you, when it's a problem for Emika, it's not ok. When I go home, lay in bed, wishing I were dead, or at least truly physically alone as emotionally alone as I felt, it's alright.

I guess I'm keeping this short because I'm feeling physically drained now too. Maybe I'll continue this sometime, basically. I hate that I love you. As my dream asked me, "Why do you love someone who loves someone else, who has someone else falling in love with her?" I know it's not love, but same concept. My dreams tell me a lot I guess, like the day you got stung, like the day where you got angry at me, but didn't admit it, but then didn't talk to me at all, until you invited me to go workout with you, which we didn't even end up doing.

We can't even be friends can we? How can we? Of course you would want to say that we were still friends after all this right, just to keep your conscious clear. We can't talk, period. We talk at the latest possible time in the day, we talk exclusively over text, after a while you get sick of it/bored and you fall asleep. What kind of friend would you be? You're perfect example of Emily. Too bad I pick the worst girls to like huh? I can't just pick the easy ones, the simple ones, the simply fun and easy ones. It's my fault, everything, no worries, I know that.

Kindest regards,
~Champ

Imagine you died today, would you feel guilty? Imagine one person in your life died today, would you feel guilty? Any person, any person you remotely know. As of right now, I'm going to answer that. I thought it about it carefully, I don't have any guilt. I think... I'm actually okay with myself and how I'm dealing with everyone and everything. All these other problems I don't even mention cause they seem so insignificant or too important to put in a place like this, I don't feel guilt for them. I feel like I've done my best in life, I feel like I've tried my hardest to help people. I wonder if everyone else feels the same? Does this make be better? Or worse? I don't know. My head is really foggy right now, I think it's time to try to sleep. I think that tomorrow will be better, honestly. I feel okay right now, at least not like I'm doing to die anyways. What am I going to do tomorrow? I have no idea, undoubtedly get a text from Whitney about last night, and the same from Emily. Maybe they both apologize for going to sleep? Who knows.

 C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 29

Actually a pretty swell day! Till the end... Ha. Gotta keep it short, I should have been asleep an hour ago! 6 classes today...

Woke up for devotional, was late. There was a cockroach on the ceiling and Marco made me get it off before I left lol I went to devotional alone, had some good thinking time. Afterwards walked to Statistics, played on facebook the whole time, also chatted with Braden. He's a pretty cool kid, I got high scores on Bejeweled and Tetris lol We went to lunch after, it was amazing. DJ texted me saying lunch time, I was already there. Steph, Sara, and him joined me, Jefferson, Braden, and Gerald. Lauren came later. I ate, went to take my Psych make-up test, geez it was long and annoying, I only got 73% on the multiple choice, crap. 10% lower... geez. I hope I did well on the not multiple choice then. After that I went to my room, Steph texted me and she met up with me in my dorm to do our 10k for LINN, I noticed an e-mail from Mike saying commodities club was cancelled that day because he was sick. So we studied for our econ test, then we went to dinner a bit late, then got to the study session like right as it was ending so that was stupid. We went to the testing center, I took 11 minutes got like 84%. Good enough for me I guess. Afterwards we hung out, she went to her room to drop off her stuff, then Liza and her decided to go to Foodland to find decorations for their room, so I went with them. Then Steph was a jerk and didn't give me popcorn on the way back haha... So when we got back they started hanging up the caution tape without telling me so I thought Steph had ditched me again so I was pissed. She told me so I was like geez and went back to my dorm expecting them to take like an hour, they were done pretty quickly actually. So Steph came and hung out with me in my dorm, she drew decorations, I facebooked, then we looked at these amazing crayons with states and colors... we saw Utah and Washington... it was like fate. Well we couldn't find Utah at first and we were making a huge deal out of it, Bryan ended up finding it though haha

Great picture eh? It was freaking hilarious making it to be honest... We suck at paint, taking pictures, etc. Then we put it on facebook and tagged Sara and Emily as the Utah crayon haha And Steph and I as the Washington one! After that we got bored, but it was near 11PM so Steph went to go put her stuff away. I lost my key, so I broke into my room, it was on my desk. lol Breaking into my room took me like 10 seconds, I'm scared about the safety of my items! Anyways after that we got Liza to come out and we watched The Haunting in Connecticut, an ok movie so far I guess. Her computer died in the middle, and the DVD is scratched I guess because it keeps skipping.

So here's the crap part. Steph texts Em asking her to come out or whatever, and she texts back saying she's didn't want to because I hated her and it would just make things awkward. Wow. I just can't do anything right, no matter what I do apparently. Ugh. I would go into detail and elaborate, about everything today. But no time.

Whitney, wasting texts back and forth for a bit.

Brittany, got her license.

Emily, I hate her apparently.

Emika, didn't pick up when I called her lol

Steph, was a jerk, but it's ok because the crayon thing totally made up for it.

Liza, more fun than I thought.

Braden, a cool kid.

Jefferson, player player.

Me? Content I suppose. Nothing out of the norm... Hate here, hate there. Such is life...

C'est ma vie,

~Champ

Day 28

Day also went by fairly well, I hadn't done any homework but I finished it all by the time it was due, I also found out I can take my psych test still! :) Yay

Helen woke me up this morning, yay Helen! I had a hard time getting up though, I skipped the shower and went to breakfast, Emika left as I got there, Emily left a few minutes after. I had to rush, I only had like 5 minutes before class started by the time I sat down. I went to marketing, nothing unusual. Went back to my dorm, showered, facebooked. Hah. 24 hours of life and 386 friends with 5bazillion wall things. Did my Book of Mormon homework. Went to sack my lunch, went to self-defense a few minutes late. Half the class was gone, so no big. We didn't really learn anything new, went to Book of Mormon. Emika had beat me there lol She was playing piano so I filled out her paper for her, tried to return the favor at least. I hadn't read this homework but I did ok on it, I had to answer a question finally. Brother Kongaika and I had some banter about my last name, I would tell him how to say it if I got an A in the class haha. Class went well, Emika and I talked a little, she's kind of confusing though. Now I can't really tell whether or not she likes me anymore. Well I think she still does, but I don't think she wants to most of the time now. Anyways class ended, she left kind of quickly, dunno. I went to Astronomy... boring boring, Facebooked with Sonia a bit, man I haven't spoken to her in for forever. Hah... Sonia... geez. Past and the present just seems to be the same for me. Kind of relates to my situation now honestly... Back then I liked Breeanna a lot, and Sonia liked me a lot. Actually I liked Sonia too, but I was too chicken to progress the relationship, I kind of regret that a lot actually. Anyways, I didn't do anything and I ended up losing them both, because I expected a clear answer would come to me. Right now, in my head, I like Emily and Emika likes me. I'm beginning to think I like Emika, but I dunno if that's just cause I feel like she's the only one who still cares for me or what. So I guess I can't really judge that feeling objectively. Now obviously there's differences. I obviously did try to do something about it, these girls I've only known for under a month. I guess in the big picture I hardly knew Sonia or Bree any better at this point though huh? Oh well. Anyways, I told her I would talk to her soon since class had ended and I would be going to Microeconomics, except I forgot that we didn't get to play with laptops in that class so I kind of ditched her... oops. After I got to class I had to pee so I went back around to the bathrooms and saw Emily, she kind of was shocked to see me, opened her eyes a bit and said hi to me, I was also surprised to see her and said a quick hi back, I was kind of in a rush to get to the bathroom and  then back to class again on time. Class ended super early again, Steph and I went to check mail. After that she just left somewhere, Ryosuke and I went back to our dorms. I went to my room, facebooked... ha. Pretended to do homework for a while, did my laundry with Marco, finally he was done sending his dad windows 2007 over e-mail and then we went to dinner. We didn't even end up eating together, I ate with Jonny and his friends which felt a little awkward. Braden and posse didn't make it all the way to my table I guess, but then Liza and Charlene came! Small confession, I didn't know her name until just today, even though we've hung out multiple times lol We got bored after dinner, they went to get ice cream, and then we went to my hale to hang out till FHE, we convinced Charlene to come to ours. We ended up being online and reading a whole bunch of MLIA's, which are like FML's but My Life is Average, some of them are freaking hilarious haha When it was time to go I made Liza carry me, but she dropped quickly and I ended up carrying Charlene all the way there, for FHE we had a lesson about, friends, dating, marriage. Then the activity was "What if...?" Which ended up being pretty funny, even if half the stupid things ended up being about me lol After we got ice cream we left for Charlenes FHE, they were playing the tag with pairs. It got way intense and way fun. Way super hot too. After that it was lateish, Liza had to get her laundry, then they came over to my dorm for a few moments. McCall came over also and we chatted for a few minutes about how we had an amazing talk the other night during the bonfire and we needed to have more. And about how she's super competitive about back massages because Dallin said some chick was super good at them haha. 11PM rolled by quickly, they had to leave. I left too because I had to take my economics quizzes still, I did horrible. Didn't read the chapters, sort of studied my notes. Oops. I have to remember to take my psych test tomorrow. Facebooked for a while, played bejeweled. Now I'm here.

Whitney and I did some more worthless chatting today.

Helen called me today, talked about her day and what I was going to do with the rest of my day.

Elise! Geez I miss that girl, I haven't seen her in forever. We facebooked for a while haha

Robyn! Wowwww... The best friend I've never met at one point in time. Also haven't talked with her in literally years.

Emika, who's sending off confusing signals now? lol

Steph. Kind of still being a jerk, I guess I don't care as much anymore.

Sara. Saw her later during FHE, she said hi from far away. Not much to say.

Emily. Hm. Does she care anymore or nah? Can't really tell.

DJ. Can't even be serious when he asks me serious things, "Dude you're like buggin out and freakin people out man"

Jonny. Oddly enough, him and Emika are really the only ones I don't have any beef with. Just because Jonny is still Jonny, sure he does the same things he's always done, but at least he's constantly that way. I know what to expect from him.

Myself? Just distancing myself seems to be working a lot better than whatever I was doing earlier. Sure Emily was afraid of the group falling apart a while ago, but one person separate from the group is much better than the precious little group falling apart. Plus Jonny isn't really a part of it anymore anyways, they seem to be doing much better off. Honestly I think I am too, other than being alone for some meals I'm not doing much differently. I'll find new people to hang out with. I feel like I've given up and so has Emily, the others didn't really give an effort anyways so no loss there. Ha I don't think Emily really knew what I meant when I said I think I know how Emika felt, Emika asked me what she meant to the group. I asked myself that same question. I think we both know that the answer is nothing, she meant nothing to the group, she meant things to me, Emily, and doubtfully anyone else. Just as I mean nothing except to Emika, and maybe Emily.

I feel better than I have for a while. A 0 is better than a negative, that's how I feel in this position right now. If I leave everyone alone they'll leave me alone. No feelings, no talking, no caring, etc. Well it's been nearly a month. SOOOO weird. 4 weeks? Impossible. It's felt like an eternity. What like 11 more for first semester? Here we go baby... Potential for 3 more "1st months" in this semester. We'll see how it goes eh? Tomorrow looks to be a pretty chill day, devotional tomorrow. Gotta get Steph's notes. Stats tomorrow. Facebook time?

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 27

Fast Sunday, again short and simple day.

Woke up at 11AM ish to a text from Whitney and a missed call from some local number. They had left some message, I couldn't really understand it so I just called the number back. It was my 2nd counselor, he wanted to meet with me. Alright, so calling or in trouble, I hadn't done anything wrong so it must have been a calling. I took a shower, put on my church clothes, walked into Chris' and Marks' dorm and asked if they got phone calls too. They said no, so I walked down to McKay 140 thinking about what my calling would be. When I got there Brother Cannon told me I had been called for Spiritual Council, which I told Whitney because she was texting me that morning about her essay. I walked back home, kind of not knowing what to feel. I was happy they thought I was a good choice, but didn't know what to do really haha Marco and I went to church a few minutes early, he played some more music, apparently this was reorganization day. All of the councils got released and called today. Just calling everyone out took most of sacrament meeting, not to mention it started late. I actually got called to the Service Council, oops mistaken call. Hah. So we got out, I went with Brother Cannon and a few others to get set apart, that took up all of Sunday school. I got to Elder's quorum and we were having it in my marketing room, which reminds me I have that class in a few hours haha I haven't even started homework yet! We got out a few minutes early and I planned on going to lunch/dinner with Marco right then, but Emily had just texted me asking if I wanted to go at like 4ish so I went back to the dorm with Marco and I waited, he changed and left. Time was dragging on and she finally texted me back saying she would be a couple of minutes longer cause Sara wanted to finish house, I offered to walk to their lounge but she told me I could just meet up with them at the cafeteria in like 5 minutes so I left my room 5 minutes later. I went to the cafeteria, and holy crap it was so freaking full. First off this was the only meal, second off they were serving ice cream. Stupid. lol I got there before everyone else so I got my food, sat down in the middleish where there were a few open seats nearby but sat next to a few of Marco's friends and some of mine, Braden, Lauren, Ariana, etc. I guess Emily and them didn't see me or something because they sat a few tables down, oh well. I ate lunch for like an hour, got so full I thought I was gonna blow up. I expected Emily or someone to text me telling me if they were doing something, I didn't get one. So I sat in bed for a few minutes and felt extremely tired and fell asleep. 2 hour nap. Hah. Great no sleeping tonight, as you can see. I woke up, was hungry, made some cup noodles, saw Anthony and friends in the lounge, hung out with them for like half an hour, came up again. Did nothing on the computer for a few hours, made noodles again at like 11 cause I was hungry again. Hung out with Chris cause Marco had left and I was bored, then I came home a little before midnight. Here's the thing...

I was so freaking bored. I thought about all the pictures I was missing out on because I didn't have a camera. I made a Facebook. I made a freaking Facebook at Midnight, Sunday, October 11th. Amazing, I know. There goes ever doing homework right? Hah.

There's my whole day.

Wake up, got a call, got a calling, got another real calling, church, room, ate, room, sleep, ate, Chris, room, Facebook.

I didn't really deal with anyone today, it felt nice. I chatted with Helen for the past like 3 hoursish, she couldn't go to sleep. She apparently had had a pretty horrible day :( Dang. I wish I could do more for her. Overall, good day for me I suppose. We'll see how tomorrow is eh? Cause if I wake up on time, and everyone else does too, I'll be eating breakfast with Sara, Emily, and Emika. Unless I decide I can just be rude and go eat by myself haha. I won't stoop that low I suppose.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 26

A weird day. A very short day, pretty empty to be honest.

I woke up at 2:30PM. Marco was nice and had set up the fan to keep me cool during the day. I realized I had missed breakfast and lunch. I checked my phone and saw a text from Whitney and Steph. Whitney and I don't talk anymore ha... so sad. Steph's text just said Sup? lol So I told her I had just woke up, she told me Sara, her and Em were at Bikini beach if I was bored and wanted to come. I guess they actually had all woken up and gone on the hike too. I told her I was gonna shower first and then I would see if I was going to go, so I showered and by that time she had said they were probably going to leave soon so I just told her to tell me when they got back, she didn't text me back for over an hour. When she did text me she said they had been back for a while but had been showering and she didn't know what their plans were yet, so again I told her to just tell me when she figured it out. A while later she texted me saying that DJ and her were at surfing club's softball game watching Sara play, I guess they had been there for a while... So we stayed ate their food, then after the game was over they decided they wanted to eat, I had no objections. On the way to the cafeteria they were talking about the hike and stuff, and I guess DJ had went to the beach too. I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention, I kind of didn't care at all about them. Although it was 6 and Helen said she had wanted to call me at like 6:30, I figured we would eat fast enough. After I paid DJ, Sara, and Steph were like oh wait Emily wants to eat at 6:45, great. Thanks for telling me after I already had gotten in... Not like I shouldn't be used to them being idiots anyways. So I ate dinner alone, watched the BYU and UNLV football game. I went back to my room, waited for Helen's call and didn't get one so I went to badminton club at like 7:15. I stayed there for a while, James was there. I don't feel like I'm the best one there anymore, this chick Christin or something like that is freaking amazing. She has perfect backcourt smashes, her drop shots are freaking killer, and her crosscourt shots come out of nowhere. I'm pretty sure she could beat me without breaking a sweat, I really want to beat her. Hah... Marco showed up, I hadn't seen him all day. He had been in Waikiki! He didn't even invite me, what a jerk lol I stopped playing around 8ish, and saw that I had missed a call from Helen, I texted her back seeing if she was asleep. By the time I had gotten back to my dorm she replied saying she was awake and still wanted to talk, I wasn't sure what this talk was going to be about but she had planned it out in advance so it seemed important. When she called me my first reaction was, she sounded sad, or something. Just something different in her voice, we beat around the bush for a while, she told me about her day, then she came out and said that she had found my blog. This one. Oh my. She also told me she hadn't felt right reading it, so she only read the parts about herself... Silly Baby Jam Helen! Ha we came up with a new nickname for her on the phone... We ended up talking about a few things, how she didn't want to read this, how I should tell her the details of my life rather than her reading them, etc. It was weird how she found my blog, she had found it through Emily Culp's blog. Ha... so ironic right? I accidentally found Emily's blog through her Myspace before we were going out, made some cute comment on it about her horoscope blog. Then after we broke up I found it by accident again, read through like all of her blogs, and I felt like a creep so I called her up and we talked about them since I could tell some of them were about me. I dunno if she's going to read this or not, but I guess I was half expecting/hoping someone would find this. I was wondering what their reactions would be, hers was definitely not something I had really imagined. She found the motherlode of information about me, she's curious about my life, she didn't take the opportunity. Weird, but she had her reasons. I forgot to ask if she minded me talking about her by name... Well she never said anything, I guess she doesn't care. We talked for a super long time actually, it was really nice. Tonight was the first night I've felt like, decent in a long time honestly. It was like 11PM by the time we got off the phone, and I went to take a shower because I was super gross and sweaty from badminton. Afterwards I went downstairs to make some cup noodles because I was freaking famished from missing so many meals, tomorrow is fast Sunday! Ahhhh! On the way to the microwave, I see Ryosuke and friends playing that same stupid game from yesterday haha. I end up playing with them for like an hour. I make another cup noodle, I go back upstairs a little after midnight. I kind of have been chilling since then.

Whitney texted me a couple of times today, we did like 4 or 5 back and forth... Then we stopped. Helen and I had a nice talk :) Emily hasn't texted me once today, I guess that one time we tried to talk last night was our final attempt and now she's done... Steph texted me a few times but she seemed kind of weird in her texts, I dunno, arrogant? Snide? Emika hasn't texted me since like 2 days ago, I haven't even seen her since then. Today was short. It was kind of nice, too bad I have to wake up so early for classes during the week, I might just sleep in until 2:30 everyday and go to class then go home and sleep, no time for drama or problems that way. I guess I wouldn't have time for a job though huh? Speaking of which, I freaking need to just turn in my resume and application or else I'm screwed and will not have enough money for college.

Overall day went ok. Nothing out of the norm I guess. Pretty bad that I consider all these things the norm now huh? lol Such is life I suppose... At least when you seek out perfection that is.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 26

Again another weird day. It was another pretty horrible day but just now it ended up ok. I got home at 4am, got back from the beach around 2am?

Day started off like crap. I woke up feeling like crap, slept through a few alarms. Then Marco's alarm goes off and he asks me when I have class, I tell him 7:30, why? He goes dude it's 8am! I was like... uh crap. I had just missed marketing, I went to get breakfast. Today feels kind of like a blur, it was long and I'm going to miss a lot since it's really late. I left breakfast and went to take my astronomy test, I took 5 minutes. I only got 85% though. Oh well, after that I went back to my room and fell asleep. I woke up like 20 minutes before astronomy, so no time for lunch. Went to astronomy, he let us out like 7 minutes early so Ryosuke and I went to rush to the cafeteria for food, we saw Brother Wasden on the way and he was ok with it haha He shook my hand. We rushed, ate good food, got to class like 1 minute late. A minute later he dismissed class because he was sick. So Steph and I went to my dorm to help me study for my psych test. She had to meet with Brother Cannon our first counselor, she was afraid she was getting in trouble or getting a calling. She got a calling for the music council haha. After that I went to take my psych test. It was closed, it had been since noon. FML. I went to Steph's dorm so she could use my computer, she did her homework and I played space battle on my zune. After she was done she ditched me, literally. Piss me off. So I went back to my room, lay there. At 6:45ish I went to get dinner, half expecting them there. They weren't so I went back to my room after eating, expecting someone to call or text me what we were doing for Emika. I guess I pretty much knew they were at The Ring but I didn't go. Marco and I built the shelves, he's pretty freaking amazed and awestruck haha After it was over Sara texted me to hang out with them so I did. They wandered for a bit then all complained about being hungry, Sara wanted to go to L and Ls, I suggested cup noodles instead. So I went back and made noodles for everyone. Then they all went on computers so I went to watch football with Talia, after a while they all came to watch also. They all fell asleep and when 11PM hit they were all going to go to bed I suppose.

Sara and Steph decided they wanted to go check the Togan dance out, Emily went to bed, but then she texted me... finally saying we should talk. At least this is better than EmC... She actually meant that she was going to talk. Although she did put it off to the very last moment possible, I guess I see it as procrastination and when you procrastinate something it means you don't really want to do it or are looking forward to it. Well Jonny walked by with a few others and everyone convinced Emily to come out to go to the Vegas Party, I sat on the corner waiting for everyone. Everyone passing by was super nice to me for some reason... I'm glad I guess, just to know that there is people who are genuinely nice out. I knew that I wasn't going to get to talk to Emily, especially not with Jonny there now too. I definitely wouldn't in front of Sara alone, Steph maybe... Walking there was a bit awkward, I kept pulling ahead half expecting and half hoping Emily would catch the hint. Finally she did and we started to try to talk, we didn't get much out till a few people I knew passed us on the way back from the party. It was shut down by the cops for sure, so they debated for a while and we ended up going to the bonfire. Long story blah blah We got there, I sat down on a pallet, hoping Emily would sit by me so we could maybe talk. She sort of did, but more behind me. And then everyone sat between us, I felt disappointed. I felt like she didn't really try, but I guess it's partially my fault too. I guess I could have gotten back up and moved... Again I just don't know what to do. Today just felt like complete and total suckage for me. I'm not giving it enough glory on this blog because I'm just blank in the mind now I guess, which shows how bad today was for me. I put some wood on the fire, and sat on a new pallet by myself, McCall came and sat with me and we chatted. She turned around behind her and commented on how beautiful the moonlight looked on the ocean's surface and jokingly suggested we move over there, so I did it for real. We talked a bit, she's a good person to talk to actually. Like connection wise, not just talk to, she shared info back. While we were doing this Emily, Sara, Steph and Jonny left, I guess I could have gone with them. I just felt like there was no point, not like Emily and I would talk anyways. And it's not like I actually wanted to spend time with Sara and Stepanie and Jonny... So I went back with McCall, Ben, and this girl Michelle. She's some transfer student, a sophomore, she's pretty cool. We talked about the gospel and me joining and other super random things on the way back. McCall and Ben walk super fast on the beach and we got left behind, she's actually pretty cool. I hope I get to know her better, her and McCall actually. So we walk back and I get into the dorm, and Ryosuke is playing Xbox, they invite me to join them. So I do, it's some stupid ninja/cartoon game. I played with them for a couple hours, it was so stupid. Worst game ever, but so addicting, we laughed out butts off so much. I think that was partially due to the tiredness of our party though hah... Anyways, now I'm back here. I skipped a lot of the feeling... I guess from what you read my day doesn't seem that bad, trust me, it was horrible.

Whitney. Finally texts me at like 1:20AM her time, I inquire about her 1AM phone curfew and she started getting defensive. I was just wondering because back when I was in Washington her phone curfew was 1AM, she ended up barely talking to me then saying she was sleepy and was going to bed. Yeah that's what great friends do...

Helen. Pretty much the only person I like right now. That's it...

Emily. I feel like this is a familiar path... Everything is sucking, I'm hating everyone,  everyone hates me back, everything is going wrong. It can't be her fault I know, but I would just call it the Emily situation. Misery attracts company I suppose... She's confusing me again, we had some mini-talks over text, she texted me once today after she was supposed to go to bed. Now it seems like she does want me to like her... After I said I don't like anyone in my life anymore, she mistook that as me saying I don't like her, like like her. So she asked if I meant that all I wanted was to be friends now or what? I dunno, I could see it go both ways I guess. I suck at dealing with relationships.

McCall. Sweet girl. Need to hang out with her and her friends, they don't seem stupid.

Michelle. Sweet girl, nice meeting her. Hope I get to know her better.

Breeanna. I miss her tons, I miss her face and how she seemed to be able to tell apart my lies when I made up excuses for me feeling bad. Like when I could tell others I was fine, or I was just tired, she would just call me out on my lies. I miss her hugs and just her :( I wish I had taken one of those multiple chances I had to try to get together with her. She's a sweet girl and now I'm regretting it, I guess that's why I feel so bad about Emily. I thought I had made all the right choices, and then everything turned out as bad as it possibly could.

Emika. So much for a birthday thing for her... I don't blame her though, I kind of hate my friends too. Honestly how can I even call them my friends anymore? Ugh. At least she and I are ok, I think. I can't really tell with this girl either, her and Emily are the worst. One can't be happy when the other is it seems.

Anyways, I still hate life. I still hate everyone. Everyone disappoints me. I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself fall down this path again. Maybe being open about everything isn't always the best approach as I've previously thought? It's obviously failed me, but then it's failed other people I've promised where things would be better of things were out in the open... and then things weren't. Ugh.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 26

What a horrible day. Honestly it might just be better for me to not talk about today so I can just forget about it, but now that I say that today will be the only day in my life that I'll remember forever. I'm just that way I guess.

Woke up really late, like 9:30. Breakfast closes at 10, I showered quickly and went to go sack my breakfast. I saw Jonny and friends there so I just ate with them and sacked my lunch. I had to mail letters so I bought envelopes since Jonny didn't want to give me any. I bought a box of 80 for cheapo. I went back to my room addressed my envelopes and kind of chilled there till Whitney came online and texted me at 11:11. That was horrible. We fought so bad, I told her I lost her ring. I ended up finding it later, Liza told me to pray about it... We fought about everything... I may have been harsh but I had to be... I can't write even half of it here for various reasons, but basically I feel like she's just telling me lies now, and not telling me complete truths ever. She has a few reasons why she does, but I don't want any of it. She needs to speak up for herself. I hate it. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel for her. I honestly just wish she could be here with me, not for me to be with her or anything. But just to get her out of her situation, and so that I can be there for her. I guess I'm not going to be there for her all the time for the rest of her life though huh? Just this is a pretty horrible time for both of us to be having this. She says she's sorry for everything, she just wants to be close friends still. She knows my definition of a close friend and she just isn't being that for me... How ironic that I'm gonna feel this same exact thing later right? I go to class late because she finally decides to talk to me... She was supposed to talk to me on Tuesday night and it got pushed all the way to today, she didn't even call me. What she messaged me on MSN could have fit into one text. The rest came because we started heading off on different tangents. How can she even say she wants to be my close/best friend? No one keeps their word to me... Ever. I'm not being too hard... I don't ask for much... but if it happens this much, it has to be me. Every single person I've gone through situations similar to this will all say it's not my fault... and that it was them, well mostly every I think. Yet, it has to be me. I'm going to grow old and lonely because I won't settle for good enough. I always want better, best. Anyways during Statistics I sat there trying to learn how to flip a pen. Emika finished class and motioned for me to come out and talk to her so I did, I realized just then that it was her birthday! It was happy moment, I said happy birthday and we hugged each other, that was probably the only good thing that happened today, it was just at the right time after what had just happened. I felt like crap, at least one person still liked me for who I was. She went to the math lab to do her homework and I went back to class, I got out like 10 minutes later hah. So stayed with her for a while then she had to go do something I guess so I walked over to the Aloha center to get postage stamps but I had to take a detour out of the McKay building cause of the stupid construction. Chance would have Emily and Sara be right there as I turned out... Anyways as I reached the doors I realized that I had left all my money in my room, stupid... So went back, chilled in my room for a bit, went to the Post Office, sent my mail, sat there alone for a while. I left, went to my room, fell asleep with my clothes on, got super sweaty because I wasn't really in a great mood. I woke up to bloodshot eyes, and Marco coming home. Sometime between falling asleep and waking up when Marco got here, I had went to the bathroom, taken off my clothes, put some shorts on, pretty much ripped my bed apart. I'm getting to that point where I get super depressed and I just sleep all the time because I don't want to deal with anything consciously anymore. I guess I missed that I had argued with my mom too, about her sending my package over. I bet you anything my racket gets here broken in 10 pieces. I played checkers on my Zune... Steph texted me asking if I was going to the investment club thing, I didn't even know there was one. So I met her in the library and we got to the investment thing late as always. We got some tasks from Mike, our sector leader. They are all so freaking hardcore, we actually invest real money. Steph, Jeff, and I are like the only freshmen there. They are all so passionate about it I feel so out of place, I kind of did it just for the experience. After that we went to eat dinner, DJ came after us. Sara and Emily texted him to find them so we went with him. We planned out how we were gonna do Emika's birthday thing. Emily went to get Emika, DJ and I went to get his lighter where he was distracted by girls walking by for forever. Steph and Sara went to get the cake. We went to the picnic area outside the cafeteria, lit her candles and sang to her. Sara said the right name this time! Yay Sara... It was fun I guess, a bit awkward. Obviously Emily and I weren't on the best of terms, what was I supposed to be like? I kind of just sat there, we talked a little bit. Sara had to go take her psych test, Emily left for swing club, DJ left, Steph left to e-mail her essay. So I walked with Emika back to her dorm and that was fine, leaving was a bit awkward. I felt like I was supposed to give her a hug or something, but I didn't. I mean she had a cake in her hands... I don't know what to do anymore, everyone has me so confused. I went to my room to wait for Steph to tell me when she had finished, so she did and I met up with her. We walked around for a bit, went to the TVA playground but it smelled like crap so we walked back, Sara finally finished and DJ came and met up with us. We went to go find her song thing room but she had the wrong building. After searching for forever we found it, DJ decided he was a smart kid and pulls out this stupid confrontation type thing. He really pissed me off tonight he needs to learn to shut his mouth or be serious when it's a serious situation. He talks like he actually knows something, he better look at the situation he's in right now before he can say a thing about anyone else's life. He says he doesn't like Emily but when he thinks she's mad at him he freaks out internally, hinting at his internal freak out to me. He said he didn't like her and that he wouldn't and that I should go for her, yet he pulls this confrontation thing and tries to shove me on Emika and he's all over Emily all the time. He jokes around and blahblah, I really don't even wanna talk about it, it makes me mad thinking about it. I wanted to tell him to eff off and to quit running his mouth and keep his idiotic remarks out of my personal business. So he left finally to get his speaker from Marco. Sara comes out after a while all happy and stuff, I had been talking to Steph a little bit but it's hard to talk to her. I was in a pretty serious mood, and she comes out all hyper and happy and honestly it just pissed me off so much. I was sitting there trying to rub out that pain spot above my eyebrow when I start getting stressed out, so Emily calls her and they start giggling all over each other on the phone while at the same time Emily is texting me all these serious remarks about me and her and how it's retarded and whatever. I wanted to get up and leave, but I still sat there. Then she texts me some super angry text so I show it to Sara because she doesn't believe that Emily is mad. It just goes downhill from there, I just wanted to punch her in the face honestly. She needs to open her eyes and look at herself, she does blame me, she does use you as a term meaning me. She denied ever saying that I had to change myself and that I can't blame Emily for anything. Now tonight she says I need to be less detail oriented and taking everything so seriously. Again it's all me, not that no one can be serious right? Not that anyone else doesn't really think about their actions. Fucking pisses me off so much. I don't even care, Sara needs to take a look at her own damn self. She can't honestly believe that she doesn't blame me for it all unless she really is stupid Sara. Steph is kind of smart I guess, she's just not getting involved, I'm disappointed yeah... But definitely can't blame her, I wish she could have been my friend but she's not. It does take a lot of responsibility to hold that position as my only real friend though... I don't think anyone can handle that responsibility honestly. I have yet to find a person even nearly capable. Emily and I text a bit more, and of course somehow we reach a point where we go in circles. She says she doesn't understand me, I don't understand her, she asks why I don't talk to her (wtf really?), why we can't just be friends, (again wtf...) why I'm so difficult, blahblah.

Basically here's my day. Fight with my mom, fight with Whitney, fight with DJ, fight with Sara, fight with Emily, some fitful sleep during the day, ate a few times, went to investment club, went to class, mailed some letters.

Emily starts it off tonight, after she leaves she texts me saying I was giving her the cold shoulder. Well obviously I had to act differently, she just got pissed at me for causing drama through my actions or whatever. So if I do nothing I can't be doing anything wrong right? Wrong. She wants to know why, or for me to admit that I hate her so she can react the right way. Wow. I want to know why she does half the things she does, or admit how she feels all the time. I ask her for this and all I get is subject changes, how is it ok to ask for something you aren't ready to give up yourself? So I text her back something like that then she texts back some sarcastic remarks, Whatever you want, it's so wonderful hanging out when you won't even speak to me. Why does it matter? She doesn't want to hang out with me anyways, I cause too many problems, drama. Why would I talk to her in front of everyone? Why even interact with anyone, I might be leading them on, they might think I like them. How am I supposed to be around her? She won't tell me a single thing. Then fucking DJ is texting me, Dude talk to her you lameo, your girl, talk to her. Shut your fucking mouth. Then some more sarcasm from Emily, she just tells me to forget it, she just wants to be treated like a human, but never mind that, I should just forget about it. Ha... really, she wants to be treated human? She's the one being a jerk, she won't talk to me, when it gets serious at all the conversation stops. She needs to quit telling lies to herself and me and everyone else, I'm not mad at Champ, well now I am because he asked me. Whatever, freaking bullshit, her little one word responses, I do the same thing to her for a bit and she freaks out on me? I ask her if she's ok or if I did something wrong. She tells me that I'm mad at her, but whatever? How come it's always ok for everyone else to do anything else but not me? Hypocritical example destroys credibility said the Bishop Burton during conference, I like that. Then she pulls the victim card back and sticks out the attacker one. She starts saying that I'm right, she's the one at fault, for serious. Wow. Some more texts go back and forth and I basically just tell her fine, we can just drop it, she's right, I'll stop interfering in her life. She then asks why it has to be so far one way or the other, why we couldn't just be friends. Uh ok. That's what I did want to have at least, but I like my friends to be able to talk to me. So just tell her we must have different ways of looking at people as friends, she then says well friends should be able to talk to each other... Uh hello? Duh. This is all I wanted in the first place, just someone to talk to, then when it came time to talk about us, she ditched out. So I told her this was why I thought we couldn't be friends, because she didn't talk to me. That's pretty much the end of it... She says maybe we should talk tomorrow, I say sure whatever you want, she asks why I never tell her what I want... Come on? Really? I ask her that all the time. So I tell her that I already told her, and that it made things worse, so why do it again, especially when the person asking you to do it refuses to do it themselves. She says ok we can talk to tomorrow, good night, no hard feelings? I can't even bring myself to answer that... So I just say good night. I need time to separate all my feelings right now. I can't have myself make a completely objective decision or completely coherent thoughts with all these unclaimed feelings inside me. I have so much hatred, anger, anguish, agony, sorrow, depression, disappointment, and just generall unwholesome feelings within right now. Not all of them have Emily's name on them though. A bunch belong to DJ and Sara. A little bit even to Jonny, just because everyone is so oblivious to his game. Especially Sara and Stephanie. So much of it belongs to Whitney too. She did the same exact thing that Emily Culp did to me. Made me that promise to still be best friends, then after breaking up became one of the worst friends ever. Look talking on the phone was something she looked forward to, she wrote in her letter how happy it made her, how she looked forward to it so much. So what now? It doesn't make her happy anymore? She doesn't miss me anymore? What? She doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Either her parents messed her up real bad, or her situation, or she was right when she said I must have horribly misjudged her. She said that out of anger though.

I need someone who can treat me the way I want to be. I want someone who wants the same things as me. I don't care if it's just a friend or a significant other. I want someone to trust, someone who sees things eye to eye with me, someone to love unconditionally.

Being on a freaking island in the middle of the damn Pacific Ocean hasn't made it easier to get away from any of my problems. Quite the opposite if anything. All the problems at home are probably worse off than before, first off I'm gone so I can't deal with it personally as well, second I usually get the information second hand and then through a text, message, or call. A lot of things are lost this way. You think I would just say forget it, leave my problems at home and continue life here in Hawaii? No go. This bullshit pops up. I can't get away from this, I'm on that stupid island with them.

I'm so lucky. I'm so well off compared to others. I'm in paradise, going to BYU, living people's dreams. My problems are so miniscule compared to others. I know very well of problems of some people I know that are much greater than mine, yet I definitely make a bigger deal out of it. I care too much, everything matters to me. I have people who care about my well-being and people I am neglecting. I should just let all my problems go how to they go, give myself up to helping those people that I know need it instead of wasting my efforts on my stupid problems that will go away by themselves. My stupid problems that I can't do anything about anyways. Life tends to work itself out I guess, I can't see my life turning out right now but I've been to this point a few times in my life. I always think about how easy it would be to just end it all, I mean it's even easier here, I could just jump off a cliff, there's an ocean around me. I always start thinking that way, then I start thinking about how sad I would make a few people, then I feel guilty, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself (hah irony..., ok that was bad.) I wish I was stronger, I was near tears so many times today. I can't have more on my plate, it's full, overloaded. I'm pretty sure if anything else adds on to it the plate is gonna just shatter from the weight. I just hope tomorrow goes better than today, I don't know what I would do if it went just as bad. I really have no idea... I'm scared for tomorrow.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 25

What a day. I can't even really being to explain how I feel about today. I'm kind of just sick of it, but I can't seem to get rid of it. I'll keep this one short.

It started off with me just wanting to ignore everyone, my new Zune was going to help me. I head to breakfast super late half hoping Emily and Emika will be gone. They weren't. So I sat with them and Sara for a short while. They ended up leaving, Sara walked halfway to class with me after a rushed breakfast. Marketing went well, just lecture. I went back to the cafeteria to sack a lunch, went back to my dorm, saw Jonny and Joey. I did my Book of Mormon homework, kind of stayed in my room and did I dunno what for a while. But I was nearly late to self defense. Funniest thing happened in that class, I was just doing a random roll and hit some girl, Tara in the back. It was kind of hilarious after we realized she wasn't hurt because it seemed like I had hit her super hard. That class is really funny sometimes. Then over to Book of Mormon, boring. Emika was there, we kind of talked a bit. Today is actually her birthday. After Book of Mormon another boring session of Astronomy, then boring Microeconomics. Steph and I went to take our quizzes after class, she ditched me after we finished. I waited til 3:40 for my Psych class to start, which I was nearly sure we weren't going to have but Sara said we had it.We have a test today ugh, and one in Astronomy. We went to Psych, no one was there, we did our homework, I bought ice cream again, Jonny showed up. We wandered around a bit finding power outlets, then went to the library. I made fun of Canada a bit. Emily and DJ were there, she had invited me to work out with her at 6. Funny... I totally called it and said it would be just like her to invite me to workout semi-pretending like nothing was wrong. So I sat with them and moved away because Sara was giggling so much, I messed with them through messaging though. At six I left to get ready for the gym, I video chat with Helen for a while, Emily tells me she didn't know she was still going? lol Dunno what she's saying anymore... They were at dinner, I decided to wait for Steph. By the time she gets finished and comes out Sarah and Emily are walking back, I was laying down on the bench and they didn't notice me till they were right on top of me. I went to eat a rushed dinner because of Steph, then carried her to dodgeball with me where she got extremely pissed, punched me, walked away. Hah. Dodgeball, super fun, nothing extraordinary. We won a bit, then lost. Oh well. They all had left to play soccer and weren't responding to my texts, till I got to my dorm then Sara texts back saying she is at my dorm with the others. So I look for them and don't find them, she says she was actually at her dorm getting movies... >_> And I'm the foreign one? People need to learn English. When they finally get there they ask me to go get my computer, they couldn't have asked me before when I was laying there waiting for them doing nothing right? So I go up, change, do that. We watch Death at a Funeral or something. DJ is all over Emily the whole time as usual. Oh my gosh. I just realized. At this exact moment. I freaking lost Whitney's ring. Holy crap. Frick. FML so bad. Ugh. Way to add onto the end of crappy day. So I just did a little mini-search in my room. Right now I just want to cry. I can't believe I took it off down there, I can't believe I put it on my pinky, I can't believe I didn't even think about it. I just wanna scream, yell, whatever. What a great day. So freaking amazing.

Whitney and I had our talk postponed till today, she didn't text me hardly once. Then she finally does and says "Oh my curfew doesn't let me go on the computer after 10 either." Well duh. Not like we didn't have a huge conversation about this with your parents already. You know if you don't want to talk to me anymore you could just tell me to my face. At least that way I can tell you I lost your ring. And feel like a piece of crap.

Emily. Just wow. The way she talks. The way she doesn't have any blame in any of this. She can turn the tables on me now? The same situation happened today as yesterday but backwards. Effin shiz. For real. That's all I can type out because I can't swear anymore.

Sara. Sure she was cool today, we were friendly, I liked her company, I like it more than anyone elses right now it seems, sad eh? I was just complaining about how much I hated her a few days ago. I can't talk to her though, she took Emily's side completely. Not regarding my own at all, not even giving it a chance to be judged. I can't blame her though, she's Emily's friend. Where's my friend though? How's that fair?

Now what? I'm giving her what she wants, at least what I can tell from that one text from yesterday. I'm trying to avoid any confusing actions which might be taken the wrong way. I am following Sara's advice, before she gave it to me. Leave her alone, don't analyze her, blah blah. Do I still like Whitney? Do I even like Emily anymore? It doesn't really matter does it? Doesn't matter who I like. Doesn't matter who likes me. I can't do a freaking thing about it. Apparently I'm not important in any situation. Apparently, not only should I think of others first which I try to do anyways, but I can't count myself. I just played hours of poker by myself, why? I had nothing to do. I couldn't go to sleep, my mind is racing, my emotions running wild. I hate my life. I hate everyone in my life. So much for college being a new start right? I freaking am an ocean away from anyone I know besides Stephanie who I don't even know well anyways, and yet all my problems caught up to me. And they hit me right when I was having new problems.

Emily wants to talk? No Emily ever wants to talk. Emily asks me how I feel and starts to probe me? How hypocritical. Emily makes stupid assumptions? I'm done. I don't want to write more and get more angry. The only person I'm not disappointed in, in my life right now is Helen. And she's so oblivious, and has a bunch of her own problems right now. I can't put the stress of knowing what a horrible time I'm having right now on her, at least not for no reason. She's going to listen, then what. What advice can she give? Pray, remain faithful and positive, and that she's there for me whatever whenever. I'm excited for tomorrow.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 24

Pretty horrible day, no joke. It started off pretty well though... so sad huh?

I think I'm gonna start with my feelings with this one, a while ago was feeling pretty amped up and super dressed at the same time. I couldn't focus enough to even think about attempting to do my homework so that's why I'm starting this blog so late I guess. Right now I don't even know how to explain how I feel. Lonely? Frustrated? Disappointed? I mean it's not that I feel this for everyone else, I feel it towards myself too. Emily reminds me so much of Emily, "let's talk about it, never mind I'll text you it real quick, k bye." Basically she was acting the same as late last night after Emika left all day to me. I finally just tell her I feel like I did something or that something was wrong, she finally let on that something was up and that we could talk about it later. So I tried to set up some time we could talk, it seemed like it would work out. I finished my test super quick, she was at dodgeball and I was going there. She left before I got there, she went to do her English essay, I would just meet up with her when she got to dodgeball again at 8:30. Well she just decided to text it to me I guess, out of anger? Impatience? I dunno. This was so great, I mean earlier today Whitney and I were supposed to talk and catch up on a bunch of things. She ended up being too busy for me. This was the same girl was basically begging me to forgive her and that what she wanted more than anything in the world was to be back with me, no matter what her parents said, did, etc. Now she doesn't text me, talk to me, message me, nothing. This was a week ago. Holy crap. Am I that easily forgotten? Am I that easy to brush off? Am I that easy to push around? She sent me some of the most insensitive things too, it's not like she wanted to talk or fix things."Look we don't have to really talk about it. Honestly all I was going to say was that it really isn't anything i'm mad at you forbesides you need to be aware of the drama you're creating" What?! Drama I'm creating? Fine, I admit it. I create drama, but how many people are involved? Me, DJ, Emily, Emika. That's 4 freaking people. What's she trying to say? She doesn't have a part in it? She's the innocent one? She couldn't have done anything about this situation? How can she just lie to me all day when I ask her if she's ok, mad, angry at me, etc. and then finally admit that she is then throw out crap like this? Sometimes she seems so nice, and so willing to talk, so ready to try everything to remedy the situation. Then it's all of a sudden, crashing down upon me. How is it my fault that Emika likes me? How is it my fault that I like Emily? It would be so much easier if anyone of these freaking stupid people I call my friends would learn to be just straight up. Especially Emily and DJ. Especially, especially Emily. How much easier would this situation be if I knew what she wanted? "No i guess not. I just don't understand what you want. Maybe you need to figure that out." Really? Really? Really?! So this was in response to me asking her if that was all she wanted to say. I need to figure out what I want apparently. I haven't told her apparently. I haven't told anyone else either huh? What does she want me to do? Frick woman, just tell me a few things and it would be so much easier on everyone, how serious your relationship is back home, if you like me, if there was any way that there would be a chance for a relationship. 3 simple questions. She complains about her knowing less than anyone? WTF. Everyone knows more than me right now. Everyone knows how I feel, and I feel like everyone else knows how everyone else feels. Emily talks to the other girls, they're girls. So basically I'm screwed up the butt for being honest? Great. Makes me feel so great. You know what's funny? I'm not even mad, I'm really not. I'm so disappointed. More in myself, how could I let myself get into a situation like this again? So quickly even. She says, "Idk just think about it I guess. So I replied with a "Well I guess that's fine then. Alright I'll think about what i do. "Ha you're mad i can hear it. Look just do whatever you want. I don't really care." Wow. This is probably the climax right here. She thinks she can judge me and see who I am and how I feel now? Do whatever I want? She doesn't care? It's so great that I pick the right people to trust with my heart. How many has it been now? Too many. It was too many, too long ago. A couple other things were said before this, I guess she told me to think about how people might read my actions? Alright, she should be talking. "Heyyyyy DJ." FML. I honestly wanted to die, right there. Quickly, silently, and unnoticed. The latter wouldn't be that hard to accomplish I suppose.

So here's how it is in my life so far.

Champ: 0
Everyone else: Sideways 8

I can't succeed. I'm not important to a single person, I don't even hold anyone important to me anymore. Who do I miss from back home? No one. Sure I miss my friends, home, blah blah. K let's look at it broken down. Do I miss my house? No. It smells like crap, it's in the middle of nowhere, I don't even have my stuff out of the boxes, I've only "slept" one night there in my life, and it smells like crap. Do I miss my family? Not at all. So sad. My sister? It's been great without her. My mom? I saw her like an hour a day when I lived with her anyways. My dad? I saw him an hour every 2 weeks anyways. Did I enjoy spending time with any of them? No. What did my sister do? Break everything, whine like crazy, complain about how she doesn't have the best things, etc. etc. My mom? I love you so much Champ, please do well in school, I don't have money, your dad needs to write me a paycheck, I need to pay the bills, do well in school, do you want some food, I'm going out with my friends, I'm going to work, when is your next game, oh you video broadcast? My mom doesn't know a thing about my life, she hardly even knew I got freaking baptized. She doesn't know the sports I do, she doesn't know my subjects in school, she doesn't know who my friends are. My dad. So ridiculous, everything comes back to money. He says he doesn't want to talk about money because it takes up so much of his life, but he talks about that the 45 minutes we're at lunch. When he calls me, it's about the stupid bank, what to do with the rest of my money, whether I need money or not, how I'm gonna make money, how I'm gonna manage, how he can pull out his 401k and bail me out, how he can sell everything he has to support me, how he can ask money from his brothers and sisters, how he's going to die soon, and a whole new variety of problems wrong with him. I don't wanna hear this bullcrap, I have enough problems in my own life. He doesn't care about them. My ex? What ex. I'm so sick of this, they're always so emotional after it happens, whether it's me that does it or not. Yet who gets over it? They do. Who dwells, who has unresolved feelings, who wants to cry every night thinking about the pain of the other person? My friends? what friends? Here or at home. No one even can skim the surface of me anymore, I can get away with saying I'm fine :) and all is well. No remarks, no rebuttals. Why even try to talk to them when it's so easy to tell them what they really wanted to hear? I felt so bad laying in bed tonight. I say this all the time so it can't possibly be true but, I've never felt so alone in my life. Who do I have though honestly? I live in a dorm with like 300 other guys, I have a sleeping man about 10 feet past me. I have a guy like 2 feet away from me past a wall. I know like half the people on this stupid campus. And I feel so alone. So completely, utterly, alone. I don't have a person that can reciprocate my feelings of wanting a companion, I mean just as friends man. Holy crap, is it really asking that much? Is asking people to be honest to me that much to ask for either? I feel like i don't ask for too much, but I never get it. I mean that has to be a sign, it has to mean I'm asking for too much, how do I lessen my wishes though? I wish half the people I wanted to be honest with me were honest? I want someone to be my friend sometimes? That just doesn't make sense. I hate people. I'm going to die alone. Now let's look at religiously. I die alone. I don't get married in the temple. I don't have anyone to get sealed to. I don't have a lineage of someone I want it from anymore. I'm screwed, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Lose-lose-lose-lost. Thanks for the memories everyone. I'll look back on this and laugh... No, I probably want. I'll probably look back at this in 10 years, when I'm sitting on a computer blogging at 1AM, under nearly the same circumstances, I'll see that I wrote what I was feeling 10 years ago nearly to the day, and just copy and paste this entry.

Well that was a nice little rant, I guess I can summarize my day real quick and call it good huh? Woke up late again. DJ came as I was getting up and we got breakfast at like 9:30. Sara came right after us. Something hilarious happened there... So the juice dispensers sometimes lag a  bit when you press the dispense button, so it happened to this girl. But it kept going, on and on. So she ran back and forth getting more and more cups, I stood watching and laughing so insanely hard inside my head. By this time a few cups were full and a few girls were poking buttons trying to get it to stop. I just blurt out, "Punch it!" They all look at me like I'm retarded, so I walk over and literally punch it. It stops immediately. The last cup was shaking and shimmering right over the level of the rim. Perfect. It was an amazing moment ha. So Steph gets there finally, like 40 minutes late as usual. So I wait for her to finish so we can go to my dorm and I can do my devotional extra credit with her notes. As I was chilling do this and some stats quizzes Anthony comes by and asks for my card to get some stuff for Marco, he didn't come back for a while. I thought I was gonna have to get an RA to unlock my room, ugh that was annoying. I went to the devotional, Mitch met us on the way and we sat through that. I was texting Whitney, nothing good... All negatives. It wasn't going through. After devotional was over I was worried about my test so I went to my room and did some practice quizzes which are stupid, they are exact replicas, every pre-test, post-test, and quiz. I can score 100% from now on I suppose. No use in helping me learn/study though huh? DJ comes to my room and it's lunchtime, after that I go take my stats test. The testing center is kind of a complicated place, nonetheless the test was easy. Got 93% on the multiple choice, still waiting on the rest. After that I go to my room, Mitch, Sara, and Steph went to Foodland I guess. I showered while waiting for them, and apparently they wanted to go to the beach now. So I went with them to Guitar Beach but all I did was sit and listen to music. Mitch and Steph went to play somewhere, I dunno. Steph gets around I guess. Sara did "homework", played Solitaire. We went back, Steph was slow changing again. We rushed dinner, left quickly for our economics study group. We got there as it started, and it was stupid. We didn't even learn anything, we hadn't read chapter four but the review was simple. I convinced her we should just go and take it, before all the computers were taken. Luckily I was right, we got there with 3 computers left. The test was easy as crap. 2 hours we were supposed to allow to take it, took me 15 minutes and I got 85%. +3%. +Curve. That's an A+ right there. I rushed over to dodgeball, then that whole Emily fiasco happened. Steph finished a few moments after me, she got like 90%. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the questions hah oh well. Dodgeball was super intense, I played every game. One game everyone was aiming for me and just couldn't get me out. It was freaking sweet. I thought it was anyways. I think I pulled a groin muscle though, hurts pretty bad. It was probably from overworking it by running for half an hour yesterday though. After dodgeball I go home Marco got his package! My zune and speaker came, sweet. I'm excited, I can ignore everyone now. Perfect timing, now I can go to the cafeteria and put them in and pretend like I don't notice anyone. I honestly don't even want friends. What kind of friends treat me the way they do? I'm sick of it. Anyways, I lazed around in bed cause my injury, hotness, sweatyness, lack of motivation to live a life, etc. I started homework at midnight, then realized I actually had a bunch. Sweet. Sara never called me or anything after she finished dodgeball. Emika messaged me, at least she seems to be back to normal and can joke around with me again. I guess I gotta watch my mouth around her, she misunderstands a few things I say. Maybe... the way I feel right now... will go away. And never come back. Some day? Maybe I'm feeling all this pain at such an early age because I won't have to feel any later, that makes sense right? Maybe tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life? Wishful thinking I suppose... But that's all I have right now isn't it? Literally. I have 21 bucks, 0 friends, 0 girls, 0 people I love, 0 people I care about, and a huge honking 0 where I imagine myself in society.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 23

Pretty uneventful day compared to the rest I suppose. It was also better compared to the rest, at least I think so.

Started off as a normal Monday, woke up super tired, more than usual. I had thought about skipping business haha, only the third week of school. Uh-oh! I showered, got ready and stuff, got out a little later than normal. Like 7:10, Emily, Sara, and Emika were at breakfast and I ate with them. It felt a little awkward to me, since I had just had... ya know, talks. With them two. I guess it was ok. Afterwards Emika and I got sack lunch and had a bit of an awkward moment. I went to class and she went to hers and that was it. After class I rushed to do my Book of Mormon homework before class as always. I went to self-defense and had some fun in that class stabbing Tai with a fake knife haha. After class let out I walked to Book of Mormon a different route hoping it was shorter and more cool, I'm always super sweaty by the time I get there. On the way I see Emika ahead of me and I walk a little quicker to try to catch up to her, for some reason this is one of the times that she happens to be walking fast, in my head it was more than coincidence she must have seen me or something. I finally caught up to her, but then she went a different entrance, I thought she was doing this just to get away from me, but then I realized I had gone in a different way than I usually did, so I felt super stupid. In class I guess things were returning a bit to normal, she at talked to me a little. There were a few tense awkward moments still though. After class let out I went to Astronomy, on time. Turned in my homework, Ryosuke was late as always. He's gonna fail out of college I swear. Again learned nothing in that class, went to Microeconomics with Ryosuke and Steph. We watched a half hour video and got let out haha I love that class.

Afterwards Steph and I didn't know what to do, but I was hungry so we hung out in my lounge while I did my homework and got my sack lunch from my dorm. I did a bunch of Statistics work, like homework and quizzes, I must say I really don't like the homework or quizzes. They take forever/are hard to take. Steph went to class at like 3:40 and I started my laundry expecting her to text me when they got out of class so we could figure out something to do. She never texted me, what a jerk. Earlier during Astronomy it was thundering a bit and I was texting Emily about it and she sounded... happy with me. Well at least not unhappy, not like she had sounded last night before she told me she was going to bed. Sara ends up texting me back first out of all them, but by the time we figure everything out they've already left for the beach. DJ and I are kind of pissed, my laundry still has like 20 minutes before it dries. Emika calls me asking if I left for the beach because she wanted to go. I suggested she come with DJ and I and meet up with Em, Steph, and Sara. I meet Emika out in the courtyard and we have like 3 minutes till my laundry finishes, somehow in that 3 minutes she figures out she has no time to go to the beach. It's like 5:30 and she wants to be back by 6 to work out, then laundry, then FHE. And she had already eaten dinner, I felt like she was just messing with me or something. She left me after a few attempts at a guilt trip from me, they worked but she was adamant about working out for that entire hour. I went to retrieve my clothes and Marco ended up being there also, I quickly change into my swim clothes and ask him to take my clothes back up to my room, I forgot my stupid goggles, dang. I stuck my laptop and clothes that I was wearing into DJ's room and yell up at Marco to throw my goggles down. DJ decided not to go either because I didn't say please. So gay. So I left by myself, walked down to the temple headed to temple beach, realized I wasn't sure where it was so texted Emily, after a bit she called me realizing I was headed in the entirely wrong direction. So I walked a completely huge circle and after about an hour I got to where they were. The beach was ok, there were a billion sand crabs, the ocean was super shallow and the bottom was covered with coral, that was sharp. Oh well, it was still nice. I saw some fishies haha Sara's flippers didn't fit me, my feet were too fat. They left pretty quickly, I guess I got there pretty late. We left and I went to shower, of course this was the time they picked to be quick and not shower/take an hour getting ready, so they were already at dinner by the time I got there and realized they had left without me. Sara left pretty quickly for House, Em came right after she had left. So Em, Steph and I ate and talked for a while. Apparently her and I are going to have a cereal eating contest hah. She doesn't stand a chance :)

After we left Steph went to her room I guess, Em went to work out so I went with her. We sat on opposite benches for a while after we were ready, we didn't really know we were there. Haha it was kind of funny once I realized and she hadn't. All we did was run for about half an hour, it was probably the hardest running I've done in years, we didn't even talk. Sad... I felt like we still were better off than last night by a whole lot though which was good. Afterwards we quickly did sets of sit-ups and we had some small witty banter with each other which was fun, I made fun of her a bit and got her to start doing step-ups with me till she got sick of it and quit haha. We started back towards her lounge and I realized I was soaked, gross. I told her I'd come back after changing, so I went washed off a bit and changed. She couldn't find her FHE group but Sara and Steph were in the lounge already watching TV so we joined them. After a while Emika called Emily and she actually came to hang out with us after finishing up her laundry! That awkwardness felt gone finally, it felt great, I felt like somehow everything was turning out well, at least improving. Emily and Sara bit the dust first and left, then Steph and that Anna girl, then finally Emika. We chatted for a few minutes after, just normal talk like we used to. After leaving I texted Emily saying Emika seemed better, with which we had a few texts long conversation where she basically seemed super pissed. I feel like she was pissed at me! But what had I done?! Was it Emika? I don't know... So ridiculous, I eff something up without even knowing it this time? I felt like I was doing the right thing even! I'm so lost... I need outside opinions but I can't get any because I don't have any other friends here that associate themselves with our core of friends so much. It sucks not having the same network I have back at home... So right now, I feel like I'm on a teeter-totter. Emika can't be happy if Emily is, if Emily is Emika can't. I know that can't be right, but right now that's what it feels like. It's probably me though, it always is. I can be pretty oblivious sometimes I guess. I wish people knew how I felt inside, I feel pretty bad. I'm super emotional inside, the bad kinds of emotion that is. Guilt, sorrow, shame, sadness, frustration, all the good things about life ya know?

DJ was being kind of super annoying today. Marco had, had a horrible day. I had to massage his back out the night before as well as putting that heat pad on his back. Then going to work he got yelled at again by the stupid guy. Then his laundry pretty much killed him, the washer didn't work the first time, then he had to dry his clothes twice. I told DJ that Marco was having a bad day but he still messed with Marco, which was normal, but Marco was being super serious and asking DJ to leave him alone but DJ didn't for a while. Then DJ started being pissy and ended up ditching me and not going to the beach with me.

Emily is a mystery to me. At times I seem to understand her so well and I am able to connect with her on a deep level, but at others I can't tell at all what races through her mind. Especially not about me, sometimes I feel she hates me and others I feel like her feelings reciprocate mine. There's plenty other cute, smart, witty, talented, athletic, etc. girls here. Why don't I like them? It would probably be a lot easier. Do I just like her for the challenge? Nah... There's something special about this girl, I can't put my finger on it. But I know I like her for reasons other than the "normal" ones.

Emika is less of a mystery. I can't really blame her for the way she's acted I guess. I'm kind of super bad with dealing with girls. It's at least as much my fault as anyone elses in this case. Hopefully things are getting better though so I won't have to worry about it anymore and it can be just a normal relationship.

Whitney... I still have to send her letter. Ugh. What am I supposed to put here? I still need her... I need her constant companionship, I need her always open ear, I need her always smiling and giving attitude. Or at least someone to be her proxy while I'm here, I'm a pretty needy guy. She seems to be a lot better now though, maybe she was just exaggerating how she felt... She doesn't seem to be as clingy or still attached to me as she says she was/would be.

Helen... I also need to send her letter. Again what am I supposed to put? Her and I never really get a chance to talk anymore either. I miss it, I miss hearing her tell me about her life. Whether it was big, small, important, unimportant, etc. I need people to need me I guess. I'm lacking that here, everything functions fine without me. That disappoints me I suppose.

Emily... The blonde one... Hah. She said we'd talk later, we never did. Same old Emily...

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

So here's the unrelated irrelevant story, the girls were being oh so funny yesterday and all started texting me the same things at the same time. So when I realized they were messing with me I started texting them back mean stuff ha. And I guess I made it into Sara's quotebook. I texted that Steph kissed girls, Sara got peed on, and Baby Jelly wants to have fat babies, all in quick succession. I guess Sara thought that, that was super hilarious. Nothing about my statements about her constant state of arousal though huh? That was the funniest thing I said yesterday in my opinion. Oh well, chacun a son gout I suppose.

Day 22

A pretty good day until the end where I messed up a bit.

Nothing really happened honestly. Marco and I were going to go to the 10AM meeting for conference in the little theatre but we woke up late at like 10:10. So we were just going to watch it on our computer, Emily said I should go to the theatre though. So I dressed up and went, I didn't see them but the theatre was packed. So I sat next to two aZn girls that I didn't know. After the first session finished I saw them behind me and we met up and hung out, got some water, waited for the food and the second session to start, they didn't know which would come first ha. It was pretty nice, Steph was being kind of weird though. I'm sort of curious about what happened last night with her and Jonny, but I still don't really want to know. Eh... So we ate the free food because it came out first, it was decent. But I was still a bit hungry, so was Em and she suggested we get food from the cafeteria, which we did. After that we went to the 2nd session of conference which started right as we got there pretty much, nice timing! Sara was off on her phone somewhere though. Someone stepped on her toe, ouchie. So I sat with them for this session, I watched Emily draw for most of the conference. I felt like we actually bonded, like on a one to one level because nothing was really distracting. After that Sara and Steph left to go get ready for beach time. Em and I walked back more slowly and talked about a few things I don't really remember, but she said she was going to sleep and didn't want to go to the beach. Funny thing, Steph and Sara decided against it because they were too lazy to walk there. Stupid. DJ came up and we did the computer thing, we sat and played on our laptops. Steph was in Hale 2 for some reason she can walk there but not to the beach I guess. Jonny and her there so I decided against going there like she asked me to. DJ and I played till like 5 then Marco said dinner closed at six and he was going now so I texted everyone and they all wanted to eat too, dinner was super super good. Like ridiculously good ham and potatoes. We saw Emika there... she didn't eat with us, or talk to us like at all. They left for their meetings, DJ and I went to our dorms. He ended up coming to my room again after a while because we got bored. I was doing homeworkish. We ended up watching Saw 1 while I did astronomy because Marco gave me all the Saw movies. By the time the girls finished their meetings I found out they were going to ditch us and have a girls movie night, so DJ and I did the computer thing for a while, then he decided to read his article for English on his iPod and fell asleep on my couch so he went to sleep. By this time Emily and I had had a pretty decent conversation, I felt like I was making progress. DJ felt like he was getting shafted now, so complicated. I talked with her a bit more, then Emika finally signed onto MSN and we talked for a bit... There's my day...

Emika... I dropped the ball. Emily is right, I must have been sending off every random signal to this girl possible. I must have had her confused beyond imagination, I'm pretty ticked at myself right now for that, because I hate it when girls do that and that's kind of hypocritical I suppose. Some of the jokes I had said she had taken to heart, and Emily told me that when I was saying she hated me, she thought it was because I didn't like her, which is NOT true. I do like her a lot, and miss her :( Now I think I have like permanently ruined that relationship we had, which I desperately hope is not true. I really, really hope somehow I can work something out and everything will be better. It's a far out wish, but maybe if I pray hard enough...

Stephanie. This girl is so weird. She's so secretive, I dunno. She was acting kind of bipolar today too hah. Has it been a month since we've been here? Nearly... maybe it's that time of the month again. She hugged me for like the first time ever today I think, at least definitely the first time since we've been here. She said it was because she was mean to me haha...

Emily. Today I feel like I spent it almost exclusively with her, which was way nice. No DJ. No Jonny. No Emika. No Steph. No Sara. I mean even though they were there I spent that time with Emily, and I felt like we got a lot closer. It felt great, I even got her to start talked to me, on a deeper level about herself, I feel like I tricked her somehow or something, but hopefully I didn't. It was all great, until the end when she was headed to bed. I had to open my big mouth one last time and kept her going for a little while after she said she was going to bed, I was joking around and I said that she sucked and that I hated her as a response to one of her texts where she changed the subject I guess. And she took it to heart, and basically I felt like I had lost all progress I had made today. That sucked. A lot. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes, and that people don't have the same sense of humor as me. There's a thunderstorm going on right now, reminds me of her.

Whitney. Game over. In a bad way. I think we've lost that connection. That spark. That fire. Her parents doused it with water, foam, fire extinguishers, sand, fire blankets. We don't even talk anymore. I lost, I can't do anything right. Especially not when it involves girls. It hasn't even been a whole week, I'm one of the worst people I know. I should be caring more right now, I'm not caring nearly enough for what she means to me. She made the right decision I guess, she's better off without me. Hopefully she'll date Jake, he's a great guy. I'd be so happy for her if they ended up together, I know he would treat her right, make her happy, do everything that she needs. We all know I can't. All I did for her is keep her fear near to her, I might have made her worse off.

Katarina Marie. She's my best friend, I don't even treat her like she's a good friend. I never talk to her, her family is coming to visit me for Christmas. I'm horrible. I expect out of people things I don't give up myself. Ugh.

Brittany. This girl is so weird. I don't know how to explain her, she's nice. I like her, but she's just so... negative and pessimistic. About herself. She says I'm the only one who even seems to like her or want her around or thinks she's pretty, etc. I can't take that kind of responsibility upon me, especially when I'm across a freaking ocean. I don't think people understand that, Hawaii is in the middle of an OCEAN. I can't really drive on over for a couple of hours to catch up, fix things, spend time with. It takes me at least a few days and a few hundred dollars.

Helen. I can't reach that level of connection I want to anymore. With anyone it seems, even with Helen. The person most willing to connect with me, talk with me, talk to me. She has problems going on, and I don't know them. This sickens me.

DJ. What a twist of irony again. Now he feels like he messed up, that Emily is mad at him, that she isn't paying attention to him. So pretty much he feels the same way I felt a few days ago. But he shouldn't because he doesn't like her... so he says.

What do I do? I'm stuck again. Will I find a way out this time? Seems pretty unlikely that I'll be able to get by without a lot of flak this time, but then again it wouldn't be the first time huh? We'll just have to wait and see... Until then, this is the story of my life.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

P.S. Story from back home. Road trip! Wow that was the most fun thing of my life, but too long to be added at the end. So very, very small part of it. River jumping... Haha. I tried to jump across a river, not too long honestly, I failed miserably. My last step slipped out from underneath me, it was literally like a carpet being pulled out I swear. So I was in the air slow motion long jump, kind of like the logo on the Air Jordans kind of position, and halfway across the river already, I suddenly face planted, the river was much deeper than I thought. More than a foot or two, it was at least as deep as my arms where I landed. I hopped out of that water as quick as a runner out of the blocks, that water was freezing. Apparently it looked super hilarious, everyone laughed for forever. Tasha and Whitney watched from the bridge, while Morgan and Jake watched from the river bank. Anyways, end story!

Day 21

A super long day. Started at 6am, ended pretty much now since DJ and I aren't really doing anything but sitting on our laptops. Although pretty much nothing happened today, we chilled like all of today. We ate, sat, watched. Haha...

So the day before I stayed up till like 3, I had to wake up at 5:30. Not a good idea, my many alarms hardly woke me up. I would say my obligations for having to wake everyone else up was the only thing that really got me up, had I not had to do that I probably would have just slept in. I actually got out of bed at 5:50. I took a shower after feeling rejected hah. Sara got up easiest, but went back to sleep. Stephanie was already up apparently, she ignored my 2 calls and texted me instead. Emily never awoke. I called her like double digits lol I thought I was going to go to conference alone, but Chris and his roommate went at the same time as me, and I brought my pillow to sleep on! Good idea, except my head and body just hurt. Soon as I got there I sat down 2 chairs down from Carlee (her name is spelled sweet!) and lay my head on my pillow but it hurt to like put pressure on my body. Food was ready! I got me some pancakes, sausages, pog, alrighttttt. That woke me up for a little bit, then Steph said she was coming at like 6:30. She got there and I moved down a seat for her, apparently Emily texted me saying she was coming at like 6:45 too but I never saw it haha. So basically, all of this session of conference, I sat, napped, ate, messed around. I wrote in Carlee's journal the way I say her name, CARLYYYYYYYYYY!!!! And she went and replaced every Y with an E and that's when I found out how her name was really spelled haha. Steph told me about how Ariel and her "took notes" during conference when they were little, they drew little pictures. This part in conference started talking about, popcorn growing in apricot trees, children wanted to becoming sunbeams, etc. So we joked around about that for a while, but then she was a jerk to me and texted Steph instead :( Hah We finally finished and we all went to Hale 3 I think. I'm really not sure hah. We watched the TV for a while and Sarah and Emily fell asleep almost instantaneously, I watched some random stuff, football, some drama, I dunno. Everyone got up at around 9:40 and we went to get real breakfast at the cafeteria. We met up with DJ and Jonny and Emika. After that we went to 10:00 conference. Jonny came for a little bit then went to shower, DJ never showed up. He went surfing instead. Conference was pretty boring. Got chairs for a few people, Emika, I and her friend got separated by some couple, so Emily, Sara, and Jonny sat apart from us. Mitch came sometime in the middle, he had come back from Foodland Pharmacy for his eyedrops from getting sand in his eyes. Stupid Mitch. Hah. I pretty much just talked to Eden, texted Sara, bothered Emika all of this conference. After that finished we went to Hale 5 to chill and watch movies and stuff. We nearly missed lunch because we were watching that movie about that German chick and her young boytoy, we left at like 1:40 but we thought the cafeteria closed at 2:00 instead of 1:30. We ended up sneaking in I guess, even Mitch did it. What a rebel. After lunch we went back and watched the rest of that movie, then the movie 23. I pretty much slept through all of both haha. Jonny showed up with Steph sometime, I dunno they're weird. Steph and Sara were going to go to Africa club or something and left, then DJ and Jonny left to go fix Jonny's longboard, then Mitch left for I dunno. So it was Emily and I alone for once, we didn't even talk about anything. She avoids everything, anything that might cause stress or problems, I dunno. I feel like that makes it worse, but I guess that's her choice, even though it really does affect me so I should have some say in it. After she finished her chem homework we went to dinner. After dinner we kind of split, I was with Steph because Emily left to do more homework but she was going to work out with me later or something. Steph and I played badminton for a while till this guy was all up in our faces about putting on real shoes. So ridiculous, so Steph left, I went back cause DJ came. On the way back Steph and I saw Liza and friends and chatted it up with them, as that was happening it started torrential rain downpour for a lot longer than normal. She got wet, I got soaked. I went home, changed into workout clothes and ran back because it was super wet. I had to wait forever to play, but when I finally got to I pegged DJ like 500 times. Well worth it. Emily ended up calling me way later than she said she was going to, but she had an emergency, luckily I checked my phone as she called because I had just finished badminton. Sara had slipped in the rain and was wearing flip-flops, apparently she had sheared off the tip of her toe so I rushed over to Hale 3 where they said they were headed. I made Marco bring back the pillow I had been lugging around all day haha By the time I got there Sara had been pretty much settled in and they were about to perform surgery haha Emily clipped off the dead skin and such, they peroxided it a bunch, bandaged it, called it good. Obviously Em and I weren't going to work out after that, and we were definitely not going to all play soccer lol So we decided we were just going to sit in their lounge and chill. I went back to change and bring cards and my laptop, her lounge doesn't allow laptops, wtf? lol I chatted with Marco a bit and asked him to come to Haunted Lagoon with us on Thursday for Emika's birthday. Shhh it's a surprise, it's in 4 days haha So I got there way late, DJ got there a few minutes after me. We ended up playing spades, the game I owned the missionaries at. Sara and I ended up winning! And I had got the RA's to let me play music on my laptop. Baby Jelly had to sleep early because she was exhausted and sick, so we were going to leave. Emika got there a few minutes before we all left. Everyone left, good nights were said, DJ went to get his laundry. And now... time for Emika and Champ to be alone and try to attempt to talk. It went just as well as with Emily. I'm striking out here, no forward progress on being friends or being trusted here. I ended up getting really close I think, but she pulled away right before she started to have that connection. After a while we left said good night and I came back to my dorm, then DJ came up and here we are...

Stephanie and Jonny are gone. I'm kind of annoyed at them. Steph is kind of a jerk to me, but not. At the same time. It's difficult to explain. I don't like them spending so much time together alone, I dunno I guess I feel responsible for Steph since she was my friend before we got here even if she doesn't consider me her close friend. Jonny... this kid has been kind of annoying for a while. I dunno what to say except I really don't want to know what they're doing alone on the beach at 1AM. Emika... I dunno what to do. I really, really miss her and I being close. Even if it was only because of one reason, it felt normal, good, like home. I feel like she just doesn't even want me to be in her life anymore, except she does the small things to be polite. Sara is getting a lot better, I think I actually like her again. And she did get hurt, I guess I feel sympathetic for her now. DJ is kind of annoying me too, but at different times. He's a great guy when he hangs out with me, except now I think he's feeling jealous because he stole my phone when he knew Emily was texting me. And he just carries on a little far about things, all the time. He says this is how he is, and it feels great for him to be able to be who he finally really is, I guess I accept him. I definitely will say I would like him better if he was able to be a little more reserved, upfront, and honest to himself. Emily was... kind of being super weird today. She explained it off as her being sick and her day starting badly so her whole day ended up being that way. She was kind of a jerk to me too. Why do I like her? It'd be so much easier if I didn't. Although I doubt it would fix anything now, so it would be like cutting my losses if I were able to just stop liking her. I wish it were that easy though, there's no reason for me to, I just do. Whitney is doing the same thing she did before we got close, so same thing that everyone else is doing to me now. She seems to have forgotten about us, and given up, maybe it's for the best. She'll probably heal faster, end up feeling better, and I'll be... free. I dunno, that's not even a good feeling to have honestly, I'd much rather be in a real relationship than to be dating around. Helen is having difficult times again, her and Lily fought, work is hard, family isn't great. The things where I would be able to do things are now out of reach for me so I can't help with those anymore. The things that I can't do anything with are right up here in my face, personally involving and hurting me. So great right?

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 20

What a day. Where to start?

Well, the beginning's been a good spot to start for a while so I guess I may as well continue that.

Breakfast was nice, Emika and Emily were there. I went to class, we got our Marketing groups assigned finally. Then... we played with Tinker Toys! That was pretty fun hah. We won the first round of building, but lost to the 1st round losers in the 2nd round! So sad. So after that I got way bored because I didn't have class from 8:30 till like 12:10. I chilled in my room for the whole time, did some homework, read some psychology, took a mini-nap. Had a mini-dream, it was about Sara, DJ, Emily, and I. Which quite oddly coincided with what happened later... So I woke up, everyone was gone to class, or something. So this was the first time I had to eat alone, I thought it was gonna be weird and awkward for me, but it was actually completely fine. After lunch I went to Astronomy where we learned nothing again, Ryosuke came directly from sleeping and thought he was super late. We left class and he wondered if he should get lunch or not, I told him he should just do it. Then this chick from the Financial Aid Office came in and was looking for him in Microeconomics and said this letter for him was super important. He was going to have all his classes dropped because he hadn't payed his fees yet! Stupid kid... Ha. Luckily he came back before the class period was over or else I'd have to bring the letter back to the office. After that Steph went to go write her essay or something and I went to my room again. Emily called asking if I wanted to work out and I said sure, gym was closed so she suggested we run to Pounders. I met up with her by her dorm and we found this cool looking hat which I found later that night around 11pm. We didn't run, again. Hah. We got there pretty quick, she was pretty deathly afraid of the waves. I brought my goggles and was having some fun trying not to die, it got pretty tiring pretty quick though. Plus my ears were getting owned and they still hurt like a beezy right now, I feel like I popped my right ear drum or something. After Emily finally decided to go out into the water and play a bit she got tired and sat on the beach rubbing sand all over her self, so I went and sat by her for a bit. A super big wave came and crashed up to our hips or so, and my goggles got swept away so I chased after them as I heard Emily yell ow a few times. Then a couple of bigger yells, and she pointed at the ground and there lay a huge jellyfish.

This is where my dream starts to make sense, I knew something happened to Emily, and that Sara and DJ were there too. Weird eh? Anyways, it was a fat jellyfish, and she got stung pretty bad. I felt super guilty, I mean she was there with me, at least could have been me that got stung or something right? It was stupid. pretty much that jellyfish got washed under her and then it wrapped itself around her and stung. I really didn't feel like I could take complete control of the situation because I felt like I had no right but I tried to do what I could... I made her go shower it off while I got our stuff, it seemed to get worse, I dunno. She took a super long shower then DJ showed up as we were drying off. Told him the story, he got all excited, then disappointed when he learned nobody got peed on. Walking back for Em seemed pretty painful, I really just wanted to carry her back but I knew she would have adamantly refused that, I hate when people feel the need to be polite to me to the point where it is detrimental for them. We met Sara by the PCC and where the school meet, there's the end of my dream I think. We convince her to go to the health center with us. The stupid receptionist said to wash it with warm water, period. Nothing else, no other suggestions. So we left and we had her go shower and take some tylenol. Then she left for her honors thing in Waikiki. We talked a bunch, texting, while she was there that was nice I guess. She was getting a little loopy though hah. Actually a lot loopy. We finally ate dinner after a while, and Steph and Sara left to go to Hip Hop Club, which they skipped, so they came back and Steph and I took our econ quizzes which we did pretty well on. Then we sat and watched TV for a bit, and we went to So You Think You Can Sing? at like 9:30. We stayed for a while, watched Rachel try to play chubby bunny, heard a few good singers then Sara had to pee. So she left and I thought we were leaving for good so I followed her out, ends up we walked around and talked for a bit. I explained to her my situation at home and here. She figured out she was kind of a beezy to me and I guess I kind of forgive her, we'll see how things go eh? So we met back up with DJ and Steph and apparently Emily got home so Steph and Sara went to get her out of bed. We went to our Hale and talked for a while, then we got out Fracture and started watching it. DJ ditched out after a while because he was exhausted, by the end of the movie everyone else was falling asleep on everyone else lol I just sat and watched, amused. Everyone went to bed.

Man, feelings section. So Sara. Uh, I dunno. I forgive her, but not completely yet. She did kind of gyp me again when I told her all these things and I got nothing from it. She seems to understand me better now though, maybe she realizes my life was a little bit more difficult than I seem to let on. I think I just ruined my friendship or potential friendship with Emika. She hardly talks to me, we didn't even see each other all day except at breakfast I think. Makes me sad, I feel like I sacrificed what her and I had for what I wanted with Emily, which would suck if it were true. Emily, she follows the footsteps of the others. She always takes me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I think today things started out a bit mediocre, then progressed to good when she asked me to work out with her, then stayed good even after she got stung, maybe got better I feel like we bonded a little, that may not be the right word to use I suppose, but that's all i got at 2:30 in the morning, Talking to her as she was on her way there was good, good, when she got there I said something or I dunno, but things went down a notch. Then when she was done eating dinner, things were still down a notch, but still good. She got back and right away DJ and her go at it. Pretty ridiculous, I feel like I had just lost everything that felt good today. It just infuriates me how much he denies it, and she denies it, but they both play the game. I was a bit pissed after DJ left, but again somehow I feel like by the end of the night I still ended up going back to my neutral feeling about her, neutral being normal, being I still liked her at the end of the night. I dunno what to say, I should have learned my lesson? I shouldn't be putting myself in this situation? I shouldn't be setting myself up for failure? Well things will turn out however they turn out I suppose...

Whitney. I don't even know what to do. How should I handle this? I don't even know what went down with her and her parents after our super long chat during psychology. She hasn't said a word to me, she hasn't even tried to hold any sort of deep or serious conversation with me. I'm scared. I feel like I failed her yet again. I feel like I failed everyone again to be honest. Why are these situations so difficult to handle? I don't know if I can do it, I sure as heck don't know how I'm going to do it. Why can't there be someone for me to talk to about everything, every single little thing. I wish there was someone who could relate to both my worlds right now, that would be so helpful. Even just to talk to them and for them to understand where I'm coming from, no response would be needed, I just need that one person to be able to see what I'm feeling, whether I'm showing it, whether it's about home or here.

Some funny stories came back to me today... Our core 6 was getting our TB shots and as we were waiting in the health center the lady comes by and picks out 8 at a time to go in to get their shots. As we're in the hole, we hear her go "You, you, you, you.... NOT YOU, you have STDS!" We burst out laughing! I dunno, funny story, good way to end a long, sad, blog.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 19

A weird day. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy.

I woke up kind of late probably 9 or 10 or something. Steph and I went to breakfast and then to the marketing lesson from 11-Noon. Went to class for a while. I got out and wanted to eat lunch at like 1:30. Emika ended up already eating dang. Emily and DJ were there, but they left pretty much as I got there. Steph finally got out of class and we ate. Afterwards we checked our mail, she got some of her books. Then we walked back and she had to do her essay, but she didn't want to walk over to my dorm so we just separated. After that I kind of just spent a few hours in my room... Doing nothing. I really need to find new friends, I don't really know how. I'm bad at meeting new people. I wish that I could have friends that could keep up with me, or at least enough to rotate them in and out or something... I decided I didn't want to go to Pounder's with Pono and crew but then I got locked out of my room while going to the bathroom and had to go to the RA's office. I ended up being convinced to go, it ended up being pretty fun I guess. We came back, showered, dinner time, dodgeball time. Dodgeball was pretty great, the people that I played/the referees were pissy though. Whatever, we did good. After I got those 2 dudes stupid shoes, that was pretty ridiculous, funny though I guess. We never would have won had it not been for them, although that Chantelle girl got every last kill. It was great. After that DJ texted me asking where I was at because he was coming down to watch. I met him on the way back to our dorms, then Em called asking about working out. Turns out Sara wanted to come too, and we were going to Foodland... great. I guess we were getting something for DJ's big 18th birthday. They came to our Oreo hale party after I convinced Em by bringing down sweats for her since she was afraid of what people would think of her I guess. Sara wasn't too worried about it. I totally forgot that Emily couldn't eat chocolate though... crap. While we were there I owned Jorrie with her Oreo. Hah. After a while we left, we didn't even run. We bought DJ this cake, I came up with the great idea of having Emily lei him. It was a great idea, oh well. We walked back and she called him a couple times. I guess this kind of irritated me. She talks to him in this flirty little seductive voice as a joke I guess. Sara would know what I'm talking about, and all their stupid texts. She doesn't like him she says, he doesn't like her he says. I really don't know what to think. More about this rant later, gotta finish the recount of the day. We got to the Aloha center and Steph met us there. DJ came a few moments later and they started singing happy birthday, Sara said my name instead of his. Hilarious. Kodak moment, but videowise. Emily got the bright idea of eating it with our faces rather than our hands. We did that for a while then sat and talked for a while. DJ and Emily were... them. Emily left because she had to go to bed I guess, she wanted to try to go swimming early in the morning again. Sara went with her, pretty good "that's what she said moment" came up. She asked if Em was going to sleep, Em said yea, Sara said ok can I come? Yeah she got owned, as always. They left, Steph, DJ, and I sat for a while. DJ started messing with Steph and after a while I left. I came up to my room. Unit neighbor and his friend were fixing some engine part in the lounge and it stank. I came in and Marco and friend were talking. I've been here since... like 11. I dunno. Just bored. I hate this feeling.

So the weird feelings during the day. Emily and I texting felt so awkward and it ended up going down the same path twice. Basically I feel gyped. I told Emily how I felt about her and now I'm left with just that. I don't know for a fact how Emika feels, how DJ feels, or especially how she feels. She doesn't seem to understand that because she says she knows less than me. She said she didn't know where I stood, even though I already told her. I hate this so much. I wish I just liked Emika, she's cute, smart, personality is good, fun, why don't I just like her? What's the difference between her and Emily? One of them likes me and the other doesn't (is unsure? I don't know) Why do I always have to make my life so difficult? Whitney and I are just drifting further and further apart. I can't handle being so alone in my life. I honestly have no one right now. No one that has that mutual trust anymore. I can't talk to Whitney about anything serious or that could be the tipping point to a precarious situation back at home, I can't talk to Helen she has problems of her own and she can't really relate, I can't talk to Emily, Emily, or Emily. All conflicts of interest. How great right? I like 3 Emily's pretty much in a row. I hate how she can just so blatantly flirt and play along with DJ but when she asked DJ if he was serious or whatever that one night that him and Potter were at it, she didn't get an answer and it made her... I dunno, made her something. Well I'm being serious with her right now and I ask her serious questions and I don't get anything back. I'm a horrible person having all these intense feelings of jealousy, especially for some girl, some girl I haven't yet known for a month, some girl that is named Emily, some girl I don't understand.

I wrote a letter to Whitney today. I guess I should mail her and Helen's letters soon. It pretty much was a general letter... About her parents, about me, about her. I dunno... I just feel so lost, with everyone in my life. I don't understand what's going on in anyone's mind. So much is happening here, so much is happening there. I didn't get any new chances or opportunities like people say college is. I'm stuck, stuck much worse than Helen thinks she is. Even though she stayed in Bothell, everyone left her. She has a new chance to make friends in college still. I just screwed myself over, everyone started their friendships and branched out except for me. Even stupid Jonny. Even shy girl Emika. Even school-aholic Emily. Even home-school DJ. I'm the socially awkward and ignorant one. I had a whole chance to reinvent myself and make a new name for myself. I didn't. I ruined it. I lost my chance. I feel like I should save my losses, pack up, go home. Go to college somewhere else. I'm not even happy here. I need something to distract me, something that's always there, something... anything.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 18

Another sloppy day. Wednesday. 6 classes. Slop + 6 classes = Death

How did this morning start? Pretty well actually I think. Breakfast, Emika and Emily were there I think. I sacked my lunch ready for the day. Nothing went on in marketing. I rushed to finish my Book of Mormon homework after that. Went to self-defense, again nothing interesting except I was sore from working out with Em from last night. Book of Mormon, I beat Emika there! She was acting kind of weird, I swear she looked like she was about to cry a few times. She keeps telling me nothing's up though. It's pretty ridiculous how many girls like this I get to become good friends with huh? I need to take some real psychology classes so I can figure them out. After Book of Mormon rush to Astronomy since I always get lost. Shoot! Forgot to staple my homework, a few of us go on a stapler hunting adventure but we see the teacher coming so I rush back and yell at someone to give me a stapler, luckily there were a few smart people! Other than that, boring lesson. Microeconomics! Also... boring. Class over for a while, time to rush to do my psychology homework! I go do it at Steph's dorm but she leaves for her adviser meeting after a while. So I go to class at 3:40... Normal stuff. Sara was being pretty decent today, likeable again. I figured maybe her outburst had been some fluke. Class went well, we had break time, I wandered around for a while. Then went to the Seasider and saw Sara there. She was wondering whether or not to get the papaya with cottage cheese. She ends up getting it, and somehow she convinces me to get ice cream, so I get the huge honking cone for 5.30 and bring it back to class to eat. That was fun for a while. But then it got way boring and I fell asleep lol

All during this class. Whitney and I are having a huge conversation. Honestly I just want to post our chat right here again. It's so ridiculous. Her parents suck. I hate them. They hate me. So much to say, so sick of saying it. So I'm not gonna say it all. I guess now she's having second-thoughts. Now she WANTS to disobey her parents. Great. Now where do I go from here? I feel so stuck. Who do I talk to about this problem? Her? No. Helen? No. Emily? No. Emily? No. Emily? No. Morgan? No. Jake? Possibly. I haven't brought up problems I've had with either of the Emily's from home for a really really long time... I miss them. Ugh. So sick of this. I feel guilty either way in many ways. Whitney. She now wants to get back together. What can we have? We already broke it off, it's different to keep together a long distance relationship, but to restart one... Emika? I feel like I just ruined her. I just piled onto her mountain of problems, I feel like I was one of the few things she looked forward to daily and now I dropped the ball on that. Emily? Oh man. I hate liking girls. Especially girls that are sophisticated and can play the wit game with me. Should have gone to a guys only college.

Basically I'm screwed. And I've screwed everyone. I appease Whitney and we can call each other boyfriend and girlfriend from 3,000 miles away so then her parents let all hell break loose. They'll lock her down, take away her phone again, car, computer, friends, a life. That's not fair, I can't live with myself knowing that I'm here free and because of me a girl is being held prisoner. I deny her, Whitney goes into a crazy state of depression... She's a strong girl, she's been through so much, but she can't really handle all of it on her own. She really needs someone to step up to the plate to be there by her side no matter what. No one has seemed to be able to do that for her, great. I love her so much, I want what's best for her. I can't decide what that is, everything is so stupid right now. Her parents are causing it all. Her parents need to learn a lesson. I don't know how else to teach them than what's been going on for the whole time. They are the biggest hypocrites I've ever encountered in my life, and I've met many people in my short life.

Class ends and it gets all foggy. Sara wants to eat dinner right away. I don't really. DJ is already there. I call Steph, she's busy with something, homework. I call Emika she is walking back. I call Emily, she doesn't answer. Emika and I meet up and we're gonna go eat, she says she was gonna wait for Emily so we do. We go back to our dorms and drop off our stuff. We wander around for a while, I get her to come to dodgeball with me. I still don't get to play. Stupid referees. Sara does some things to annoy me. Emika and I sit for a while. Emika and I decide to go to dinner, she has me call Emily and she actually answers. She's on the other line, important phone call back home, she sounded really... frantic, exasperated, etc. So Emika and I end up going and Steph and Emily both show up. We finish and meet up with Sara and DJ. They decide to go on a walk, I had to go back and put the psych book she finally gave me back to my room. I also had to get a towel since I was working out with Em in the gym after. By the time I had gotten out they were way gone, change of plans they were going to Taco Bell to find Jonny instead of the beach. Then we wandered around Foodland a bit. Emily, DJ and I decide to go to the gym. I didn't even know DJ was coming, eh oh well. I guess I would just talk to Emily later or something. DJ talked the whole time again, we got the gym. DJ had to go back and get clothes/towel. Em and I warmed up on the treadmills, waited for him then just went ahead to the gym. We got tired of the gym real quick so we went back to the ellipticals for DJ. After I ran a mile Em and I did ab workouts. Then we got kicked out because the place closed, so we were going to drop her off at her dorm so she could sleep or do homework or something. They end up sitting on the ground talking so I go lay on the bench, feeling... weird. Not awkward, but out of place. I dunno. I lay there for nearly an hour, bored to tears. It was a nice view of the moon and clouds though... And laying there listening to a bunch of girls next to you talk is kind of interesting actually. The door alarms go off and I snap to attention and my contacts fall out. Great ha. So I fix them and come back out and everything is the same. Finally Em decided to go to bed, I definitely felt gyped and jealous. I feel a bit ashamed that I felt that way, guess I can't help my feelings though. C'est la vie... Not sure how much DJ knows what he's doing. Oh well... Whatever is supposed to happen will happen eh?

Emika. She's a great girl, I like being close to her. I feel like I was appreciated, wanted, and needed in her life. Until things got messy, and the conversation came up about who I would date. Pretty sure I ruined that. I told her I liked Emily, just straight up. I mean I told her I didn't know who I would date, but it would be between the two of them, but after that... It just wasn't the same. I know she feels intimidated and wants to back off now. I felt like I was breaking through and becoming a closer friend with her so that maybe she would be able to talk to me, that's gone now.

Emily. What can I say? I like this girl. I hate that I do. It makes things awkward for... everyone. I just don't understand. I feel jealous when DJ and her spend time together, which I have no right to feel. I like spending time with her, but even doing that makes it hard on her. She is so shifty... I honestly can't tell if she likes me or what her feelings are at all. She's almost as bad as Emika. It feels kind of unfair that I poured out my soul for her and I got a few stories in return. I have this underlying feeling that I'm getting played. But then small things point to her liking me. So ridiculous.

Helen. Geez. I miss her so much. I really could tell this girl pretty much anything. And she would listen, which was what I really wanted. Her opinions sometimes didn't flow with mine, but that's good. She made me realize a lot of things, I think she feels super bad too... I guess she still likes me... And she feels guilty for missing me too much because only Whitney should be allowed to have those feelings for me I guess.

DJ. This kid is great, but he's pretty much just as bad as Emika and Emily. He doesn't mean what he says, he doesn't know what he means, he doesn't know himself as well as he thinks I think. He says many things which I don't think he realizes that he ends up swallowing back down right quickly, not just the jokes either. I mean the serious stuff. There's no way he doesn't like Emily, I'm not sure what his game is... But I guess it's gotta come out sooner or later, that'll be interesting to see.

Sara. What's wrong with this girl? She was one of my favorites at the beginning. Right now I feel like she's being a bipolar, boy crazy, beezy. At least to me. She's happy and cheery in class. She gets all pissy after class. She loves Jonny, she wants him. Them and their sex ed lessons? I dunno... I really don't, which is weird since I like to know everything huh? I'm just sick of the way she acts towards me, she ignores half my texts, she replies to the other half hours and hours after they would be relevant, sure her phone is broken NOW. She takes hours to get out of her room then gets pissed at me for taking 5? I don't know, she better being going through PMS or something or I'm really really gonna start hating this girl. Even though I know it can't be PMS since that was nearly 3 weeks ago.

Morgan. Ugh. She's one of my best friends. But I don't understand her. In any way whatsoever. She finds the perfect guys. And somehow... it ends up in the garbage. She ends up getting in messed up relationships quicker than I. So ridiculous. Just the way she thinks sometimes, don't get me wrong, I really like her... but geez.

Jake. He's one of the greatest guys I've ever met in my life. I think his feelings can cloud his judgment a bit though... or the ability to take advice from people. He was probably my best friend before I ended up leaving, which happened purely by chance like 3 weeks before I left. This guy deserves nothing but the best, and he's received all but that. Life just isn't fair sometimes...

Jonny. Probably one of the worst guys I've ever met in my life. Everyday he lives a lie. From what I hear, his lie would never be doing what he's doing. I also hear his lie is pretty amazing and he really doesn't even deserve her. He's a fun guy, but he's too girl crazy. He gets on my nerves a bit but he's definitely a good friend to hang out with, if you ever get the chance. Sometimes it's hard to find him unless you have some dumb blonde as bait.

Champ. What can I say about myself? I'm the most ridiculous person on this Earth. I am the most unreasonable person ever born. I am the biggest enigma ever created. I live on these emotions and feelings. They give me a purpose in live, that purpose is to ponder. Ponder every outcome, from every choice, from every reaction, to every consequence, to everything else down the line. Then I get to pick, pick how to change my world. I feel like all powerful being. I feel separate, I feel set apart, I feel... special. Why? I can't be. I can't be 1 in 6billion+ There has to be someone, somewhere out there, that's exactly the same as me. I want to find that person one day, we're going to be best friends. We're going to solve all of the worlds mysteries together. Why girls can take an hour to change shoes? Why do girls feel like they can play with guys and not hurt them? Why do girls have to make everything so complicated? I'm going to find out the answers to these questions, I'll die sooner or later anyways. I'm not afraid to meet my maker, I know that somehow all of this is going to be fixed, I have faith.

Day 17

A good day I would say. Was supposed to go running with Em in the morning but that fell through because we both slept in. And then... I fell asleep all the way till like 10:30 or later. Missed breakfast again, dang. I realized... HOLY CRAP! Devotional is an half an hour! Which means... my devotion extra credit is also due! Shootttt! I did it way quick, then Em was texting me wondering where I was at, I went out in my sleepy clothes and the 5 of us (Sara, Steph, Emika, Emily, and I) went to the devotional, they waited for me. How nice. Hah.

It was a pretty good devotional, we ended up walking in when they were doing opening song. I was kind of texting a bunch of people and Emika got mad at me and told me to put my phone away hah. So after the devotional they gave out this really cool commemorative coin! I think I want to send it back home to Whit, I should write her a letter back. So it was class time. I was debating on whether or not I should go back to my dorm, I really wanted my computer so I went and got it. Statistics is way boring, even if we get off way early everyday. The whole class I was texting and msning everyone haha. Helen and Whit on MSN. Jake, Morgan, others on text. I didn't hear a single word he said! Well, I did, which is weird I guess.

After class I rush over to lunch cause I am not going to miss another meal! Steph and Sara were already there and I ate with them and DJ. I don't even really remember what we did afterwards. Steph and I took our economics quiz, I did kind of poorly, like B+ she got like A+. Jerk. I took a shower while she was taking hers lol We chilled for a while, I went to put my calculator away and then we went to her dorm so she could put her stuff away. OH! After lunch we checked our mail, my stupid clicker and marketing book finally came in. Anyways I think we were out of ideas what to do, Sara and Em were at the closing movie sale, I guess they went without telling us. So Steph really wanted to go, I didn't, but I didn't have anything better to do. So I went, we ended up talking a bunch, dunno what about really, her life back at home. Her friend and how stupid she was or something. So we passed Foodland. Haha stupid. We ended up buying Death Race, and Haunting in Connecticut. Hopefully they'll be good movies, on the way back we were wondering what we should do. I suggested bowling, DJ texted me that exact moment saying the same thing. It was destiny, too bad it didn't happen. So we walk back and find Sara at the Aloha center. We chilled there for a while, DJ came, Emika came. DJ and I went to go check the badminton schedule after getting way bored. I stole Marco's cards and when we got back we played 2 rounds of scum. Em finished class, we went to eat. I sat by myself. Hah. Well apart.

Sara left for dodgeball early, DJ and I went afterwards. Steph, Em, and Emika didn't. We showed up to the gym and it wasn't my wards night to go :( Super gay! It ends up my ward goes today. So I went to Aikido, unfortunately, the mats being used by dodgeball were the aikido mats. So we ended up cleaning the old ones, they were super gross and super moldy. After they were clean I went to watch DJ play. After that we kind of seperated, I had to do homework and so did he. But he was stupid and left to go to open mic night instead, later on he found out he had missed his math exam. Oops.15% of his grade. I walk into my room, seeing Marco's laptop glow I yelled his name loudly as I normally do. He was laying in a weird position, on his chair with his head leaned back on his bed. So I went over to talk to him, he must have been exhausted from homework or something. I realize as I got closer, he was asleep! I got out my phone ready to record him, memory was full! Shoot! I tried to delete a video but as I clicked on it, it played and made a loud sound. I was sure I had woken him. I was right, but it took 5 seconds. But he sat straight up, and opened his eyes, saw me sitting on my bedside in front of him, he screamed. Really loudly, bloodcurdling. I laughed so hard. It was ridiculous. We both did. After a bit of hanging out in the room, I went to get his cards that I had given to Steph and the psych book from Sara finally. She had finally finished with it. I get home and him and I listen to some metal on his computer and we start headbanging and thrashing. It was way funny, he played his little air guitar and sang on his mic. Hah. After a while I texted Emily asking if it was running time yet, and it almost was. I leave my room and this is when I found out DJ was stupid and forgot about his math test on my way out. I went into her lounge to wait for her and chatted with McCall for a while. She texted me asking where I was and I told her, she had passed me without even noticing. Geez. She didn't bring her little backpack :( Dang. So I hid my stuff in the hallway bricks. We do her little warm-up walking and talk about her day and stuff. We get to the parking lot and it's running time. She's hardcore man. So many sit-ups. It was fun though! I taught her how to run (fast), some new ab exercises, and some new plank positions. We ran a lot, did lots of sit-ups, a few push-ups, and talked a bit. It was nice. I guess she had forgot to invite Sara... I didn't realize at the time. So as we're winding down with our planks we talk about Emika... Hah irony will hit later on tonight. We walk back tired, hot, sweaty, but otherwise well off. I tell her good night and she leaves, but I see McCall still there. So I go back to the lounge and chat with her a bit more. Out of nowhere pops up Sara, "Champ?!" Hah great. She tries to use the vending machine and asks me for change, I'm stupid and I tell her I don't have any but then I keep on talking. I ask her why she didn't go running with us. I guess she didn't know I had went with Emily, and I didn't realize Emily had forgotten to invite her. Shoot. At least I made it seem like I was already going because she had told me about it in advance. I kind of screwed Emily over on that one. So Sara leaves and I chat with McCall a bit longer and I eventually leave her to continue her long and tedious calculus homework.

I retrieve my phone, WOAH! 11:11. I text Whitney, and then Emily telling her about what had just went down with Sara. We ended up getting into a semi-discussion. She feels she always causes trouble, and stuff. I felt super bad, somehow I end up confessing I still liked her. She started being a bit avoidy, but we ended up beating around the bush a bit more. I told her things didn't have to change between us two, but then she said a curious thing. She said she felt things were going to change even if we didn't. We got into another big discussion, I asked her what she felt like was going to happen so we could just avoid it. She pretty much said not to be hasty, change was a good thing, etc. Now I'm confused hah. Her subject changing is so ridiculous, she doesn't even try to hide it. Right now, I feel like maybe she does like me too. But she doesn't want to admit it to herself, maybe I should just ask her? Not like I would get a straight-up answer anyways. Anyways I guilt-trip her for a while, she goes to bed.

Emika messages me. Oh boy... Irony hits here. We talk for a while, why she's sad. Homesickness :( Missing her friends. Her best friend. I felt way bad and wanted to be her friend and she started getting a little awkward. Basically, the part that I want to talk about is... She wants to ask me a question, then chickens out and says she's going to bed. So I have to drag it out of her, she asks me which girl in the group I would want to go out with. Oh noooooo. I saw it coming. I still wanted her to ask it. I'm so stupid sometimes, I guess I just like things being out in the open. we argueish for a bit, finally I tell her. It's a toss-up. Between her and Em. Because it really is, she likes me, I like Em. So those would obviously be the top 2 choices. She starts being way downer, saying it was Emily. It had to be her. I felt so horrible... Emika's a way nice girl, there's no reason for me to not like her. I would go out on dates with her, she's nice. I wish she would believe me. She also never confessed to liking me, she just asked me who told me she did. And I said I figured from what she was saying now, and how she always acts towards me. She played stupid I know it. She asked how she acted. For virgin lips she gets super aggressive! She totally lays her head on my shoulder every time we're on a couch together, it's way cute honestly. I think I like it because it reminds me of home, where I'm close to most of my friends like that. But I definitely feel like that isn't in her normal comfort zone and she does it because she felt like I didn't like any girl there. And for a while I guess I didn't show it because I was pissed off. Yeah that's pretty much it...

Marco and I had a pillow fight. Pretty hilarious. He sent me the pictures of us from Sunday, our matching outfits. I realized the picture reminded me of something, I realized that him and I looked like missionaries.

I would say today was a good day. Small things still happened, but honestly... I didn't really get agitated. I feel a lot better now, I have a more clear conscience now? I dunno that's not that right word, I feel... free. I feel like I finally can act the way I really am, I found someone I can trust. Marco and I have a great roommate relationship. Emika and I will work it out. Emily and I will work it out. Whatever Sara does doesn't matter to me. Jonny still does stupid things, but he does it around other people more now. DJ is getting better, maybe it's me that isn't annoyed by what he does anymore. Steph is still my mom. Helen is my best friend. Whit isn't my girlfriend, but still my best friend. Jake is doing well, Savannah and him are friends again? Morgan is still Morgan, but she doesn't know any better I suppose. I miss my friends, but life is beginning to get normal for me. It's starting to feel like home. The tangled webs that I love to navigate are ready and waiting. I'm excited.

C'est ma vie,
~Champ

Day 16 aka 6 months and 6 days

What a mess today was. Somehow it all ended up ok though, I guess I really really shouldn't even think about worrying about anything. Where to start... I guess from the beginning as usual huh?

Woke up fairly early. 6:30? I wanted to eat a real breakfast instead of sacking it and my lunch. I was pretty ticked at everyone so I just went to breakfast expecting to eat with myself. I saw Anthony and so we ate together. Guess who else I see? Ems. Hah perfect? I know right? So we all ate together and Sara was there too. We all kind of just ate I guess and I left for class after Anthony. It was a pretty good day in marketing, turns out I didn't need Steph's clicker after all again. Our first quiz was nice, Did you order the book? Did you order the clicker? Etc. After that I went to our dorm and chilled in DJ's room for a bit I guess. All this is super cloudy... More so than normal, I guess a lot happened today though. So I'm just a bit anxious for that part?

Chilled for a while, went to self-defense a bit early to talk to Coach K about letting me bring my own PE uniform. Coach K is a pretty great guy, he has family from Washington. I definitely really want to take some more PE classes after this semester even if just for fun! Self-defense was pretty boring. Same old stuff, I guess it's an ok class though. The girls in it are pretty ditzy and the guys are kind of cocky, oh well.

Next? Book of Mormon! I didn't do so well in there hah... 6/10 on the daily quiz this time, funny thing cause I actually read the chapters this time. Emika's pretty sweet, she always gets me a yellow sheet. And I always forget to get one for myself, it works out pretty nicely. She's a pretty swell girl :) Too bad I'm sure she likes me now... Hah I dunno what to do... Stuck in an awkward position again. She looked like she was about to cry a few times though so I asked her what was up and she wouldn't tell me again. After class she texted me asking if I was mad at her... Oh my, I hope I don't give off the air of anger when I ask people what's wrong.

Well mad rush to Astronomy cause I always get lost there! I get there earlyish! Only to find out... class has been canceled because the teacher is sick! Man I wasted my time doing all that homework last night :( Oh well it was nice, I came home and then the fireworks started.

Whitney messaged me on MSN. Explained a few things. I felt like I was gonna do some major blogging about this because I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I guess I was taken care of... Funny how things work out, I'll still talk about it, in a condensed version I guess.

Basically I found out she had her phone taken away, then after a while her car, and stuff, and she hadn't gone to school that day. Her parents were on her case about me again. I don't even know where to start, I feel like I should just post this stupid MSN chat or something. Nah. Well we broke up. Why? Her parents felt we were getting too serious. That we were getting too close. Hah. An ocean apart puts us very close to each other. Her parents piss me off so much. It's ridiculous how hypocritical they are. Well this happened and I was ok with it, I encouraged her, I supported her, and honestly thought maybe it would be better off for both her and I. There was no point in continuing a relationship that only had negatives and no positives. So I went to Microeconomics alright, feeling pretty good even. I came back... and things went pretty downhill. We started talking more and she tried to explain her parents. I just felt so pissed. They couldn't talk to me themselves even though they thought communication was important, they didn't like her relaying their messages because of miscommunication and stuff. Yet they had her do it. They didn't like non face-to-face interaction, yet they had her break up with me over MSN. I guess sure it wasn't their choice to do it online, but taking away her phone and stuff she didn't have much choice so really they forced her to. They always tell her things are her choice, she can decide for herself and they can just tell her what they want. But really? What kind of choice is it on her part. They don't like how I treat her? Great they just see what they want, ignore what they don't want to see. They read all our texts, all our messages, we have no privacy. They say they trust her, me, us. They said the way our relationship was, was perfect. That was what they wanted for her. Yeah right. They think I disrespect them? Well obviously I had great amounts of respect for them. At the start, then they started pulling crap like this, not respecting me. What can they expect in return? Whitney always agreed with me when I said stuff like this I guess, but today she was kind of defending her parents. Which felt weird so we kind of dropped it, but I dunno. I feel like they tricked her, they brainwashed her or something, whatever. It doesn't matter anymore eh? I hate her parents, they hate me, I still love Whitney, hopefully she still loves me, right now I don't understand her but what can ya do?

While all this is happening. Helen is talking to me, about her problems. With Lily, with life, with parents. I feel like I didn't give Helen enough attention, especially after telling her I wanted to talk with her and her finally taking me up on my offer. I feel super guilty that she caught me right at the worst possible moment. Helen is a dear, she deserves the best, I wish I could help her more. If she were reading this she would probably tell me I do more than enough, etc. She's just that nice... I feel so lucky to have such amazing people in my life.

So after all this. I feel super, super lonely. Text the girls asking if I can come over because I felt lonely, Steph didn't even acknowledge that I said I was lonely, which was a weird thing. Oh well, I went over there sat behind them as they were laid out on the grass watching Saras latop. (Sara, Steph, Emily) I kind of scrunched up and fell half asleep, Emily was the only one who noticed something was up, well she was the only one who said anything. Ironically, DJ was the only other person to say anything too. After a while I was hungry, so I left for dinner at 7. I half expected people to come with me, no one did. So I went to put my laptop back in my room. I went to the cafeteria, I saw them all there quite surprised. I was thinking I was going to eat dinner alone, even though I saw Jonny already in there. It was a pretty quiet dinner, a few glances here and there again.

Emily and Sara left. Emika, DJ, and I left together. DJ and I got distracted by Jonny and some longboards, Emika left silently. I walked to the girl's dorms by myself looking for Emika, she had already returned to her room. I went to the laundry area and saw Emily, Sara, and Steph. They were all finishing up. They all left, Emily and I had a short exchange of words and I guess she kind of got through to me. I felt super bad at that moment, she caught me at my moment of weakness, I nearly teared up in front of her. And she did the Emily thing... She hugged me right when it was the most right moment, even after asking if it would be awkward if she hugged me. It felt great... I hadn't even really been hugged since the airport I don't think. Even if I had, this was really what I needed I guess. Just someone to show that they cared. Just like when Emily and I had that fight back at home, that went down at school, and at the end she just hugged me. Out of the blue, just cause, it meant a lot. I guess I forgot to mention a couple of texts. Earlier today I had tried to apologize for the way I had been treating her. But she mistook it for something else so I just left it at that for the time being. She was going to walk around the front of the Hale with me but I told her it was fine and that she could walk through the halls, we ended up passing each other by the front entrance. A bit awkward... hah. I waited in the lounge with Sara and Steph.

Hah this is where it gets good. Sara was looking at pictures of House and calling him hot, etc. Steph was like... Uh. No. I was was like what about George Clooney then Steph?! She said that, that was different ha. She rather have Megan Fox though :) Hah... Microeconomics class is great. True Religion jeans like mold to your body, apparently. So we started looking up older women that were hot or whatever. Jennifer Anniston, Mariah Carey, finally Madonna. She spells it wrong, I tell her. She gets so angry. She flips a beezy on me. Last straw I guess? Who knows. She's crazy. Funny thing, I didn't even care about her. I just cared that she was being a dick to me when I was already feeling like crap. I tried to argue once, that DJ did the same thing but he was ok? She said yeah, so I just left it at that. Didn't feel like playing her stupid game. It was a bit awkward sitting next to her after that, luckily Emily called me over after a while and showed me some pictures with her long hair so I stayed over on that side of the Hale 3 lounge. Sat between Emika and Emily. Hm. Yeah. Lol. So Emily's ward has FHE apparently, and it's in the lounge so she goes to it. Emika went to hers at 8:30. Steph got her devotional notes for me and we left for ours at 9. Ours ended up being pretty sweet. I thought it was going to be lame to be honest. Cross country themed. We ended up doing plank competition, obstacle course (sort of), I dunno. It was pretty good. Looking back, I dunno why. Afterwards Steph and I are supposed to hang out, and we sort of do. But she has to finish some quizzes for her accounting class. So she does that, while Emily and I text a bit... And Emily wants to talk. Weird, this isn't like the Emily back at home, well not until things get way out of hand. Hah... I kind of ditch Steph, I feel bad :( I should make it up to her somehow. I meet up with Emily and she calls me about her devotional book, I had left it with her, oops. I needed it to do my Book of Mormon homework, luckily she's great and called DJ to get it, and DJ ended up getting it on my desk, nice! :)

Emily and I walked. In silence at first. Then we started walking and talking. Then it ended up being just talking. It was pretty great... It was nice to let stuff out, that was pent up. Stuff about her, stuff about Sara, DJ, Steph, etc. Just to let it out, to someone who knew what I was talking about. Then to talk to about stuff at home. 2 hour talk, it was pretty great. From a little before 11PM to a little before 1AM. I feel like things are a lot better now. In my life, home, here. I dunno. I guess it feels a lot better know at least I have one friend here, one that I can consider to be like friends at home. I'm pretty strung out still I suppose. That's life though, college life. I guess someway somehow, no matter what. There's always going to be something going on to stress about. I'll just have to manage it as well as a normal life. We'll see how that works out eh?

C'est ma vie
~Champ

Day 15

A Sunday. Overall an okay day. I woke up incredibly late for some reason. I don't think I even went to bed very late, maybe 1? I mean it was pretty much right after I blogged. Marco and I both got up around 11AM or so. So much for cleaning up our room every Sunday... hah.

DJ and Jonny came up to our room pretty much right afterwards to see if we wanted to eat with them. I was still in my bed lol So DJ just stole all of Marco's movies and then they went to lunch without us. Marco and I showered and got dressed and went to lunch about 12:30ish. This was the first time we've actually went to eat together, weird eh? We dressed up to match! It was pretty sweet, he took a picture. I have to get it from him tomorrow but I might post it up, it's pretty great. He got 2 matching American flag ties from the swap meet from the circle island tour we went on. We got so many comments about our ties. Actually, I got all the comments haha. He was getting mad because everyone kept telling me I had a nice tie when he was standing next to me wearing the same thing, I told him it was because I look prettier in it! He always gets on my case about how I dress so nicely and how all his girl friends talk about me so I guess I play along with him.

After lunch we went to church, and we actually got there early! I got a chance to hear Marco play 2 songs on the piano, he's pretty decent. Then we got asked to bless/pass the sacrament from Songh, our unit neighbor who prepared the sacrament. Marco immediately refused, but I asked Songh what he wanted because they were speaking in Chinese. I made Marco go, but he wouldn't bless so he went to pass. I got to bless the water again, reminds me of home :) I was really sniffly though so I probably didn't say it half as well as I do at home. Also there's no microphone since we're in the McKay auditorium, it feels a whole lot less reverant when I bless. Maybe it isn't for people who are just listening though, I dunno. My first time blessing in Hawaii! Only took them 3 weeks to get to me hah.

After sacrament meeting we stayed in the auditorium instead of going to the small theater like we usually do for Sunday school. Instead we had a talk from Bishop Gold about honor code, church, etc. He talked about dressing and grooming standards. He talked about how risky it was to be outside and a girl and immodest... He's a pretty cool guy. He's kind of weird though, and a bit awkward. He talked about why he was in Hawaii, only because of the students and the spirit he felt present. If any of these were gone he would be out of here in a heartbeat because of all the negatives such as bad public schools for his children, high mortages, etc. It felt so weird listening to that. Oh well. Lauren gave a talk during sacrament meeting. She's a pretty good talker and a pretty cool girl. Too bad all the girls here aren't like her, some of them are so stupid... I swear. It's quite ridiculous.

After Sunday school (sort of) we split off into Relief Society and Elders Quorum. Nothing too important here. Some talk from and Elder, I don't really remember. We got our home teaching assignments! Which reminds me... I forgot to call my potential home teachees. Oops! Well I got Chris, our unit neighbor, and Marco. Hah easy access and quick teaching I guess.

So Stephanie told me she was going to the fireside. It was six thirty and after texting her she finally replied saying she wasn't going to dinner. DJ told me he had already ate. So I went at 6:45 only to find out the stupid cafeteria closes at 6:30 on Sundays. So I call up DJ and tell him and that I'm going to make some cup noodles and wait for him in our dorm since he was at Hale 3. He says ok cool, that's good. So I make my noodles and wait at our dorms till 7:10 and then I leave because I thought the fireside started at 7 and I was tired of waiting for DJ. So he called me when I was there and asked where I was, I told him and he said it didn't start till 7:30 so I walked to the girls dorms and waited for all of them there. DJ got there, Emily got there, then Sara got there at 7:28. We finally left and got there. After it was over I just walked back home and started to do some homework. I realized that tomorrow we were having our first quiz in marketing and I needed a stupid clicker. My stupid marketing book and clicker aren't even here yet. Stupid. So I texted Steph asking if I could borrow hers and where she was. She said yeah sure we're at the corner of Hale 3. I guess they all decided to hang out because everyone was there. Sara heads to bed after I'm there for a few minutes. Emily and I sort of talk for a couple of minutes, more silence than talking. Steph gets back with the clicker, we talk for a couple of minutes and sort of get into a little argument about the night before when I left after they took forever to get ready. After that she left. So I'm sitting on the bench alone 3 girls gone. Ha new record? :) I feel kind of awkward just sitting there so I'm wanting to leave but not really wanting to get up to throw my 2nd cup noodles away. Jonny gets up and says he's bored and wants to go long board somewhere so I get up and said I had to do homework and DJ said the same. Before the fireside I was gonna do the Book of Mormon homework with him but I guess not now. People are always flaky like this to me. Steph and her saying she is going to go to do stuff at places but then not. Emily suggesting we should do something or talk or whatever and not. DJ too now I guess? Oh well. Blah also reminds me... I gotta get the slides from Steph tomorrow, and talk to Coach K about the gym clothes, and give her clicker back, and bring my scriptures for her, and check my mail, and one more thing I'm forgetting. Ugh.

Anyways I get back home and start doing homework and Emika texts me back saying she was feeling down and I ask her what was wrong, but no response. I guess I'll ask her again tomorrow. I sat down super bored. I actually do my homework. All of it. Amazing. I know right? Took me forever, stupid pointless Astronomy took years even though I knew all the answers already. Book of Mormon took forever, recent convert, no bueno.

I talked to Emily today! Kind of weird, first time since she left for Utah I think. EmC that is, I talk to EmD once in a while... Not so much I guess. lol I'm such a bad friend. Lollipop by Mika came on and I immediately thought of her. Lots of mixed emotions, I guess I can finally say I'm over it. I never think about that whole situation anymore, I'm not really reminded of it much anymore (at least not my random irrelevant things anymore, which is nice) and my feelings towards her aren't all bad anymore. Not even half, probably a lot less. I guess time really does heal all wounds eh? Thinking about it now though... that was some pretty raw and powerful pain I felt. I don't think anyone really understood that. Especially not Emily, kind of ironic I'm going through a similar thing with another Emily huh? Story of my life once again, I live irony.

I feel so agitated at everyone. No one is living up to my standards it seems. But can I really blame them? Most of my friends don't pass and I can deal with them just because I have to deal with them less and I can rotate around I guess. Only a few select people pass and those would be my best friends I guess huh? I can't really expect anyone to want to live up to my expectations knowing me for only a short 2 weeks. I don't know why I want so much, I'm so greedy. I know I'm so much better off than so many people I know and I want more. I'm never satisfied. If only I could clearly see what I want maybe I could go for it. Just like my transcript says the most broad interest of major ever, Undeclared, Undecided Arts or Science major, my life is even more undefined than that. Do I want to go on a mission? Do I want to graduate in two years? Do I really want to try dating? When do I want to get married? Do I want to continue school here? So many questions. No answers. I feel like everyone thinks I'm so sure of myself and that when I act unsure I'm just putting on a show and that I have it somewhat figured in my head. I really don't. I guess I've learned my lesson doubting fate and destiny though. I know somehow things are going to work out, just waiting for that to happen is killing me. I die a little everyday it feels like... lol Pretty harsh analogy but I was just reminded of a quote a teacher once told me, "Everytime one of your friends succeeds a small part inside of you dies." I guess that quote is just saying jealousy shines through, even if it's your friend receiving the rewards. Anyways, just rambling now.

C'est ma vie.
~Champ

Day 14

Ok I guess I miscounted the other days, today is the real day 14. Almost to the minute. Well since I posted the other blogs after midnight I guess the days are right... Hah never mind.

I guess today was ok. Emika wouldn't go to sleep hah Waking up for the marketing thing was annoying. Instead of being 8-Noon it ended at 11 which was good. And it didn't really start till like 9 anyways, luck cause Steph takes years to get ready. After arriving way late and getting awesome breakfast I am looking forward to interesting businessy talk. I was quite disappointed and fell asleep for most of it! In the end I just joined my Microeconomics class TAs' group. Mike's group was about soft commodities or something like that lol I got some cool binders and legal pad though! So it was worth it hah Afterwards Steph and I checked our mail... I got 2 letters! 1 from student insurance... yay... Other one... WHITNEY! :) Her letter made me smile and feel so great inside. I love her so much... She's amazing. I also got a senior picture! It's freaking cute and hanging right next to my framed tighty whities!

So we got back and went to our dorms, and DJ was just getting back from surfing. Apparently he had to walk back for 45 minutes with no shoes. Jonny called him to go to Wal-mart with him but I didn't really want to go. I forget what happened with lunch... I feel like I ate it with Ems and the rest but I don't remember really. Actually yes I do, with all of them I ate lunch. Afterwards I think we planned on going to the beach, no cliff jumping like Emily suggested. Oh well. Sara then had to go check-out some movie from the library, Much Ado About Nothing I think. They only could check it out for 2 hours though, so we all had to get changed and whatever before she was going to check out the movie. Yeah so they took like an hour again. We finally started heading to the beach. We didn't really talk much I don't think... well at least I feel like I didn't. I definitely feel really disconnected now. I don't even feel like I like anyone very much. Except DJ I guess, sometimes he gets kind of annoying too. Maybe it's me though, I mean I guess I can't just blame everything on everyone else, there has to be some fault in me somewhere. I guess I just care too much again... Who knows though? Definitely not me.

So we finally get to a good spot, guess who gets in? Emily. Me. Great. I mean yeah it was fun, and that was the first time we've ever been alone I guess? Not like we even ended up talking so that was a bit disappointing, but I'm starting to get used to that feeling here. I know, if I really want to talk to her about something I have a problem with I should start up the conversation, whatever. She should have started up or continued or quit pretending a lot of times already. The ball's in her court now. She wouldn't even bodyboard, but she would let me cliff jump. I'm starting to question her judgment a little bit maybe. That's not good, since her judgment seems to be one of the more sound ones here. Sara's laptop batter died so she and Steph left, they saw Marco and friends at Temple Beach ha. After they left Emika came in! That was fun for a while... then we walked home. Pretty much in silence again. So awkward sounding when I say it now, it seemed fine while it happened except when I thought about how normally we would be chatting it up. When we got to the showers we found this like huge huge slimy thing. It was like a slug, maybe a sea cucumber or something. Emily took a picture of it of course. After we got back to campus we went to our separate dorms.

It was 5:10 when I got home, missed my 2nd counselor's baptism. Yeah... he's not baptized. Long story, I'll tell it later maybe. Emily and Emika told me they would text me when it was dinner time so I just showered and waited in my unit lounge on my computer. DJ got home and we just sat and computered it up. I thought Steph and I and Jeff were going to the luau at Brother Wasden's house but she just didn't reply to me so I assumed she left without saying anything. Emika imed me saying it was dinner time, and Emily texted us both so I figured I would just go to dinner and call it good. Well guess who was there... Steph and Sara. Great! Her phone was on silent cause she was in the library.

So after dinner DJ and Sara left to go to surf club or whatever. I left for badminton. The others I dunno. I played badminton for a while, it was pretty fun. I was drenched in sweat afterwards. I went home and talked to Helen and Whit for a while. Whitney and I talked for a long time and played a lot of solitaire. It was sweet! Then we got to deep talking which I miss having with her, but being so far away is making our talks harder on us. Usually we talk about some pretty emotional stuff as it is, but me knowing I won't be able to hug her, kiss her, hold her, wipe away her tears the next day kills me. It rips me apart inside. And I feel so guilty. She is so loyal to me, I really doubt she's going to date anyone. She makes it sound like it's not possible for her to even have a small crush on anyone else. It makes me feel so bad that I have a crush on a girl, especially with the name of Emily. Even putting that aside, she seems to miss me an infinite amount of times more than I miss her. Don't get me wrong, I miss her tons and tons, but the way she put how she misses me puts me to shame honestly. I wish I was good enough for her, I don't know how to do anything right. I'm such a horrible boyfriend, I should just go crawl in a hole and die. Come to think of it I'm a pretty horrible friend too. How can I expect to get a friend here that I can trust and talk to like my friends back home if I'm being the way I'm being. I'm just repelling everyone from me right now, I dislike everyone. It's not like I can get through college without friends either, life maybe I can work out with no friends, but college I need as many friends as I can get. I need every bit of help that everyone single person I know can give to me.

I feel like people can depend on me back at home after I break down their walls. Here I have nothing to build off of to start taking down walls, and running into them head on doesn't work... as of yet. What's wrong with me? Why am I so needy? I guess I just need to feel needed and important. I can know these things, I know the ingredients and the solution, but somehow I still can't put it together. Stupid Champ.

C'est ma vie.
~Champ

Day 14

So Friday, always a good day. Today was pretty grand.

First off started off falling asleep at like 3ish, got to talk to Whitney! :)

Then came marketing class which we were supposed to have our clickers for because our first quiz was supposed to be on this day... I was stressing a little trying to get Steph up and out of bed to give me her clicker, but when it came time I wasn't even that worried about it. I just talked to him right when he came in and we did a joking type banter thing which turned out well, and he told the whole class that we weren't taking the quiz because of difficulties! Score!

After getting back from class I got breakfast with DJ and Jonny. After breakfast I came back to my room, got bored. I blasted my recently downloaded music and ended up falling in a trance like sleep, I dunno. I woke up at like 11:30ish and I had class at noonish. Astronomy, I always get lost to that class for some reason so I hurried and made it pretty much on time. Lo and behold, a quiz and a movie sheet awaited me. Little did I know, they were the easiest things ever. Sweet deal, aced em. Good day in Astronomy. Next? Microeconomics, good thing we always get out early cause I was hungry from not eating lunch yet. Too bad this was like the first time he didn't let us out early. But luckily we had a quiz, aced it. Steph? 18/21. Hah :) That asian kid Ryoke or whatever left to pee and told me to open the door when he came back. He never came back, and he took his quiz with him. Ha... Steph and I were laughing so hard.

I missed lunch :( I was told later that night by Sara that we had to miss at least 1 meal a week anyways, since they offer 20 meals but we only get a 19 meal plan. So after class Steph and I went to my lounge to chill for a while. I got some cup noodles out for Pono and I, and then video chatted Helen! We played some solitaire and she got to meet DJ and Pono. Pono played ukulele for her and did some dirty webcam behind me haha... After that.... POUNDERS!

We got to ride in the back of a pick-up, sweet. I hate walking ha. We got there and the waves were fat. I got on my boogie board and started going crazy. After maybe 15 minutes the waves REALLY started getting crazy. One massive wave knocked me over and slammed me into the ground, as this happened my boogie board was being shot towards the beach. I didn't even notice that the leash had snapped, someone told me. I looked around for it and found it fairly quickly, I found that the wave that had hit me was pretty strong. It not only snapped the leash but the leash had actually cut through my board. After that happened the waves started getting crazy huge, like 15 feet maybe? I was getting THRASHED. I hit my head on the ground a few times, definitely did hundreds of flips. I hopped on Pono's back for help sometimes haha Funny thing, I can't swim. I'm kind of crazy sometimes eh? You wouldn't believe the waves though, no one could catch more than a wave or two every few attempts. It was hard work just standing up and not being smashed to bits. After this crazy adventure we drove back and had some din din. I went to eat with Sara, Emily, Emika, Steph, DJ and these 2 newbies. Amber and Micheal Potter. Amber... hah She's a weird girl, nice addition to our little core of friends though. This Micheal Potter guy... also pretty weird. Not sure if I like him yet or not, but who am I to judge? He and DJ are fairly amusing to watch. After dinner we head to the game room because Jonny said there was a party there, there wasn't. But it was fun enough there I suppose. Emily and I ended up getting cards from her dorm and bringing them back, so we all played BS, Kemps?, whatever. Then Steph went to talk on the phone with Katie for forever, Emika had to pee a bunch, and that Micheal guy eventually left. So we stopped cards, DJ and James or Josh whatever his name was left to Foodland without us really noticing so we stayed and watched this weird show on TBS. Steph was pretty much asleep on her own little couch. Sara asleep on her cushion. Emika falling asleep on my left and Emily falling asleep on my right. I don't get how everyone is so tired and sleepy when I'm the one who has all the classes and work and I never sleep. I think they're just being babies ha. So eventually the show ended and I got a text from Jonny about a bonfire party past Hukilau, I was a bit skeptical because the last bonfire we went to was kind of a bust. We ended up going and it was alright. Much better than last time, much better planned. Dallin planned it all out, nice. We walked down, sat for a while, I searched for some firewood, and we came back. Jonny... lost. Hah.

Sara is being weird. She's like bipolar or something? lol Emily, also a weird girl. That's how I like them though huh? Emika... pretty sure she likes me. Well I guess we'll see how that works out. DJ, weird guy. We had a long talk last night, and it ended up being all for naught. Jonny, he makes me laugh inside. Steph? I call her mom, but sometimes I have to treat her like the baby, having to send her to bed hah.

Overall today was a decent day. Did everything, went crazy, chilled with the core 6. Rare nowadays it seems. Maybe I should make more friends? Maybe we need some time apart? Ha... so quickly issues arise.

C'est ma vie.
~Champ

Day 13

Yesterday (1 hour ago), was a pretty decent day. One class, stats, go let out an hour early. Sweet stuff.

Barely made breakfast. Sacked my lunch. Stats. Over. What did I do today? Well I downloaded a bunch of movies and songs and stuff. DJ and I got very bored, we argued a bunch about what to do because everyone had left after we went to the post office. I got my stupid economics book finally, but they bought me the wrong one, stupid bookstore. I also looked at P.O. box hoping my clicker came in, utter disappointment. Things are working against me :( They'll work out for the best I suppose. I really want my tennis rackets, Jonny's kind of suck. I also gotta pay for my clubs. BYUHSA, Badminton, Tennis, Aikido, and Marketing. Man I'm gonna be a busy person! I guess that's how I like it huh?

DJ and I ended up snorkeling and body/boogie boarding at Hukilau. It was fun, I'm glad we went, everyone else was stupid and didn't want to do anything ha... I guess I need to find some friends who can keep up with me huh? After we got back and showered we left for the cafeteria and lo and behold! Emily! lol Then Emika! And after us 4 had started eating after some awkward seat finding, Steph and Sara came and sat at the table next to us. Funny thing as we came in, Jonny and 2 day Taylor were just leaving... Actually when DJ and I got back at 1, he wasn't back yet. Hmmm.... So luckily for us those movie downloads came in handy. We decided to do attempt 2 at movie night and decided on X-Men Wolverine. Unfortunately it was the not yet special effected version so... that was interesting. I guess other interesting stuff happened tonight too hah. Emily. DJ. Emika. That one dude that sat on the couch with us. It was all pretty funny to me. After our movie Pono played us some jams, on his sweet little ukulele. He's great at improving, he was taking all my requests and making it up on the go. Emily left on her run or whatever. Then Emika got kicked out cause it was 11PM, so I decided to walk her to her dorm, but she wouldn't tell me what was up. Guess I shouldn't be surprised huh? No one here really trusts me yet...? I come back and DJ was pretty freaked out. So after retrieving and putting my laptop away and him spending an hour looking at Marco's movies we went for a walk and talk. At first it seemed like he wanted me to remedy to situation for him, then after hearing what I had to say he seemed to not want my help anymore. I guess I didn't say what he wanted to hear, but sometimes you gotta hear it eh? He seems to have it all figured out in his head though, so we'll see how things play out in the next couple of days. I'm sure it will be pretty interesting from my standpoint.

Overall, decent day. Missing Whitney, Helen, all the people who can listen to me and be at least somewhat truthful, but at least 100% honest. Jealous of all the people who easily make real friends, wishing I wouldn't care so much about stuff, hoping that one day I'll be able to be all that I want to be. Only time will tell though...

C'est ma vie
~Champ

My new journal?

So I'm sitting bored as tears in my room in BYU-Hawaii. It's been a while since I've posted on this blog, Myspace just doesn't work here so I guess I'm gonna blog here.

Just moments ago I was messing around with my friend DJ and annoying the crap out of my roommate Marco. Then all of a sudden I just had this great jolt of emotion come over me. I just sat down on my bed and realized where I am in my life.

I'm past high school, starting college, beginning the rest of my life. Sure, sure, normal thoughts for a college student. I just feel special, I feel like I'm different. I guess the people who know me well would agree, or not? It's just a weird feeling I have. Right now I wish I had kept a journal of my life everyday like everyone had been getting on my case. I feel so sad when I think of some things. In the past hour I had so much fun, but I realize no one is ever going to know about it, and I'll forget about it soon enough. I say all the time I wish I had a video camera trained on me 24/7 because I do the stupidest or funniest things ever and I just want to be able to replay or look back at some of them. But honestly, I want to be able to remember every single day of my life. There's just some amazing stuff that happens in my life that I know I should cherish and remember forever, and I know I've already forgotten more of these moments than most people get in their entire lives. I guess in a way I feel spoiled and ungrateful. I feel like I'm not doing the best with what I've been blessed to have.

Right now I feel so alone it's ridiculous. I'm at such an awkward part of my life I feel like. I have changed so much, I mean just this year alone. But, looking back through the years, up until 7th grade I had not a single friend. I always tell my friends the story about lunch time. When it came time to eat lunch, I would sit at the same table as all the geeks and nerds. I would sit at the end though, by myself. That's how friendless I was. 8th grade came around and I felt like I grew up a lot, there came my first girlfriend. Yeah I was like 14 ha. I was a non-member back then, it's all good! Her name was Brenna, we were such little kids! At the time I felt so high and mighty, like I was so mature. I asked her out during lunch and it was cutesy and all that stuff. But 5 weeks later nearly to the hour I felt like I had to break it off because I just didn't like her anymore. I didn't understand why. There wasn't anything wrong with her, if anything it was me. I had great memories of back then. That was when I was still going to Skatedeck every weekend and she went with me and I bought her a rose every time we went, I must say I thought I was a good boyfriend lol She was the first girl that I kissed, and I must say my first kiss was horrible. I pretty much tripped and nearly missed her lips completely. This is probably a good example of why you shouldn't fall in to peer pressure eh? Our friend Ariana was pushing me to just kiss her and hold her hand and stuff, I of course was too shy because I was still in that phase of my life where I started to get friends. I really can't find a reason behind why I stopped liking her, when I was with her I felt like she was the greatest thing in my life, that I would never feel that way about another girl and blah blah blah... then came grade 9.

9th grade, what a weird year. The year before was my coming out stage I suppose, by 9th grade I had many friends. This was the year Katie and I dated. She's a great girl, and my best friend. I wish I had realized this before I decided that I liked her and wanted to go out with her, well we did. Same thing as Brenna, but ironically(?) Brenna was having boy problems as Katie and I started going out. 5 weeks passed nearly to the hour again. I didn't learn my lesson again I suppose. I feel like I'm just repeating myself over and over and I'm not getting anywhere, but that's ok I hope only strangers read this so they don't get how stupid I am right now cause I'm just hopping all over the place. This year was cruise. I asked Amanda Evans to go with me because she was my best friend, and we had a thing for each other. Which we never told each other until much, much later.

10th grade. First year of high school, I really don't remember this year at all. Lots of girls, lots of problems.

11th grade. Second year of high school. Again a blur in time to me at this moment, or I'm just really eager to talk about later times, I dunno.

Senior year of high school. What a wreck. I can't believe this year even happened. Short run down, working at DQ, working at Subway, 7 classes, sports, ASB, blah blah. Why did I do it? Because I felt I needed something to keep me busy I guess. Actually right now I don't even feel like talking much about my senior year anymore. Quick run down, I met this Emily girl. She was pretty amazing. After my years without a girl, I felt I had learned my lesson and that this girl was going to be the girl. Little did I know I was completely and utterly wrong. But we can get more into that some other time eh? Pretty sad and horrible time of my life, my mind and my soul just cringes from the thought of that time period.

Whitney King. I love her so much. She just was able to help me through everything. She is so amazing. I can't believe I've never seen it before, "hiding right in front of your nose". I can't even live up to being good enough for her. She always says it's the other way around, but I know deep down inside that I'm right. Even though I love her with all my heart I feel like maybe I don't want to talk about even that right now...

What is it that I really want to talk about then?

...

I think it's just myself that I want to talk about. Just who I am. What I am. Whatever. I realize, with no one there by my side I'm no one. All my personal qualities are worthless without someone there. I need people. No one really fits the perfect Champ friend. Some people are so close, so close. But somehow I always find something wrong with the most perfect person. I don't know why I'm thinking this right now... I can't believe I'm thinking it. I guess just being here in Hawaii being for the very first time completely alone is bringing everything out of the darkness for me. Whitney and I promised each other we would always love each other no matter what happened, that we would always be friends, and that we would date other people while we were apart to see if it was truly meant to be. I'm so glad we promised each other these things, I feel like I'm losing her. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I miss her so much, but I should be missing her more. I should be calling her between every class. I should be calling her every night. I should be sending her a letter every day. Why am I such a stupid guy? I've ruined so many opportunities with so many different girls. I can't even begin to imagine how many girls lives I've changed because of their feelings towards me, my feelings towards them, or our mutual feelings for each other. It honestly is that much, which is so ridiculous. Many of those girls I never deserved to even know, let along have a chance to be able to be friends or more than friends with. I feel so alone right now. Everything is the same as it was back home in Bothell, slowly I'm rebuilding my reputation. Slowly, I'm getting to know everyone, slowly I'm beginning to make Laie my Bothell. I've already had girl problems here, pretty stupid right? I haven't even told anyone about these problems yet because... there's no one to talk to about them.

Funny, her name is Emily. So ironic, I know. The first time I met her was in the airport, we were all waiting for the stupid Coconut Express shuttle from the airport to the school. I was really, really shy for a bit. Then I said something stupid, like "what should I major in guys?" and probably "what classes should I sign up for?" and got a laugh out of everyone and instantly I felt comfortable again. I guess people don't realize, most of the time I'm not even trying to be funny, and it's just the way I am. So cut the story short, maybe I'll go in-depth later. We got onto the shuttle. I got in first and slid to the far left and hit my head on the roof. I said something along the lines of "Stupid roof, it's too short, one of you switch me." Just earlier Sara had been complaining about how she wanted to sit next to me, but Emily would have sat in the middle till I asked her to switch seats. So we all ended up happy, our drivers ended up telling us where everything was and we stopped at Jack in the Box cause we all said we were hungry. Pretty much I and this other guy got food though. Which I thought was way weird, they all said they were hungry and all they got were waters. So I got a large combo expecting to share with everyone, we chill for a bit and I say some more stupid witty stuff about Hawaii. We get back in the van, and the steakhouse burger is a bit messier and bigger than I thought so I asked the girl on my left to hold my bag for me. She does so very kindly, and I tell her to have some fries because she was hungry. She politely refuses, saying she was alright and not hungry, I again try to get her to eat some and she again refuses. I quit thinking that maybe I shouldn't push it too far seeing as how I had known her for about 2 hours. But in my head I knew that she was going to be one of those girls that I wanted to be friends with. Sara was great too, I knew that we were going to be friends because we have some similar qualities to our personality. We were both outgoing and talkative so I wasn't too worried about becoming friends with her. We arrive at our Hale at around 11:30PM and funny story again.... which I may explain later ha. I didn't sleep that night, it was too hot, Marco was already asleep, his friend Anthony came over and we talked for a bunch, we walked around a lot. I'm not sure how I realized that Stephanie and I were in the same ward but at first I thought I was going to go to church alone. But I didn't, I went with Stephanie and I think DJ and Jonny? Well I see Emily, and I totally forgot her name. I yelled out SARA really loudly and she turns around, our whole group was wondering actually. She turns around and says, "Oh hey guys, but my name's Emily..." So we all end up having a nice laugh, and she left to get her food. I don't think she ate lunch with us that day. But that's the day I feel like I started having a crush on her. Somehow everyone in our group exchanges numbers and stuff, usually I don't join in, if someone wants my number they can ask for it is my philosophy. I dunno what happened, hanging out with our gang, the 6 of us was great. We went everywhere, did everything together before school started. Beach every day, gosh it was great. Somewhere inside of me felt unattached though, then again I always feel that way somehow. Even if it involves me personally I feel like I'm on the outside maybe as a narrator or something. I realized I wasn't close to anyone there, these were all just hangout friends. I thought about who could be that friend... Stephanie? I already knew her... No. Sara...? She's kind of too rowdy for me... Jonny? lol I had to be kidding myself. DJ? At first same as Jonny, but then I realized he's a bit different. He's a pretty cool guy. But that comes later. (I say all these things like a lot of time has passed but I've been here for 12 days.) Then I realize, wait there's this girl that I'm forgetting. She's quieter, more sensible, cute, intelligent, and other qualities that would make a person easy to talk to I guess. I start realizing even more that I have a crush on her. I want to know so bad what her relationship with Xavier is, when Sara makes fun of her she says oh quit it. He's not even my boyfriend, or something like that. Like on the shuttle ride, Sara was talking about how jealous she was and how hunky he was and all that jazz. I felt like I was getting closer and closer to her as a friend and as maybe more. I thought "Hey maybe this can be the girl that I try to date?" I completely thought she had the same feelings towards me, so that maybe all would work out for the best. I'm pretty insecure about girls liking me though, so even though in my head even if I "know" in my head, I won't admit it until the girl herself says it. So I proceed "knowing" she likes me but not admitting that she does. Somehow DJ and I are hanging out with Sara, Emily, Stephanie and Emika. We're walking back to our dorm from theirs waiting for them to get ready or something, I dunno. Somehow we get on the topic of who we would kiss if we wanted to in order. We argue for a bit and I finally get him to say who. He says Emily, I kind of am shocked because at the time I think he didn't even realized she was a girl ha I confessed to him that she was also my first choice. And we kind of laugh about it. That night though, I started to feel like there was a bit of rivalry going on. I felt that it was no big deal though, she already liked me so whatever. Then him and her started to talk more and more and everytime I was with DJ and asked him who he was talking to the answer would consistently be Emily more and more. I admit, I started to get jealous of their inside jokes and such. But again I stepped into my narrator position and figured if anything was going to happen it would have to be all on Emily since she was the one that was going to have to make a choice. I noticed that she had a troubled look on her face which she tried to hide, maybe hid well but I felt like I saw through it. So I tried to be her friend, I know that there is that conflict of interest that people will see if they read this. But I feel like I can keep both the worlds separate. So I try to be her friend and delve deeper into her person and at first she seemed happy to have someone who understood her and seemed to know what she was going through. As time progressed it seemed like she drew away from me though, and in my mind I just think... Most of the time there is a way to salvage a love, if it's meant to be it'll happen. Friendships seldom have a second chance to come to the same capacity as what would have been able to be achieved had the right choices been made the first time. So I figured right now she needed a friend here, and that she was going through what I was so we could be each others friends. I also needed someone to trust and to be able to talk to that knew what problems I was talking about or going through. Ever since that night it feels like she's just angry, sick of it, and is pushing me away as a friend. I feel like I just lost out, that I was the nice guy and I finished last. I feel like I just got shafted, I had a fever 2 nights ago and had many dreams. I remember one line clearly and vividly, not sure who said it. "Why are you in love with someone who is in love with someone else, while someone else is falling in love with her?" I know that I can't say that I love her, or that she loves him, or that he loves her, because it's not that even close to that deep of a relationship, still middle school crush level. But you get the point, I was told this in a dream. I feel like I'm trying to be so good to her and it's all in vain. At first I thought she's just being polite and not wanting to unload her problems upon me which is normal. But she was one step higher, she refused to even admit to me that there was a problem. She not only didn't want any help or friendship from me, she felt like she couldn't even trust me enough to let me know there was something wrong. We both obviously knew something was.

There's this girl Emika, she's pretty cool (similar name to Emily huh? Again... story of my life) I guess right now I'm just trying to think of reason as to why Emily is doing what she is doing, so far I have maybe I came on too strong, passed the line between only friends and dateable for her, then maybe there's other girls. I feel like maybe they're trying to set me up with her, I guess I wouldn't have minded, except they're totally excluding what I want in the equation. It feels so unfair to me the way girls think. "You can't go out with him, he's my ex." "Dude she likes him, you can't be with him." That kind of stuff, that totally leaves the guy's desires out of the question so that even if there are mutual feelings it's never going to work out. I guess right now I'm pretty disappointed in everyone here. In spending so much time with these friends of mine, I find disappointment bounding aplenty. Except in DJ to be honest. Although he's my kind of rival, he's probably the most likely to be a best friend type person to me. I feel like he never would have realized he liked Emily had I not talked so highly of her, or had he not seen me talking to her so much, etc. etc. But all in all, DJ is a really intelligent kid that has good taste. I can't blame him for liking Emily, I do too. Hah. If anything that's more of a reason to like a girl right? When everyone else wants her, it makes her more of a catch? I dunno, I don't go for those girls. So as of now, I guess I have no chance to even try to date this girl but oddly... I feel like I'm starting to get over it and I might be able to let go a bit easier than most girls I have things with. Maybe I'm starting to grow up? Maybe I'm just getting more and more desensitized after all the crap I've faced with stupid girls? Who knows....

Well. That was a nice little rant. I meant to talk more about more things. But I ended up moaning and whining about yet another Emily.

I can't believe myself and how quickly I let my emotions run wild. How can girls matter so much to me? I have the perfect girl waiting for me at home. I'm so ungrateful. I'm not worthy of living a life as great as mine. I'm putting this opportunity to waste. I take walks by myself at night, hoping the answers will hit me. Maybe Emily will see me? Maybe I'll see Emily and DJ? Maybe I'll see Sara and she'll talk to me. I feel so reactive rather than proactive at times. I need to be babied and spoonfed to survive. I'm such a weak person sometimes, I hate it so much.

It's ridiculous how many times in the past I've honestly thought about just killing myself. Don't worry about that though, if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen. If it's not it's not. lol I really don't think I would ever do it though. Anyways... ending this before I start off on another tangent. I may continue this tangent later if I can't sleep yet again. I never sleep here for some reason. I need someone who can keep up with me. I had 11 hours of 6 classes today and I can bet I'm the only one out of my friends who is awake. All of them left me so early. :( Ah well.

C'est ma vie.
~Champ

Back to school

Alright, I like just checked some blogs cause I got really bored and now that I have DSL (w00t w00t!) I can surf w/e I want to :p so yeah I was looking at a couple peoples blogs expecting there to be like 50 comments on each persons over the summer, guess what I found? Absolutely nothing, I thought I was the only one who wouldn't have posted anything at all over the summer. Nope, no one has.

Anyways, so the first real week of school is over. Not too much harm done to my head so far. All the harm that WAS done was from McCarty of course! "What is knowledge?" he asks me. I go, "I dunno..." Then we spend the whole period talking about it and going around in circles. McCarty says, "How do you know what you know?" We go, "You just do!" Kelsey then starts talking about wrinkles in your brain and says when you learn something new you get another wrinkle. She thinks OMG! I'm on a roll! McCarty says, "No." She goes awww I was on a roll... Then someone comes in and asks for Shawna (yes both of them are in the same class again lol) and McCarty asks the girl, "How do you know you want Shawna?" We all groan.

I have Madigan and Wilkowski first and second, now they're cool teachers and all but com'n who can stay totally awake in an english/social studies block for 2 hours? Especially a block first thing in the morning!!! I think that class would be so much better if we had it around noon.

I have McCarty and Seeley third and fourth for block. Now it's a difficult choice to be happy for one or the other. I'm glad when we have block and have only McCarty because Seeley is so boring and we get homework, but then I'm glad when we have block with Seeley because I don't get mentally impaired. Lol so it's pretty close I'll tell you which class I decide is better when I do :p

Woot it's lunch time now! Where I always forget to bring money to buy lunch gosh... :p And where I get pushed off the table just cause I'm aZn gosh, we need to rise against!! Oh wait we can have a revolution, but only after I steal all of Joe's fries, eat all of Rainelle's crust, and try to steal food from Lea even though she never gives me any... I gotta eat ya know ;) And finally we're done with that stupid planner thing! I hated it so annoying!

I used to have Tech Ed with Mr. P. but there was 1 girl and 35 guys in that class... So as you can tell it got uh... out of control a little bit. I decided this class would get nowhere so I switched to TA for Hjort. And there is a much more even ratio lol plus Mr. Vampire and Ms. Hjort to keep control. And for half of you guys reading this, don't say a word about younger girls... and for the other half don't say a word about older ones either... XD

Guess what I have last now? PE! Fun in the sun eh? I am gonna like die of heat stroke or something lol So far in Gellar's class we have done nothing... We played frisbee, we ran a mile, we did other presidential stuff. And in this class? We have 3 girls!!! Square dancing should be fun eh? Oh wait... I did forget the sevie class of all girls... Once again not a word from anyone lol

Overall, my classes pretty much stuck ;) Ah well I only have to rest of the year to deal with it :P We're all gonna have fun with breakout though right guys?! :D (<- note the overly sarcastic tone) I guess Madigan was right, the Driver (drunk driver according to Adam) is the sarcastic one?

Well I'm done being bored now so... Shoutouts to everyone who wants one, and none to those who don't!

~Champ

Final Semester Essay

Champ Vinitnantharat
6-15-05
Honors Essay Semester #2

In the 2nd semester for honors Humanities we had to read and blog on the books, Shane, The Call of The Wild, and the Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman. Now that it is the end of the semester, we have to write and essay about how these books related to our current knowledge of history and what we learned in our U.S. History class.

The first book we had to read was Shane overall, I think that this book showed us about how a western/Midwestern family lived with a gun for hire living with them. They were homesteaders, fairly average. The book showed how American capitalism was at work even back in the gunslingin’ days of the wild west. It also showed me how many of the people back then had great tenacity. Much more than most of us have these days. For example when they take a whole chapter trying to get a stump out! In addition, the whole storyline, Shane would not let his new family give up their land to the big bad capitalist pig, in this case the bad guy. 

The second book we had to read was The Call of The Wild. I think this was a great book! This told us about the gold rush to Alaska era, from the point-of-view of a dog! That right there would be enough to entice me into reading this book. Well this tells me how a dog’s life would be during this time period. IF he were a wealthy dog, that was stolen by the evil gardener, and sold to be used as a sled dog. So I guess it wouldn’t be an average dog’s life but it wasn’t all that uncommon I’d say. It tells me how dog’s were treated by different kinds of people. The French treated him with respect, the American gold rushers treated him with stupidity and idiotic rules.

The final book we had to read was The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman. This depicts the life of a young girl born into slavery all the way to the end of her life long after slavery had been abolished. Her life story told me how slaves, actually colored people in general were treated right after the Emancipation Proclamation. It showed me how the white people’s attitudes towards the ex-slaves changed through the years. Right after the Civil War Jane was treated very badly, better than when she was a slave but not by much. When she got older and had her own house and her “son” had gotten married and had kids she was treated almost as an equal. Not yet quite an equal, but almost and that was much better than the old days when she was beaten for anything.

Well, from the books we read that is what I learned. I learned about a homesteader’s life, a dogs life, and a slaves life. All these stories happened during different time periods and showed me how the characters, and America in general had changed.

Jane Pittman #5

For my final blog for the last book, The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman I will do a character review on Ned. He is the “son” of Jane. His real mother and sister were killed by the Secesh. He was raised well. He fought for black justice. He was very engaged in the politics of it all. One day he has to leave his “mama” because some white people have threatened to kill him if he doesn’t stop his work. Jane ‘can’t’ leave. Ned can’t stop doing what he does. He has to move on without her. He becomes Mr. Edward Stephen Douglas. He joins the army and fights in the war in Cuba.

Jane Pittman #4

Alright, for 4th blog I will be doing a character review on Ticey, Jane Brown, Jane Pittman. Whatever you want to call her. She starts of being eager happy peppy little negroe slave. She hardens and becomes a tough, free, Black American. She raises Ned like a child. He makes her very proud of him. Jane worked very hard to prove her worth, where ever she worked. She got started at 6 dollar wage when she was just a teenager, but almost immediately she got a pay raise to what the “women” were being paid. The full 10. She got as much work done as people twice her size, I say she has good work ethic, and has great self-motivation.

Jane Pittman #3

Obviously, not a good idea eh? All her group gets killed by the Secesh. And she and Ned are alone. She is a very lucky girl! She gets much help along the way, after 3 days of walking she thinks she is out of Luzana’ and near Illinois, but nope. The old guy with the map proved her wrong with his fancy longi and lati. She also changed her name to Jane Brown, after Mr. Brown the Union soldier she was looking for. She actually never reaches Illinois. She ends up in a plantation, but one that pays her 6 dollars a day. Soon she got paid 10 like the other women.

Jane Pittman #2

First off, Jane Pittman never existed. She started off as Ticey, just Ticey. She did not know her father at all. Her mother had died before the story started and she also didn’t know about her life either. She was a little slave girl. The Civil war happened, and as we all know the North won. After this the Emancipation Proclamation was made and all the slaves were free. Uncle Isom, the wise old shaman type guy told everyone to have a meeting to think if they should stay or leave the plantation. Of course the younger ones being rash as they are (us young’uns are so much smarter now…) took off with some tater’s and apples.

Jane Pittman #1

Alright I’m a lil bit late for The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman… Like I’ve said before, sue me. ;) This book is actually… LONG! :o No way! Well it’s a nice change (sorta >_<) after Shane and Call Of The Wild. According to everyone these books were impossible to blog 500 words on, *cough*Lea…*cough* of course I was able to do it. The blogging king DUH, there’s nothing in blogs that that this aZn hillbilly can’t do eh? Anyways, to the book… This book is fairly good, pretty long. Easy reading though, maybe cause of my Southern roots? ;) Depicts the life of a woman from pre-post Civil War period.

FINAL

He snaps and attacks Sol-Leks. Francois and Perrault get out and discipline him, he runs away. He creeps back, the try to discipline him again. He again leaves. So they take Sol-Leks oout of the lead spot and they leave it empty. Buck comes bounding back, and Francois say Oh you sly dog… ;) Buck then gets sold to a weird guy, who is merely a blur in his mind. He then gets sold to some stupid gold rushers, he almost dies because of them. He gets rescued by John Thornton, John is his beloved master. Buck loves him very much. This is the only person that Buck loved since being stolen. All the other masters he had he hated or merely respected. Buck could not steal from John because Buck loved him so much.

4th... almost...

Buck and Spitz fight a long hearty fight, and Spitz was winning at the beginning. But Buck came through at the end and broke Spitz’s legs. Then just as with Curly, the whole circle of dogs (reminds us of movies when school fights happens huh?) comes in ruthlessly and kills Spitz. The whole sled team returns to camp, all except Spitz, hmmm wonder why. Francois figures it out and he says to Perrault, that Buck he killed Spitz! So they put Sol-Leks in the lead position since he is the best lead dog they have, and what does Buck do?

3rd....

One day when the sled team saw a wild rabbit they started chasing it, since they were out of their traces. Then the whole police force of dogs joined in. Guess who was at the head of the pack? BUCK! Now sneaky old Spitz cuts around and gets in front of the rabbit and the pack, and he springs at the rabbit and gets it. All the other dogs stop the chase and howl happily at the kill, but no Buck. Buck keeps barreling full speed into Spitz. Looks like this is the right time for Buck eh? Well Buck thinks so also, Perrault had always told Francois that Spitz was a devil, and Francois always replied, that Buck he is two devil. And one day he will kill that Spitz. Guess who ends up being right? Francois!

2nd for Call of The Wild

Buck was sold to some French people, Perrault and Francois, working for the Canadian government. Buck was bullied by the lead dog of the team, Spitz. His food (or lack of) was stolen the first few times he was fed. He learned he had to scarf down what he was fed quickly or it would be stolen. Even though he was bigger than any dog there it was in sheer numbers they overwhelmed him. Buck also quickly learned how to pull a sled quickly, he learned the commands at just the same pace. Buck became defiant to Spitz, Buck defended all the other dogs from Spitz’s discipline. Buck could have trounced him, but was waiting for the right moment to. Spitz had killed Curly already and Buck had seen how Spitz had waited for the right moment.

Back from the farm, ya'll!

Alright, so I’m a “little” bit late for blogging. :p Well I finished reading Call of The Wild, ok? And Buck seems to be a pretty lucky dog in my opinion! First he lives life as a pampered dog living with the “Judge” (sounds like God or something eh? ;)) in Santa Barbara. Then the evil gardener (very evil) steals Buck and sells him. The gardener sold him to some people that bought dogs to re-sell to people on the Gold Rush that needed a sled team. Just to let you know, dog sled teams are pushed very hard, to the extreme. Buck, being the rich doggie he was, was definitely not used to being worked. Sure, he was 140 pounds of pure muscle, but that muscle was nothing in the sled team. He learned the “Law” very quickly. First from the man in the red sweater that first broke him with a club. After that incident, Buck learned to fear any man with a club.

LAST SHANE

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Ok yeah I'm like totally out of ideas... here are some frome manda :P

Here are some ideas from manda:

k (3:21:24 PM): How symbolic the stump is
k (3:21:32 PM): Or how stupid the kid is
k (3:21:43 PM): Or how western the whole book is
k (3:21:56 PM): Or how predictable the plot is
k (3:22:15 PM): Or how ******* boring the whole thing is in general
C (3:22:50 PM): I should put what you said in my blog :D
k (3:22:55 PM): LoL!
k (3:23:22 PM): that wud be great
k (3:24:19 PM): Wisdom from manda
k (3:24:35 PM): I'm sooooo smart

There it is you guys, the daily "Wisdom from Manda" Looks like Miss Wisdom has a potty mouth though :P

I think I will do a character analysis on Shane instead though

Shane: The silent strong type. He's a bad guy, but inside he's actually good. He probably was a hitman and he went west to run away from it all. But his history ended up catching up to him at the shootout at the end of the book. He guns down like all of Fletchers men right? And he comes out with 2 shots in him, and he leaves. He has to, he knows it, everyone else does too, they just don't want to admit it.

Ok yeah I that's good enough, I'm done with Shane.

Signing off,
~Champ

Edit: Ok Mueller ;)

#4 for shane almost done :D

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Alright I'm running dry on ideas to talk about, cept one more! Alright I think this is kinda stupid XD They take a whole chapter talking about the very entertaining business of stump removal. Yeap, Shane out of nowhere decides to start hacking at the stump with an axe and Joe dicides to join in. Hurray now they take a whole day doing this. I think this is an extended metaphor type thing. The stump is the problem, to overcome the homongous (fun) problem you must slowly hack away at it be persistent. Yeah I should make fortune cookie or Jones Soda bottle caps eh? :P

...continued in the next blog....

#3 for Shane!

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Lol sorry for the random thought at the end of the last blog. Anyways things start to get ugly with Fletcher and all the homesteaders. Fletchers is a big time hot-shot rancher. He needs the homesteaders land because they border the river that he needs for his cattle. He thinks the small ranches don't deserve the land. One of Fletchers men confronts Shane at the local bar. And either he gets beat bad or Shane walks away, I forget which one it was. Well the macho gunfighter, wait they don't know he's a gunfighter yet... Shssh... :P comes "home". Marion is afraid he's dangerous, Joe says he is the probably the safest man like ever XD

...continued in the next blog...

Blog #2 for Shane

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Alright Mr. Razzmatazz Snazz rides up to the homestead. Bob is pretty much like :o! WOWSERS! Shane and Joe talk, Joe invites him to dinner (or supper whichever :P) They talk some more, Marion, Joe, and Bobby (thas what Snazzy calls him) like Shane. Joe talks Shane into becoming a hired hand for him because his last one was a wimp and left. No good help these days eh? Ya know what I just got reminded of the song Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy) because of the beginning of it and how Shane rode in. I can imagine it now, A Snazzy guy riding in on a home with theme music. *Dum de dum de dum dum dum* ;)

...continued in next blog...